[deerchick]

OK: Here it is. The middle of the night and I can't sleep so I am online trying to figure out how things got so bad between my daughter and me. She is 36 and I am in my mid 60's. It seems that, according to her, I have played favorites with her brother all her life. I have bought her 2 houses (and 1 for him), I helped her through college (he didn't go) I have tried hard to be equal. I love them both but they are very different people. She is a professional who married and had a baby 1 1/2 years ago. Her brother got into trouble and I am raising his 2 1/2 year old son while he gets his life back together. (He is doing that). I got the baby just a few months before my hubby had his leg amputated. A year later, my daughter had a baby girl. This is where it gets awful. I have a sick husband and a 2 year old child and I run my own business (for about 10 years). I can't stop the business because I have to support my hubby and grandchild until his daddy can take him back. I am really busy and don't have a lot of time to spend with anyone and no time I cn call my own (except right now while I whine to whoever is out there.) . And to be honest, I would love to see the baby, but my daughter uses the time to tell me what to do with my hubby, my son, what he should do, how I should run my business, etc. in other words, everything I am doing wrong. I swear she must be exhausted trying to run so many lives! She is close to her in-laws who told her they can't believe she came from our family. ( I don't know if they meant we are such low lifes or she is so self centered.) I can't find a positive spin for that statement and am hurt that she thinks it was a compliment to her.

I know I have made mistakes, but I just don't feel I deserve to be treated this way. Her behavior is preventing me from having a relationship with my grandaughter. She is jealous of her brother, and now his son. She says I have made bad choices (Like having my hubby get sick and having children's services place my grandson in my home?) I have tried to tell her I did not choose to raise my grandson, I would rather be his grandmother. That makes her sneer, I guess because I am such a rotten grandmother to her daughter.

We have come to feel unwelcome in her home. We are never invited there and seldom drop by. I see my granddaughter sometimes in town at lunch or on rare occasions when I am asked to babysit. We live about 20 minutes from them and they never come over. We have invited them, but they decline.

I guess I just don't understand a lot of things except the depth of her contempt for me. I have no clue how to fix this.

[mari_]

Wow I am only 20 I am close to my mom I believe and I can't believe she would do this to you maybe you two should see a counselour I'm sure you're a great person some people just don't appreciate things in life and she needs to realize how great you are before its too late

[Nestorian]

Hmmm, what fear is she playing on I wonder?

Jelousy that she is not getting more attention, or you area not paying more attention to her daughter, or that she is just so used to the attention and she is no longer getting it?

She seems to be rather oblivious to reason. As most people are. Counseling does sound good, if she'll go. How deep is she in her illutions. She seems, no offence, quite ignorent, and blind.

The truth is, any thing we here suggest based on what you've written will be obscured by your point of view. It maybe best if you talk to her and simply ask, "Why do you seem so angery with us/Me? What is it that bothers you so much that you wont talk to us?" Or so on.

You can't force her to like you, as sad as that is, you have to wait for her to wake up.

Tell us about her in laws? As they may have not really brain washed her, but obscured her thinking. If they're rich, and you are not, they maybe foolishly assuming that wealth is so imortant. When really, one day you'll have to leave it all behind.

But I really don't know. A lot of people may tell you, F-That! Don't stand for it. Etc.

Please tell us more about your Daughter's personality, what does she do for a career, what does she seem to hold value to?

Also, yourself, who are you? That way we can work off your strengths.

Best advice I can give you, try seeing if she'd go to a counseler with you, or try probing on your own if you think you can?

Yeah, no, we need more information about the situation, who you two are, and what the issue really is. How far back did this kind of thing start happening?

Peace and kindness be with you.

[Jake2008]

You have a lot on your plate and I don't blame you one bit for feeling overwhelmed with all of it.

Where there should be support and kindness from your daughter, there is none.

I think the problem with your daughter is she feels entitled. Entitled to two houses you've bought for her, the adulation (at your expense) of her in-laws, the 'status' she enjoys as not being seen as a product of a good upbringing, but rather some sort of miracle that she is so different from what she should be, considering how rotten you are!!

I want to give that girl a good smack.

If she were 22 or 25 years old, my advice to you would be much different. Because she is 36, and because you have your other granddaughter in your care, and because of the poor health of your husband, you need to control what you can, and let the rest go.

You aren't going to change little miss prissy. Her attitude, for whatever reason, is unlikely to change to accommodate YOU, because she is far too full of herself.

All you can do is learn how to accept her as she is. You must learn to accept that there is nothing you can do to make her show respect, love, or concern for you. She does not accept you as a person worthy of her standards.

Turn the tables on her and stick up for yourself. When she stars with the criticism, and dumping guilt on you, stop her. Just tell her you will not tolerate such disrespect, and if she's that bothered by you being such a rotten mother, then go find herself a psychiatrist and spill the beans on his time, not yours.

She is an adult, and behaves like a child. Time to set some boundaries and expectations. You need to establish some freedom from her, and only you can do it.

