[mommy of 2]

Hello everyone I am looking for some help. My daughter is a very advanced 5 yr old and we get along GREAT. But for the past 3 months she has told me 4 times that she doesn't like me. And to make it worse it is when we are having a good day she hasn't even been yelled at. She just started school 2 weeks ago I am not sure if it is something that kids go through. I am just looking to talk to someone. I could understand if she was telling me this when we are arguing but it is not. We had a great day at the park and then come back home and she tells me she doesn't want to hurt my feeling but she doesn't like me. When I ask her why she says it is because I yell at her and put her in timeout when she does something wrong. Any help PLEASE! I just wondering what to do or how to handle it. Should I let her see my cry about it?

[valinors_sorrow]

Wow, you should affirm to her that its understandable that she feels that way and let it go at that. She is a child. You are an adult. Children don't like discipline, vegetables, going to bed, etc but they need them. Don't you remember not liking it too and you probably "displaced" it onto your parents as well. I know I did. If you make a big deal out of this, or worse yet, alter anything because of it -- you'll raise a master manipulator who will be unhappy for the rest of her manipulating days. How can I possibly know this without having kids of my own? I am a former advanced child and master manipulator myself.

Do your child a BIG favor here -- be her parent, not her friend. At least not until she is a lot older, and I mean a lot older.

[mommy of 2]

You are right and I understand all of that. I know she is a child but when you ask her if she really knows what I don't like you means she knows. Please don't get me wrong my children are my life both of them. My husband tells me I have spoil them. I stay at home and we play all the time she has a bed time that she follows she eats just fine. She has everything that you can imagine both my kids do and maybe that is the problem. My husband is gone A lot. He works as a fireman so he is gone every 3rd day for 24hrs. And then we farm so he leaves at 6:00am and most of the time he doesn't get home until 11:00pm. Sometimes I wonder if that is why she is saying this to me when I am the one who puts her in timeout not him. I take my kids to see their dad everyday either out at the farm or at the fire station. But I am the one who lays down the law and I just wonder if that is why she is acting out and telling me she doesn't like me. Yes she is a child and trust me when she tells me that I act like an adult and just tell her I am sorry that she doesn't like me but I still love her very much and always will. She just came out here and told me that her stomach hurt because she feels sorry for me. I kissed her and said it will be OK and put her back to bed. But I want her to know she can't keep saying this to me either.

[valinors_sorrow]

You may disagree with me all you like but it is wrong to make your children your life, very damaging to children because it allows parents to cross boundaries they shouldn't-- its called codependency and it presents an unrealistic picture of the world to the child. It is also wrong to see that they have everything, it spoils them and prolongs and fosters self centeredness. YOU need some adult interaction daily so you'll quit trying to get that through your kids. And your kids need to develop an emerging independence from you-- so they do age appropriate things BY THEMSELVES, like playing.

I would urge you to get a hold of parenting books, (I can recommend a few by John Bradshaw) talk to other parents regularly or even seek counseling for yourself. The fact that your daughter is feeling a physical symptom over what is essentially your emotional state is clue enough there are already boundary issues. Kids should be free to say they don't like something or someone all they want and if your ego isn't up to that, its not her problem, its yours. The fastest way to damage a child is to require him/her to feel something other than what he/she feels. You should be guiding what they do, and let the feelings be what they are.

[Fr_Chuck]

Children are children and we are their parents not their best friend,

Kids will love you, hate you, like you and dislike you often in the same hour.

You can ask her why, but in general, most likely it is a tool she is learning to use to help control you and get you to do what she wants you to do.
Kids learn fast to use guilt or fear to get what they want, and then learn to use one parent against the other.

[mommy of 2]

You may disagree with me all you like but it is wrong to make your children your life, very damaging to children because it allows parents to cross boundaries they shouldn't-- its called codependency and it presents an unrealistic picture of the world to the child. It is also wrong to see that they have everything, it spoils them and prolongs and fosters self centeredness. YOU need some adult interaction daily so you'll quit trying to get that through your kids. And your kids need to develop an emerging independence from you-- so they do age appropriate things BY THEMSELVES, like playing.

