[magnolia50]

Believe this it's the short version but doesn't appear that way: Adult son moved away and did not come and say goodbye to me. He has never done this to me ever. And he has moved away from here many times before. I would not lend him money this time! He is a son from my first marriage. No other family except me. We have had are ups and downs but lately very very low. He got divorced two years ago and moved here from Colorado, no where else to go. I have to mention that he is addicted to alcohol and I believe he is bipolar. He has been treated for it but will not take the medicine because he doesn't like how it feels. I live in a retirement community so a young man of 34 didn't quite find anything for himself. Its been the story of his life, jumps from one job to another , etc. He has had wonderful jobs but never sticks with anything more than six to seven months. I have gone to AA meetings, doctors, supported it financially for far too long. I told him no the other day for the first time. I believe that may be why he would not come see me before leaving this area. I am devastated, depressed, sad and feeling so alone. I feel that he threw me away like trash, tha the doesn't care. I feel used and abused for all the financial help I gave him. All he cared about the day he arrived in his new residence was I going to cancel his cell phone. I sit here and cry ever so often. My current husband is of no help, he just doesn't talk about it so I don't get upset. He has given up on him a long time ago because of the way he has treated me for years. He is not his biological son. I love this son so much but he has been so mean to me. I think about him and sit there and cry. Each day is better but I am lost what to do to help myself get through this. I have a 16 year old boy still at home, so I need to get my life back on track and not dwell in this right now. I said some mean things to this son and I meant them because I was so hurt and crushed at this recent behavior. Please give me advise. I should probably go to a counselor and get some medicine to function, I barely can make the bed for the last week. I will have to keep all of this from my husband he looks at mental illness as something that doesn't happen... no understanding at all. Someone else looking in might help me get perspective on my situation to what to do...
Magnolia in Florida

[letmetellu]

I have an idea about how you feel and it is very scary to have a child that has this many problems, and you have helped him so much but he seems not to appreciate it at all. You know you are not doing him any favors by being his crutch, you are just enabling him to do some of the things that he does because he knows you will be there to pick him up as you have done so many times in the past. Let him try to stand up on his own two feet and make a life for himself, there is no telling what he might be capable of doing if you were not in his way. Give it a try and don't back down, stand your ground and make him believe you are serious.

[Amythest]

Sorry about this.
Yea I would get help if you can.

[J_9]

First of all Magnolia, welcome to AMHD, I am sure you will get some wonderful advice here.

Let me start by saying that you did the right thing. I know it hurts, but you really did do the right thing.

By giving him money and bailing him out all these years you were enabling his alcoholism. By taking away the money, you took away the alcohol (hopefully). You did not only what was good for your pocketbook, but what is good for him, even if he does not see it that way.

He did not come say goodbye and is most likely angry, but that is part of the addiction. People who are addicted to any substance tend to take their anger and frustration out on the ones they love the most.

He is 34 years old it is time for him to stand on his own two feet, alone!! It is hard, yes. Can you do it? I hope so for the sake of your son.

I have been through this. My husband would depend on his parents to bail him out of every situation before we married. He would work a short time, then quit and Mom and Dad would have to pay the bills. How did they stop this? They took the silver spoon out of his mouth and made him fend for himself. Yes, he was mad, yes he was angry, but he is a much better person now and would tell you that he is thankful for what they did.

So, in ending. You did the right thing. Keep it up. Stop the enabling, you are only hurting him by doing it.

Good Luck, I will keep you in my thoughts.

[K_3]

I know you are feeling bad, but you have to see your helping him all of these years have not helped him, has it? He is playing the typical role of an addict and a person who is used to getting their way. He left town without saying goodby and well knowing it would hurt you. Thinking, she will regret not helping me, I will punish her for that. Probably thinking you will not do that again and will help him next time. You have to give him tuff love for him to get better. Enabling him is the worst thing you can do.

You have a 16 year old son that needs you and you don't want to loose him. Please get some help, you don't want to allow your son to ruin your relationship with your husband and 16 yr old. Good luck

[kp2171]

Your son sounds a lot like my wife's brother. Talented guy, great potential, just won't keep a job, addictions, and lots of bad choices. Nobody in the family understands it really. When a scenario is posed that offers options A, B, or C... this guy chooses R.

You did the right thing and your pain is real and understandable. If your husband doesn't understand extreme sadness, I'm sorry to hear he can't be more supportive.

