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    Justwantfair's Avatar
    Justwantfair Posts: 3,422, Reputation: 944
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    #1

    Mar 4, 2009, 11:34 AM
    Finding the middle ground: step-parenting.
    I have been with my boyfriend for almost five years now.

    I have a twelve yo son and a seven yo daughter from a previous relationship.

    My question is to parents in relationships with step-parents and step-parents.

    My boyfriend is very firm with my son, he would never lay a hand on him but for example my son has just been grounded for the last 9 weeks for a very poor progress report that turned into a poor report card. I know that I am more lenient with my son then he is.

    Last night only three days off his grounding, he brought home a bad behavior report from the school for playing with a toy at his desk. My question is how do find the common ground because I was upset at my boyfriend for being ready to ground him again back to his room.

    I know part of it is he doesn't have any children and has a less compassionate perception and that we have made great progress with my son's behavior but as a mom I get angry and very defensive about my son.

    Advice?
    ChihuahuaMomma's Avatar
    ChihuahuaMomma Posts: 7,378, Reputation: 608
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    #2

    Mar 4, 2009, 11:37 AM

    I think you have given him too much authority as far as this parenting thing goes. He's your boyfriend, not the child's father. I think you should be the one in charge of punishments, not him.
    Justwantfair's Avatar
    Justwantfair Posts: 3,422, Reputation: 944
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    #3

    Mar 4, 2009, 11:42 AM

    Decisions about punishments are made together and I agreed with him being grounded until he got his grades back on track. I don't agree with grounding him for a bad behavior day, and it was in discussing what the punishment would be that we were on opposing sides.

    If we live together and I expect my children to respect him, then I can not be the sole disciplinarian in the home. All decisions/punishments are decided by the both of us and laid out for the children.
    frangipanis's Avatar
    frangipanis Posts: 1,027, Reputation: 75
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    #4

    Mar 5, 2009, 03:58 AM

    Hi there, I can't speak from experience, but would agree you need to work together on how your children are raised if you live together or are working towards a more permanent family arrangement. It's how I would want it to be, so understand how you would want it that way.

    If your boyfriend has known your children since they were 7 and 2 years old, he must have quite a bit insight as to what makes them tick and they possibly already accept him as something of an authority figure. Is that right? It's at least clear he already has a say in how they're disciplined.

    Has he explained why he wants to be so firm in disciplining your son? What do you think are his thoughts behind his actions when he decides on a punishment?
    firmbeliever's Avatar
    firmbeliever Posts: 2,919, Reputation: 463
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    #5

    Mar 5, 2009, 04:07 AM
    If your boyfriend is going to be a permanent part of your children's lives I think it is best for all parenting decisions to be made together as you do now.

    I can understand what you mean by feeling defensive about your kids.

    I think the best thing would be to find a common ground where you two agree on certain punishments appropriate for the misbehavior.
    For example, he is already grounded, and he does something again, maybe miss a favorite TV show or something that would make him think twice and correct his own mistakes/faults/misbehavior.

    I agree with Cmomma that you must always let him know that they are your kids first and no punishment should be against your views.
    frangipanis's Avatar
    frangipanis Posts: 1,027, Reputation: 75
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    #6

    Mar 5, 2009, 04:33 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by firmbeliever View Post
    I can understand what you mean by feeling defensive about your kids.
    Me too. Even if you're raising your children with their natural father, a woman's instincts to protect her children can make her very defensive about how discipline is handled.
    Justwantfair's Avatar
    Justwantfair Posts: 3,422, Reputation: 944
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    #7

    Mar 5, 2009, 07:53 AM

    I think for the most part we work together on punishments well.

    He has a very authoritative parenting style, I think is somewhat clouded by the fact that when they are your children it doesn't always require being so firm. I think a contributor this year is the fact that he has a very strict teacher who doesn't understand ADHD. She will send home bad behavioral reports for fidgety behavior that I am familiar with being a symptom of his Attention Disorder.

    I just don't want to argue about punishments. It made me agree with him that he wanted to take such a firm ground when I know my son had worked hard to get back on tract. Overall I think the effect would have been showing my son that there isn't a reward to working so hard to get ungrounded, because we will be grounding you for every misstep.

    He is firm, I am easier because I make accommodations for his disorder. I don't know that is right either. He is twelve and disrespectful at times and I think that is what we are trying to correct the most, along with his grades.

    Don't get me wrong, up until the last two years he has not really stepped in on discipline. Some of this may be my role of giving up being the sole disciplinarian although I know his intention is to teach the children and I know that sometimes when I find it's cruel, it is primarily my defensive side. My son is difficult at times and has come along way in the last two years of staying on a better tract. I have him to thank for that, just wanted to know how others may have dealt with the arrangement of step parenting.
    frangipanis's Avatar
    frangipanis Posts: 1,027, Reputation: 75
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    #8

    Mar 5, 2009, 01:39 PM
    [QUOTE=Justwantfair;1585662]I think for the most part we work together on punishments well.

    That's a positive statement to make about you and your partner being able to work together most of the time. My partner and I tend to share of a lot of common core values, which helps. Mostly we try to enforce the attitude with our children that if they cooperate, we can enjoy getting on with life a lot more.


