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    JoeCanada76's Avatar
    JoeCanada76 Posts: 6,669, Reputation: 1707
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    #1

    Mar 15, 2009, 09:52 PM
    Family issues.
    I know I give lots of advice... I try to take my own advice. I would like to try to share a brief description of the situation and would love for you all to give me your thoughts, opinions and advice on it...

    Okay I have a uncle who was living with my family for a long time. Even before my wife and I got together my uncle was there. Since being with my uncle, I have felt like I was doing everything for him. Thinking I was helping him out. Things needed to change because I have a little boy and we needed a lot more room. My uncle did not want to do anything on his own. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping , etc... Were all done by... Guess who, plus taking care of my own family.

    He finally had to leave, and he went on about how he had so much on his shoulders for finding a place. Mean while I am thinking what about everything on my shoulders. I have my own concerns about work, health and my wife's seizures and everything else. Yet he does not realize he has not had to do anything. He took the easiest way out, and his mother offered him a room. This uncle is a little over 20 years older then I am.

    It seems that I am the most independent person in my whole family. Even when I am taking care of everything. The one time I speak up about it or share my feelings about something I did not like. All of a sudden I am treated like the black sheep of the family.

    So this uncle moved an hour away. I dropped off a few things for him. I told him how I was in the hospital. How I was losing my job, and there are so many appointments , etc... going on that I am swamped. I need to take care of things. He had a bunch of boxes that did not go to storage like he wanted. He pointed to the boxes, in other words telling me I have to take them back to where the storage is which is near me. I said today is not a good day. He said today is a perfect day. I was so pissed off. My grandmother was there and younger uncle so I took it anyway. I wrote a respectful letter saying that it felt like he was demanding things to be done for him and his boxes were the bottom of my priorities. He will not even transfer his doctor or pharmacist or anything else. I said it only makes sense because I am not going to be going back and forth all the time. I also said that it was not a good time for that stuff and I would have taken it another time. How if I said anything in person he would flip out and that I am not going to walk around on egg shells anymore and that I am going to say exactly what I am thinking no matter how he takes it. He is always taking things that wrong way and he will misunderstand everything I say or do.

    I got a letter back, in it he called me a coward, told me I was a liar and I should be ashamed of myself and that it is a crock of s--t, I am a f---ing liar and that it is too bad I lost a uncle over this. That he can not believe I pulled this stunt with him. Wow that is the very short version. I tried returning a letter to him telling him I forgive him for cursing and swearing and calling me names. It was returned to me. Unknown person or person moved. Oh he also said that why is it when something is done for me things are okay but when things are asked of me I him and haw about it. Meanwhile I have been taking care of everything for him for years.

    My priorities are with my family and keeping them healthy and happy and taking care of everything I have to and honestly this was not a good time for all this stuff. I knew he was going to over react, He took it way to the extreme and now have the family does not want anything to do with me.

    At the same time I know for a fact, it is good that he is gone now, it is good that I am not around all that negative energy, and I at least can say that I have no anger, hate, or anything else in this situation. Now all I can think about is family reunions or other get togethers, what is it going to be like. Now that I am banished from his life...

    I am trying not to let it get to me, because there is more important things for me to be focusing on but there is no way of getting it through to him now that he is not understanding of my situation at all and thinks that I should no questions asked do everything for him still.

    I think there is jealousy here as well. I have a wife and child. He has himself and his mom now... When its family it is seems harder to let go. At the same time I am changing for the better. I need to just focus on my little family and can't get sucked in to that drama. So I know it is better off the way it is. Especially if he can not deal with anything. I am better off not to be around any of it.


    Would like your thoughts.

    Thank you in advance...
    nikosmom's Avatar
    nikosmom Posts: 1,611, Reputation: 488
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    #2

    Mar 15, 2009, 10:15 PM
    How long ago did all this go down? It will definitely take some time to begin to repair the damage as it's obvious that he's resentful that you asked him to leave.

