[Justwantfair]

Whew, I was thinking my posts were for naught... :D

I agree with Artsy, if she doesn't show to the counseling session, it will be a wonderful opportunity for you.

I think that it is hard to face an end, but the longer she keeps avoiding the problem the easier it will be.

You are not at fault in this.

[Angrychair]

I feel bad so to clear the record Thanks to all who have posted here your advice has helped more than you know.
I wish I knew you in real life I would take you all out for a beer or beverage of your choice. Sometimes it helps to vent to total strangers. Im sure that what ever happens this little bump in my life's road will make me a better man, better father, and in general a better person. My main focus is my children that ar paramount at this point.
If she wants to work it out she will if not "her loss". I have beaten myself up over this for so long that my selfworth is severely lacking. You all have shown me that this problem is hers as well and Im not the one who needs forgiveness its her. She has not once come to me and show any sign of remorse or asked for forgiveness.
I know she doesn't naturally roll that way but some sign of sorrow would have maybe given me some hope.
Now I need to prepare for the legal end of this I think I have finally got my head around the fact that she has checked out of this relationship(maybe not for good) I am the "The glass is half full kind of guy".
In time I may grow to trust and love again , but who in their right mind would want a 41 year old man with these kind of issues. Anyway I feel safe in here with all of my new cyber friends and I will continue to post not so much for the response, but as a coping mechanism. Please bare with my rants from time to time as I am on a long road to recovery and redemption

[artlady]

I feel bad so to clear the record Thanks to all who have posted here your advice has helped more than you know.
I wish I knew you in real life I would take you all out for a beer or beverage of your choice. Sometimes it helps to vent to total strangers. Im sure that what ever happens this little bump in my life's road will make me a better man, better father, and in general a better person. My main focus is my children that ar paramount at this point.
If she wants to work it out she will if not "her loss". I have beaten myself up over this for so long that my selfworth is severely lacking. You all have shown me that this problem is hers as well and Im not the one who needs forgiveness its her. She has not once come to me and show any sign of remorse or asked for forgiveness.
I know she doesnt naturally roll that way but some sign of sorrow would have maybe given me some hope.
Now I need to prepare for the legal end of this I think I have finally got my head around the fact that she has checked out of this relationship(maybe not for good) I am the "The glass is half full kind of guy".
In time I may grow to trust and love again , but who in their right mind would want a 41 year old man with these kind of issues. Anyway I feel safe in here with all of my new cyber friends and I will continue to post not so much for the response, but as a coping mechanism. Please bare with my rants from time to time as I am on a long road to recovery and redemption

Rant away,although I don't see you ranting at all.You are going through a terrible trauma and its good to write it out,get a different perspective from your own.It is very therapeutic and it won't cost you a dime.Although that beer sounds pretty good :)

I am 54 so 41 is is very young in my book.Life does not end at 41 and opportunities for love don't either.I met my BF at 42 and we will be 12 yr.s strong this summer.

You will get through this,I know it feels like your world is crashing down but it gets better once you have accepted the inevitable and begin the work of healing.

I hope you have a good session today and keep your head up!

[DoulaLC]

Totally agree with artlady... It will certainly be a life lesson regardless of how things turn out. Life has a way of throwing things at you sometimes and you learn just how resilient you really are... even if you don't always want to be. It helps tremendously to speak to others who have gone through the process themselves... who have taken those difficult steps. Or even those who haven't, but can still be an objective and compassionate shoulder.

If things don't work out, and you go your separate ways, you will find that in time you will be open to a new relationship. You will be able to trust and love again.

My husband took me on when I was 40 and a package deal with 4 kids... :) It's been 8 years so far for us just this passed Sunday!

[Angrychair]

I need to think of this as a new beginning and not the end. Maybe things will be brighter sooner rather than later. Lets hope so. BTW congrats on 8 years DoulaLC

[Justwantfair]

I think you have wonderful qualities that you have forgotten about, even the devotion in wanting to work through this is a strong male quality.

This will no doubt made you a better person, it will be a hard battle, but one that will make you strong again. I have a feeling you have not been treated the way you deserve to be treated very often in the last fourteen years.

It's good to hear you aren't just going to lay down and take it, you deserve so much more than she is offering.

