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everythingmd · Mar 23, 2009, 05:17 PM

Hey everyone,

I am living with my boyfriend of two years (let's call him Dan) and I can envision us lasting a very long time.

Currently, Dan is on a business trip with the CEO of his company. He just graduated from college, so spending some one-on-one time with the CEO is a big deal for him. Anyway, after a long day's work, the CEO asked Dan to go to accompany him to a strip club (fyi, strip clubs aren't Dan's thing).

Dan was considerate enough to ask me if he could go. Frankly, I didn't want him to go, but since he always skips out on company bonding at bars (Dan doesn't drink), I just thought that this may be a good opportunity for him to "bond" with his boss. Stupid logic, I know. So, I texted him back saying that I was fine with it as long as 1. he thinks that it'll actually help him "bond" with the CEO and 2. he doesn't touch the strippers/doesn't let them touch him.

When it comes down to it, I can't be upset at him for going, especially if he respects my wishes. However, I hate knowing he's 3,000 miles away gawking at strippers.

So, when he comes home, how do I tell him that I don't want him going again without "scolding" him or making him feel guilty for going tonight? After all, I said it was OK... :(

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks! :)

I wish · Mar 23, 2009, 05:35 PM

Well, how about we wait till he gets back. Who knows, since he's not a drinker maybe he'll hate it and he'll willingly stop going.

You two seem to have a good communication system going on though. He asked you for permission, so that's a good sign. I think that you can be honest with him. Reinterate that you don't really like him going, but you thought that it would help him 'bond' with the CEO, so you let him go this one time. Just be really calm when you talk to him. I'm sure he will understand. You'll just have to help him make up excuses to his CEO next time though!

Good luck!

Murraystate · Mar 23, 2009, 05:40 PM

Hey, my advice is to just not worry about it. I would joke with him. If he isn't into that stuff anyway, it probably won't be that "cool" with him either. Just remember that looking doesn't mean that he is cheating on you. I know I had a boyfriend do something similar afterwards he told me that he loved me so much and he couldn't understand why any guy would want to do that, specially if they had me to come home to.

So don't worry. Just kindly tell him it freaked you out a bit, but that you are happy he got time with :)

Hope this helps! I know it can be hard, but I think you did the right thing!

captainpecan · Mar 23, 2009, 05:57 PM

Yeah, sure, every man hates gawking at beautiful naked women. I'm sure he had a horrible time, lol. Look, accept the fact that he most likely enjoyed himself, it's just human nature. It is also human nature however to not want him to be looking at those naked women. As I see it, he did exactly what he should have done, and he was up front with you, and told he wanted to go, instead of just going and not telling you about it. I would be very pleased if I were you, that he cared enough to remember his obligations to you, and to respect them.

It really appears to me that you two are on a very good level in your relationship, and were honest with each other even when it was not a good subject. The correct answer here, is to be honest when he gets home. Do not act like it didn't bother you, that will only show him that it's okay to do it when he wants and set you up for another issue later. Be honest, tell him it does bother you, but you also knew you could trust him. And kindly ask him to please not go again. Let him know you do not want to keep him from going, but don't hide your feelings, he will respect that more. Trust me, he is not really looking forward to dealing with the issue when he gets home either. Neither of you are. Be 100% honest, don't be rude with him, understand you gave him permission, and in a jokingly manner, make sure he knows "He owes you one!"... The Chip'n'Dales will be near you soon enough... lol

Fr_Chuck · Mar 23, 2009, 06:26 PM

This is a little different but still similar to the 100's of boyfriend going to strp bar for some reason,

First in most of the higher upscale places, And where I would assume a CEO goes to the high class places. There is no "touching of the girls"

But to be honest, if the common bonding is in bars and the CEO things that going to strip clubs is the common thing to do, I really doubt that a person who does not drink and does not fool around have any place in a company like this.

Most likely he should be getting the resume out.

scottmc77 · Mar 23, 2009, 07:11 PM

The truth is all guys look at other woman, we are visually stimulated and that is just the way it is, on that note it does not mean that we don't love the woman in our lives and it sure as heck doesn't mean we are going to act out if we look! :D

talaniman · Mar 23, 2009, 09:30 PM

Don't make this a bigger deal than what it is, as he already knows how you feel. And you know how he feels.

theartofm · Mar 24, 2009, 12:37 AM

I'm like Dan, don't care much for strip clubs, though I do like looking at the girls.

Getting sex in a strip club isn't that easy unless you're shelling out huge amounts of cash, and even then it takes a little know how - strip clubs are NOT set up for sex.

The girls there don't want to be touched (much), and they don't want to touch the guys either. Your man is as safe there as anywhere - except that he is going to be horny as hell when he leaves!

I go to the clubs with my "boss" sometimes because he likes it. I watch, have a few beers and laughs, sometimes he buys me a lap dance. The first few times I accepted the dance, but then the last few times I just passed. We don't really do that anymore.

