[chuff]

I will try to relax and have fun tonight. This is all just very new to me. Before I met my girlfriend, I was very shy and introverted. She kinda brought me out of my shell a bit, but still, I am a little behind socially. I don't look that bad, since I workout and stuff, and I can be funny when I'm around people I know, so I guess I don't have a problem attracting girls...but keeping them interested...that's another story.

I'm a guy who has the body of a 22 year old (which I am 22 btw), but with the social and dating skills of a 16 year old...

Pat, I'm going to be 30 in December and I have the social skills of a 16 year old. I'm so hard headed I'm just figuring it out now. I wish I had a forum like this 10 or even 15 years ago. The funny thing is I've had some very attractive and very interesting women approach me (as I've been to afraid to approach them) over the years and I've just never known what to say. Finally looking back now, I've realized that I've chased many away by my words or actions in an attempt to have them like me. The worst part is as I've looked back thinking how stupid some of the things I did must have appeared to them. I was a total wuss being pushed over by these women. Please learn now. I'd seriously give thousands of dollars to be able to be 22 and have the kind of outlet that you have now. I know this sounds like a parent saying this but 22 is so young. You have no idea how much your going to learn and how much living you have ahead of you for the next 8 years. Don't be beating yourself up at 22 for not "getting it" because I'm just starting to at 30.

[s_cianci]

As others are going to tell you, take things slow and easy and get to know her little by little. Limit your contact with her and the time you spend together. Keep in mind that your friend has already given you a heads-up that she's "annoying." Granted, you don't have to make all your decisions based on other peoples' opinions ; you're certainly free to form your own. However, you might want to have a heart-to-heart chat with your friend and grill him a little and find out as much as you can about her. That might alert you to some red flags to watch out for.

[Skell]

I have been trying to express what Val said in her post all along.
Brilliant Val. Just Brilliant.
Pat read it over and over.
There is a lot for you to think about if you are honest with yourself!!

[valinors_sorrow]

I'm not looking for a serious relationship right now. I don't think I suggested that I was...But I understand all of your concerns, and agree 100%. There is no way in hell I'm getting into a relationship anytime soon. Probably not for a year...lol.

So tell me Pat, since you are looking... I mean what happens when you meet some amazingly nice girl that you dated but oops, didn't mean to. Are you telling her, "wait, I'm not ready, you'll have to wait a year for me????"

And then we get a post from some genuinely sad girl asking if we can help her sort out what this really really wonderful guy said about having to wait when she doesn't understand what went wrong, except his ex called and he just isn't himself anymore??

I mean, it just happens that way or what?

I hope you don't think I am kidding here...

[talaniman]

Is it just me or are all the young people thinking about is hooking up and partying? I wish I had that luxury when I was young. I've been working and in school since I was 16 and even when I could date I got dumped for one reason or another but hell, I was to busy to really have time to sit on a pity pot or think up ways to get her back, there was just too much to doand places to be and people to see.. Just don't ask me about the 80's I really ain't to sharp about that decade, but the point is where do the youngsters even find the time for all these crazy relationships? Sorry I'm just feeling OLD.

End of rant back to normal programming

[Skell]

Im 23 Tal, and I'm like you. Been working and studying since the age of 16. And I don't really have time for all these "crazy" relationships. And so far I haven't had any. Only the one long term partner of 7 years..
But now I'm single and had a couple of completely innocent dates, I do have to agree. It definitely seems crazy and it is something that I guess I will have to deal with.
Having been with the one girlfriend from the age of 16 until just recently I suppose I'm a little out of touch. But I certainly don't like what I see so far.

I have had a couple of dates so far since breaking up with my ex. This is simply to meet new people and enjoy a females company. I have been completely honest with them about my situation from the begginning. But it seems to have to be one extreme or the other. They want me to be in a full blown relationship from day 1 with them which, I can't give now. I tell them this and they still won't listen and expect a full commitment so I have no option but to run!
It is insane.
It seems to be the case here with Pat as far as his thoughts towards girls.
My mates are the same and they always seem to be jumping from girl to girl and it never lasts.
SLOW IS THE GO! Its just hard finding someone who also has this philosophy from what I can see!

[PatBateman]

Here is a little update guys...

Saturday night we were at this girl's house watching college football, cuddled up on the couch. After the game was over, we left the rest of the crowd for some privacy up on the rooftop, where we talked some more and she asked me to keep her warm as we watched the skyline of the city and the stars and whatnot... lol. She asked me to walk her back to her apartment which was 30 min away and we talked the whole way, holding hands, etc. She invites me in for the night.

So we're sitting there, completely sober (we both only had 2 beers the whole night) and just talking about everything. Turns out we had so much in common and then some... we agreed on various social viewpoints, logic, and other beliefs. I felt like I had known her for years.

She tells me that she liked me when we first met several weeks ago when I helped her move stuff with a friend of mine for her new apartment. She added that she thought I was different because I didn't rush her into making out and that I wasn't aggressive. She said she felt comforable around me, etc. Good stuff.

