[Carebear]

I have a 16 yr old son who has chosen to live away from home. He still lives in the same town as I do and asks for my help with money once in awhile. I have told him that I will buy him groceries if he has a stable place to live. He has moved in with my sister who is an alcoholic. I don't want to enable her addictions by giving her money for him. How much should a parent do when a child has moved out by their own choice? I feel as if I have no control over the situation but I am still expected to contribute to his welfare. I don't want to abandon him or to bend what I believe in to accommodate being around him. How do I let go ?

[J_9]

I am curious why you let him move out at 16 and why you let him live with an alcoholic where he will have easy access to alcohol. In this manner you are enabling him to become an alcoholic.

I am also wondering how you feel about contributing to the delinquency of a minor, which this adds up to.

Were there some VERY serious problems in your family that you allowed this to happen?

That being said, if you want to help him to begin with don't even give him money! But him the groceries.

But I am still curious as to why you would allow your son easy access to alcohol. It seems like there are many pieces to the puzzle missing here, we really need to know more to offer any form of sound advice. Please go into detail so that we have the whole picture before giving advice that is a) not sound advice for your situation; or b) jump all over you for enabling your son to become an alcoholic.

[Carebear]

I live in saskatchewan. If he runs away from home social services says that he has that choice and the police will not bring him home either. I do not give him money I do buy him the groceries and social services approved my sister as a home for him.He is also quite abusive to my younger son and to me when he is at home. He has been diagnosed as ADHD but now that he is 16 I have no say in whether he takes his meds or not. He went and had himself taken off his meds as soon as he turned 16. I also have talked to my son's worker about him living with my sister. He says that My son has to find his own place to live and he would rather see him there than on the streets. My son refuses to come back home as long as we enforce the rules.

[J_9]

So, in Canada the legal age is 16 and not 18, like it is here in the states?

Wow, I am totally confused! In your post to another thread you state that your sister has had social services visit your sister for not supervising her 3 year old, now you say that she is approved.

If he refuses to come home, would rather live with an alcoholic, where I am sure he will become one himself, then it is probably better that you "wash your hands of him."

I know this sounds hard and truly impossible. But if he can't live by the laws at home and has chosen to move on, then he has chosen to take care of himself.

It is time for some tough love. i.e. "If you don't live here because you will not obide by the rules, you have chosen to live on your own and take care of yourself."

If this is the case, you need to buckle up, be strong (albeit it is hard) and obide by your rules. He does not live with you anymore, he is an adult, he needs to take care of himself.

I may sound harsh, but I say it as I see it, and I am a disciplinarian, not overboard by any stretch of the word, but when I make the rules my children follow or they know the consequences to their actions. I have NEVER laid a hand on my children or spoke derrogatory at any time, but I have taught them that I pay the bills, I make the rules, I am the boss, while they live under my roof. And I have never had one second of trouble out of any of my 4 children (ages 20 through 4).

Again, I am sorry if I sound tough, but I am very fair. Family life is a give and take situation. If one member cannot give, then another cannot take.

[Carebear]

I am confused as well by these inconsistencies in the system. In Canada the legal drinking age is 19. At age 16 we as parents do not have the right to talk to our kids doctor or to have them brought home if they leave,we can't have them put into detox if they need it. I agree that he needs tough love. I have been trying to do that. It is not my strongest trait and is a real struggle. There are a lot of problems in our family and has been for many generations. I am trying to break some of the cycles. So far it's not going real well. I take full responsibility for the mistakes I have made and I'm looking for healthy ways to minimize the damage to others and myself. I am struggling and have signed up with a counsellor. There is a lengthy waiting list so it may be awhile. Thanks for your input, unfortunately the laws here in Canada are not really helpful when dealing with rebellious teens.

[CaptainForest]

In Canada the legal drinking age is 19.

That is not true.

Each province sets its own legal drinking age.

For example, Ontario it is 19, Quebec it is 18.

[Carebear]

My mistake I was referring to Saskatchewan

[J_9]

It is good that CF chimed in on this thread, he is quite knowledgeable about Canadian law.

I agree tough love is a real struggle, but the best way to get through this, if you feel that this is how it is going to be, is to stop enabling. Do not let him think that it is okay to live with an alcoholic. It's not. By this I mean, he made the choice to live there so you will not support his decision, therefore, you will give him no support whatsoever, no money, no food, nothing.

You are the parent, he is the child. You set the rules, either he follows or you have nothing to do with it. Period, end of discussion. Like I said, I am tough, but I am fair. My children are my best friends, but they are my children first and foremost.

It may have to come to you cutting all ties with him whatsoever. If he makes a choice he has to suffer (or enjoy if it is a good choice) the consequences.

[CaptainForest]

The problem here is that each province regulates these issues, not one set for all of Canada.