[Jake2008]

I think it is wonderful that you are heading in the right direction, and getting some confindence at the same time.

What concerns me is that you offered her an ultimatum, "him or me", and while she said she didn't know, I still get the feeling that you hang onto hope that she chooses you.

When the reality begins to set in for her, and she has no access to the life she's known financially and has also realized that you've taken that choice from her, she is going to see him in a different light.

All of a sudden, changes are going to happen, with or without her making them. She is now going to have to think about paying the rent, perhaps chid support, a car payment etc. and as she faces an unknown future, as opposed to what she knew, well... you may not seem that bad anymore (in her eyes).

That may be one of the reasons she hasn't moved yet, she's enjoying what both men can give to her, and she doesn't want to give either up. She needs you and him, to keep living this huge lie she has created for herself.

You may not see this as forcing her hand, but it will. When there is no 'part B' anymore, part 'A' might not look so good. She doesn't have to be a rocket scientist to see that where once both men were equally important for different reasons, now there is only one man, and he's beginning to not look so good.

This is something you have to think about. What if she realizes that she's rather have you, what are you going to do. How are you going to handle deflecting more smoke and mirrors, as she manoeuvers herself back into a position of power in your home again.

It is because you love her that these things will be extremely difficult to handle. Your reslove, even if she does move, is weak I suspect, and do you honestly know you wouldn't say no to her?

Don't be fooled by the love someone says they have for you. What YOU show, IS love for her, and your children's well being. What she shows is not love. There is no substance there because love isn't what you say, it is what you do.

With your situation, I do believe you love her, and getting beyond that, and realizing she has no love for you in return, is going to be very difficult.

Something to think about.

[Angrychair]

You just stated what the Counselor said. OMG were you there lol. Oh by the way she didn't show

[Justwantfair]

She doesn't have ANY commitment to the fourteen years of marriage the both of you shared, to you or your children.

Time to think about protecting your finances and filing for a legal separation (at the very least), if not a divorce.

[Jake2008]

Good for you for going to the counsellor, and I would have been surprised if she had shown up.

It's good you are hearing this from impartial people. None of us have a vested interest so to speak, and that's one of the best things about this forum.

[Angrychair]

Hello all Im on vacation to coincide with my kids spring break. Here is the latest. She was home for Easter but I went to "his" house and she was there (after telling me she was at work) We had a great weekend like nothing was wrong she still was telling me that she loves me and we can work it out. Here's the kicker she leaves Monday morning and says she needs to spend time away from me to "miss" me. Guess where she is YEP staying at his house. I check my bank account this morning and its 75.00 bucks short. Now I kept our joint account active because I have bills that will be drawn from it. Then I happen to check our email and find out she ordered another 90.00 in goods. I told you this woman has no shame. Anyway all is closed now so Im safe I think.

[BlackVY]

Wow!

I've just been following this post this morning, and I have to say, WOW!

You sound like a really good man, willing to stay with the woman he loves and make it work with her, but sorry to say, no offence, but she doesn't seem to be up to your standard. She doesn't seem to love you as much as you love her.

This thing with the younger man has a very good chance of going south and she may or may not realize what a huge mistake she make, sticking with the wrong side, but at least you know you deserve better.

I don't think its right for her to have the power in this situation, where she is saying she loves you but she won't leave the other guy. In life, you can only truly give your heart to one person. You gave yours to her, but she didn't give hers to you.

Luckily you have your daughter. I don't know how old she is, but I'm sure she would know what her mum did is wrong and she will not make the same mistake.

I don't know how, but I'm sure some good will come of this and God has His reasons for allowing this to happy. I just pray you will never blame yourself for this or put yourself down, because you are blameless in all this. As much as you love her, maybe she just didn't fit together with you as well as you thought she did in the beginning. God bless

[Angrychair]

I have a son as well. But your right I do realize that Ive been a fool for thinking that this situation would ever swing my way. Its just hard to think 14 years is over but slowly the facts are showing themselves

[BlackVY]

Oh sorry, well, yes, both your kids would know what is happening is not right.