So forget about the jealousy. Let him tell you about what happened, and when he is touch him and hold him and let him realize what he has in you.

everythingmd · Mar 24, 2009, 03:25 PM

Thank you so much for your responses. I truly appreciated them. Here’s an update:

Last night, Dan called me after he left the strip club. As I expected, as soon as they got there, the CEO dropped a couple $100s for a stripper to give my boyfriend a lap dance. Dan said that the girl was really gross and he didn’t really enjoy it (I believe him because I think that male strippers, no matter how gorgeous the are, totally gross me out… I apologize to any of the male strippers that may be reading this). In any case, my boyfriend ultimately left early to go back to the hotel, while his (married) boss went out and picked up some hookers (btw, he offered my boyfriend to go with him... Ugh!).

Honestly, I'm really happy that my boyfriend told me everything. His honestly makes it nearly impossible for me to be mad at him. On the other hand, he did accept the lap dance. Couldn’t he have been like, “no dude, you can have it”? Or am I expecting too much from him? I realize he doesn’t want to come off as an uptight sissy to his boss (which is crazy, because he isn't), but at the same time, I told him he could go under the condition that he didn’t receive a lap dance.

Also, I want to approach him with the following issue: I want him to bond with his employers, but I don’t want this garbage to happen again. Frankly, I don’t care if he goes to strip clubs and checks out other girls… Just because you’re in a committed relationship, it doesn’t mean that you have to check your manhood at the door. At the same time, I just hate the fact that his 45 year-old married CEO (someone you're supposed to respect professionally and personally) is encouraging promiscuity on my boyfriend.

Anyway, tonight, he’s coming home… I really want to say, “never again”, but at the same time, I don’t want to “limit him”. How do I approach these issues without sounding so abrasive?

Again, any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks! :)

I wish · Mar 24, 2009, 03:55 PM

Like Talaniman said, he's already aware of how you feel about it and he's been so open, it's really hard to ask for more from him.

He was willing to compromise with his CEO. He was willing to go with him, but your boyfriend left early and he was really open about the whole situation with you. So I'm sure he's willing to compromise with you as well. Just talk to him and see what kind of an arrangement both of you can live with you!

Just a thought, but maybe you should have more trust and faith in your boyfriend that he will do the right thing. I'm sure that he doesn't want to ruin your relationship either.

Murraystate · Mar 24, 2009, 04:31 PM

Agreed, trust your boyfriend he sounds very sweet. And the lap dance thing, don't worry about it! Like I said before I have heard a lot of guys say strippers are gross. And this nasty boss guy, don't worry about it. Your boyfriend will handle it. People do stuff like that all the time it's life. If you keep your communication open and you are supportive and understanding of him... he won't be temped look at what he has at home! :)

captainpecan · Mar 24, 2009, 08:13 PM

My suggestion is to trust him. Please do not put him in a position that those he works with will tease him about being whipped, or anything like that. He wants to be part of what's going on, but he is very much aware of what he is doing, and is still very respectful to you. Trust him, it's a really hard spot for him to be in. He needs you to understand, even though we all know it bothers you badly.

talaniman · Mar 25, 2009, 07:32 AM

You should really back off, and let him handle his own business. Your making this a bigger deal than it should be, given his honesty and being forthright with you about everything.

Stop trying to control, yes CONTROL his behavior with his co workers, and make him toe the line. He is a grown adult, you have a good thing going. Just show your appreciation by backing up, and let him be his own man.

He seems to be good at it, and doesn't NEED your conditions.

blingaru · Apr 22, 2009, 12:05 PM

You need to decide what is right for both of you. The simple truth is this: If something feels wrong for one of you, then it's wrong for both of you. Relationships are about compromise and supporting each other. Just because it's not a big deal to some of the posters on here does not mean that it's not a big deal to you. I think communication and an open dialogue are always the right way. If you're worried that he might want to go again, then discuss it with him. Don't accuse him. Don't act as if he's done something really wrong, just be rational, explain why you feel the way you do and go from there.

Gemini54 · Apr 22, 2009, 10:40 PM

Really, in the end you are not his keeper!

A perfect way to end a relationship is to start controlling what your partner can or can't do. He's been open and totally honest with you and you want to scold him?

I agree with Talaniman, you're making a bigger deal of this than you should.

It's up to him to set limits on his own behaviour and explain his ethics to his Boss, not you.
How he responds to issues related to his work is his call not yours.

If I were you, I'd be examining my own behaviour not his. Why do you feel you need to be controlling and paternalistic around this issue? Is there something around infidelity or sexuality that you're insecure about?

My experience is that men respond best in relationships when they feel nurtured, loved and trusted. He is nurturing, loving and trusting you - his actions regarding this issue would seem to suggest this - why don't let go of fear and reciprocate?