The sooner you stop allowing her to treat you this way, the sooner you will feel better about yourself.

[deerchick]

Wow! I had no idea anyone would take the time to read my post, much less offer help. You are all very kind.

I guess the truth is I know my daughter is a self centered person. She is a successful attorney. She has been married 3 years and has a beautiful daughter. Right now, I know her life seems golden and I hope it stays that way.

About some of your questions about me: I have a small zoo where I use the animals to teach children about life: Tolerance, responsibility, self esteem, etc. I try to show how each person has a very special place on this earth by showing just how special camels, zebra, reindeer, etc. are and how they were created especially for their circumstance.

Kind of ironic when I am having so much trouble finding my place with my daughter. I really can't understand why she is so loath to share all of my animals with her daughter.

I really don't blame her in-laws for her attitude: I think they have merely reinforced her opinion of herself. I don't think any of them recognize just how much I have on my plate right now. That probably means I am handling it OK. I hope so. I am doing my best.

She has been jealous of her brother for as long as I can remember: Imagine being jealous of someone who has lost everything through his own bad choices! I always thought I was extremely fair because each of them thought I played favorites with the other.

She says I need to see a professional, and I believe after this latest episode, I will. I have too many people relying on me to allow her to take me off track.

As for her seeing a counselor, she feels there is nothing wrong with her: It is all me. Maybe she is right.

For now, I am writing her a letter telling her how I feel. I am trying to not be mean or angry, just forthwith. I know she will twist every word, but I feel the need to finally tell her how very sad I am that I am not the kind of mother she wants or needs. I am just the best mother (and grandmother) I can be right now.

[deerchick]

I am sorry: I have one more thing to say.

I truly appreciate all of your input, but right now, the most important thing to me is to try to know my grandaughter. If I can't make this right with my daughter, I will lose Sarah.

[templelane]

My guess is she is jealous of his freedom and ability to shirk responsibilities and is probably angry that you enable him.

I can kind of see her side of it. Sometimes it feel like bad behaviour is always rewarded and when you work hard and make the most for yourself it isn't. But that is very short sighted and childish of her. I hope she come to her senses and realises you only get one mother.

That's my view on it, complete opinion and not really advice at all but I hope it helps but a different side to the thought process.

Good luck to you

[jjwoodhull]

I think that writing a letter is theraputic - but hold on to it for a while before you give it to her. Read it over several times. Sit on it for at least a few weeks. Writing a letter is a great tool to organize your thoughts, but once you give it to her you can never take it back.

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate without much of a support system. Your stress is allowing her to push your buttons. For whatever reason, your relationship has not progressed passed the mother/teenage daughter relationship. Her words and actions are showing a real immaturity. At 36 she should be pitching in to help with the family issues. Not criticizing you for the way you are handling them.

Make a decision now to not let her comments effect you. Do everything you can to carry on as if things are normal. Continue to invite her to family functions. Call and ask to take your Granddaughter for the day. Ask them to join you for lunch, etc. When she makes her snide comments, ignore them. She will find it difficult to fight with someone who will not fight back.

The most important thing for you to remember is that we have no control over other people's actions. We can only be responsible for ourselves.

[Nestorian]

Hmmm, perhaps he hasn't lost everything, but gained everything.

Some one once said, "If some one askes for your shirt, give them your coat as well." I believe that was Jesus.

Further more, "The less you have the more you gain." I only know of that from Metallica's song where ever I may roam.

She maybe jelous of his freedom. She sounds like she is under a lot of pressure, and even as a child pressured her self. She seems to have an image to up hold, though it may not be to you, but her friends, and lovers.

Foolish are the proud, Blind are the ignorent, Lost are the certain.

She seems pretty certain, proud, and ignorent. Mind you I don't know her, and most of us are.

You may be best just letting her be, and hope that letters you send or times you can visit with your Grand daughter are fun, and happy. At least she may get to know who you are.

Peace and kindness.

P.S. I'm not saying your Duaghter is bad, but she doesn't seem very wise.

[taoplr]

I'm a late entry in this conversation but have a little to offer.

Absolutely, don't send the letter. Use it as a cathartic exercise. She will most likely misinterpret it, and it will reinforce her fixed position.

This is tough on you. Be aware as well that she is carrying a terrible burden of resentment. No, her reasons are not sound, but she is invested in her position. Logic won't sway her. Correcting the record with this legal mind won't work. She needs to unload her burden and you can make it happen. If you succeed, her resentment and criticism will diminish and could even disappear.

You might just build a new relationship.

She needs to dump out all the complaints, accusations, and judgments in which she is stewing and have you hear it all, understand it reasonably well, and let it be more or less OK that she feels all that. If you can listen to the whole story, knowing that it is her story, not reality, and react by understanding without defending or correcting the record, you will create an opportunity for her to heal the wound she is suffering from.

You didn't inflict this wound. She interpreted her growing up experience the way she did because that is how she shaped her self. That's her story. You did a good job because she became competent enough to be a successful wife, mother, and lawyer. She just has some unfinished business to attend to and all the heat she has been putting on you serves as a fine diversion from attending to that business.