14 years is a long time, I can't deny that, but sometimes, no matter how long you have been with someone and how much you love them, it still may be time to let go. You need to think about yourself and how you feel. Yes you love her, but if she left that other guy and came back to you, what is stopping her from doing it again? How can you believe she isn't even still seeing this guy, considering they work together? It will just cause more stress and headaches for you, on top of life's usual problems and that is something you don't need.

I'm glad the facts are emerging now, and I can imagine they would be painful to see, but you will learn and grow from this experience, and like you said, it may make you a better father, and a better person.

[artlady]

Hello all Im on vacation to coincide with my kids spring break. Here is the latest. She was home for Easter but I went to "his" house and she was there (after telling me she was at work) We had a great weekend like nothing was wrong she still was telling me that she loves me and we can work it out. Here's the kicker she leaves Monday morning and says she needs to spend time away from me to "miss" me. Guess where she is YEP staying at his house. I check my bank account this morning and its 75.00 bucks short. Now I kept our joint account active because I have bills that will be drawn from it. Then I happen to check our email and find out she ordered another 90.00 in goods. I told you this woman has no shame. Anyway all is closed now so Im safe I think.

Monday morning and says she needs to spend time away from me to "miss" me.

We have teenagers on here that say that lame stuff and I tell them how foolish and immature that sounds.Coming from an adult woman,it is almost laughable if it wasn't so pathetic.
Why is she sending you this mixed signals? In case he doesn't work out,she still has you.
Unreal!
How is the counseling going ?I hope you are sticking to it if only for your own piece of mind.

[N0help4u]

She wants her cake and eat it too. She is playing games with your emotions because she doesn't want to give up what she has with you but she has moved on.
She is counting on you loving her so much that you don't follow through with your ultimatimums. You NEED to follow through or she is just going to keep seeing how far she can push you. She doesn't want to lose you but you HAVE lost her! Don't be a doormat.
She has made her choice for him at this point.
You know the saying absence makes the heart grow fonder. I think you need to take the gamble and force her to leave. She might try and get back with you but don't let it happen until you have a genuine guarantee that she sees the light.

[Angrychair]

Truly wise words. My friends this is the best therapy in the world.
Oh BTW Im a bastard now for cancelling the debit card and her order "I dont care what happens to her and Im a liar when I say I love her" She also hates me now and "Im insecure". Im telling you you can't make this stuff up Danielle Steel are you getting this.

[Jake2008]

AngryChair, I appreciate that you are reading comments and taking things to heart, but I really have to wonder about your expectations here with your wife.

Why on earth did you allow her home for the Easter weekend? I just sort of imagine you and her, and your children, all pretending that everything is okay; everyone has a good time until she leaves again, and it's back to trying to figure it all out, until the next time.

You are treading in very dangerous waters, emotionally, financially and psychologically. As this pattern continues with her coming and going, and you up and down like a yoyo, it becomes a lifestyle. It gets easier to accept, and because you haven't let go, you keep that lifeline going, and she keeps grabbing it.

So, in my opinion, it has become not so much what she is doing to you, but what you are allowing her to do to you. You've become a little too complacent with the new status quo, and that comfort is not leading to any closure.

Instead of being in a position of power and control over your life, you have created a new relationship with your wife and her boyfriend, and your life revolves around them.

Is there still more to this? I just don't understand the direction you are going. Help me to understand why it isn't over.

[artlady]

Truly wise words. My friends this is the best therapy in the world.
Oh BTW Im a bastard now for cancelling the debit card and her order "I dont care what happens to her and Im a liar when I say I love her" She also hates me now and "Im insecure". Im telling you you can't make this stuff up Danielle Steel are you getting this.

I hate to be rude but it almost sounds like she doesn't have both oars in the water.

If my husband was cheating on me I know I would be feeling a little insecure as well.

And to accuse you of being a liar.What does she expect from you?Have you always been this easy to manipulate because she is clearly taking supreme advantage of you and your really allowing it to happen.

Wow,this woman just has no shame what so ever.

I think you have the patience of Job my friend and I don't know how you are able to even be in the same room with this woman.

You really must start thinking about your future.Your kids are better off with two happy parents than one broken unit that is not working.

[talaniman]

Danielle Steel are you getting this.

Speaking of getting, have you talked to a lawyer, and a locksmith yet??