Ask Experts Questions for FREE Help !
Ask
    mudweiser's Avatar
    mudweiser Posts: 2,750, Reputation: 707
    Ultra Member
     
    #1

    Apr 5, 2009, 08:49 AM
    Am I really stupid?
    My husband and I have been together for about 4+ years. It's been pretty rough.

    About a year ago I caught him cheating on me. By cheating I mean, going on discreet dating websites, emailing escorts- just your basic internet cheating. Although he denies ever meeting anybody, I really am in disbelief and I will be honest with you guys, I have brought it up a time or two.

    I left him for a little bit, twice actually, but I ended up coming back to him.

    This is not the only issue, he seems to always be right. I may be exaggerating just a bit but if you were to tally how many times he's right over me he'd be the ultimate champion. What things is he right about? Well almost anything, directions to a location [I end up getting us lost], any life choices I make [I started this business and it ended up failing just like he said it would, I started working out and he said I would quit and I did after a while]. And it just seems that now I am really doubting myself and I'm actually beginning to think that I am stupid.

    I really don't know how to talk to him or express my feelings to him because the conversation seems to turn at some point to make him seem like he's in the right and I'm the big dummy.

    Almost daily [okay maybe every other day] I'm called everything under the sun. I've also noticed that now we are starting to get physical; I do admit I hit him, slap him, bite him, pull his hair, shove him or just anything to get him off me [and he doesn't hold back to hit me, pull my hair, or do whatever I did to him]. I've had my moments where I just broke down and cried for him to just leave me alone or in the middle of a conversation when he's "right" again.

    Moment of truth: I do want and I don't want to leave this marriage. I do because this relationship is clearly unhealthy, I don't because of financial reasons and the fact that I actually love this man.

    I'm just lost!
    MRS.S
    Ren6's Avatar
    Ren6 Posts: 539, Reputation: 121
    Senior Member
     
    #2

    Apr 5, 2009, 08:54 AM
    You're not stupid, but it sounds like you're involved with somebody who would like for you to believe that you are.

    How do you feel about your husband? Do you still love him? Did you ever go through couple's counseling after the whole escort/cheating event? To me, it seems like he's beating down your spirit, but I don't know the whole story.

    Edit: Whoa! You're hitting him? He's calling you everything under the sun? If you guys really still love each other, you need to get to counseling! Otherwise, just stop the madness and get out. This is no way to live.
    mudweiser's Avatar
    mudweiser Posts: 2,750, Reputation: 707
    Ultra Member
     
    #3

    Apr 5, 2009, 09:03 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Ren6 View Post
    How do you feel about your husband?
    I am very irritable when it comes to him. He really frustrates me and I hate how he twists my words around. Sometimes I know I am right but I can't pin point my points that would prove that I am right- but when it comes to him he can list up to 50 things that would make him right and then I am the "loser". We do have our good times, we have great fun, it's not always hell with him.

    Do you still love him?
    Yes I do. However I don't find myself "in love" with him if that means anything. Hollywood has really distorted love to the point I'm really unsure if that if your not "in love" that it means you are not in love [catch my drift?]. It's begun to be a love/hate relationship.

    Did you ever go through couple's counseling after the whole escort/cheating event?
    Yes we did, it worked for a bit but then everything the councilor would say would be what my husband said prior to ever attending. It turned pointless.

    MRS.S
    Ren6's Avatar
    Ren6 Posts: 539, Reputation: 121
    Senior Member
     
    #4

    Apr 5, 2009, 09:07 AM
    Huh. What did the counselor say? Because what your husband did was way out of order. Maybe it's time to shop around for another counselor. Trust me, your husband is not "right", no matter how much he twists things around in his favor.

    The verbal abuse and physical violence are very concerning... you guys really need a different counselor, or to just get out of this situation. I can't imagine how unhappy I'd be if I were in your shoes!
    mudweiser's Avatar
    mudweiser Posts: 2,750, Reputation: 707
    Ultra Member
     
    #5

    Apr 5, 2009, 09:13 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Ren6 View Post
    you guys really need a different counselor, or to just get out of this situation. I can't imagine how unhappy I'd be if I were in your shoes!
    I would but money is really tight right now.

