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brokenmom1 · Mar 6, 2009, 11:09 AM

I had a son in 1996 and by 1997 I became homeless and gave him temporarily to his biological father.
When I was back on my feet I went back for him to find out that he had moved with our son to the states.
11 years have passed and My Ex raised our son with his new wife. They are now divorced and have shared parenting of my son that is 12. I found the father about a month ago and have had meetings with him.
My son is well aware that I am around and he is anxious to meet me but the woman who has raised him for 11 years is making this impossible by telling the child she thinks he shouldn't meet me.
The biological father is on my side and wants us to build a relationship but the woman is so negative and against it that it is not going to happen until she feels it is the right time and she thinks 18 is the right time.
Everyday the child asks to see me and is shot down.

What do I do? What are my rights if I have any?:(:(:(:(

N0help4u · Mar 6, 2009, 11:15 AM

Often a court will say that you have been out of his life for this long and they could rule either way depending on what they feel is the best interest of the child. In the meantime keep assuring your son (even if it has to be through the dad|) that you do love him and want to be with him. His father will have work out how to deal with her.
She should realize that since you both want to meet and she is the obstacle, that one day it could backfire on her and he could end up resenting her for all the lost years.

ANB428 · Mar 6, 2009, 11:38 AM

Did you ever sign your rights to the father's ex wife?

brokenmom1 · Mar 6, 2009, 04:22 PM

Originally Posted by N0help4u

Often a court will say that you have been out of his life for this long and they could rule either way depending on what they feel is the best interest of the child. In the meantime keep assuring your son (even if it has to be through the dad|) that you do love him and want to be with him. His father will have work out how to deal with her.
She should realize that since you both want to meet and she is the obstacle, that one day it could backfire on her and he could end up resenting her for all the lost years.

I met with the fathe rand the mother last night and that point was made about him resenting her and she answered back with "No one day when he is older he will thank me for making the right decision for him"

brokenmom1 · Mar 6, 2009, 04:23 PM

Originally Posted by ANB428

Did you ever sign your rights to the father's ex wife?

No I did not sign him over at anytime.

ScottGem · Mar 6, 2009, 06:49 PM

You are the child's mother. If you go to court for visitation rights, you will likely get them. The only thing that might stand in your way is the length of time without contact. But, if I understand you correctly. That is due mostly to the father moving without notifying you and it took you this long to find him. If you can prove that you did try to find them during that time I think you will have no problems getting visitation,

Fr_Chuck · Mar 6, 2009, 07:31 PM

For him and the "ex" to have a shared parenting plan, she had to adopt the child.

If this was done illegally, you may be able to object to the adoption itself, which could take any of the "ex" right away.

Beyond that if the father wants you to be part of the life of the child, he just can, the ex really can't stop him from lettng you meet her if he wants to, when the child is with him.

brokenmom1 · Mar 7, 2009, 11:30 AM

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

For him and the "ex" to have a shared parenting plan, she had to adopt the child.

If this was done illegally, you may be able to object to the adoption itself, which could take any of the "ex" right away.

Beyond that if the father wants you to be part of the life of the child, he just can, the ex really can't stop him from lettng you meet her if he wants to, when the child is with him.

Thank you for your advice and I wish it was just that easy but for some reason my X seems to think that it isn't up to just him and I am not quite sure why.

Do you know for a fact that my X can make that decision with out her?

When my X told her that he would be meeting with me and the child and the child's older half brother and that he didn't have to tell her she threatened that if he did in fact bring the child to meet me as soon as she found out she would get an injunction...

excon · Mar 7, 2009, 11:51 AM

Hello mom:

You are either the child's MOTHER, or you are NOT. THAT is the key.

IF the new wife adopted your son, then SHE'S the MOTHER and YOU are NOT.

If she didn't adopt him, then she's NOT his mother, and has NO rights at all - NONE - ZERO - NADA - NO RIGHTS AT ALL.

