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    AngelaCarterFan's Avatar
    AngelaCarterFan Posts: 14, Reputation: 3
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    #1

    Mar 27, 2009, 05:10 AM
    Difficulty Relating/Bonding
    Hi everyone

    My problem is I have difficulty relating to and bonding with other people.

    It's a long story but I think the background is relevant so here goes...

    I was a shy and quiet child, but somehow always had friends, some of them very close, despite the fact that we moved a lot (not good for someone who takes a while to open up to people).

    When we made our final move however, it didn't go well. There was a bit of a culture clash and I was in that sensitive teenage phase (well, I was 11 but I hit puberty early), and I was bullied, and didn't make any friends for a year (and even then at their initiation).

    In my mid teens what I had originally written off as teenage angst turned into clinical depression, with every thing that comes along with it - anxiety attacks, paranoia, a feeling of emptiness and pointlessness etc - which, combined with the side effects of the anti-depressants, reduced me to a bit of a mess. I lost any desire to socialise, became angry, moody, self conscious and convinced everyone hated/pitied me, which caused me to lose a lot of friends and draw into myself.

    After graduation I came off the antidepressants, and since then (almost 6 years, I'm nearly 24), I have had difficulty socially.

    I have gotten better in a lot of ways, I started exercising (natural antidepressant), cut out alcohol (natural depressant), and started making changes to my behaviour and attitudes. I managed to get through university (eventually, I took a year out after graduation to get the pills out of my system and kind of regroup), did a night school course, volunteered and started work. I haven't had a panic attack in years, I have a really good relationship with my family and I am capable of feeling great happiness with my family or when pursuing my own interests alone.

    However, socially, I'm a mess. I have 1 1/2 friends (2 friends, but when of them I don't have much in common with anymore, hence the 1/2), and they're from the days prior to my depression. I haven't made a single friend since I was 14. I'm better than I used to be, I'm not so shy and I can talk to people, but with a bit of an effort, but I never connect or have anything other than a superficial relationship. We can make small talk or even have an interesting conversation, but I never feel any particular desire to see them socially, nor they I.

    I still live at home, so I don't feel lonely, because, as I said, I have a great relationship with my family, but in a year or so I'll have to move out, and I'm worried I'll feel very lonely and isolated. I'm also concerned that it limits my possibilities in the future. There's one city I would love to move to, but it's thousands of miles away and I can't move that far away from my family, especially when I'm incapable of making friends, I think I'd have another breakdown.

    I feel like I'm happy by myself and in my own world, but in the real world I can only function, not thrive. I feel like since the depression I've been left emotionally deformed and stunted, and can never interact with the world normally again. Whenever I think about it I feel panicky and hopeless, and I know that soon the day will come when I will be thrust into the real world and will just fall apart.

    Has anyone had similar experiences, or words of advice?

    Thank you.
    passmeby's Avatar
    passmeby Posts: 473, Reputation: 11
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    #2

    Mar 27, 2009, 05:59 AM

    *****I feel like I'm happy by myself and in my own world, but in the real world I can only function, not thrive. I feel like since the depression I've been left emotionally deformed and stunted, and can never interact with the world normally again. Whenever I think about it I feel panicky and hopeless, and I know that soon the day will come when I will be thrust into the real world and will just fall apart.****

    Check out dissociative disorders, see if any of that info applies to you. I feel your pain... I have basically no friends either. I don't trust people and am very critical and stand firm in what I want/excpec in a friend so that makes it double tough!

    Talk with a psych, maybe you just have a slight personality disorder and meds could help tremendously. Maybe it was the combination of drugs you were taking that didn't work for the long term, there's a lot of new and little heard of drugsd out there if you feel that much despair.
    Choux's Avatar
    Choux Posts: 3,047, Reputation: 376
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    #3

    Mar 27, 2009, 12:44 PM

    What could be worse than moving thousands of miles away from your family?? Nothing, my friend.

    I think you are clinging to an image of yourself from the distant past and letting that be an excuse for not trying new happy behaviors with new and different people. Also, don't be a perfectionist... that is a ticket to hell.

    You could start by being active in sports, on a team, and being friendly with your teammates. Let yourself be free and physical... get lots of exercise. Learn how to laugh, and laugh at yourself.

    Best wishes to you going forward, :)
    L-001-06-H's Avatar
    L-001-06-H Posts: 45, Reputation: 1
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    #4

    Mar 29, 2009, 07:13 AM

    OK.. I'll keep this quick and short...

    Sounds allot like me.. there may be other factors you failed to meantion.. but there's really no need, because regardless I understand first hand.