    I had a similar situation with my mother over the past year and in a nutshell our relationship was strained from years of being at odds (heck, we didn't even talk) and it took its toll on me. My whole family blamed me for the strain and like you, I felt like the black sheep. It was really hard because I wanted my son to have a relationship with my family.

    All that being said, in the end I had to put my family first (which only consists of me and my son). You have a spouse and child that are to be your first priority. Oftentimes the elders of our family are used to calling the shots but the power shifts once we have families of our own. They get VERY uncomfortable with the shift in power but you have to what is best for your family.

    You did the right thing, it's high time that he be living on his own. If you choose to help him occasionally that's one thing, but it's too much of a burden for you to take on your family, him, as well as worrying about what everyone else has to say. At the end of the day, they don't have to look your wife in the face or worry about your bills, etc. Through all the nonsense, you have to try to keep yourself lifted for the sake of your spouse and child.

    Your responsibility and focus should be your wife and child and you don't owe anyone an apology for that.
    Clough's Avatar
    Clough Posts: 26,677, Reputation: 1649
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    #3

    Mar 15, 2009, 10:17 PM

    Hi, Joe!

    Okay, what's the main thing that you might be worried about in all of this, please?

    Thanks!
    JoeCanada76's Avatar
    JoeCanada76 Posts: 6,669, Reputation: 1707
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    #4

    Mar 15, 2009, 10:52 PM

    All I know was there were many many situations that led up to this. At the same time I know that he is an adult and he needs to take care of himself, but he does not want to even try.

    The thing is instead of other family realizing that it has nothing to do with them. They got involved and took sides.

    As far as when did it happen. A few weeks ago. '

    All I know is that my focus needs to be taking care of my little family. That it is good that he is gone.

    Thank you for your post nikosmom.
    JoeCanada76's Avatar
    JoeCanada76 Posts: 6,669, Reputation: 1707
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    #5

    Mar 15, 2009, 10:57 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Clough View Post
    Hi, Joe!

    Okay, what's the main thing that you might be worried about in all of this, please?

    Thanks!
    Well I guess I need to realize that most of my family is messed up and they are going to think and believe what they want to believe.

    I am worried about get togethers, funerals, weddings etc... I am being banished by most my original family...

    Guess I know it is best that way but I just do not want there to be any problems down the road.

    How to deal with people like that? Did I do the right thing? Is it best just to say good ridden, and let the chips fall where they may no matter what?

    I know Clough I am all over the place... The first post response was great. Guess you needed more?
    Clough's Avatar
    Clough Posts: 26,677, Reputation: 1649
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    #6

    Mar 15, 2009, 11:01 PM

    nikosmom and I posted about the same time and I didn't see her post before I posted. Am working on another response now. Need to read what has been posted.

    Thanks!
    Clough's Avatar
    Clough Posts: 26,677, Reputation: 1649
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    #7

    Mar 15, 2009, 11:10 PM
    Him moving and the bad feelings are relatively fresh. Surely, there are those in your family who aren't going to hold grudges forever? I had a brother with whom I tried for many years to get along with. The problems between us were severe.

    Well, anyway, I tried. But, after trying for so long, I just decided it was time to "hang it all up" and move on. Do I still love him? Yes. But, not everyone can get along with everybody else.

    My suggestion would be to give this thing some time and always keep your channels of communication with your family open. If my brother ever wanted to truly get along with me and be friends, I would welcome him with open arms.

    I have a lot of close relatives to me around where I live. It almost seems like the only times that we see each other is a weddings and funerals, etc.

    Thanks!
    JoeCanada76's Avatar
    JoeCanada76 Posts: 6,669, Reputation: 1707
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    #8

    Mar 15, 2009, 11:17 PM

    See I try all the time, but the one time that I truly say exactly what is on my mind and what I did not agree with.. That's it.

    MY ONLY TRUE FAMILY NOW IS MY WIFE AND SON, nothing wrong with that though. It is better that way.