However, in the last year, both Alberta and Manitoba have brought forth bills to allow for parents to force their minor child (under 18) into detox. Those are the ones I know of right this second, I am sure with some more digging I will uncover more provinces.

Since you are in Saskatchewan, that is where I will direct my research…

Check out: http://www.cbc.ca/story/canada/natio...tox060331.html

According to this CBC Article, as of April 1, 2006, SK parents could force their child aged 12-17 into a detox program with a judges approval.

This doesn't quite help you…yet. But if you see him drinking, use that and say he has an alcohol program, at least that will help for a bit.

As for whether a child can leave a parents home prior to being 18? I don't know. But then again, I am not that familiar with SK Law (I think it is a provincial matter, but I am not 100%)

What I would do is I would go and stick him into a detox program for alcohol. And tell him if he doesn't like it, he better live at home and listen or he will be back there. And keep putting him there.

[valinors_sorrow]

Active alcoholism makes everyone crazy-- which is why its called the "family" disease. Al-Anon is an organization for family members of alcoholics. You might seek some solutions in your local chapter since they have been exactly where you are with alcoholic children, parents, siblings, etc.

Here is their national website: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

[AKaeTrue]

That is surprising about the law. CF mentioned that a parent in SK can "force" a 12 - 17 year old child into detox with a judges order. WHAT! A 12 year old in detox -that's barely out of elementary school. A 12 year old that needs detox is horrible, but that the parents only choice is to force it through a judges order is absurd.
Sorry, I don't want to offend anyone, but I'm a little shocked here.

[epi]

Does it mean someone is an alcoholic if they drink once a week, but when they drink they turn into a mean person... they get jealous and say they are going to hang themselves.. calling other people names and become very angry and billigent. Does that mean they have a drinking problem or alcohol doesn't agree with them... I am confused on this one.

[YeloDasy]

Why is your son involved in the social servies? Just because he doesn't want to live at home? That doesn't make sense... there seems to be more to this story. THe reason I am asking is because I see that there may be something else going on with your son other than he just doesn't want to live with you. I also have not heard from you that he is drinking... so we need to stick to the real problem. It sounds like your son is going through some personal stuff that is not being dealt with... which is why rebellion happens.

[J_9]

I agree with you YeloDasy. All I mentioned was that since he is living with an alcoholic aunt then there is a POSSIBILITY that he may be drinking. He may not, but it is probably certain that he has little responsibility and that there is little to no punishment for certain acts.

[YeloDasy]

Oh yeah, I agree that the aunt being an alcoholic is not okay! Yes that is going to have sone consequences. But they were talking about him being forced into detox... that is not something that is in need right now that I can see... so I am just curious what is going on, J9, you have given great advice on this post so far! More parents should be like you. :)

[tiggerella]

As mom to a girl who will be 16 next week (who ran away last summer herself due to not agreeing with the rules, but was found within 48 hours and returned to us by our local police department), I had to add my two cents:

I agree with the "tough love" stance. My older child, a boy (whom I'll call John here to protect his identity), decided to goof off at school (even though he is an honor student when he applies himself) and ended up taking 5 years to complete high school. At one point in that time, my husband and son got into a major argument and "John" opted to run away rather than live with the rules. Although I would have caved in and done something to help support my son, I knew it would cause problems with my marriage and refrained.

Well, the people "John" chose to live with were all teen or early 20-year-old boys, and alcohol and drugs were in the house. "John" had a job at a music store he truly enjoyed, so he was able to pay toward rent and food, but the other boys weren't as responsible and often locked him out for the night when he had to work late. They ate all the food he had bought for himself, treated his things as if they were community property, and even stole his wallet while he slept one night. Although I would have spared him from being cold and hungry, it seems to have helped him to experience the darker side of life...

Within six months, he came home, apologised for his attitude - and moved back home. Since then, he's completed high school and earned the money he needed to start college. We help as much as we can with finances, but aren't exactly rich, so he's not getting enough to be doing drugs or drinking - and, by choice, is currently an RA in a chem-free dorm (meaning he's the guy who throws people out for drinking or doing drugs in his section... *smile*)

Stay strong, and when you look at your son, think of "John". It's hard on a mother to allow her children to suffer, but sometimes it takes a little suffering for your children to grow up... and if I could send you a hug over the internet, I would do so!

Best of luck in breaking the cycle!

[pumibel]

Does it mean someone is an alcoholic if they drink once a week, but when they drink they turn into a mean person...they get jealous and say they are going to hang themselves..calling other people names and become very angry and billigent. Does that mean they have a drinking problem or alcohol doesnt agree with them...I am confused on this one.

Perhaps you should post your own question on a new thread- it sounds like you have some specific concern, and you may get more attentive answers posting your own question.

[sadiesmom]

I agree with the tough love stance. If he is hungry and needs groceries, he can move back home with you and follow the rules at home. If he wants to have his own way and do what he wants...then he may have to be hungry. barbara