Plus, it doesn't matter what your ex thinks. It matters what the LAW is. If you can't convince your ex that the law IS, what the law is, then you're going to need a lawyer to help convince him.

excon

Illusion · Mar 7, 2009, 02:06 PM

I think you have gotten some good ideas here from everyone. You are right to be concerned about this situation. I do not agree with this idea that your son should see you when he turns 18 - if in fact your ex-husband and his wife made this decision then I worry that they are disregarding the wishes of your son. Not only that but a child has a right to see his parents; you will forever be someone important in his life. I am afraid that either your ex-husband and/or his wife are angry about your absence in your son's life and now want to punish you by not letting you see him. They are not punishing you however (even though it hurts), they are withholding the child from the right to see his Mother - and this cannot be good.

There is good news, like it was mentioned here from other members - the Court and the law is on your side. You will need to action - not for you - but on behalf of your son - so that he can regain the right to see you. It will be well worth it for you to re-establish a friendship and connection to your son. But be aware that your ex-husband and his wife may try to discourage and scare you off - stay calm and take your plea to the Court. They may just feel threaten that they will lose control over your son - but again - it is about them and what feels right for them - rather than how your child feels, what he wants and his right to have a relationship with his Mother.

You have been through some painful times including the separation from your son, it is a shame that they cannot be more understanding - if not for you, then at least to be understanding towards your son and his wishes. You need a chance to explain to your son what happened and that he know personally from you how much you have missed him and how much you love him. Take care my dear, and I wish you the best.

ScottGem · Mar 7, 2009, 02:48 PM

Originally Posted by brokenmom1

Thank you for your advice and I wish it was just that easy but for some reason my X seems to think that it isnt up to just him and I am not quite sure why.

Do you know for a fact that my X can make that decision with out her?

When my X told her that he would be meeting with me and the child and the childs older half brother and that he didnt have to tell her she threatened that if he did infact bring the child to meet me as soon as she found out she would get an injunction....

I think there is some info here that you either aren't telling us or may not be aware of. That's what excon is saying and what you need to tell us before we can make statements of fact.

So you need to answer some of the questions we have asked.
1) How long a time elapsed between when you turned him over to the father and when you felt you were ready to be part of his life again.
2) When you turned him over to the father was there any court action taken or did you just leve your son with him?
3) Where (what country) did this happen in?
4) What were you doing to find them after you started looking? How long did that take?
5) Do you know if the stepmother adopted him or not?
6) do you have any proof you are the legal and biological mother

If the stepmom is not the legal mother and she tries to get an injunction to stop you from seeing him, she will likely fail. But if she is the legal mother, then you have grounds to overturn the adoption if you never relinquished your rights.

Frankly, what I would do is get a lawyer and file in Family Court for visitation rights. An attorney can check to see who is the legal mother and what rights you have.

brokenmom1 · Mar 7, 2009, 03:36 PM

Originally Posted by Illusion

I think you have gotten some good ideas here from everyone. You are right to be concerned about this situation. I do not agree with this idea that your son should see you when he turns 18 - if in fact your ex-husband and his wife made this decision then I worry that they are disregarding the wishes of your son. Not only that but a child has a right to see his parents; you will forever be someone important in his life. I am afraid that either your ex-husband and/or his wife are angry about your absence in your son's life and now want to punish you by not letting you see him. They are not punishing you however (even though it hurts), they are withholding the child from the right to see his Mother - and this cannot be good.

There is good news, like it was mentioned here from other members - the Court and the law is on your side. You will need to action - not for you - but on behalf of your son - so that he can regain the right to see you. It will be well worth it for you to re-establish a friendship and connection to your son. But be aware that your ex-husband and his wife may try to discourage and scare you off - stay calm and take your plea to the Court. They may just feel threaten that they will lose control over your son - but again - it is about them and what feels right for them - rather than how your child feels, what he wants and his right to have a relationship with his Mother.