    I am really unhappy, my weight goes up and down, myself confidence is shot [I've been working really hard on "upping" my self-esteem], last night I cried in frustration but for some reason after this happens everything seems okay and wonderful until the next episode.

    MRS.S
    Ren6's Avatar
    Ren6 Posts: 539, Reputation: 121
    Senior Member
     
    #6

    Apr 5, 2009, 09:35 AM
    Shoot. I wish I knew of some good books that might be helpful.

    Imagine that money wasn't an issue for you. Would you still stay with him? I'm just trying to figure out how far love goes versus necessity.

    I know there's a difference between the "in love" part of a relationship, and the "love" part. For me, the "in love" part lasted about a year, and what I refer to as "real" love kicked in. In my own experience, my partner and I are very considerate with each other. She wanted to start her own business, and I completely supported her, including financially... her business is extremely successful today. Last year, she decided to begin working out. I had no idea if she'd stick with it or not, but I stood behind her all the way. Today, she's lost thirty-five pounds and continues to work out.

    I guess what I'm trying to say is that real love is supportive. It doesn't belittle, or tear down, or always have to be "right". What you're describing doesn't sound like real love. Since money is tight, I suggest looking for some good self help books to help you get through this rough patch until you can afford counseling, or until you can both separate.
    mudweiser's Avatar
    mudweiser Posts: 2,750, Reputation: 707
    Ultra Member
     
    #7

    Apr 5, 2009, 09:44 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Ren6 View Post
    Shoot. I wish I knew of some good books that might be helpful.

    Imagine that money wasn't an issue for you. Would you still stay with him? I'm just trying to figure out how far love goes versus necessity.
    The book thing would be something, I'd do- he doesn't like reading. I would have to tell him what the book says, we'd try it and we'll be back here. I've done this already. I'm feeling like this marriage is not savable.

    If I had money to move out, pay first and last for an apartment, etc- I would leave [I think]. It must be really nice to have someone supportive like that.

    I hope this thread picks up because I am really confused,
    MRS.S
    Ren6's Avatar
    Ren6 Posts: 539, Reputation: 121
    Senior Member
     
    #8

    Apr 5, 2009, 10:35 AM
    Maybe you'd get more views if you put this in "relationships". In the mean time, reading some self help books to help boost yourself esteem would be helpful. You deserve to be in a situation where you are treated well, not torn down.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 39,354, Reputation: 5431
    Jobs & Parenting Expert
     
    #9

    Apr 5, 2009, 10:41 AM

    Recommended books -- by John Grey (Men are from Mars... ) and Dr. Phil.

    I suggest you not tell your husband about every move you plan to make. If you want to lose weight, begin to eat healthier and go for walks or do a few exercises every day when he's not around. Do "easy" stuff like park at the far end of the mall lot so you have to walk a distance. Take the stairs instead of the escalator or elevator. Be creative in how you move your body. Also be creative in food choices (avoid foods containing sugar, flour, rice, potatoes, whipped cream, cheese, chocolate). But don't say a word to him. And don't make it so obvious that he figures it out.

    Also, somehow become a more interesting person -- volunteer at an animal shelter or hospital or library maybe two hours a week. Check out from the library CDs or DVDs from a company called The Teaching Company -- there's every subject from math to history to science to English. (If the library doesn't own them, they can get them for you through interlibrary loan. See the company's web site for more information about their offerings.) You won't get college credit but the courses are taught by either high school or college teachers. You definitiely will be smarter after you listen to or watch a couple that sound interesting to you. Or join a book discussion group at the library. Or a writing group there. If they don't offer either of those, talk with the director about starting one. (It's easy!)

    Move your body and move your mind!!
    mudweiser's Avatar
    mudweiser Posts: 2,750, Reputation: 707
    Ultra Member
     
    #10

    Apr 5, 2009, 11:02 AM
    Thanks for the tip WonderGirl- I will be looking for "The Teaching Company".