    Age 19, PFC in the united states marine corps.. was a mess, got into buying/selling things I shouldn't, doing things with guns/knives I shouldn't have, never killed anyone though (thankfully).. so I kept my nose clean, though not my eyes (to to speak).. one of the main reasons, if not the main one, that I joined was to do prety much what you said. Cut out the bad , and start something good. Allot of exercise (natural antidepressant) with the marines, so it's all good... it helped, it made me stronger, helped me deal with things, etc... BUT, it didn't "cure" me.. still not cured...

    That's a bit of my background, a VERY tiny sliver of it... the main and right now, only advice I have, is try new things. Be careful, don't screw yourself over, and ALWAYS have a backup plan, usually at LEAST two... but "jump right in head first" as long as you're sure you can stay safe, and have something to fall back on. That city you want to move to (if I understood properly) try moving there for a few weeks, make sure your family knows and is ready to help and willing to take you back (idk if that's an issue or not) if it does go to.. BUT, have a plan, make sure you have a life to come home to, and just jump straight in and try it... if all else fails, you come home, and have some new experiences to brag about. :)

    I did the same thing about 2 months before I enlisted, I "moved" for what was soposeto be 2 months, with my canadian ex... it didn't work (failed) and after 5 weeks, I returned to my family and friends (friends are more like family though, even though I'm only actually close to one of them, and only slightly)..

    Truth is, with me.. I've gotten to the point where I can get "attached" to people pretty easily.. but only for a short time, and the slightest thing goes wrong, I find myself mentally and emotionally detached from said person(s)... that's why they call me "DETATCH".

    Best of luck, hope I was able to shed a little insight on your situation. My email is EMAIL REMOVED FOR PRIVACY
    AngelaCarterFan's Avatar
    AngelaCarterFan Posts: 14, Reputation: 3
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    #5

    Apr 1, 2009, 05:17 AM

    Hi Choux

    I'm fairly new to this and can't work out how to respond to answers within the answer (apparently there's a button but I can't find it), so I'm posting responses in here).

    Thanks for your input. The idea of me being caught up in an idea of who I used to be rather than who I am now is an interesting one, and I've definitely got to stop thinking of myself as the unhappy, unpopular teenager I used to be and embrace who and where I am right now (even though it's not exactly where I want to be. I have to try to see things more clearly, without years of baggage clouding my vision).

    As for the joining team sports/activities thing, I do see your point, but my problem isn't necessarily meeting people per se, it's to do with making a human connection, breaking down the wall that seems to exist between me and others (maybe one of my own making, or at least maintenance... ).

    Although I suppose what you could be saying is that if I force myself to interact with enough people, in enough situations, for enough time, I'll break through the wall and connect with people eventually. Is that what you meant?

    You've definitely given me something to think about, thanks for giving your time in answering, and for your support.
    AngelaCarterFan's Avatar
    AngelaCarterFan Posts: 14, Reputation: 3
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    #6

    Apr 1, 2009, 05:20 AM

    Hi Passmeby

    Thanks for your reply. I've started looking into dissociative disorders. Because I don't feel detached all the time I'm not sure if I have that particular problem (I'm getting the impression it's a permanent state from my research, not one conditional on certain environments), but researching this and personality disorders is proving an education, and has definitely opened my eyes.

    I'm wary of drugs because I had a bad experince last time and would like to think I can face life without them, but I may need to accept that I need them, although I would like to do it after exhausting other options. After all, some mental problems are called by chemical imbalances, and fixing those with chemicals is no different than fixing diabetes with insulin. However, like I said, I would like to try other things first.

    I should also consider a psych, I've never actually seen one before (when I was a teenager my doc just wrote me a prescription).

    I hope this isn't too personal, but if your knowledge comes from personal experience, could you please tell me how helpful you find therapy/medication?

    Thanks
    AngelaCarterFan's Avatar
    AngelaCarterFan Posts: 14, Reputation: 3
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    #7

    Apr 1, 2009, 05:20 AM

    Hi L-001-06-H

    Thanks for telling me about your experiences, and for your advice. The idea of a sort of 'test move' is good but a little tricky. I live in England, and I would like to move to the US, which is quite complicated (green cards, visas etc), and so not something it would be easy to do on a trial basis. BUT, I could possibly go on a student/tourist visa for a while, just to get a taste of what its like in reality (it could all be in my head, and the reality could fall short), and see how I cope with it. It wouldn't be exactly the same but it would give me an insight.

    Getting out there and trying new things is something I keep hearing. It would definitely help me to meet lots of new people in different environments, and, as I mentioned in my response to Choux, maybe if I meet enough people I will start making connections with at least some of them, maybe it's a numbers game. And I get the whole 'always have a back up' thing, if I'm doing something that makes me vulnerable I want to know that if it goes wrong my world won't fall apart, as I'm not one of those carefree people that can have everything go wrong and find it exhilerating just to have taken the risk.

