[Survivor07]

I am in a relationship at the present time that is going very well. We are both divorced and have children from our prior marriages. This spring will be a year for us; however, we've taken things very slow. He has his own home and I have mine. We are not talking about living together or marriage, but we are both on the same page about how we feel toward one another and each wants the other in their future. Neither of us feels we need to rush into anything. We're just enjoying getting to know each other and having fun.

My problem at the moment is I am still friends with a man I dated two years ago, and I know this bothers my boyfriend who I will call "J". The man I'm friends with lives in my neighborhood, and my boyfriend lives almost an hour away. They have met each other early on in our relationship because, as I said, "M" is my neighbor. I talked about M & my relationship & why we stopped dating and that we still talk. J just listened to my story.

I know it bothers J because when he met him and I explained who M was, J was very quiet afterward.

One night about a month after they met, M called my house pretty late at night and J called him a Jack*** under his breath.

I explained that M was going through some personal problems and wanted my advice. Again, silence.

Recently J and I returned to my house after work (we work in the same building). M was outside fixing some damage that had been done to my fence during a windstorm. I had no idea M was going to be there, nor had I asked him to fix the fence.

When M saw us, he said hello and that he just wanted to surprise me. I thanked him, told him I would take care of it. J said nothing and went in the house. I explained to J I didn't know why M was doing that, nor did I ask him to. Again, silence, then he changed the subject.

J and I had plans that evening and we went about them without any awkwardness.

So, my questions: Is it okay to be friends with an ex when you are in a new relationship? Is it normal to be good friends with an ex? As for J's silence, I know you'll all answer that I need to ask him. Thanks in advance for any advice

[serenitylynn]

You could talk to J and ask him what bothers him about you talking with M. It's possible that he feels threatened by M. If that's the case I would stop talking with M so much until J feels confident enough in your relationship to accept the fact that you have a friendship with your ex.

[UnluckyDucky]

Communication is key to any lasting relationship. Talk to J about M and mention ask him if this relationship bothers him and see what kind of compromise can be reached.

Honestly, I don't see any problem with being just friends with an ex as long as you can guarantee that's all it will ever stay as - but, you have to work this out with your current partner as this is obviously causing tension in your relationship.

[talaniman]

After a year, maybe this is the glitch that makes you both talk, and compromise on the actions to take, as he obviously, whether right or wrong, resents this fellow being so close, when he is not. This may also be a red flag into his personality, or behavior.

If he cannot be reassured about this situation, you will have to decide how far you go in handling this situation. Hopefully, you talk, and work things out.

[artlady]

There are so many variables here that would change my answer.
Why did you decide to break it off and why can you be friends and not a couple?

Clearly ,there was a connection at one time and I will just assume you were intimate and that's a little hard to take ego wise for a guy.

For me,if I was your BF it would all depend on why you broke up.

If it was too soon or something,now time has passed so perhaps he is thinking *shes had her time ,maybe now they will hook up*.

I wouldn't like it if I was the BF.He(M) has a history with you,he lives closer to you and he is friendly with you.I would have some issue with it.

[Survivor07]

Thank you Serenitylynn and I agree with you. J's ex-wife had an affair which finally ended their marriage . So, yes, it's very possible he feels there could be a potential for that to happen with M and me. I believe J trusts me. He doesn't act controlling or jealous. Almost like he's trying to act like M doesn't affect him at all.

I know I do not have to pay for the mistakes J's wife made, so I guess I'm looking for red flags of jealousy or mistrust. (J calls me a lot when we're not together.)

I also agree with what you said about not talking to M so much. With the nicer weather around the corner we will inevitably run into each other outside. Our kids play together in the neighborhood, too, which makes it pretty impossible to NEVER talk to him again.

I do think, though, that if J is even slightly bothered by the friendship, that I need to tell M to step back and not be so "close". He certainly doesn't need to be on my property when I'm not home fixing things for me. It was nice. He's done things like this in the past. It's just that now I am in a relationship, and I do not want to mess up this good thing I have with J.

I should mention that M doesn't care for J. Especially after the fence thing. M said J should have "come out and helped him" which I said was ridiculous because J and I had plans to go out, not fix the fence!

I guess I answered my own question. I just wanted some insight from others.

[Survivor07]

Artlady: I made a HUGE no-no: M was separated (for two years) when I met him and we started dating, we were together for nine months when he decided to "date" his wife, which ended four months later when M returned to ME and I told him we could never be anything other than friends. I learned my lesson there, believe me. Long story. He is still not divorced and, somehow, we remained friends.

I agree with you. I guess it's crazy to expect J to think it's just fine and dandy that M is a block away and feeling free to come onto my property.

And, Tal, thank you. You told me what I already know. I need to talk to J. Just worried that the more I make of it, the more J will worry.

[Survivor07]

Okay. I talked to J and it went more than okay. I told him honesty and communication are number one, and I will be honest and open and I expect the same from him.

I just point blank said that I know M being around bothers you, and I don't want it to, so talk to me about it.

J said he trusts me and believes me. He just doesn't trust M's intentions and that's why he doesn't like the situation. The conversation ended in good humor with J saying "hey, at least I don't have to fix the fence now!"

NOW, I have decided I need to tell M that we can't be so buddy-buddy.

M and I have a lot of common ground besides being neighbors. His daughter has Cystic Fibrosis and my daughter has Juvenile Diabetes. We both moved into the same neighborhood after splitting with our spouses at around the same time. Our daughters get along and enjoy being together, but his is older, so this summer may be different.

M comes to me for advice on how to handle things with his wife. They live apart from each other but neither is pushing for a divorce after almost four years. I think he is hopelessly in love with her, he denies it. That is one of the reasons I would never want to be with him, even if he ever did get a divorce.