You have been thru some painful times including the separation from your son, it is a shame that they cannot be more understanding - if not for you, then at least to be understanding towards your son and his wishes. You need a chance to explain to your son what happened and that he know personally from you how much you have missed him and how much you love him. Take care my dear, and I wish you the best.

OK thank you for responding I really appreciate everyone's input positive or negative.

Let me first say though as I don't think it was clear...

My sons father and his new wife ARE supporting this and doing everything in their power to get my son and I together . It is his EX wife who raised my son as her own that is against this

I will be meeting with my X and his new wife in about an hour and I will get the full story on how if in fact she did adopt my son with out my consent and what all the custody order says.

He has been great through all of this and only wants to give my son what he wants... it is her that is making it impossible,
She told him and I Thursday night that if she found out that he has let me see the child she will put an injunction into the court wich will tie his visitation up for how ever long it will take.

brokenmom1 · Mar 7, 2009, 03:51 PM

Originally Posted by ScottGem

I think there is some info here that you either aren't telling us or may not be aware of. That's what excon is saying and what you need to tell us before we can make statements of fact.

So you need to answer some of the questions we have asked.
1) How long a time elapsed between when you turned him over to the father and when you felt you were ready to be part of his life again.
2) When you turned him over to the father ws there any court action taken or did you just leve your son with him?
3) Where (what country) did this happen in?
4) What were you doing to find them after you started looking? How long did that take?
5) Do you know if the stepmother adopted him or not?
6) do you have any proof you are the legal and biological mother

If the stepmom is not the legal mother and she tries to get an injunction to stop you from seeing him, she will likely fail. But if she is the legal mother, then you have grounds to overturn the adoption if you never relinquished your rights.

Frankly, what I would do is get a lawyer and file in Family Court for visitation rights. An attorney can check to see who is the legal mother and what rights you have.

Understood not meaning to leave anything out just didn't want to write the novel...
1/ It was about 2 months when I went back for him
2/No to my knowledge there was no court action I went to his house as the child was there and I told the father to keep him till I got back on my feet... He had just picked him up the night before I became homeless.
3/ In Canada
4/ I went to where he was living... I called everyone I knew that knew him and called all his family members... Got no where
He up and moved to the states . About 5 years later I hired a detective who found them and by then I didn't want to disrupt the life he knew as he was 6. So I kept my distance and just found information on my own.. I called quite a few times and was hung up on unpleasantly to say the least,

Recently I found a link to my X and emailed him... Not to say I am here to get my child back as that would not have been fair to the child but to ask for some pictures and some updates.
I met with the Father and he told me that my son was aware of me and his older half brother as he was told by a counsellor to tell him.. wich he did in 2005. He then told me he had no intention on telling my son that he knew where I was.
I was ready to deal with that and wait until the child was old enough that I could sit him down and talk to him so that he could make his own decision about me.

10 days went by and I received an email telling me that My ex told him and now my son wanted to meet us.

I was beside myself because one I thought he was not going to mention anything and two I have been waiting for so long for this.

So we set it up to meet today...
Well the woman who has taken care of him wanted to meet me last Thursday to make sure I was a responsible person and a good human being.
We met she turned around and said she was undecided whether she was going to let me see the child.
So she told the child that he could not meet me.

And told the child's father that she would get an injunction if she found out he brought the child to me.

5. I don't know if she adopted him or not but I do know that I would NEVER have agreed to that or signed him away to her. Will find that out tonight as I am meeting with the Father.

6/ I am not sure what document I would have to have to prove he was mine. Any thoughts on that? His identification is all under my exes last name.

Hope this helps you see my problem better.

Thanks again for your replies.

ScottGem · Mar 7, 2009, 04:23 PM

The last two responses were very helpful.

The first I would do is get a copy of his birth certificate. Also make sure you have a copy of the detective's report. Start keeping a journal of all contacts with the father, your son and his ex. Include any previous correspondence you have. Inlcude a summary smilar to what you have posted here.