    Just wished that family was not so hateful, negative and angry.

    I do not want that for my family so I guess I should be thankful.

    I have always been open but it was there decision to shut me out. (blessing in disguise)

    Take care and Thank you Clough.
    Clough's Avatar
    Clough Posts: 26,677, Reputation: 1649
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    #9

    Mar 15, 2009, 11:28 PM

    Are there other relatives with whom you've been really close? I grew up in a very dysfunctional family.

    I'm going to call in some others to your thread here. You do seem to be really hurting!

    Thanks!
    JoeCanada76's Avatar
    JoeCanada76 Posts: 6,669, Reputation: 1707
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    #10

    Mar 16, 2009, 02:39 AM

    There are so many people out there hurting from family problems right now. Is there any way we can all have a discussion or more. So when people come here with similar problems. They will be able to check out other threads and answers more easily? I bring mine out in the open. There have been so many posts about this with other people as well.
    Clough's Avatar
    Clough Posts: 26,677, Reputation: 1649
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    #11

    Mar 16, 2009, 02:43 AM

    Do you mean some sort of central gathering thread for people with family problems that are like yours or mine?

    Thanks!
    nikosmom's Avatar
    nikosmom Posts: 1,611, Reputation: 488
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    #12

    Mar 16, 2009, 04:36 AM
    I took the time to read this because I could relate. As I said, my situation was similar. My mom wasn't living with me, but our relationship was all messed up (putting it mildly). We had a falling-out about a year and a half ago and now we're trying to fix it. It was hard because other members in the family took sides and made the situation worse. It bothered me most because my son didn't have a relationship with the rest of the family.

    After making efforts that were not returned, I had to just accept that my priority was my son's wellbeing and that I didn't want him around the madness. I had to fight through my tears and continue to take care of him and hope that eventually she'd come around. It took a while as I said but at least we're making a little progress.

    Things still aren't "normal" but it's a process. I stand by my decision to withdraw from the family during this time. They all had chosen her side and determined I was "wrong for treating my mother that way". Throughout all this, I knew I had to put my little family first, which I'm still confident was the right decision.

    Things will get better eventually.
    HistorianChick's Avatar
    HistorianChick Posts: 2,556, Reputation: 825
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    #13

    Mar 16, 2009, 05:42 AM

    My priorities are with my family and keeping them healthy and happy and taking care of everything I have to and honestly this was not a good time for all this stuff.
    As much as it hurts, this, right here, is what you need to focus on. Your priorities are your wife and son. That's it. They need you more than anyone else at this time. You may think it is selfish, but it is survival. Hold on to your wife and son, harder than you've ever done before. They will help you survive... and will be the ones that help you become stronger through it all.

    I think there is jealousy here as well. I have a wife and child. He has himself and his mom now... When its family it is seems harder to let go. At the same time I am changing for the better. I need to just focus on my little family and can't get sucked in to that drama. So I know it is better off the way it is. Especially if he can not deal with anything. I am better off not to be around any of it.
    You're right. As a religious person, I know that it is very hard to turn the other cheek and forgive those that have wronged you - because man, you just want them to treat you with the same kindness that you've given - at least that much!! But, right now, you need to focus on what you CAN change - and that is your own little family. They are your priorities.

    Focus on their lives, what makes them happy, how you can grow as a unit, what helps you become stronger - those are the things that need your attention right now, not your conniving, out-to-mooch-off-the-world uncle.

    C'est la vie. Let it be.

    Wrap your arms around your son, kiss your wife, and knit your hearts together to face this obstacle... because that is when you are the strongest.

    What's that verse in Ecclesiastes? A tri-fold cord cannot be broken.

    You're in my prayers.
    J_9's Avatar
    J_9 Posts: 40,298, Reputation: 5646
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    #14

    Mar 16, 2009, 06:08 AM
    Joe, I'm going to reply without reading all of the other answers because you and I have a little "history" okay?