    I am eating healthier and I am starting to go to the gym with a friend on Monday- I've been working myself up by myself- it's been getting better. I had a thread that had to do with myself esteem [if you didn't see] and since posting it I've gotten a bit better.

    MRS.S
    Ren6's Avatar
    Ren6 Posts: 539, Reputation: 121
    Senior Member
     
    #11

    Apr 5, 2009, 11:04 AM
    Exercise is an excellent mood lifter!
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
    Emotional Health Expert
     
    #12

    Apr 5, 2009, 11:58 AM
    The trouble with men like your husband is, they are essentially very insecure. It is a form of control in what he does with you, and as long as he keeps winning, you will stay where you are.

    They are crafty. They know ahead of time how you are likely to react, and the closer you get to the truth, the more extreme the measures become until he wins again. He doesn't likely admit to anything, or take the responsibility for the direction that he is steering an argument. He can likely play just about anybody like a fiddle.

    He's never wrong, that's how an argument starts, and that's how it ends. No amount of proof, reason, logic, etc. will convince him he is wrong.

    People like your husband do not do well in counselling as you've discovered, because it is hard work, and takes a long time to see progress. If he doesn't think he has a problem, it is a waste of everybody's time to be there.

    Behaviour escalates, which is the worrysome part. What went from probably a heated argument, turns into screaming and yelling, and progresses to the physical violence. Just a hunch, but I doubt that you could have ever seen yourself physically fighting with a man, let alone your husband.

    While you are considering your options, please consider this. Go to a women's shelter, and talk to somebody who can understand and is familiar with this type of behaviour. It will do you good to realize that many men like your husband have cause untold grief to their partners self-esteem, and physical and emotional well being.

    I'm not saying he is dangerous, I'm saying that his behaviour, gone unchecked, could lead to more problems down the road. The sooner you speak to a professional the better.

    There are many options out there for you.
    N0help4u's Avatar
    N0help4u Posts: 19,823, Reputation: 2035
    Uber Member
     
    #13

    Apr 5, 2009, 12:25 PM

    Have to spread the rep Jake
    Picked the thoughts right out of my mind!;)
    mudweiser's Avatar
    mudweiser Posts: 2,750, Reputation: 707
    Ultra Member
     
    #14

    Apr 5, 2009, 12:27 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Jake2008 View Post
    The trouble with men like your husband is, they are essentially very insecure.
    I know he is. I'm not "allowed" to have male friends- because they just want to get into my pants. We made an "agreement" that we aren't allowed to have opposite sex friends- the only reason I agreed to it was because I really don't trust him after what he did and in the past. The only males I do talk to are my friends' boyfriends.

    He can likely play just about anybody like a fiddle.
    I agree. Just about anybody- it really frustrates me.


    Just a hunch, but I doubt that you could have ever seen yourself physically fighting with a man, let alone your husband.
    Your right, I never saw myself being so violent.

    While you are considering your options, please consider this. Go to a women's shelter, and talk to somebody who can understand and is familiar with this type of behavior.
    I really don't think going to a shelter would do me any good- if you mean visiting there to converse with other women then that is different. The violence usually begins with me hitting him. I know it's wrong but it's the only way I get him to stop.

    Thank-you so much for your insight Jake,

    MRS.S
    nikosmom's Avatar
    nikosmom Posts: 1,611, Reputation: 488
    Ultra Member
     
    #15

    Apr 5, 2009, 12:41 PM

    Dear Mud,
    I've been in a similar situation as you've described and I feel your pain. Really I do.

    One thing I'd suggest is to stop focusing on what you can't do and begin lifting yourself up. You said you can't pay 1st and last month's rent to set up an apartment... well keep checking. Some apartments only require a small deposit and then you pay your first month's rent. Do you have any friends or family that would let you crash at their place for a while? Given the situation and the fact that you have a child, I think someone would be more than willing to give you a place to rest your head until you can save up the money. Do you belong to a church?- if so, your church may have funds to help you with the deposit.