You don't have surplus time or energy. But you are currently losing energy, and time with Sarah, while she stays stuck in this pattern. You are also paying a terrible price in anguish. That can stop.

If you feel that you can muster up the courage, and if you feel that you can listen to the whole shebang without taking the BS in it to heart or reacting with outrage over the distortions, you can set up one or more cathartic conversations with her.

It would be best under the guidance of a therapist. If you tell her that you have been thinking over what she has said all this time and that you want to work on yourself to understand it and learn and grow, she just might take you up on it. Finally, at your age and after all that has occurred, you are going to get the realization of what she has been trying to tell you! The therapist will keep you on track and serve as a safety valve.

If she won't do that, consider doing it without professional supervision. This is risky, but it can work. I am 66, and when I was 40, I was the "dumper" in this experience. I had attended a workshop that awakened my pent-up anger and resentment toward my parents for the lack of emotional safety we had in our home when I was growing up. My father had died and my mother, who was then 70, had remarried. On two occasions, without a therapist, I let go with both barrels. She thought I had gone nuts, but kept her wits about her. She listened,understood some of it,disagreed with some of it, and let it happen without falling apart.

I still stand in awe over her courage and self control. What mattered to me was that I could say it all and have her hear it. Nothing from the past could change. We both underwent a transformation because of that experience. When she was 80, she moved near us to be by us and our kids. Her second husband had died. On many occasions, she dumped on me, about me, my brother, her grandchildren, our wives, aging, her fear of suffering, her relationships, her health, and George Bush. I just listened and loved her. I taught her to meditate and to let go a little. She died a few years ago at 93. We had become very close. My brother and I, along with our wives and sons, sat with her and held her as she hallucinated that she was gambling in Las Vegas, which she loved. She died a happy woman.

I'll never regret telling her my truth. Neither did she.

Your daughter sounds like a piece of work. It would be good to have her on your side,and maybe build some friendship between you. Imagine how that could be! Don't be afraid of maneuvering her into therapy. If you have to do some therapy on your own to prepare yourself for hearing her out, that might work. If you make it a home-made experience, more power to you.

I'm recommending something that I know works but is unpredictable. If the fear of what might happen is greater than your pain in the current situation, don't do it. If the pain is greater than the fear, I guess you will know what to do.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Be with what is so that what is to be may become."
- Soren Kierkegaard

[citizencain]

Your daughter may have trouble resolving her feelings about her brother and his life choices that have caused him to be unable to raise his own child. My husband has a brother who has made selfish and misguided choices his entire life and at age 48 has nothing to show for his life at all. This brother continues to leech from my husband's parents (lives in a house next door to them that they bought for him) and still struggles with addictions. My husband and the third brother are both successful college graduates who now have to deal with the fact that this one son will never be able to support their parents as they age. My husband and the third brother never mention the fact that their parents have spent thousands upon thousands of dollars supporting the one troubled son, and this is in fact wasting everyone's inheritance, not to mention stealing from their parents presently. My husband has been able to find peace over it, realizing that other people (both his brother and his parents) are free to choose their own paths and do as they think best. Maybe your daughter is resentful of his wasteful choices, feeling that it somehow cheats her out of something that should be hers, namely your attention. BUT you have done so much for her, one would conclude that she is somewhat spoiled and has an entitlement attitude. You bought her 2 houses? Gee, she needs to grow up.

[kisstalmeth520]

Tell her to step in your shoes.. once the tables turn it's a different story, I mean what does she expect you to do with the 2yr old baby? If you did on okay job with raising her you'll be fine. Remember no matter what you are still her mother you are not her friend and she has no right to talk to you that way. My best advice to you is pray the your business goes well, your husband stays healthy, and your son gets his life together. Everybody has some sort of disfunctional situation in their own family. You need yo tell your daughter exactly what your telling us. In the bible Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me your not alone be brave! Speak up!

[N0help4u]

I think maybe what you could try is ask her if you two can work on things just between the two of you and not bring your circumstances in between your relationship. Ask her what are the basic first steps you can take to repair your relationship with her.
As long as she is going to keep bringing up the what you should have and could have done with this that and the other thing she is complicating things to the point that your hands are tied. So I say tell her you want to simplify things to basics with her. Also don't update her on your problems. If and when she asks tell her dad is good, your work is good, your grandson is doing good and leave it at that.

[Alty]

I think therapy involving both you and your daughter would be a good idea, not just therapy for you.

She obviously has some resentful feelings, and now she's making you pay for them by denying you your grandaughter and treating you the way she does.

It's time to get to the bottom of all of this and see if you can work it out.

If my mom was still around there is nothing she could do or say that would make me keep her away from my kids. I can't imagine having a mother around and not wanting her to be a part of your life.

Forget her, adopt me! Just a bit of humor on an otherwise sad thread.

Good luck to you and your family. :)