After several hours of talking, I give her a kiss and say something like "that wasn't rushed, was it?" She says no, gets on me, and we make out and feel each other up and down and whatever for the rest of the night, sleeping for a few minutes in between. She tells me that if I didn't stop kissing her neck that I'd better be prepared for the "consequences"... lol. So I stopped, because I didn't want to have sex, and we keep going, doing what we've been doing.

We finally get up around 10am, and go out for pancakes. Then we walked back to my buddy's place to get my stuff and so I can shower, and we go back to her apartment with my friend and some of her friends, and we all watch the Pats game while she cuddled up to me in front of everyone.

I had to leave after the game, so we exchange numbers and she says she wants to have sushi with me mid week in the city. When I get home and sign online, I put up an away message and she IMs me right away and says something like sweet dreams, I'll talk to you soon.

I didn't reply to her IM right away, but the next day we chatted a bit after I got back from work and we talked about our days, the presidential speech, etc.

What is going on here? What's next? Should I be worried about codependency issues between myself or her? She knows about my ex... and actually a lot more about me since I guess she's done her research.

Please advise...

[PatBateman]

??

[mysticque]

First of all, is this your first time to have a girl friend? Secondly, just think how your prior relationship ended. Would you want to have the same retrospective? And most of all you should be enthusiastic... it's hopeful and there's nothing to worry about. There might be chances that both of you will tend to like too much of each other. However, codependecy is always part of the equation unless you want to just sleep with her. I think both of you are on the same new territory. I wouldn't be alarmed if she wants to have sushi with you. Take it as a positive step. Forget the past. Always good to start fresh if you really want the person.

[talaniman]

I think you should leave the ladies alone period if you cannot get past the lust and be straight up honest. If you don't have the confidence to date and have fun you shouldn't do it. If you cannot handle lust then you should not date. If you cannot be honest and stand your ground in the wake of that lust don't date. If it is fun your looking for and lust, I think any one can understand as long as your honest and up front so open your mouth before you open her legs and make sure she isn't some poor insecure female who will stalk you and rip up your clothes if she doesn't get what she wants. Set the pace if they can't follow or can't fit move on.

[Skell]

Couldn't rep you tal but well said.

Pat, just by the questions you are asking here, you aren't ready. This isn't fun for you. You are so stressed and worried about all this that it is a sign that you aren't ready.

And that's only what people have been trying to tell you from your first thread. The thread where you told us that you were dumped after 6 years, 2 months later found a new girl and felt worse.

Same storey. 6 years is a long time. You should still in a way be grieving that and getting over that. Learning about yourself again.
Sure have a few dates but don't be getting so uptight and serious about things so quick.

I personally think you need a bit of time just for yourself. No girls. Learn to enjoy your own company and learn a bit about yourself that you may have lost in that 6 years.

Read my first thread for a similar experience to you. Its been 6 months now and I'm feeling so much better. After 3 months I was no hope of getting into anything else. Im still not really, but I learnt so much about myself in this period and I'm actually learning to love myself again after hating myself just after the break up. It took TIME though!

Reflect on what went wrong in the last relationship and see how you could have done things better.
Or you know what will happen? You will rush in with this new girl, it will be amazing for about 6 months and then you will be back on here asking us again why you aren't happy or why she has left you.

We see it time and again.

Don't say you weren't warned though!

BUt if you do want to pursue things with her, please please just go slow and still take some time for yourself.

[PatBateman]

Couldnt rep ya tal but well said.

Pat, just by the questions you are asking here, you arent ready. this isnt fun for you. You are so stressed and worried about all this that it is a sign that you arent ready.

And thats only what people have been trying to tell you from your first thread. The thread where you told us that you were dumped after 6 years, 2 months later found a new girl and felt worse.

Same storey. 6 years is a long time. You should still in a way be grieving that and getting over that. Learning about yourself again.
Sure have a few dates but dont be getting so uptight and serious about things so quick.

I personally think you need a bit of time just for yourself. No girls. Learn to enjoy your own company and learn a bit about yourself that you may have lost in that 6 years.

Read my first thread for a similar experience to you. Its been 6 months now and im feeling so much better. After 3 months i was no hope of getting into anything else. Im still not really, but i learnt so much about myself in this period and im actually learning to love myself again after hating myself just after the break up. It took TIME though!

Reflect on what went wrong in the last relationship and see how you could have done things better.
Or you know what will happen?? You will rush in with this new girl, it will be amazing for about 6 months and then you will be back on here asking us again why you arent happy or why she has left you.

We see it time and again.

Dont say you werent warned though!

BUt if you do want to pursue things with her, please please just go slow and still take some time for yourself.

What do you mean by going slow? Do you mean holding off on sex? Or just like, don't be calling her every day or hanging out every week?

Basically, don't treat her like the immediate replacement for my ex and expect her to pick up where we left off?