    Speaking from personal experience, this situation will not get better. Your husband obviously doesn't see that there's anything wrong with the situation and he would have to in order to see the need for change. You can't stick around waiting on him to figure out that things are bad. Not to mention, do you really want your daughter growing up around this nonsense? Do you want her to think that this is how relationships work and how she should expect to be treated by a man?

    The thing is, you have to have it in your mind that you want to move on. You can not waiver.

    With my ex (my son's father), it started as verbal. Then it moved to a little push here or there. Next thing I know, he jumped on me because I found out he was doing the same thing you mentioned (trolling on the internet for women). Like so many women, I fell for the "I'm sorry, it'll never happen again, I'll get help"-line. We were apart for about 3 months when I let him come back. Within 2 weeks, I thought he was about to kill me. I ended it right then and there and never looked back.

    About a month later I found I was pregnant with my son. I still don't regret ending it. Not only I'm not sitting around worrying about what he might be doing with the girls from the internet, I'm not worried that I'm going to come home to a fight every evening after work.

    Get out for you and your daughter's sake.
    liz28's Avatar
    liz28 Posts: 4,662, Reputation: 1034
    Ultra Member
     
    #16

    Apr 5, 2009, 01:31 PM

    Save yourself by getting out because he already verbually abuses you and you always stated it gotten physcial. Leave for you own piece of mind.

    Let me tell you about my mother-in-law. She has been married to my father-in-law for the last 30+ years. They have 5 kids that are grown. Now she hasn't worked that much throughout the marriage because her husband was the bread winner while she was a stay at home mom. At the beginning things was fine but fast forward to the present they aren't.

    Three years ago he cheated on her with her best friend and mind you this been her best friend since childhood. Once she found out about the affair she followed her husband to the motel to where her best friend was waiting him. She had a loaded gun and was going kill herself, the friend, and husband. This affair broke her down.

    She was admitted to the husband because luckily the cops caught her before she shot them. After this espiode she remained with the husband not out of love but because of fiancial reasons. If you were to see this couple in the street they look like the happiest couple but they aren't. They sleep in separate rooms and live like friends. I feel so sorry for her because sometimes you can look into her eyes and see pain, despair, anger, sadness, and anything gloomy. She try to masked it but she can't. She even told me that she should have left him along time ago because she knew he was cheating on her a long time ago but overlooked it because of the kids and the fiancial security. Even now she feels trapped because now she's old and can't start over.

    Please don't let this happen to you. If you need money get out and work or go to school and pick a field where you can make money. Single mothers do it everyday. They struggle and they survive and so will you.

    Love is about one person having control and power over the others. Love isn't suppose to hurt. The two of you aren't a match regardless how hard you try because he is set in his ways and so are. You already said and know this married isn't healthy so why stay?
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
    Emotional Health Expert
     
    #17

    Apr 5, 2009, 03:02 PM
    Mrs. S,

    I didn't mean to go and visit to talk with abused women at a shelter. What I meant was when you said money is tight, to go to a shelter, for advice and guidance. They can far better inform you of what you might want to consider doing.

    They have all the resources at their disposal to help you, and could offer you a better perspective on your husband's (and your) behaviour.

    Counselling is something to consider, and worthwhile checking on, as to what is available in your community, just for you.

    It is possible to better understand why this relationship is so seemingly toxic, but I would love to see you get some face to face advice from a counsellor. Just information to start, not any big commitment, but just some good information to give you some insight as to why this is happening, and what it could mean if it doesn't change.
    twinkiedooter's Avatar
    twinkiedooter Posts: 12,172, Reputation: 1054
    Uber Member
     
    #18

    Apr 5, 2009, 03:58 PM

    He's not going to change his ways as he's happily manipulating you and obviously enjoys this. You aren't going to change either as all he does is push your buttons and gets you angry.

    He will change however, but only for the worse. Right now you are the one hitting him. Men can stand to be hit upon just so long and then they will start hitting back. Do you want a broken jaw or a black eye or worse? How about a broken pelvis or a broken leg or broken neck when he slams you down onto the floor or slams you into a wall? When he snaps you'll definitely bear the brunt of it I guarantee you.