Personally, id seek the help you need and tell your husband. So he's no help concerning mental issues. Well he's no help now. Keeping it a secret is just another burden you'll bear... but one you may choose to if you desire.

My wife's father was confounded. He couldn't understand how his daughter had such solid footing, and his son could be so unstable. It absolutely confused him and hurt.

All you can do is take care of yourself. His actions are selffish and you are doing the right things. You should bear no guilt for making this son face his life.

[magnolia50]

Thank you for all caring so much. I needed to hear that what I did was all right. I am going to check to see who I can see for help. I'm a long way from feeling good about anything. I just am going through the motions of life and I hate it. I hold it together most of the time with my husband and young son is around but its getting much more difficult. I hope I can keep going until I find someone to talk to.
Magnolia

[aqua@home]

Hi and welcome. I agree with the majority here in the fact that I think you have done the right thing. You have stopped enabling your son. I think you should get some counselling for yourself. No one will take care of you like you can. Don't feel guilty for your actions, kids have to grow up eventually. Hang in there and take care of yourself so you can take care of the family you still have at home. I hope you find what you need.

[Amythest]

I apologize for my short previous answer, I felt overwhelmed just reading it. I agree that what you feel is real, and that you should get help. I also feel that you did do the right thing, I don't completely understand your situation, and I wish I had both sides, because it makes for a better whole. I am sorry he hurt you. That really does suck. I will continue to keep you and your family in my thougths and prayers.

[magnolia50]

Greetings Amythest:

Thanks for the second response in regards to my posted question last night. I was really feeling very sad about my situation with my son. I did try to call several counselors today with no avail. I then called a good friend who knows of my situation with my oldest son. I forgot she went to a counselor when she got divorced, so I have a name. I wanted to go to a woman as I felt that it would be easier to open up to her.
I did as well felt overwhelmed last night but this is certainly far from the entire story for sure. Its difficult to summarize a lifetime in a paragraph so I just rambled to what came to mind last night. It probably didn't at all make much sense entirely as I was just hurting so badly.
To give you more info into the life of my son and I... divorced his alcoholic abusive father when he was 7. He threatened and pull the trigger on us one evening a .45 and we had no clue whether it was loaded either. That was the last time the man lived in the house. This is just one example of the physical and emotional abuse we endured. It took all the courage to walk away as I was uneducated and I did not have a family that I could turn to at all. We lived barely on nothing for quite awhile. We went from being comfortably well off to poverty. I did the best I could but I could have done better. My son at times thought like any young child that it was his fault. It was a complete nightmare. So, for years, I tried to compensate for the lack of a father with giving him what I could. I remarried and things got to be much better for him. My current husband treated him like his own son. It was good for a number of years. Then, my son went through a physical problem for about five years trying to find out something to do with his gastro/spleen enlargement. It was never found out and four years later, an emergency surgery was required where it was finally found that he had a rare growth that was closing off his intestines. When they couldn't find out what was wrong for those years they finally said it was all in his head. At this time, he missed school and the school would not take the absences excuses from the doctors as their was an attendance policy, even though he was passing with A's. From that point on, he spiraled into a nosedive with the wrong crowd of teenagers. I thought he would grow out of it but it just escalated to young adult problems with alcohol and drugs. He periodically would see his father but it was never anything meaningful. He has a sister that his father adored but looked at the son as preventing him from pursuing a career in law because he was born. I made up for that which I thought was the best thing for him. I now know that I was doing him no good but after 18 years of this, it was difficult saying no to him. I have been keeping this financial help from my current husband most of the time and that was not right either. I basically risked my marriage many times for this son. I was close at times to walking away from it for this son as this is how much of a hold he has on me. I love this boy so much, my first born those seem to be special even though I love my two other children as well. Neither of them are anything like him, and one of them is from the same father as the son. He was such a loving happy child who use to be so sensitive what happened to him. I am his only family, he has no contact with his sister. I have gone to meetings for alcohol with him. I have gone to doctors' appointments with him. I have tried so much to support whatever I could for him with no luck. He had always lived somewhere else when he stopped drinking. I really thought the support from me would make the difference but eventually it didn't matter either. Sometimes when he is drunk he'd call non-stop talking, crying, being mean whatever and I was at a lost to what to do next for him. I get off the phone just so upset and crying that my husband would intercede the calls for him to stop. This has pretty much been my life with him these last two years since he returned to Florida after his divorce. I gave him the time to get pass the divorce but that didn't help. I tried to invite him to the house for dinner, family outings but he was determined now that my husband hated him and he'd rather not come around. He would sit alone in his apartment alone night after night drinking. He had a few friends but all were the wrong kind of friends to keep him from drinking. He has three great jobs with benefits and still was not making it on $700.00 a week. Whenever he ran short to make whatever payment I would do it for him. Its not that I don't have the money its just that I'm tired of taking away from the money that is earned in this house for my family now. My husband has worked hard at this business we started a eight years ago and I have been deceiving him as well. So, I feel guilty for doing this to my husband.
My husband and young son have seen all the mean things he has said to me so they do treat him differently. I feel that I am in the middle trying to keep peace for everyone. I did say things to my oldest son that I shouldn't of said and I regret it. I should have never said I didn't ever want to see him again. I know that hurt him because he said don't say that. I was so distraught over him leaving that I was besides myself. He has moved so many times from one place to another that I became use to him leaving. In the beginning it was awful for me but after time went by, it became a relief for him to leave. Why this time he chose not to come to see me makes me believe what one of the comments stated that he was showing me what he was doing for not giving him money. I never had said no to him. He called me over and over again in the days prior to his leaving being nice, being mean... and then telling me all the money I sent him in Colorado was used for cocaine and they had a lot of fun on it. I think sometimes, he is jealous of the life I have right now and is mad at me for not having the same life as his younger brother. I spoke to him for a few minutes today, to send me his address so his mail can be forwarded to him. I was upset because my name is on his bank account and he overdrew his account by $500.00. I was upset that a notice was in my mail box and ashamed. It didn't seem to bother him. I had to be on his account because he has bad credit. He never called with the address tonight. I didn't bother to call so I wouldn't get upset tonight. Its when I'm alone thinking about it, that I go over and over as to why he could do that to me. I am his only family, how can he do this to me, am I playing the victim. He is always telling me that I do not understand what he goes through which is usually a few days always after a full moon when he gets into these depressed states. He knows this as he has mentioned it... does anyone think that has anything to do with it. When he was on his medication he was just like the young man that he was at 16 but when he's not you never know what to expect but mostly sadness in the last two months. He is almost like an addiction for me, I feel that without him I cannot survive either, what on earth can that mean? I do feel somewhat relieved that he is not in the same city as me any longer and I have felt that way before. He told me he was at work, so he has already a job. Its not that he doesn't work it's that he doesn't ever stay long enough to reap the benefits of the hard worker he can be... and he is unreliable when he misses work. Once that happens then he hates the job and the roller coaster happenes all over again. Will this ever end... he's been to rehab three times but never keep off the booze. I honestly think that he is self medicating himself because he is bipolar but I just can't seem to get him to follow through for any length of time. I cannot imagine wanting to live like this all the time. Do you think he will ever do something about it if I do nothing... he has said that I have given up on him but I am lost to know what to do any longer. My mother was on medication for depression all of her life, so sometimes I feel that he has inherited the worst from me and from his father. I know this time has affected me much more than any other time. I guess because I tried so hard this time, I thought a nice apartment would give him encouragement. Anyhow, thanks for listening again as I ramble on again. I am feeling a little better. I know I need to take care of myself. I didn't do much today again. I hope to do more tomorrow. I can't talk to me husband but I did talk to my friend tonight for awhile. I have always had a difficult time opening up about these things. I know I do need the help this time. I hope this doesn't overwhelm you as much but make you understand it aliittle better. Thanks for listening everyone:)

[YeloDasy]

Sounds like you have been through some really extreme situations. And thank you for sharing so much with us. I think you understand that when you talk about it, and get honest feedback, it feels good! So, counseling is a great option, and I am so happy to hear that you moved forward with that! It is about time that you take care of yourself, phycially and emotionally... you deserve it! Keep us posted...

[valinors_sorrow]

Its been a well known fact that active alcholics make the people close to them sick and crazy, which is why Al-Anon was created. It is for the friends and families of alcoholics. Please consider attending Al-Anon meetings and letting out your sorrows with people who understand and have found a way out of the sadness. Their meetings are free and usually easy to find. If you can't find them in your phone directory, look for AA to call them and ask. I think it would do you a world of good to connect with people who have been right where you are. Although there may not be much you can do for your son, there is something you can do for you -- and that's at least a very very good message to be sending your son when he looks you up again.