    Give it some time. Focus on your family right now. Lily needs you and so does Joshua.

    These are fresh "wounds" with your family and in time they will heal. You have done the right thing as Lily really needs you to focus on her with her health problems and all. This Uncle is a grown man and does not need a babysitter, he's going to have to learn this the hard way. Let him sponge off the other family members for a while and, in time, they will come to the same realization that you have. He is codependent and you don't need this in your life with all that is going on with your job, yours and Lily's health, etc.

    Don't borrow trouble worrying about reunions, weddings, and funerals right now, wait until that time comes to make decisions as to how you will handle that.

    Just take care and be well.

    J
    ordinaryguy's Avatar
    ordinaryguy Posts: 1,790, Reputation: 596
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    #15

    Mar 16, 2009, 07:01 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Jesushelper76 View Post
    The thing is instead of other family realizing that it has nothing to do with them. They got involved and took sides.
    How many, and which, members of your extended family are you talking about here? Is the grumpy uncle your mother's brother, or your father's?

    It seems to me that since he lived with you for a long time, your relationship to him personally and specifically is a of a different kind than with the rest of your family. Without a doubt, he has been codependent, and you have been his enabler, so putting a definitive end to that arrangement is a very good thing for both of you, and you should be proud of yourself for doing that. No guilt required, or as the I Ching might say, "It furthers one to cross the great water. No blame."

    As far as the effect of this change on other family members, I agree with Janine. A few weeks or months of dealing with him on a daily basis will do more to help them understand why you did it than anything you could say at this point. Time is on your side, and until the reality starts to dawn on them, the less you say about it, the better. If and when you do have contact with any of them, speak of other things.

    And I also second this motion:
    Quote Originally Posted by J_9
    Don't borrow trouble worrying about reunions, weddings, and funerals right now, wait until that time comes to make decisions as to how you will handle that.
    Or, as Jesus said, "Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof".
    JoeCanada76's Avatar
    JoeCanada76 Posts: 6,669, Reputation: 1707
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    #16

    Mar 16, 2009, 08:33 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by ordinaryguy View Post
    Without a doubt, he has been codependent, and you have been his enabler.
    Yes, I agree with that statement. I finally made the decision to end it because it was effecting my family unit.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,317, Reputation: 5972
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    #17

    Mar 16, 2009, 03:17 PM

    Dear Joe,

    I think J9 said it best, soon the other family members will realize that he is just a mooch, a user, then they will see the light.

    We had a friend that lived with us for 1 1/2 years. He had lost his job, decided that he was going to start his own business making tables. He lives above a friends garage, doesn't have a work space so he asked if he could use our garage (my work space) to make his tables. We agreed and before we knew it, he had moved in.

    He ate our food, drank our beer, washed his clothes with out water, detergent etc. Used our shampoo, toothpaste and all of our supplies (wood, sandpaper, tools, glue, nails etc.) All in all he cost us around $10,000 extra to keep him for that 1 1/2 years, the sad thing, he hardly did anything. He slept until 2 pm, would wake up and start drinking, then at around 7pm he'd do a bit of work and then complain when I told him he had to stop at 8 because the kids were going to bed and the tools were too loud.

    Soon, he decided that the way we did things wasn't okay with him. He wanted the kids raised differently, the garage set up differently, he complained that we didn't have the tools he needed (we should buy them) and he wanted his clothes washed, ironed and folded for him. That's when I lost it, told him I wasn't anyone's maid or kept women, they are my kids and I'll raise them the way I and my husband decided, etc. etc. I kicked him to the curb and told him to get a life.

    Because of that he was forced to go get a job, get himself back on track. For the first year he wouldn't talk to us, but now it's okay, better actually because he knows we're not going to put up with that ever again.

    Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind, kicking your Uncle out is hopefully the best thing you could do for him.

    I'm certain the people he's mooching off now will soon tire of it and kick him out. Sooner or later he will have to be responsible for his own well being, then they'll understand.