The next thing is to find out if his ex adopted your son. If they say yes, then ask for a copy of the adoption transcript. If they refuse to give you one, you will need to find out what court approved it and go there to get a transcript.

Illusion · Mar 7, 2009, 05:49 PM

Excellent questions by Scott to clarify the situation.

The person who is taking care of the child could have either a legal guardianship or adoption of the child. Either one could be done without a parent's consent - that is not necessary if the Court is involved.

With a legal guardianship, the caregiver has the same rights as the parents, and thus does have the legal right to object and/or ask the Court to intervene on behalf of the child so that a no contact order is made. If the child is 13 years old or older, the Court can consider the child's wishes.

If the child was adopted then it is the complete right of the adoptive parent on who the child will see (unless a stipulation was made during the adoption proceedings under which the adoptive parent agrees that the child will continue to have contact with the birth family) since in the eyes of the law they are now the parents.

ScottGem · Mar 7, 2009, 06:37 PM

Originally Posted by Illusion

The person who is taking care of the child could have either a legal guardianship or adoption of the child. Either one could be done without a parent's consent - that is not necessary if the Court is involved.

While I don't disagree with this, the fly in the ointment is still that the birth mother's agreement was not obtained. If a good faith effort was not made to get the mother's approval for an adiption or guardianship, then it could be overturned. Even if its not overturned, I believe the birth mother will be awarded visitation. While the father's ex may get a temporary injunction, once the facts are heard in court I believe the injunction will be lifted.

Illusion · Mar 8, 2009, 08:39 PM

Just for information - the reason that the Court can award a legal guardianship and/or adoption without the parent's consent is that the Court first obtains "care, custody and control" from the parent - this is how the Court takes custody of a child in child abuse cases. The custody of the child is then with the Court - it happens every day in Courts across the nation. Very specific laws protect children in the U.S. and this includes making decisions on their behalf. Take care.

ScottGem · Mar 9, 2009, 06:52 AM

Originally Posted by Illusion

Just for information - the reason that the Court can award a legal guardianship and/or adoption without the parent's consent is that the Court first obtains "care, custody and control" from the parent - this is how the Court takes custody of a child in child abuse cases. The custody of the child is then with the Court - it happens every day in Courts across the nation. Very specific laws protect children in the U.S. and this includes making decisions on their behalf. Take care.

As far as I'm aware, a court does NOT automatically take care, custody and control from the parent. In most cases where this is necessary the court will usually appoint a GAL to oversee the child's interests. But laws generally require that a parents permission be obtained for an adoption to take place.

brokenmom1 · Mar 9, 2009, 10:07 AM

Originally Posted by ScottGem

As far as I'm aware, a court does NOT automatically take care, custody and control from the parent. In most cases where this is necessary the court will usually appoint a GAL to oversee the child's interests. But laws generally require that a parents permission be obtained for an adoption to take place.

Well the meeting went quite well with the Father,,
The woman that has custody of the child has NOT adopted him. When I raised the question to my Ex as to how he fought for custody and lost when the child is bilogically his and not hers I did not receive an answer that was satisfying.
He claims that at the time of the custody hearing it was never brought to the courts attention that she was not his biological mother and so the court awarded her custody, he claims that had he mentioned to the court that the child was not hers biologically he would have probably gotten custody of the son and not the daughter... but because he did not want the children separated he left it alone.
He has asked me to put into the courts a motion for a meeting.
So thank you to all that have tried to answer my questions I really appreciate it! :D

ScottGem · Mar 9, 2009, 10:40 AM

I'm glad to hear it. I think he's right about splitting up the two kids.

But if she isn't the legal mom, then she won't be able to get an injunction for very long. She might get a temp injunction but as soon as you go into the hearing show the birth certificate and state you are the legal mother, the injunction will be dropped.