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ilovcali · Jul 29, 2006, 12:02 PM

Entire story merged

New to the board. My ex dumped me two weeks ago. We loved each other, talk about marriage and kids. But the alarm bells in my head were going off. I basically couldn't believe what she was saying. There were many things she did that I could not understand. She would never introduce me to her friends, who were mostly guys. She would frequent this bar dressed in stripper attire, with one of her female friends and love seeking attention from other guys. And my ex was somewhat promiscuous, and 50% of the guys she'd slept with, hang out at this bar. Her female friend is another post altogether and a complete wretch of a woman. My ex had lied to her best friend and never told her that she had been dating me. But when it was me and her, things were fine. And I do think she did love me, but she just had an odd way of showing it.

She had her own apt. but she basically lived with me (meaning she spent every night and every day at my place). We had wonderful times, and basically, unless her wretched best friend was around, my ex was always with me. Anyway, I told her these things were bothering me. That I did feel uncomfortable how she sought so much attention from guys. That I'd love to meet her male friends, since they were people she had fun with. She'd met all of my friends. Why was she so hush, hush, about dating me? And she would only hang out with these guy friends when she was with her wretched chick friend. I said that I'd like to meet her guy friends too. But she would never let me meet any of them. She would never even mention with me with the few close friends she had. Like I was not even part of her life. My ex was indeed a private person, but I thought this was a bit too extreme.

She did this repeatedly and I would tell her that it bothered me. Then one day, I finally had it. I got really mad and just told her I hated what she was doing, and that she was driving me mad. It was awful. I've never been so upset with anyone in my life. My ex was in tears. Anyway, two weeks later she broke up with me even though she was in tears through the whole thing. Said no one had ever hurt her as much as me by the things I had said. I did the horrible thing of begging her to take me back the very next day. She said she actually wanted a "break" and was in the process of seeing a shrink. I said a break was just a break up. Despite this, she wanted to still give me a ride to work everyday. But I said no. A break up is a break up, and that meant we should never speak, see, or talk to each other again. She asked if that meant forever, I said probably, wished her good luck and walked away. Haven't spoken to her since the break up. No contact.

I did all the things I should be doing I think. I've been surrounding myself with friends, not staying at home, trying to focus on work, and also I went on a date. And actually, that's the second part of this post. I had a date on Thursday night. And I really hit it off with this girl. I was expecting nothing, but sparks flew, things are good. Made out with her, spent the night at her place after the first date, which according to her has never happened before, but who knows. Anyway, no sex, just making out and talking. I parted ways with her, saying I'd call again.

So my two questions, when should I call the new chick again? I've already kissed her (maybe a little more) and spent the night. I was thinking sometime later today. Don't know if that's too soon. I don't think it is. I think I like her, but my ex is still lingering in my head. But I don't want to blow it with the new girl. I don't know if it's just a rebound or I like her or maybe both. I think that's possible.

Second question, was my ex acting normal for a woman in a committed relationship? She's almost 30. In my opinion, someone almost 30, talking about marriage and kids, shouldn't be acting this way. What could I have done, if anything, to prevent the break up? I know getting so mad at her was wrong, but that was the culmination of months of frustration. I never yelled at her before that day. I just didn't know what else to do aside from break up with her myself. But I wanted to make things work.

Hope to hear from you Wildcat. Anyone else's advice is also appreciated.

--Cali

P.S.
I work with my ex, but she's in a different building. Also we have mutual aquaintances, but I've managed no contact.

talaniman · Jul 29, 2006, 02:52 PM

So far, so good leave your ex all the way alone and be very careful of jumping into another relationship so soon . What's the hurry unless you need to soothe your own hurt feelings with the attentions of someone else. Not fair, and really selfish. Heal on your own time and expense not someone else's. Stay strong and away from the ex-Good luck!!

valinors_sorrow · Jul 29, 2006, 04:37 PM

It's a well known phenomena that ending a close relationship produces a loss so great that people are very affected for some time afterwards. The period has been proved by lot of people to be best spent with platonic friends, especially ones of the same gender and reflecting on your life, taking stock, sorting out what went wrong (hopefully you'll get to ask and answer both why you were putting up with what you put up with too) and making changes where you see fit but no dating. It is also a time where you are vulnerable to striking up a rebound relationship that is almost guaranteed to fail, landing you right back here again. The time for taking a break from the romance department varies but I have seen it not work if its under a year. Funny how that one year guidelne mirrors in many cultures the same period set aside for grief work for those who lost a partner through death too. Probably for many of the same reasons. If you find a year without a romance difficult, then something else may be operating here and worth taking a closer look. Those are my thoughts that I hope are helpful to you.

s_cianci · Jul 29, 2006, 07:37 PM

There's no set time when you should contact the new girl again. Just play it cool and don't rush into things. As for your second question, no, your ex wasn't acting normal at all. I think you did the right thing by breaking up with her and I'd stay away from her for a long time. Get on with your life without her. Maybe she'll eventually try to craw back in to your life. If she does, then hopefully she'll have turned over a new leaf. If not, then it's "sorry but I'm not available".

