Check out some similar questions!

Chillaxguy90 · Mar 28, 2009, 05:33 AM

Okay, I'm going to ask this to better understand myself, but to do this, I must go back to a time I was with my ex. It has nothing to do with her, just something she said to me that ended up being a personal conflict ever since.

Okay, my ex has told me she was not a virgin, which didn't bother me. She has also told me some of the sexual acts her ex before have done (to explain to me what she likes and dislikes in bed) which didn't bother me either. Then she told me how old she was when she lost her virginity (14), and it killed me. I have no idea why that bothered me so much. I know lots of women lose it around that age, that it's normal, but for some reason hearing that upset me. Still to this day I can't figure out why. It had nothing to do with her not being a virgin, solely on her age. Is there any way anyone can help me figure out why that bothered me so much?

shazamataz · Mar 28, 2009, 05:58 AM

I had the same reaction when I found out how old my boyfriend was when he lost his virginity... he was 13, the girl was 16.
I was shocked and kind of disgusted at first.
It took some time but now I know that is part of his past and it is the present that counts :)
Give it some time and if you love each other enough you can move past it... I know I did.

Choux · Mar 28, 2009, 06:34 AM

Only you can know why you were so turned off.:)

It could be that a kid of 14 is still an ignorant child and it's hard to think of an innocent throwing herself away for rank sexual contact she is too young to appreciate..?

Today, kids are having sex far too young so sex has become little more than a handshake and all the mystery and passion of sexuality is disappearing, losing out to porn and sex addictions of all kinds... so sad for the younger generation. Whe healthy sexuality is destroyed, it is almost impossible to recapture.

Best wishes, :)

Chillaxguy90 · Mar 28, 2009, 07:02 AM

Thanks guys. I just remembered one more thing she told me, that sex to her was just something to do, nothing special in her mind. I guess with those two factors playing, I think I realized that us having sex didn't mean anything, without actually realizing that. Does that make sense? I think what I'm trying to say is that my emotions realized this before my mind actually did, explaining why I didn't understand why it bothered me. Kind of makes you feels crappy when you realize that your partner is only using sex as a way to pass time.

Thanks again, now I realize that I won't really have an issue in future relationships, which is what really worried me.

liz28 · Mar 28, 2009, 07:32 AM

When she told you "that sex to her was just something to do, nothing special in her mind", that was an opening for you to asked her what she meant.

When she told you that do you think she was talking about herself having sex at 14? Maybe at that the time she didn't think nothing of her.

When your with someone you should be able to express yourself and have open communication. So when something is said that you don't like or if it hurts you-- talk about it instead of holding it in and wondering. Wondering about what they meant by what they said because that's how misunderstanding start between the two of you.

Jake2008 · Mar 28, 2009, 08:59 AM

I think at some ages, sex is sex, without a whole lot of other meaning to it. For a very young person of 14, they don't have the maturity to judge a relationship much beyond that. Sex is sex. The relationship means sex.

What evolves later, with maturity, is a sense of self. You feel comfortable in your own skin and sex becomes part of what turns into a relationship, with all the maturity needed to sustain that. You learn to expect more from a relationship, like compatibility, character, likes and dislikes, and can judge whether being with this person will eventually include sex as the relationship develops. But it isn't the whole relationship.

That is one of the reasons people should wait when they are young, before they have sex. While they focus on sex, they are not ready to assume the responsibility and consequence of a relationship. Sort of putting the cart before the horse.

It may just be bothering you because she's still immature, and has a lot to learn about relationships.

Chillaxguy90 · Mar 28, 2009, 12:44 PM

Originally Posted by liz28

When she told you that do you think she was talking about herself having sex at 14? Maybe at that the time she didn't think nothing of her.

I don't think so, the conversation where I learned her age was some time after she told me sex was just something to do. It was actually a few months apart if I recall right.

Originally Posted by liz28

When your with someone you should be able to express yourself and have open communication. So when something is said that you don't like or if it hurts you-- talk about it instead of holding it in and wondering. Wondering about what they meant by what they said because thats how misunderstanding start between the two of you

You are right. This was my first serious relationship, and I'm still working on my own personal kinks. Also, I wasn't even sure how to bring this up to her, I didn't even know why it bothered me. I am getting better at the communication though, and she did help me learn to do so. So learning from my mistakes, I will make my next relationship even greater. Thanks.

And Hathor, I'm not really seeing how your post is related to my question. If you could refrain yourself. People come here to get advice and encouragement. Such negativity will only push those who need help the most away.

