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Ren6 · Apr 5, 2009, 06:29 PM

Keep trying until you get your license. It is one of the single most freeing things you can do. It will give you so much independence!

mudweiser · Apr 5, 2009, 06:34 PM

Originally Posted by Ren6

Keep trying until you get your license. It is one of the single most freeing things you can do. It will give you so much independence!

Trust me, I am working on it. I just really have to get over that feeling I get. I get so nervous I can't even begin to describe it. The fact that I live in a big city where people drive like crazy people makes me very uncomfortable. I am really, really, really hoping I pass- it's one of my biggest obstacles in order to get out of this marriage.

MRS.S

Jake2008 · Apr 5, 2009, 06:38 PM

I tried my license 3 times... :o The first time, I turned left into incoming traffic, the second time I drove with the emergency brake on, and the third time I drove through a stop sign that appeared out of nowhere. It was all nervousness. I finally got it, and like Ren said, what a great day when you gain that independence!!

In the meanwhile, I know you will feel better after you speak to someone, even if it is just to validate your concerns and thoughts. I hate that word 'validate', but that's what it is. Somebody who knows what your relationship is like, and can offer some help.

I'd drive you there, but might be safer to take the bus. :D

talaniman · Apr 5, 2009, 06:48 PM

Talk about toxic, wow. I think you should follow Jakes suggestion, and get a trained professional to talk to you, just you, and the counselors at a women's shelter is an excellent idea.

You also need a plan, as all it takes is a one way ticket home, to get a fresh start, and the love, and support you need.

For what ever reason he is making you something other than the best you can be, and your letting him. How old are you both anyway?

mudweiser · Apr 5, 2009, 07:11 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

For what ever reason he is making you something other than the best you can be, and your letting him. How old are you both anyway?

We are both in our early twenties. Here's a piece of information that's going to make everyone say "ahhh" : we met in high school.

MRS.S

talaniman · Apr 6, 2009, 04:01 AM

Two things, your communication skills are lousy, and you don't seem that compatible. You both have much to learn, and without a lot of help, you won't do it together.

Marriage is about blending two lives, and working together, and sorry, just don't see it. I just see one trying to dominate the other, and is cruel about it.

You have skillfully, avoided revealing your ages. Are there kids involved, schooling?

mudweiser · Apr 6, 2009, 06:09 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Two things, your communication skills are lousy, and you don't seem that compatible. You both have much to learn, and without a lot of help, you won't do it together.

No worries, I too believe we are uncompatible. I really try my best when communicationg with him, he just turns things around, I get frustraded and well here I am now.

You have skillfully, avoided revealing your ages. Are there kids involved, schooling?

Exact age? 22[me], 23[him]. We have a two year old together and I have ajob, in accounting.

P.S Good morning everyone.
MRS.S

1081Cloudy · Apr 6, 2009, 07:24 AM

I know where your coming from,my husband does this same *#@! except he doesn't hit me. Sometimes I think of throwing the computer in the middle of the street. He lies so much I don't know what to believe.

Just a thought maybe,you could go to a DV for a short while,get your thoughts together,and firgure out what you want to do.

I really hope things work out for you. I wish I had a better answer. It's kind of hard because I'm in the same place.

Jake2008 · Apr 6, 2009, 08:23 AM

It is important that you try to understand why it is you that needs to change.

The most obvious reason is you cannot change him, and you cannot change the nature of your relationship. It is what it is.

I am presuming that the reasons for leaving him in the past were similar to what you are facing now.

Your concept of love, and your understanding of marriage, could very well get you seriously injured or killed. That you accept the violence, means you accept the escalating behaviour that has taken you to this place where you are now battered. Your behaviour now also includes the violence, and this 'dance' will always produce a winner, and it won't be you.

One of the reasons I suggested a counsellor at a women's shelter is that, not only is it an immediate source of safety, but a source of information that could help you see what it is about your relationship that you have no control over.

In seeing what you can't control, and what you can, you may get a better picture of why the relationship changing is probably not going to happen. You need to be in a position of strength to deal with your immediate situation, and your future.

A grown man that attacks a woman physically needs more help than you can ever provide for him. That you have also learned to physically attack him as well, should be red flags and alarm bells going off for you.

This is a dangerous situation, and I urge you to at least seek out people who know what they're talking about and can understand and advise you in person, what your options are, before you get seriously hurt.

