[suziequilts]

Hi, I am in desperate need of clarity and advise.
I am 41, mother of 2 daughters, 3 step-kids and 1 niece. My 2 daughters 18 and 15 live with me and my husband and so does my husbands niece, 15 also. My 3 step kids are all over 23 with their own places. My husbands niece has been thrown from pillar to post since she was 2 years old. My husband and his ex-wife got custody of her when she was 3 1/2 years old but when they divorced she stayed with the ex-wife who left her with any one and every one for days at a time. In 2002 she stayed with my husbands daughter who was 20 years old then for a year, which turned out to be a bad thing, so she came to live with us and has been with us every since. My husbands daughter hasn't had any thing to do with the niece since she moved in with us but now since she's had a baby she wants the niece to come stay all the time. Last night the step daughter called to tell the niece that she has fixed her up with a 20 year old man. When my husband told his daughter that wasn't going to happen she threatened him with taking the niece back. What is going on here? I am confused as to where all of this is coming from. My husbands daughter told her dad that the niece is her daughter and she raised her. Well, the niece only lived with the daughter for a year and the daughter treated the niece like the daughters mother did, leaving her with any one for days at a time.
Since my husband and I got married I have found out that all of his kids are liers and like to start trouble. His ex-wife is a conniving deceitful person who likes to keep trouble going.
My problem is: What do I do with this? I don't understand how people can treat other people like this. I was told to stay out of this but this is my home and my kids where not raised to treat others bad. My 18 year old daughter says to just forget it, don't let it bother me. But I have a hard time with not letting it bother me. I am thinking that I shouldn't have gotten re-married and maybe I should call it quits. Then I wouldn't have to deal with the daughter, the niece or the disillusioned dad. Of course I think that because I don't have any experience with this kind of behavior.
Any advise?

[ScottGem]

Who has legal guardianship of the niece? I would have your husband take steps to legally adopt, ending any of this garbage by the daughter (who appears to be looking for a free maid). Also, if you have any proof that the daughter was going to fix the niece up with a 20 year old man, save it. The word for that is procurement and any court should take action against such a suggestion.

[suziequilts]

Thanks ScottGem. My husband has joint guardianship with his ex-wife. I also think the daughter is looking for a babysitter and maid.

[ScottGem]

Ok if your husband has Joint guardianship, then the daughter hasn't got a leg to stand on. Now, if the ex-wife wanted to take her, that might be an issue, but the daughter has no standing.

Frankly, if you are thinking of calling it quits, I suspect there are other things behind it. But I would urge you not to, if you can help it. It sounds like this girl really needs you. I'm wondering how your daughter (the 15 yr old) gets along with the niece? But it certainly sounds like the niece needs some stability, caring and affection in her life. You and your husband sound like the bests ones to give it.

[talaniman]

Under no circumstances should you allow your step daughter to have control over your niece. I understand your confusion but back your husband up and be a mother to this 15 year old she does need you.

[suziequilts]

Thank You all for the replys. I am trying to be a mother to her. And my other 2 daughters get along with her quite well. My youngest claims her to be her sister in all things. And my niece calls me mom, has for 2 years now.

[s_cianci]

I wouldn't call it quits, at least not yet. But I would stand up to your husband. Tell him in no uncertain terms are you going to tolerate this kind of rabble-rousing and the negative impact it has on you and your daughters. His kids are all grown and have their own places so his next responsibility is to your daughters/his step-daughters. Tell him to come to a final decision, once and for all, as to what he wants done with his niece. Tell him you'll support him in his decision but if she continues to stay with you then the rest of the family butts out, period. Tell him that you want to raise your family, including his niece if applicable, in a stable, integrated home without any strife resulting from busy-body relatives. Tell him that if he can't produce on that then you are going to pack your bags and leave.