    I know what you mean about not being 'cured.' You can learn to function perfectly and be fine on the surface but there's still something there that's not quite right. What I'm trying to work out now is f there is a cure, and there is hope for me to be better, or if there is no cure, and the answer to my problems is just to try and find my own type of happiness within my own limitations.

    Thanks again.
    ordinaryguy's Avatar
    ordinaryguy Posts: 1,790, Reputation: 596
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    #8

    Apr 1, 2009, 06:14 AM
    The first thing I notice is that you write really well. This is a rare and valuable skill, both in the workaday world, and in your own inner world. Among other things, it reveals that you know how to think.

    Quote Originally Posted by AngelaCarterFan View Post
    I have gotten better in a lot of ways, I started exercising (natural antidepressant), cut out alcohol (natural depressant), and started making changes to my behaviour and attitudes. I managed to get through university (eventually, I took a year out after graduation to get the pills out of my system and kind of regroup), did a night school course, volunteered and started work. I haven't had a panic attack in years, I have a really good relationship with my family and I am capable of feeling great happiness with my family or when pursuing my own interests alone.
    Before you do anything else, you should give yourself due credit for all you've accomplished and how far you've come. This is a truly impressive list of things you've done to heal yourself in the last six years. Spend time savoring the feeling of satisfaction that comes from taking an initiative, making a decision, and following through with action. Put little reminders of your successes on display, look at them occasionally, and take a moment to say to yourself, "That was was a good thing I did. It's tangible evidence of my capability and my ability to succeed and be happy." Taking pleasure and satisfaction in what you have already done provides the energy, the psychic fuel, so to speak, for doing the next thing, so it's an essential step, not to be skipped.


    However, socially, I'm a mess. I have 1 1/2 friends (2 friends, but when of them I don't have much in common with anymore, hence the 1/2), and they're from the days prior to my depression. I haven't made a single friend since I was 14. I'm better than I used to be, I'm not so shy and I can talk to people, but with a bit of an effort, but I never connect or have anything other than a superficial relationship. We can make small talk or even have an interesting conversation, but I never feel any particular desire to see them socially, nor they I.
    I guess all I would say is don't get in a hurry and try to force it. The basis for friendships that are both close and healthy is a secure and centered self. You are well along on the road to this state, so don't be distracted by what hasn't happened yet. Just stay focused on all the good that has already happened, nurture your inner self and take pleasure in what brings you joy.

    I have been blessed by many good and true friends in my life, and they all came to me seemingly by accident, on the flimsiest connection or unlikeliest coincidence. Deep connections with others depends on a deep understanding of yourself, and you are building that knowledge day by day. Think of it as preparing the soil and planting seeds. It's not your business to make the seeds sprout, so be patient.

    I feel like since the depression I've been left emotionally deformed and stunted, and can never interact with the world normally again. Whenever I think about it I feel panicky and hopeless, and I know that soon the day will come when I will be thrust into the real world and will just fall apart.
    These troubles are all in the hypothetical future. By staying focused on the joy and goodness in the present, you build the strength to meet future challenges when they come.

    Has anyone had similar experiences, or words of advice?
    Feed your joy, starve your fear.
    artlady's Avatar
    artlady Posts: 4,208, Reputation: 1477
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    #9

    Apr 1, 2009, 06:47 AM

    The strange thing about emotional detachment is that in some instances it is a positive step to help one cope with negative outside influence.It is self preservation.

    If I don't allow this person or situation to get into my head,it/she/them can't hurt me. I am safe.

    Many people who suffer from dissociative disorder have had a trauma that precipitates the onset. Perhaps your early childhood bullying was a catalyst for your problem.

    I think a person of your obvious intellect can appreciate that the best course of treatment is with a professional.

    Some things are best left to them and I believe that you would be able to greatly enrich your life by seeking help.

    Best of luck!
    AngelaCarterFan's Avatar
    AngelaCarterFan Posts: 14, Reputation: 3
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    #10

    Apr 3, 2009, 04:34 AM
    Thank you ordinaryguy for your advice and kind words. :)

    I agree that I may be putting too much pressure on myself to change quickly. I know from personal experience that it takes a very long time to institute lasting change, and that changing the way you feel is much harder than changing the way you behave.

    I also agree that I should make more of an effort to enjoy the present, as I am in a much better place now than I was 6 years ago, and am not enjoying it as much as I should because I'm preoccupied with how much happier I could (hypothetically) be tomorrow.

    It's true - relationships develop at their own pace and in their own way, and I may be trying to force something that should develop organically.

    I have a lot of good things in my life and I will try to appreciate and enjoy them far more than I am at present.

