[cubbieblue]

As sole hosts of the rehearsal dinner I would like my husband (of the past 10 years), Stepdad of the groom, to do the initial toast and is that okay? Please read on for my concerns and a couple more ?'s. I really appreciate any help. We are hosting a non fancy mid priced dinner & cocktails for 45 guests in mid April.
My son called his Dad who unconditionally refused to help financially in any way. He said he can't or won't pay any portion and not because he plans to use his money to do something else for them. My son was deeply hurt and angry. Our financial situation & lifestyle is more modest and much more restrictive than my Ex's.
My son and his Stepdad love each other & have a great strong bond & friendship. My son also has a strong bond with and of course loves his dad, is embarrassed for him & worries that his Dad will be embarrassed & his pride will be hurt the night of the dinner if he contributes nothing.
As the host, I am concerned that my Ex will take over, assume the role of host & before my husband has a chance he will offer the first toast. If this happens what can I do and any ideas on anything I can do to avert it from happening?
I feel so strongly about this because I had told my son that I didn't see how we could possibly afford to pay for the dinner and he was resigned to that. But, when I reported the conversation to my husband he immediately stepped up, called our son and told him not to worry that we would be happy to do it and we would take care of everything. I honestly didn't see how we could possibly afford it. But, within 24 hours of making the promise to our son, my husband (he's close to 60 yrs old) advertised in small publications, for, in addition to his more than fulltime work physical labor jobs on nights and weekends to make this happen. He did it and without complaint or mention how hard he's worked and how much he has done. He doesn't even know I want him to give the first toast but I know he would be very touched and it's because of his love & hard work that we are having a rehearsal dinner.
Just 2 other short things and another question for you. 4 Days ago, because he's worried about his Dad's possible embarrassment and/or pride & about how much we are spending Groom asked how we would feel about him calling and asking his Dad to contribute anything. At first I said yes but talked to my husband who said absolutely not because Groom's dad hurt him the first time and obviously had an immediately but has offered nothing. [U]Do you think this is the right response to groom that we don't want him to ask again? [/U]BTW Okay, I admit I have concerns that if our son makes an emotional plea again that my ex will contribute $25 and claim he's the host. I believe we sacrificed not because of the burden imposed but rather for the privilege of being hosts to our wonderful son and his beautiful bride to be.
I lived with the wrong guy for 26 year but I've had it right for the last 10!
I'm fairly certain my Ex didn't refused to help out because of any lingering animosity towards me... it's really always the way he has been about doing the right thing, taking responsibility and stepping up... someone else will do it. I haven't seen him in over 10 years and will be cordial and friendly when I see him as I think he will be to me... while he never mentions his lack of contribution and acts as though he's the biggest part of it all (okay, that was catty!).
I'm sorry for dragging this out but it seemed to just spew from me to my keyboard. Thanks so much for taking the time. Please help! It's the first time I have ever been here and it feels wonderful just to know there's support. Even if you think I am wrong headed I want to hear that too! I'm open!
Sincerely,
Cubbieblue

[jjwoodhull]

Ok - you and your husband ARE the hosts of the rehearsal dinner. Your ex husband is not the host - he is the father of the groom and (lucky for him) a guest at the dinner. If the party were in your home, would you even consider that your ex should give the first toast?? A restaurant does not change the ettiquite.

That said, once you and/or your husband have given the first toast I think you should offer your ex the opportunity to speak as well. Do this to 1. Be the bigger person and 2. Make things as easy/comfortable for your son as possible.

As for asking Dad for money again - NO, NO, NO! Your husband has generously and lovingly offered to host your son's celebration. Your ex has already hurt your son by being cheap. It will humiliate both husband and son to revisit this idea.

As for how to keep Ex from doing first toast - say "We are happy to hear that you will be joining us for the celebration. We will be giving a toast before dinner to welcome our guests. Please let me know if you would like to say something after that."

I hope my response helps you.

[cubbieblue]

Thanks so much. Whew, what a voice of reason! I had my husband come in to read it so he now knows he will be offering the first toast, says thanks & gives you 2 thumbs up also. We will of course give him an opportunity to speak next and like to think we would have thought of it ourselves but your suggestion will make sure it happens.
You have done your good deed for the day and believe one will come back your way when you need it most.
Sincerely, Cubbieblue

[dontknownuthin]

Jj's advice is great. And know, this is a big deal because you have so much emotion tied up in this whole saga, but in the general scheme of things, it really isn't important. I know it feels important but what's important is that your husband is there for your son and his new wife, and that will be a lasting and meaningful thing, toast or not. Your husband is giving a gift, and it's not conditional on everyone knowing it came from him - don't spoil his gift by changing the terms so that you can honor him! It gets convoluted pretty quickly.

As your husband to do a toast and if he decides to do it, it will be for him to decide what he wants to say and how to say it. Your ex-husband is just a guest at this deal and like the crazy aunt nobody likes, we invite these people and just have to accept they'll do something insane. That's life, and it ends, and people laugh about it later.

I can hear you saying, "I know but, the thing is...." Just let it go... your son is getting married!! Don't let that beautiful thing get ruined by something so silly as who toasts first.

[cubbieblue]

Nope, I'm not going to say, "I know but..." because I agree with JJ and agree with you too. I got the help I sought in attempting to avert a possibly unpleasant situation and know that things can't be scripted by me. I am totally over it and am focused on honoring the groom and his wonderful bride to be. Thanks for taking the time and I appreciate and value your comments.

[Picassa]

I hope your rehearsal dinner went well! We were in a similar position not too long ago, but it was my stepson's mother who refused to contribute to the rehearsal dinner. Wishing to take the high road, we listed her and her husband on the dinner invitations so as to not create a distraction or source of controversy blurring the true focus of the event - the very happy couple.

When all is said and done, no one attending will remember who toasted first, second or last, only the heartfelt, sincere sentiments or funny stories they shared about the couple getting married. It's really just about them, not about who's paying the bill for everyone's drinks and dinner.

How lucky you are to have a husband who was willing to make some sacrifices financially to support the event. It sounds like you are both satisfied with this solution, so all can now rest assured and move on in a positive light.

We know that despite our best hopes, there was no use in hoping my Stepson's mom would change just because her son was getting married. It was unrealistic of us to think this could happen.

[cubbieblue]

It was truly wonderful. From the rehearsal dinner through the wedding all was fabulous. My husband did the first toast and Bio Dad did the second. Our son was very happy with the whole thing. Thanks for your inquiry and you are absolutely right... It is all about the bride and groom.

[jjwoodhull]

I'm glad everyone enjoyed themselves. Congratulations to the happy couple!