I would urge you to get a hold of parenting books, (I can recommend a few by John Bradshaw) talk to other parents regularly or even seek counseling for yourself. The fact that your daughter is feeling a physical symptom over what is essentially your emotional state is clue enough there are already boundary issues. Kids should be free to say they don't like something or someone all they want and if your ego isn't up to that, its not her problem, its yours. The fastest way to damage a child is to require it to feel something other than what it feels.

I do feel my kids are my world I love them both. As for them being spoiled yes they have a lot but they also have jobs around the house to do for money to buy most of their stuff. That way they learn too. As for adult contact I have 5 friends who stay at home too we get together 3 times a week with our kids so they can play and we talk and do girls things. My kids have independence and time away from me besides the 3 days of getting together. 1 day a week we take turns having the kids at each others house for crafts and time away for mommy. So my kids get away and I get adult time too. I just wanted to know if any one had advise on this. She has NEVER acted like this. You can say all you want that I should be a parent and not a best friend. Trust me we are both.

Children are children and we are their parents not their best friend,

Kids will love you, hate you, like you and dislike you often in the same hour.

You can ask her why, but in general, most likely it is a tool she is learning to use to help control you and get you to do what she wants you to do.
Kids learn fast to use guilt or fear to get what they want, and then learn to use one parent against the other.

I feel you could be right she is learning and I just keep telling her that I love her and go on. I did cry but I just keep letting her know that I will love her even if she is mad at me and it will pass soon and things will be better.

[mommy of 2]

Thank you so much

[valinors_sorrow]

Maybe it would be better if you heard from people who had kids. I am apparently not a very credible source on this topic for you. Good luck.

[mommy of 2]

That is why I came to this sight. Any input is great. People with kids or without.

[aqua@home]

I think you have to remember who we are talking about. This is a five year old girl. I think you are mature enough to realize that this is not the end of the world. Children sometimes say things just to be mean or because they don't understand what they are saying and how it affects people. I realize that you have talked to her, but remember she is five. If this hurts your feelings now, you are in trouble later. Val is right, do your children a favor and don't be their friend, be their mother. I know it is not easy to be the bad guy, but somebody has to be or they will be running the show. Just say to your daughter that what she said is not acceptable and is not allowed in the house. You don't say it to her or your friends, that is not an acceptable or respectful thing to say to anyone. Teach by example. You can also tell her that it is all right not to like someone, you don't like it when she says that but you still love her. Then leave it alone. Don't let this burden you, you are the parent.

You say that your children have jobs to earn money, what about jobs just because they are a member of the house and the family. I think kids are rewarded far too much and there is way too much emphasis put on "things". Everyone in our home has to pitch in, that's what being part of the family is about. You won't get rewarded with money always, but you will get food and a bed.

From the sounds of it, if you do not start to be a stronger parent, your children will end up running the show. Your husband has said as much, so do your family a favor and shift the way you do things. Little children are easy, it's when they get bigger you can have problems. Stop them before they start.

BTW... I have 5 children between the ages of 1 and 11 years.

[cajalat]

I'm a parent of three (9, 7, 3). Kids are incredibly candid in their emotions. Their emotions are completely unadulterated, genuine, and definitely non-vindictive. Kids will tell you what they're feeling that instant in time. It is a way for them to express their very short term emotion/feelings. Thank god children aren't plagued with adult-style emotions so you shouldn't take them as such. When a child says "hate" it isn't the same thing as an adult saying "hate". You can read it as "not like" or "disagree". There is no malice behind it. The best thing you can do is not to over analyse it... just don't make a big deal of it and do brush it off. They really don't mean anything personal by it. Or if you must, teach your child other words they can use to express displeasure, disagreement, how to express preference for other things, etc. Use this opportunity to expand their vocabulary.

I have always walked my daughter to school all the way up to her classroom. One day while I was walking her to her first grade class (start of first grade) she asks me in front of her teacher why I always walk her to class. I turned around and answered her back with another question (silly me): "Why? Do I embarrass you?". With a straight face she said Yes right in front of her teacher. To this day it makes me smile to remember that incident. The point is, your child at 5 years old telling you she "hates" you is something one day you wish she would do again for the same thing and in the same way because it doesn't get more innocent that this. So for now just enjoy this innocence. You can't get it back... believe me.