[talaniman]

If you have sex don't mistake lust for love and just cause this female gives you a lot of good attention, don't start moving your stuff over to her place. She can be part of your life but not all of it, keep yourself balanced between the other parts of your life and her and by no means smother her with calls or see her all day everyday you do have a life remember.Give as much attention to the other things in your life, job,school,family,friends,hobbies as you do to her,BALANCE!! And above all do not sit by the phone and chew your nails waiting for her to call. Pay attention to how she treats and reacts to you so you can give equally. If its all you, a bad sign. Don't tell your life story all at once give a little take a little and listen don't just hear, remember she is watching you. Never let them see you sweat -COMMUNICATE, utmost is believe in yourself so you don't fall for anything CONFIDENCE... (that will be a $50 consultation fee... cash please)

[PatBateman]

If you have sex don't mistake lust for love and just cause this female gives you a lot of good attention, don't start moving your stuff over to her place. She can be part of your life but not all of it, keep yourself balanced between the other parts of your life and her and by no means smother her with calls or see her all day everyday you do have a life remember.Give as much attention to the other things in your life, job,school,family,friends,hobbies as you do to her,BALANCE!!!! And above all do not sit by the phone and chew your nails waiting for her to call. Pay attention to how she treats and reacts to you so you can give equally. If its all you, a bad sign. Don't tell your life story all at once give alittle take a little and listen don't just hear, remember she is watching you. Never let em see you sweat -COMMUNICATE, utmost is believe in yourself so you don't fall for anything CONFIDENCE.......(that will be a $50 consultation fee....cash please)

Oh, I'm doing pretty damn good so far... hehe. I don't initiate contact all the time, and I definitely play the whole "give and take" thing. It's not all me, so don't worry... I'm not being some sad little puppy dog, following her around.

What I didn't understand about your post was the lust/love thing. See, me being totally new at this, my impression is that this girl wants me, and me only. She wants to date me, and possibly start a relationship.

BUT... and this is a big BUT...

I imagine things are different at this age (22-25) and it's not just about tapping a girl on the shoulder at the school dance, getting her number, taking her to the movies, and boom- you are girlfriend and boyfriend.

I make myself nervous when I think of "what we have" and I keep telling myself you have nothing, and just go out and have fun... carefree, get-to-know-each-other, baggage-free fun.

[talaniman]

It takes a while to tell the difference, but when the lust is gone and there is nothing else the relationship fizzles. When its love there will be a lot of other things that will keep the relationship alive. That's one reason you take your time and go slow to find out is it love or just sex and the other things between you that spark the relationship. Sometimes the lust last forever but the relationship is otherwise dead.

[PatBateman]

It takes a while to tell the difference, but when the lust is gone and there is nothing else the relationship fizzles. When its love there will be a lot of other things that will keep the relationship alive. Thats one reason you take your time and go slow to find out is it love or just sex and the other things between you that spark the relationship. Sometimes the lust last forever but the relationship is otherwise dead.

Whoa... please don't use the word "relationship"... lol... not ready for that now, nor will I be even several more months from now.

I only want to date this new girl and just kind of be friends I guess. I've told her this already, and she's cool with it. If in time, we both feel that we want more of a commitment then fine, but as of now, we've only seen each other 3 times over the course of a month, with the third time getting a little hot and heavy... hehe.

She asked me if we're still going out to dinner tonight, so I guess that's a good sign- she's still interested and eager to go out. I think I'll make good on my initial suggestion for dinner... lol.

I want to take a good month or two and get to know her on little dates like this... keeping things short.

I was thinking one really good date would be to take her for a day trip to NYC since she's never been to New York before. But I won't get ahead of myself... we'll see how dinner does tonight.

[Skell]

Well that sounds good Pat,

You asked what I meant by taking it slow and what Tal's answer said was spot on. Reasd tal's post for what taking it slow means.

But it seems as though you are doing this.
Seeing her 3 times in a months is definitely not breaking any speed dating records so good for you.

As long as you have told her your situation and been honest that right now you aren't looking for a relationship and she is fine with that then all well and good.

You seem to have a good handle on things. Little dates everynow and then to get to know her. I like your thinking and I'm sure everyone else here would suggest you do it this way. But keep it this way for while. Im sure she will enjoy her time with you a lot more if it isn't so frequent!

So don't fall into the trap of speeding things up out of lust for her. Keep it at a pace your comfortable with and keep being honest with her and you'll go fine!

Remember though that you still have a lot of learning to do about yourself at this stage. Don't forget YOU!!

[s_cianci]

As has been said before, just continue to take things slow and easy. Don't rush and don't ever become needy or clingy. Have a life that doesn't just revolve around her. It sounds like you're off to a good start so just continue to keep things on an even keel.

[mysticque]

You are on the right track! I bet you are better than some of this guys here. Just teasing.

[sphyncx]

Sit on it for a while, if she does it again while he is there, I'd question it.