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stepmom609011 · Mar 1, 2009, 07:37 PM

I'm a stepmom of 11 years to two adult children. I'm writing a book for stepmoms in non-custodial situations, and want to include a chapter on dealing well with the custodial mom. Specifically I'm looking for a list of fears a custodial mom has, and what a stepmom can specifically do to help ease the mom's fears. I'm open to all ideas.:)

DoulaLC · Mar 2, 2009, 05:45 AM

Just a few ideas:

* Let the mother know that you will support her decisions in rules and expectations of the children... keep curfews, required chores, expectations of behavior, bedtimes, school work, etc..

* Be sure the mother is kept abreast of any health concerns when the child(ren) are in your care

* Keep a united front with the father and mother of the children as children will learn quickly if they can play you off each other.

* A stepmother should be willing to ask the mother for suggestions if concerns or questions come up in regard to the children's care

* Keep the mother up-to-date of any plans she may need to know about... trips away for example.

Of course, hopefully the relationship will be amicable, and the adults involved should try to make every effort for it to be that way. Sadly, there are plenty of families where this just isn't the case and all of the adults involved will fall into a pattern of behavior and interaction that is not conducive to helping the child(ren). They are more worried about how they appear, whether the children favor one over another, etc. than helping the children flourish and come to realize they have a large number of people who love and care about them.

Good luck with your book... it's a great idea!

stepmom609011 · Mar 2, 2009, 07:04 AM

Good suggestions! I'm open to and looking for more. In a lot of chatrooms for custodial moms, I read a lot of fear that their children will be taken from them by the dad and stepmom. Am I just reading some of the more extreme cases, or do you feel this is a common concern of custodial moms?

Christina0027 · Mar 3, 2009, 05:12 AM

Hi I think it's a very common fear. Fear that your children will like the step mom more, fear that they'll love you less, that they'll like their dads and step moms. In addition to all that not a lot of dads want to pay the child support, especially once they start a new family so I think that moms worry about dad taking the children. Especially as it seems he has the whole package home front with the new wife where as the mom is working full time and probably not in a relationship because of lack of time.

DoulaLC · Mar 3, 2009, 05:31 AM

I think some may fear that, perhaps more on an emotional level than on a physical level. Unless there was some sort of abuse or neglect occurring, it would be difficult for a father and stepmother to take a child away from the mother. However, some parents will play into that fear as a means to get back at the other parent.

As Christina0027 said, I think some mothers and fathers will have the fear of a step-parent being favored by a child. Again, the fear can sometimes be more of an emotional distancing and loss of connection than necessarily the physical separation... although that sometimes is the result as well if that connection and involvement gets lost.

stepmom609011 · Mar 3, 2009, 06:48 PM

So we confirm that emotional and/or physical loss of the child is a common fear among custodial moms. So the question becomes, is there anything practical a stepmom can do to help ease that fear?

DoulaLC · Mar 4, 2009, 04:12 AM

I'd say just keep the mother informed of anything that may concern her child while they are in your care. With young children in particular, little things may help... encouraging the child to make a card for their mother for her birthday for example. Reminding older children to share their concerns with their mother if they tend to come to you more often.
Work at building a good relationship with the custodial mother... seeing yourselves as partners in caring for the child(ren).
Avoid trying to outdo the other parent with gift buying, outings, etc..
Encourage and support a strong bond between the child and their mother.

Dalliesgrrl · Mar 10, 2009, 09:35 PM

I'd LOVE to get a copy of this book when it comes out. I'm a step mother and my stepdaughters bio mom is the custodial parent. To say we don't get along is the understatement of the year. I've bent over backwards time and time again to try and develop a working relationship with bio mom and all she wants to do is bad mouth me.. yet I assure you I bust my butt for those little girls!

*sigh*

stepmom609011 · Mar 11, 2009, 07:12 PM

Oh, Dalliesgirl, I understand. When my stepkids biomom could come up with no real criticism about my stepparenting, she screamed at her kids that I was "Too damn nice!" Is there a way to communicate more privately on this forum? I'm new and not sure how it works.