[J_9]

Goodness, I am a Mommy of 4 and I understand your plight... However, you cry about it?

I do agree with everything you have been told so far. You are the parent, she is the child. You are not to be her friend, you are to be her parent.

That said, this is a phase all children go through. It is developmental in nature. The next thing she will say is "I'm not your friend anymore."

I have gone through this with all 4 of my kids. It is perfectly normal. Don't cry for goodness sake. When she says she hates you, just look back and tell her "That's okay if you hate me right now, but I still love you."

She may be advanced, but she is still 5!! She is learning autonomy and part of learning autonomy is learning how feelings work. She is trying them out on you. She does not understand that statement hurts. Really she doesn't. You may disagree with me, but she does not fully understand the ramifications of that statement.

Lighten up a bit, let her learn. But first and foremost you MUST be a parent not a friend. I have just become a friend to my 20 year old and 18 year old. I am a parent to my 12 year old, although we are working friendship in, but my 4 year old is strictly my son, not yet my friend.

Remember again, she is 5, not 25.

[talaniman]

The next time she says she hates you tell her So? You still better do as your told or you will be in time out. Parents have to define boundaries and give discipline as well as love, be firm and consistent. Never let them think they can hurt you with words and never cry when the utter their feelings. Now that they are grown we have a good relationship but it was not always that way. They have to grow and mature before you can be friends with them.

[valinors_sorrow]

Sometimes the problem isn't so much that the parent doesn't see the child as a child, but rather the parent isn't the adult in that moment. I think that is more what is happening in this post. The problem isn't really the child, it's the reaction the adult can't seem to help having and this may be why...

There is a marvelous book out called "Growing Up Again" by Clarke and Dawson. It speaks of a phenomena where parents revisit parts of their own childhood as they raise their children, which is all fine and good if they come from functional, healthy families but not so for those of us that didn't. It details the various stages children go through, how each particular stage needs various support and how they will revisit their own childhood emotionally along with the child, and best yet what to do about that. It basically a how-to book that allows people from dysfunctional pasts to parent better than their parents did and break the cycle of poor parenting.

[s_cianci]

Well, she needs to understand that when she does wrong there are consequences. She sounds mature enough to understand that if she doesn't want to be yelled at and put in timeout then she shouldn't do what she knows to be wrong. No parent is going to be popular when they're disciplining a child. And no, don't let her see you cry over it. You don't want to give her that kind of power, knowing that she can upset you with just a few words. Just let her know that if she doesn't do what she's not supposed to then there'll be no yelling, timeout or other consequences. Just be fair to her and make sure she clearly understands what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior from the start and be willing to clarify it for her if necessary.

[kp2171]

Oh man.

Just wait until she's a teen, giving you the ICY STARE OF DEATH, telling you on xmas day that she hates spending time with you, and really, you're just an all around bad parent who is overprotective and doesn't listen.

Yeah. Its coming.

And it passes. And then, like now, you are a parent and you make the rules. Shell push them, and not like you much at times. OK.

Yes. Its hurts a little to hear it. But she's just expressing her dislike for the discipline, and she's learning the language and how to communicate. Be glad she recognizes feelings like that and talks to you about them.

You'll need thicker skin down the line. It can get way uglier than this.

Then they go off to college and miss you like mad. Somewhere around 20 they begin to wonder that MAYBE you're not a complete moron with a napoleon complex.

Hold on to the good stuff. Her not liking you from time to time will happen and IS perfectly normal.

[angela965]

You should just continue your parenting techniques. She is a child and doesn't understand that you punishing her ultimately helps her in the end. If you are worried about how she feels towards you then you are only hurting her future self.

[jessebearz]

Hi there, does she see her father? What is there relashionship like? And how do you get along with her father? The reason I ask this is because when I was about 4-5 I remember my dad telling me (on viset days) that if I didn't tell my mum that I hated her then he would never come and see me again, maybe just quizz her a little more about it. Try not to be sad about it. I did that to my mum but deep down I know I loved her, and if she wasn't around I would hate to think of were I would be now! Also it shows that you're a really good mum because you are on here looking for some answers, don't give up she does love you!