I do enjoy M's company. He's interesting and funny and we seem to "get" each other when it comes to dealing with the feelings we have about our daughters' special needs.

I am not in love with M. I feel as though I do love him, in a friendly way. THAT"S THE PROBLEM. I will most likely hurt him by telling him that his friendship may jeopardize my relationship with J.

A friend of mine who knows the situation well, advises me to tell M to get a life and leave me alone! She agrees with J, about M having other intentions.

Any opinions are welcome

[artlady]

J said he trusts me and believes me. He just doesn't trust M's intentions and that's why he doesn't like the situation. The conversation ended in good humor with J saying "hey, at least I don't have to fix the fence now!"

The point is his intentions will be put off by you. J needs to trust your ability to defend your own honor.

Nice to see a good resolution and laughter to make it all right!

[talaniman]

Had to spread the rep Artlady, but its an absolute must that J trust his female to handle her business in an honorable way. He probably will over time.

Patience is as important as communications.

[Survivor07]

So, the subject of M came up yesterday. (Another windstorm). I said to J something to the effect of I will tell M that I'll take care of any other repairs, etc.

Again, silence.

I said, "I should have asked him to leave, or you and I both could have gone out and talked to him."

J's reply "It's none of my business" then changed the subject to something trivial.

I said, "Wait. Please don't say that things that affect my life are none of your business."

J said, "Ok". Silence.

It hurt to hear "It's none of my business". This is a glitch.

What is really going on here? Yes, I know, I need to ask J. Your insight helps, though.

[talaniman]

Translation- I never want to see the guy again!

Action- Drop it for a while, until something comes up

Explanation- No need to push, or hurry into explanations to complicate, or fuel, any confusion or arguments, and don't take it to heart, for the time being.

Bring some fun back, as I bet he brings it back up, in the near future. There is no hurry to resolve this overnight, so don't make this bigger than what it is, to the jealous baby.

[Survivor07]

I get it. Hurt people, hurt people.

Jealous baby LOL

Seriously, I DON'T want him to be jealous. There's nothing there.

I suspected that may be it.

I'm expecting too much from a guy to admit his feelings about jealousy, I guess. But at least that way, I could have reassured him, or at least tried. I guess it's his issue.

To think that he has the attitude of things in my life being none of his business... I just didn't like that comment, I made it known I didn't like it. Subject dropped. I get it. Thank you!

[talaniman]

Sometimes it takes a while for people to get over themselves, so just wait. The emotional dust will settle in its own time.

[Ren6]

I wouldn't bring the subject up for a while- let it rest a bit.

At first, when I was reading your account, I thought "There's nothing wrong with being friends!" Then, I read further.

To be honest, I would have that same twinge of jealousy/anger if I were J and came home with you to find your "ex" mending a fence on your property. It sort of implies that M is the man of the house, your house. I would feel that I was considered either inept, or insignificant. It would definitely feel insulting.

I know first hand the feeling of being at a lover's house and being subjected to late night phone calls by their ex- that sort of thing says that the ex is still a major player. It sort of leaves you with that "What am I?" feeling.

To make things more complicated, M is within handy distance of your place, while J is an hour away. My guess is that J is suspect of M's intentions, considering the attention M showers you with... but he's probably also wondering where he (J) is in your heart, too.

I hope you two get things figured out... take care!

[Survivor07]

Thank you Ren6 for your comments. It has really made me think.

I'm sad that J would feel any of those things. He's certainly not inept or insignificant.

There's nothing I can do/say about him feeling insulted.

If J had a jealous/anger twinge that night, he really didn't show it.

Because of J's past with his ex-wife cheating, I am sensitive to that. That's why I felt it was important for him to know about M in the beginning. Maybe I was wrong?

M says he doesn't have "intentions"; just lonely and bored.

In the best interest of my relationship with J, I did tell M not to call or be on my property, that we would see each other around and talk then. He seems hurt, but says he understands; said he'll miss me but doesn't want to interfere in my happiness.

I do see J almost every day. He seems to be acting normal, being attentive and thoughtful as usual. All good signs.

J should already know where he stands with me, or that he's "in my heart".

I'm taking all this advice and letting it rest. Like Tal said, time will tell.

Thank you, all !

[winding200]

Survivor07,
If I am you, I will delete J from my friend list. You know it clearly bothers your dedicated boy frined. M seems very nice guy, who loves you and tries to care take of you, your house.

Why would you make M insecure? It is not rewarding. I have never believed in pure relationship between man and woman (sorry). Is the friendship with J really worth for giving pain to your current boy friend? If you have marriage in your mind, you better stop having J as a friend. Your future-husband will be the best friend and soulmate for you for entire life. Who else do you need and why??

[Survivor07]

Hi Winding200,

I'm surprised you found this post of mine because it's two months old and, well, rather boring compared to the real problems people have.

But I guess since you took the time...

I agree that most exes cannot be friends but M is my neighbor and our kids are friends, so I can't really delete him.

J, my boyfriend, is still in the picture and I was worried that his reactions to M were red flags that he was jealous, controlling, etc. but time has proved me wrong.

However, J was right. M did have other plans as far as I was concerned. M finally got a divorce and wanted to date me. I declined and told him to respect my relationship with J. We still see each other from time to time when our daughters are playing and we have polite chatting. That's it.

I don't have marriage on my mind and neither does J, my boyfriend. We're both divorced and happy, just taking it slow and really getting to know each other and each other's children.

So, thank you for your comments.

[candy224]

I wonder what you are getting out of being "friends" with ex-boyfriend? Is it worth upsetting (maybe losing) current boyfriend? I would not do it myself unless I still hoped for relationship with the ex... best to cut all ties.