DoulaLC · Mar 12, 2009, 03:28 AM

A book like this one would most likely be read by the mothers who actually want to build a good relationship... and that is certainly a bonus.

Those who have no interest, are to fearful, or are just too angry... the ones who could use it most, are not likely to be the ones to seek it out.

Continue to do all that you can and stay on the high road. In time, the kids will figure out what's what and unfortunately their mother may not be viewed in quite the same way... sadly she doesn't see that now.

Stepmom... you can click on a person's name and you will see how you can send them private messages.

stepmom609011 · Mar 12, 2009, 05:50 AM

DoulaLC:

I certainly appreciate all of your input. And you're absolutely right in advising Dalliesgrrl to take the high road. There is no regret on that path.

The goal of my book is to help stepmothers focus on determining their role and place in their stepfamily, and how to do what's best for their family (self, husband, stepchildren) despite the sometimes negative actions and reactions of everyone involved in the stepfamily (including husband, kids, biomom, extended relatives, etc.).

The road a stepmom travels from being an outsider to becoming an insider can be very difficult. I can offer encouragement and hope.

The last bit of research I'm doing focuses on the dysfunctional relationship and communication patterns that are pervasive in divorced families and stepfamilies. A wife/stepmom can be a catalyst in helping to change those destructive patterns in her family.

I think I'm rambling now.. .

DoulaLC · Mar 12, 2009, 08:41 AM

Ahhh, that's right... my mistake. I knew it was for the stepmother, but went off in the direction of it being for the biological mother. However, that's another angle... maybe for your next book! Good luck with it... :)

Dalliesgrrl · Mar 12, 2009, 10:29 AM

The thing that's always kept me going in my adventures as a stepparent is that time will mend everything. In time, my stepdaughters will see the person their father really is, and they'll also see the person their mother really is. It may take many, many years, but it will happen.

That's how it did for me. I never disliked my stepmother and we got along OK, but my mom was my mom and there was no beating that. It wasn't until my adult years that I was able to see the torture my mother put my stepmother through, see the person my step mother is, and then also come to see the person my actual mother really is.

In the mean time, I do everything in my power to assure my stepdaughters are loved, cared for, and don't hear or see the nastiness of our situation. I can only hope their mother does the same...

Dalliesgrrl · Mar 12, 2009, 10:33 AM

Oh.. if you want some input from a Biomom who HATES the stepmom in her situation, I'd LOVE to give you the contact info for my husbands ex! :P jk I'm sure she'd love to tell you plently.. although I doubt any of it would be helpful.

I will add: The main catalyst of our situation is that I was the badguy from the start: My husband met me while he was still married. Although we didn't start dating and living together until after the divorce was long underway, the discovery of me alone made things even worse. Of course, my husbands ex wife assumed the worse and accused of being together long before we were, but there's no fighting the monster that's angered.

For that, I have never been able to make way. I'm always "The Mistress"; it's been nearly 3 years and 3 kids later.

DoulaLC · Mar 12, 2009, 10:44 AM

Actually it would be good to get input from both stepmothers and biomoms. As a stepmom, I make sure I follow the things I have stated before. As a biomom I want my children's stepmother to do the same.
I think it can obviously depend on the individual situation. Whether it is accurate or not, if the biomom feels the stepmom had a hand in the demise of the family unit, she is likely to be upset. The mature approach, however, would be to not allow that hurt and/or anger spill into how the children are dealt with, what they are told, or how the stepmother is portrayed.
Children will often figure things out as they get older and have a better understanding of what has been, and is being, said from all parties involved.

stepmom609011 · Mar 12, 2009, 12:31 PM

I'm still holding out hope that I'll get some more biomom feedback on this topic.

AlpineAnnie · Mar 18, 2009, 06:50 AM

I think that writing a book about step-mothers is an awesome idea but I hope it includes a chapter on being a custodial step-mother as well. When I got married, my husband had custody of his daughters so I became the custodial step-mother. I looked everywhere for help and found little or no information. I could now write a book myself.