Chillaxguy90 · Mar 28, 2009, 12:58 PM

"I thought I was trying to defend you because Choux offended your gf by calling her ignorant. Sorry for posting it here, I know it's inappropriate. Anyway, best of luck with you and your gf ;-)"

Unfortunately, she is now my ex girlfriend, and after finding out what some of her true motives were in our relationship, I can really care less what people say about her. But thanks for the thought though. At least you had a good intention.

ordinaryguy · Mar 28, 2009, 03:42 PM

Originally Posted by Hathor

But of course, I'm new here, any good campaigners need strong connections which I apparently don't have that with you guys yet.

No, you don't. It will take a few months and a few hundred posts full of wise and kind advice to forge those connections. I have to tell you, starting by repeatedly going out of your way to badger and harass a long-time contributor doesn't bode well.

And apparent all old members know how's she like but no one is doing anything about it.

It's kind of like family--you like some individuals better than others maybe, but you get protective when somebody who doesn't even know them piles on. Personally, I like Choux, even though her prickly nature has punctured my hide a time or two.

I think you need to get a thicker skin and shed a little of that self-righteous-crusader aura if you want to be accepted and respected here.

Jake2008 · Mar 28, 2009, 09:01 PM

Best of luck to you, hope you post updates!

Chillaxguy90 · Mar 29, 2009, 11:09 AM

I can honestly say I am very confused right now. I have no idea what's going or what just happened. As for the rape question, if it has anything to do with my post, I know my ex was not raped. The age of which she lost her virginity was solely on her own personal decision.

JudyKayTee · Mar 29, 2009, 11:14 AM

Originally Posted by Chillaxguy90

I can honestly say I am very confused right now. I have no idea what's going or what just happened. As for the rape question, if it has anything to do with my post, I know my ex was not raped. The age of which she lost her virginity was solely on her own personal decision.

Go back through the thread - a new person posted a question about why women don't tell people they've been raped. I answered it and requested that the question and my response be made a new thread and pulled off this thread (as a piggybacked question).

Or are you asking about your removed post?

Chillaxguy90 · Mar 29, 2009, 11:22 AM

About the rape question, yes. But also, yes, about my removed post, and Hathor's too. Why were both of ours removed?

JudyKayTee · Mar 29, 2009, 11:26 AM

Originally Posted by Chillaxguy90

About the rape question, yes. But also, yes, about my removed post, and Hathor's too. Why were both of ours removed?

A moderator would have to tell you that - and I'm not a moderator. Usually because the post is insulting or argumentative or contributes nothing to the discussion.

JudyKayTee · Mar 29, 2009, 11:26 AM

Originally Posted by Chillaxguy90

About the rape question, yes. But also, yes, about my removed post, and Hathor's too. Why were both of ours removed?

A moderator would have to tell you that - and I'm not a moderator. Usually because the post is insulting or argumentative or contributes nothing to the discussion.

You must be aware of some of that because you made the original reference to Hathor's post being removed and asked if a report had been made.

Chillaxguy90 · Mar 29, 2009, 12:35 PM

I was slighty, but I was only guessing. Didn't know if she could have removed her posts or not. But thanks for clearing it up for me. And I didn't mean to offend anyone by any means. I'm not here to fight or make enemies, so I apologize for offending anyone.

ordinaryguy · Mar 30, 2009, 05:44 AM

Originally Posted by ordinaryguy

I think you need to get a thicker skin and shed a little of that self-righteous-crusader aura if you want to be accepted and respected here.

JudyKayTee disagrees: I think any comments about how to be liked and/or accepted are inappropriate unless they come from a moderator who has reviewed ALL that has gone on before. Hard to make a decision on what is over the top without reading everything.

You're right. I should have said, "... accepted and respected by me" instead of "... accepted and respected here", which could be reasonably construed to imply that I spoke in some official capacity, or as an authoritative arbiter of what is, and what is not, over the top on Ask Me Help Desk, which I am not, therefore said implication is contrary to my real intent, and should never have been stated or implied, consequently I do hereby withdraw the "here" in my statement, and in its place offer "by me".

You're a lawyer, aren't you? Well, I'm a farmer and I don't always speak with precision. I'll try to be more careful in the future, especially on your threads.

Synnen · Mar 30, 2009, 05:57 AM

Oh for heaven's sake--

Can you people PLEASE stop picking at each other and focus on the OP?