    He has a very authoritative parenting style, I think is somewhat clouded by the fact that when they are your children it doesn't always require being so firm.

    I agree. Your family and home has to be a soft place to fall sometimes. It isn't always about discipline as mostly you just want to be understood, encouraged and given a direction.

    I think a contributor this year is the fact that he has a very strict teacher who doesn't understand ADHD. She will send home bad behavioral reports for fidgety behavior that I am familiar with being a symptom of his Attention Disorder.

    Have you had a chance to talk with her about your concerns?



    I just don't want to argue about punishments. It made me agree with him that he wanted to take such a firm ground when I know my son had worked hard to get back on tract. Overall I think the effect would have been showing my son that there isn't a reward to working so hard to get ungrounded, because we will be grounding you for every misstep.

    What do you mean by having been grounded for nine weeks? That does seem a bit excessive for a punishment, but it depends what that involved.

    He is firm, I am easier because I make accommodations for his disorder. I don't know that is right either. He is twelve and disrespectful at times and I think that is what we are trying to correct the most, along with his grades.

    That's mine (our) major focus too. I especially want my 12 year old daughter to show more respect. My ex and I have recently been to coparenting counselling sessions and we've started to work together more on disciplining our daughter. Previously any attempts I had made to discipline her were being short circuited through her relationship with her father. We're just beginning to try to turn that around. My partner finds her difficult, but is trying to get through to her by continually trying to build a good relationship with her. He is good at picking her up on small things when he's here like asking her to listen to what we're saying and asking for her opinion... without nagging. Having four children of his own, he's had a lot of experience. He's especially good with his two boys, and gets along well with my son where they tend to appreciate his strong authoritarian but fun approach to things. He tends to find girls more difficult to understand :)

    Don't get me wrong, up until the last two years he has not really stepped in on discipline. Some of this may be my role of giving up being the sole disciplinarian although I know his intention is to teach the children and I know that sometimes when I find it's cruel, it is primarily my defensive side. My son is difficult at times and has come along way in the last two years of staying on a better tract. I have him to thank for that, just wanted to know how others may have dealt with the arrangement of step parenting.

    I know how it feels to just to want to share your responsibilities with your partner. It's sometimes hard doing it all on your own. In what specific ways do you think your partner can be too harsh with your children?

    I guess one thing to remember is that as with any parenting relationship, you're not going to agree on every disciplinary stance you take with your children. I once found myself wanting to rescue my partner's two boys when I saw how downtrodden they felt in their father's presence... when their father was working on a big renovation project he wanted their help with. He was so goal focussed, he forgot they were just kids. He's a great father though, and his boys do love and respect him (they have a lot of fun together), so it wasn't as if he caused any major damage. Still, I guess you could say we had a major difference in attitude towards parenting in that instance.


    I can appreciate you wanting to reward your son for all his efforts, rather than making him feel like a constant failure and to be better understood. It's a tricky balance. Maybe someone with more experience will have other suggestions to offer.
    Justwantfair's Avatar
    Justwantfair Posts: 3,422, Reputation: 944
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    #9

    Mar 5, 2009, 02:07 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by frangipanis View Post
    Have you had a chance to talk with her about your concerns?]
    His teacher is aware that he has ADHD. She is hard on ALL of the students this year. My son is in a gifted academic program and she is working to push them to be prepared for middle school. I have heard other parents complaining about her this year, but to keep the peace I am trying to teach my son that he will have difficult teacher's here and there and he will have to follow each new teacher's rules individually. A coworker actually suggested that my son should have been on an Educational Plan ever since he started school, but I wasn't aware of that and with three months to go and changing school districts next year I am not going to push for one.

    Quote Originally Posted by frangipanis View Post
    What do you mean by having been grounded for nine weeks? That does seem a bit excessive for a punishment, but it depends what that involved.
    My son was grounded from his progress report that was about half Missing/Late Assignments, and a "D" in a scholastic class until he brought the grades back up. When his report card came his grades had not improved. My son is very capable and it was a long time to be grounded, but he was ungrounded through his two week Christmas break and every other weekend and one night a week that he was not home. He did bring his grades up and this progress report was 3 As and 3 Bs. But he was grounded from progress report to the better progress report. About nine weeks.

    Quote Originally Posted by frangipanis View Post
    I know how it feels to just to want to share your responsibilities with your partner. It's sometimes hard doing it all on your own. In what specific ways do you think your partner can be too harsh with your children?

    I guess one thing to remember is that as with any parenting relationship, you're not going to agree on every disciplinary stance you take with your children. I once found myself wanting to rescue my partner's two boys when I saw how downtrodden they felt in their father's presence... when their father was working on a big renovation project he wanted their help with. He was so goal focussed, he forgot they were just kids. He's a great father though, and his boys do love and respect him (they have a lot of fun together), so it wasn't as if he caused any major damage. Still, I guess you could say we had a major difference in attitude towards parenting in that instance.
    I think that is what I have to work hardest at, knowing that we may disagree once in awhile, but knowing that we want what is best for the children. My partner is very firm and unrelenting when he has an opinion about something and I want to be able to work things out, not pull the "I overrule you" card.

    Thank you so much for taking the time to be so helpful. I think I have got to learn some patience when it comes to handling this with my partner. We will also have to talk about his patience as well. ;)

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