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ram831 · Sep 3, 2006, 06:37 AM

A little over a month ago my boyfriend was working on my car. He was underneath and the jack he was using slipped and the car fell crushing him. He was only 42 and very healthy. I am the one who found him and I am having a really hard time dealing with it all. I still feel like it's all a really bad dream and that it just can't be real. I have lost loved ones before but never in such a tragic way and I really feel like I can't deal with this and I don't know what to do?

valinors_sorrow · Sep 3, 2006, 07:02 AM

This can easily be the part where it appears to get worse because the shock (which serves as a kind of emotional buffer) is lifting and you experience everyone getting on with their lives so easily when you aren't. There are bereavement support groups that you might find beneficial. There are also grief counsleors available for a more intensive one-on-one. I would bet your local hospital can put you in touch with either. Some grief takes more to work through than others. This one was shocking, gruesome and in your face, so I am not surprised its more troublesome. You may even have a touch of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome to go along with it (the bad dream reccurring suggests that) which would also require professional help. Make those calls and see what happens. If its not your cup of tea, then you can always back out and try a different approach. And my sincerest condolences for your significant loss.

Taukame · Sep 3, 2006, 07:34 AM

I am so sorry for your loss. I had a friend die tragically as well, and it took me almost six months before I could get to a day when I didn't cry. I was lucky in that I had a very good friends who would let me talk and cry. They would listen and cry with me and then they would make me come out, make me engage other people. After about three months I did seek the help of a therapist who helped me by being an objective ear and a perscription for an antidepressant. I still think about him and I still get a little weepy when I do and it's been over three years now. The best thing you can do for yourself is take care of yourself. Go to the doctor, get plenty of rest, eat right, get involved in your life. Don't expect it to happen overnight, but just trust that one day you will realize, hey, I didn't cry today. You'll think about him and something he did and be able to smile along with the tears.
Grief is a process, and we have to go through all of the steps. Take your time. You are entitled to go at the pace that works for you. You are entitled to get whatever help you need to get through it. Don't drop the ball on this one, or gloss over what you need.

JoeCanada76 · Sep 3, 2006, 08:10 AM

I am so sorry for your loss. It would be so terrible to go through. Like everybody said it is a process. The grief process that your going through. Also you are defiantly still in shock, you still can not grasp it or even believe it or it feels like a complete dream. This is shock and it does eventually go away. There is not a quick way to get over seeing something like that. It does take a lot of time especially the trauma you have experienced. I would suggest you also talk to Godly councel to help you develop the tools of learning of excepting what has happened and will guide you through the process of grief. Even though that is important we will always be here to help you in anyway we can.

AKaeTrue · Sep 4, 2006, 11:16 AM

Yes, I would definitely suggest counseling with a priest or minister in your situation. It will provide you with comforting coping skills and a better understanding of passing on.
Feeling happiness in your life again does not mean you are letting go of the person you love. Your boyfriend does not want you to feel pain every time you remember him, he is with you in spirit and wants you to be happy and content.

phillysteakandcheese · Sep 4, 2006, 03:08 PM

What would your boyfriend want?

I'm sure your boyfriend is very sad because you are so sad. A month is not very long at all. You're still grieving and that is completely normal.

I think your boyfriend would want you to get on with your life once your grieving is over. He's want you to be happy.

In time, you will probably cross paths with someone else, who will also bring joy into your life.

kp2171 · Sep 4, 2006, 10:11 PM

Expect this to hurt a long time.

It WILL get easier in time. It WILL hurt less in time.

But its too early. You are supposed to grieve because he was important to you. Don't fight it. You are supposed to be sad. You are supposed to move on... and it will take time for you to find the balance between missing him and letting him go.

All you can do is put one foot in front of the other.

ram831 · Sep 5, 2006, 05:40 AM

Hi, First of all I would like to say thank you all for your sympathy and your suggestions. I am going to talk to the priest about all of this and maybe join a group or something. Like I said I think the hardest part is that it was so unexpected and happened in such a tragic way. The image of finding him like that and feeling so helpless just magnifies the whole thing. I would just like to see all the happy images and not keep seeing the way I found him. Thanks again to everyone.

kp2171 · Sep 5, 2006, 05:53 AM

Don't think twice about seeking the help you mentioned.

My grandfather passed in a different manner, but I spent a long time living with the pain of fear and guilt, as I was not beside him when it happened, I could not help him, and he deserved to be comforted but was not... and as unreasonable as it is, since there is absolutely nothing you could have done, you still feel it hard and real.

A dozen years later, now I mostly feel a sadness when I think about it. You will likely not be able to burn away the bad images, but they will be hidden most of the time by the good ones, in time. But it IS going to take time, and perhaps more than you think, to allow your body and mind to deal with this blow. Seeking help to get you through this is reasonable and a great step forward.