    Big hug Joe. :)
    Stringer's Avatar
    Stringer Posts: 3,733, Reputation: 770
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    #18

    Mar 18, 2009, 08:50 AM

    Following up on what Alty said JH...

    I truly believe that what you did was the right thing to do. Anything else, even continuing to be his 'crutch' would not have been good for you, your family or him. You would have been an enabler and that doesn't help anyone change for the better...

    Stringer
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 39,354, Reputation: 5431
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    #19

    Mar 18, 2009, 09:22 AM

    "You can choose your friends but you can't choose your family." That saying has kept me sane over the years as I have had to deal with dysfunctions in my own family as well as in my husband's family. The other thought I keep in mind is from Genesis, "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined (cleave) to his wife, and they shall become one flesh."

    Yes, we should respect our relatives, but our spouse and children come first. You've certainly shown respect, little cyber nephew Joe, and it sounds like you have always been there for your uncle. It's too bad for him and for the whole family that something didn't happen years ago to push him into independence.

    My uncle, who was manic-depressive, was somewhat like that. Even when he took his meds, he still had a hard time functioning on his own. He had stopped taking his meds and was in pretty bad shape when I got married. What I remember most about that day was relatives worriedly asking each other and me, "How's Wally?" Fun wedding day.

    You did the right thing, Joe. You and your own little family come first. If you need any help with a CV, let me know. I'm always here for you.
    jrebel7's Avatar
    jrebel7 Posts: 1,255, Reputation: 251
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    #20

    Mar 18, 2009, 06:44 PM
    Hey Joe, I realize I probably cannot contribute more than those have above... some really great words of wisdom there. I can say that I am so sorry you are having to go through this. Also, please realize that when a person has not had any intent to harm, yet is accused, it hurts ever so much more than if we are angry and hurt someone verbally or physically on purpose. You had no intent to hurt your uncle but to provide in a better way for your immediate family.

    People who are co-dependent will almost always find someone who will listen to their plight, their woes, and do for them. You have been an enabler to the uncle, however, you met many needs in his life and in your heart, you were doing what was right and you need to keep it in your mind, that you are now also doing what is right. There is a saying, "A lie goes half way around the world before the truth gets it's boots on!" I know it sounds silly maybe to say this on such a serious note to your heart but there is much truth to this. Time is a great healer. The uncle will have the family wrapped around his stories and plight for a time but nothing is forever. Hurt is not forever. As you continue to give love and support to your wife and child, the less you will think about the uncle and possible future happenings. People will listen to the uncle for a time. They will tire of hearing his plight and those who are now meeting his needs will tire of doing that. This is when you will begin to see the family gaining insight into what you have gone through. There will be no need to even tell them, because they will have lived it.

    One of the hardest lessons I have learned pertaining to helping people is this, "Just because I can do it, does not mean it is mine to do." We must use good judgment. Do what we feel led to do. Do not allow ourselves to be guilted into action but to choose action.

    It hurts so much for anyone to turn on us but so much more at times, it seems, when it is family. We are brought up to believe that family is everything and that family will know our intent was good but family members are human and can be mislead. That is when we have to take a deep breath, ask the Lord to give us strength of the day for making good and right decisions with every step.

    Your emotional healing will begin when you realize that your uncle's and other family members acceptance and approval are not paramount to your happiness nor for your peace in your heart.

    Your plate is full, yet you gave and gave and gave. I feel as though maybe you are just depleted of emotional and physical energy. This is your time to step back, let your emotions heal, let your body gain strength. Know that we love you, your wife and child love and adore you. You love the Lord and HE loves you and wants blessings and not upheaval in your life.

    If I sound as if any of this is easy, I know it is not from difficult experiences in my life but I do know it is truth. Love yourself Joe. Open your eyes and heart to others, realizing this life is but a vapor - only for a brief time. Too short to allow others to dictate to us how we should feel or what our actions should be. We choose. We win. We are blessed. In that process we bless others! Best to you!

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