    Thank you again :)
    AngelaCarterFan's Avatar
    AngelaCarterFan Posts: 14, Reputation: 3
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    #11

    Apr 3, 2009, 04:36 AM
    Hi artlady

    Thank you for your response.

    The idea that my inability to connect could stem from a fear of getting hurt is certainly valid, and would explain why I can be very close to people that I knew before the depression (who I know won't hurt me), whilst being detached from people that I've met since then (who are potential threats to my happiness).

    You are not the first person to suggest therapy in response to my post, and I am thinking about it, although it does raise questions.

    I'm worried that seeing a therapist (rather than just seeking advice from other people) will confirm that there's something wrong with me.

    I'm worried that they'll tell me something I don't want to hear.

    I'm worried that I'm messing up a good thing - I am much better than I used to be, and, as ordinaryguy suggested, maybe if I just enjoyed what I have and stop pressuring myself, change will come eventually, and naturally.

    I'm worried that if I try therapy and it doesn't work that all of my paths will have been exhausted. As long as I don't have therapy there will always be another option lurking in the background, a potential lifeline, but if I try it and it doesn't work there's nothing.

    I don't mean this in a dramatic way, as I have found these posts helpful, and I am feeling optimistic. I'm not actually obsessing about the 'shrink issue' in the way this post would suggest. It's just a sample of some of the questions and concerns swirling around in my head.

    Thank you again :)
    artlady's Avatar
    artlady Posts: 4,208, Reputation: 1477
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    #12

    Apr 3, 2009, 05:19 AM

    I'm worried that seeing a therapist (rather than just seeking advice from other people) will confirm that there's something wrong with me.
    Having been in therapy at different times in my life I can attest that it is for the most part a very positive and healthy experience.

    If anything therapy teaches you that there is not anything inherently*wrong* with you and that your feelings have validity.

    Therapy is talking to an objective party who knows how to get you to open up about repressed feelings.Therapy teaches you tools in coping.Strategies to change your internal dialogue from one one of *I can't* to one of *I can*.

    Success depends on whether you are willing to accept the work to make changes.

    I am afraid that most people have a very misguided impression of what therapy is due to a poor representation in film and T.V.

    Before you throw the idea out the window I suggest you take a peek at the link I have provided and perhaps you would reconsider.Once you arm yourself with knowledge ,you may have a different perspective. I wish you the very best.

    Therapy Center | What Is Therapy
    AngelaCarterFan's Avatar
    AngelaCarterFan Posts: 14, Reputation: 3
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    #13

    Apr 3, 2009, 06:31 AM
    Hi artlady

    I wasn't throwing the idea of therapy out the window at all, I'm thinking about it in great depth, I was just saying that I don't find therapy a decision that can be made easily or lightly, and sharing the fact that going to therapy for the first time is a difficult first step, which raised a lot of questions in my mind.

    Thank you for the link, and again for your good wishes, they are greatly appreciated.
    artlady's Avatar
    artlady Posts: 4,208, Reputation: 1477
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    #14

    Apr 3, 2009, 07:11 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by AngelaCarterFan View Post
    Hi artlady

    I wasn't throwing the idea of therapy out the window at all, I'm thinking about it in great depth, I was just saying that I don't find therapy a decision that can be made easily or lightly, and sharing the fact that going to therapy for the first time is a difficult first step, which raised a lot of questions in my mind.

    Thank you for the link, and again for your good wishes, they are greatly appreciated.
    Your quite welcome and if you ever feel the need to talk ,there is a great group here willing to listen.
    Best wishes.. Michele
    ordinaryguy's Avatar
    ordinaryguy Posts: 1,790, Reputation: 596
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    #15

    Apr 3, 2009, 08:38 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by AngelaCarterFan View Post
    I also agree that I should make more of an effort to enjoy the present, as I am in a much better place now than I was 6 years ago, and am not enjoying it as much as I should because I'm preoccupied with how much happier I could (hypothetically) be tomorrow.

    It's true - relationships develop at their own pace and in their own way, and I may be trying to force something that should develop organically.

    I have a lot of good things in my life and I will try to appreciate and enjoy them far more than I am at present.
    Not to put too fine a point on it I hope, but I'm not really talking about enjoying all the good things in your (outward) life, I'm talking about taking (inward) pleasure in, and giving yourself credit (actually praising yourself to yourself) for all the good choices you have made and the good work you have done (inwardly) to further your own mental and emotional health over the last six years. It's the difference between enjoying the fruits of your labors (which is good), and enjoying the fact that you were able to decide what labor to undertake, and to follow through with appropriate actions (which is better). Don't worry about self-flattery. I'm sure there are many people in the world who flatter themselves too easily, but I can't imagine that you're one of them.

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