It has to start with you.

mudweiser · Apr 6, 2009, 08:46 AM

Update:

Last night, I spoke to him. I let him know how I was feeling and that I do want to leave the relationship. He was pretty sad, we made the decision to save up money for my move and have all the bills paid off so I won't be stranded with them. It'll take about a month but that's how our conversation ended- with a plan.

Is this a good thing? Is it bad? He seemed to have understood.

MRS.S

Jake2008 · Apr 6, 2009, 08:53 AM

No, it's not a bad thing at all, in fact, for both your sake's, it's a smart move.

Getting to the point of actually leaving won't be easy as you know. It is an emotional roller coaster ride from start to finsih. There will be good times and not so good times, but if you have a plan and stick to it, you'll be okay.

Just please be careful.

Keep us posted.

talaniman · Apr 6, 2009, 09:23 AM

Not to judge, but never compromise safety for finances. NEVER. Stay on your toes!

mudweiser · Apr 6, 2009, 09:31 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Not to judge, but never compromise safety for finances. NEVER. Stay on your toes!

Guys! He doesn't beat me.

MRS.S

Ren6 · Apr 6, 2009, 10:09 AM

Originally Posted by mudweiser

Update:

Last night, I spoke to him. I let him know how I was feeling and that I do want to leave the relationship. He was pretty sad, we made the decision to save up money for my move and have all the bills paid off so I won't be stranded with them. It'll take about a month but that's how our conversation ended- with a plan.

Is this a good thing? Is it bad? He seemed to have understood.

MRS.S

If he seemed to understand, and wasn't desperately begging you to change your mind, I'd say he's unhappy as well... so yes, this is the right thing. I'm glad you have a plan.

mudweiser · Apr 6, 2009, 10:37 AM

Originally Posted by Ren6

If he seemed to understand, and wasn't desperately begging you to change your mind, I'd say he's unhappy as well...so yes, this is the right thing. I'm glad you have a plan.

After I told him, he said "Okay" and later on he said "I still want to be with you and [my daughter]". After we had "the plan" he said to me that he thought that it would be really hard on me to be on my own, not that I couldn't make it but it'd be extremely hard on me and he would point on how [i.e. the fact that I don't have my full dirver's licence yet, who would take care of our daughter while I was working or if I'd go on welfare, etc.].

I think he was trying to convince me or scare me from the decision but I think I'm set on.

MRS.S

nikosmom · Apr 6, 2009, 10:40 AM

Originally Posted by mudweiser

Guys! He doesn't beat me.

MRS.S

Yet.

mudweiser · Apr 6, 2009, 10:46 AM

Originally Posted by nikosmom

Yet.

Hey, no yet.

Verbal abuser yes, woman beater no.

Mrs.S

nikosmom · Apr 6, 2009, 10:52 AM

Originally Posted by mudweiser

Hey, no yet.

Verbal abuser yes, woman beater no.

Mrs.S

You said the two of you fight physically (doesn't matter who starts it). This means the gate has been opened for physical abuse.

Do you think most men that beat on women start that way? Nope. It graduates. Starts as verbal and escalates into more aggressive behavior.

Ren6 · Apr 6, 2009, 11:03 AM

Originally Posted by mudweiser

After I told him, he said "Okay" and later on he said "I still want to be with you and [my daughter]". After we had "the plan" he said to me that he thought that it would be really hard on me to be on my own, not that I couldn't make it but it'd be extremely hard on me and he would point on how [i.e. the fact that I don't have my full dirver's licence yet, who would take care of our daughter while I was working or if I'd go on welfare, etc.].

I think he was trying to convince me or scare me from the decision but I think I'm set on.

MRS.S

Geez. I think what he's trying to say is that he doesn't want you to leave, but in his fashion, he's trying to point out how you'll fail... yet again. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't expect him to be enthusiastic about your decision, but it's sad that he can't have an emotionally honest conversation with you. Be strong, because I predict he will attempt to chip away at your determination to leave.

mudweiser · Apr 6, 2009, 11:25 AM

I agree with you Ren.

NM I'm not one of those women that make excuses for their men. If I believed in my heart that he would do that then I would proceed to the shelter. Although his words are hurtful he won't beat me with his fists. The only times he does do anything is if I pinch him and he pinches back, if I shove him, he shoves me back [but not hard]-- these are the only times otherwise he doesn't do it at all.

I hope it makes a little more sense now, but if you think I'm being stupid here then by all means do tell me.

MRS.S