    You are staying together for financial reasons? I couldn't think of a worse reason to stay with a person that I didn't love. Get a job and take your child and leave him. Once he starts pounding on you he just might start pounding on your child as well. You don't have to have such a grand place to move to - even a one room efficiency would be better than living with someone that drives you to pound on him would be far more preferable in the long run.

    You seem to have no self esteem and he knows this and preys upon this. Where are your parents or brothers or sisters? Have you spoken to them about spending some time away from him at their place with your child? You need to get away from him before he really pushes your buttons and you end up doing something really awful and end up in jail for a long time due to something you did in the heat of passion or the heat of anger.
    twinkiedooter's Avatar
    twinkiedooter Posts: 12,172, Reputation: 1054
    Uber Member
     
    #19

    Apr 5, 2009, 04:46 PM

    nikosmom agrees: Great post

    Thanks Nikosmom. Just telling it from the heart and experience.
    mudweiser's Avatar
    mudweiser Posts: 2,750, Reputation: 707
    Ultra Member
     
    #20

    Apr 5, 2009, 06:21 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Jake2008 View Post

    I didn't mean to go and visit to talk with abused women at a shelter. What I meant was when you said money is tight, to go to a shelter, for advice and guidance. They can far better inform you of what you might want to consider doing.
    Oh okay.. thanks- that is a great idea. I will do this.

    Quote Originally Posted by twinkiedooter
    I couldn't think of a worse reason to stay with a person that I didn't love. Get a job and take your child and leave him. Once he starts pounding on you he just might start pounding on your child as well. You don't have to have such a grand place to move to - even a one room efficiency would be better than living with someone that drives you to pound on him would be far more preferable in the long run.

    You seem to have no self esteem and he knows this and preys upon this. Where are your parents or brothers or sisters? Have you spoken to them about spending some time away from him at their place with your child? You need to get away from him before he really pushes your buttons and you end up doing something really awful and end up in jail for a long time due to something you did in the heat of passion or the heat of anger.
    I do have a job! It won't be easy for me to pick up and just leave. I have bills to finish paying, then on top of that rent a u-haul, find a place. I live in a city all by myself, if I do leave I want to move back to my hometown [where my family and closest friends are], in order to do that I need to have that money.

    On top of this, unfortunately, I do not have my full driver's license yet. Don't think I haven't studied or anything in fact last Saturday I went to go re-take my test and well I failed- I get extremely nervous on the road and I am really trying to fix that- I'm going for another test this sat and I really hope I pass.

    Don't get me wrong guys I do love him but I'm just getting tired of his treatment.

    Note: If your wondering why I want to move back to my hometown [which is two hours away] is because once we are through my husband will be going back to the U.S. and I'll be left here all alone in this big ole city.

    Thanks for all your advice, I am taking it all to heart.
    MRS.S

Not your question? Ask your question View similar questions

 

Question Tools Search this Question
Search this Question:

Advanced Search

Add your answer here.


Check out some similar questions!

Stupid dad [ 3 Answers ]

:mad:hi I am in high school and every time my teachers Email my dad about a test he gets so crazy and won't let me even breath like giving me no time to do anything but study and sleep eat. So the problm is he makes me write a whole chapter with like 15 big long pages and said it will "HELP ME" BUT...

Is stupid or what? [ 4 Answers ]

Ok, I dated this girl for 11 months. Everything was going well. I was a perfect boyfriend according to every girl that knew my ex. I bought her gifts, roses, pay for her food, take her to school and bring her back. I even was stupid enogh to buy her a $500 phone!! But anyway a week ago she started...

Something stupid I did [ 10 Answers ]

My ex is my boyfriend's brother. I now it is stupid I went out with my boyfriend's brother, but that's not the point. I still have slight feelings for my ex but I have more for my boyfriend. But my ex keeps flirting with me and trying to get back with me. I have already had a word with him about it...


View more questions Search