Skell · Jul 30, 2006, 04:21 PM

I would definitely forget the ex. It is hard but I think there may have been more to her relationhsips with her ex's at this bar then she is letting on. Just the impression I get from your post. Leave her be and move on with your life.
You sound like a great guy so I'm sure you'll find someone worthy of you.

As far as the new girl. Be very very careful here. It sounds like a rebound relationship developing. Just take it real slow. And I mean REAL SLOW. Just call her occasionaly and keep it light and fun.

I'm 4 months into a breakup with a girlfriend of 7 years and I know I'm not near being ready for any kind of relationship. Sure I talk to girls, have a dance, coffee and whatever but as far as relationship goes I really found that I needed time to myself to sort out my life and look after No. 1 for a while.
That is just me though. But id quietly suggest that you think about a similar sort of break. This new grl may seem great, but it may just be that you are filling in that missing part left by your ex with her. And that isn't fair on anyone.

ilovcali · Jul 31, 2006, 11:02 AM

I know. What I am doing with this new girl is wrong. And it is sad. She is completely smitten on me, and she is very nice, perhaps not as beautiful as my ex, but still very attractive, very accomplished, and somehow, she has fallen head over heels for me, in two dates. I have to break it off with her because I don't want to hurt her bad. That would be god awful. I just don't know what I'm doing anymore. I am still in love with my ex. I still think about her all the time. I miss her like crazy.

I just don't know. When I was with my ex, we spent so much time together. That is why I am certain she did love me. The only time any problems occurred was when her horrible best friend was around. For some unknown reason, she let her friend control her. And most of the things she did that were objectionable occurred when her best friend was around. And my ex was in the process of seeing a shrink about what was going on in her life. It sounds stupid but it was like she was two persons. Sweet and loving when she was with me, and wild and crazy when she was with her friend. And she excluded me from the wild and crazy side of her life. I didn't mind that she had a wild side, I have one too. I just wanted to experience that side of her too. She was the woman I was going to marry. I included her in every facet of my life.

I even asked her if there was stuff I could do to improve as a boyfriend and she said she was very happy with me. Anyway, I am actually certain that my ex never cheated on me. She enjoyed having fun and getting attention from other guys. But it just seemed so odd when she was in love with someone that she thought she'd marry.

Anyway, I still miss her, despite the alarms bells that went off in my head. And I'm spending my time with friends, going out, not staying at home, even started taking salsa lessons. And like I said, I went on a couple dates with this new girl, which was wrong of me. I know with time, it will pass. It has too, but I'm going crazy. It's so hard to push through at work and keep my concentration. What else can I do?

Wildcat21 · Jul 31, 2006, 06:35 PM

Cali Dude - I answered you in your private e-mail. I was traveling. The Cat

Wildcat21 · Jul 31, 2006, 06:37 PM

Women with low self esteem for the most part have a controlling 'queen bee'.

Dude - WAYYYYYYYYYYYyy too many red flags with this gal. Stay away - The drama is what is killing you.

ilovcali · Aug 7, 2006, 07:25 PM

Ok, so some of you have read my story. I haven't contacted my ex in three weeks. I sometimes want to, but I haven't cracked and I hope I don't. She hasn't contacted me either, and I don't think she will.

However, I'm slightly confused. Wildcat, I've read in some posts when you are advising females, you say that guys will jump through hoops if they want to be with you. However, the most well documented policy is no contact, i.e.. "make them miss you." When should a guy jump through hoops and when should he employ no contact? Is it determined by who broke up with who?

If you're a guy and you broke up, you jump through hoops to get her back? If the girl broke up with you, you leave her alone?

Anyway, I'm sure my ex is never coming back. I'm really sad and also very angry. I don't plan to ever contact her. And I think I most likely won't. She should come back to me. She was the one who broke up.

Clarification: when do you jump through hoops, when to you leave it be?

Wildcat21 · Aug 7, 2006, 08:12 PM

Hoops don't count then... that's the early stages... after the early stages they know you... they've been to the circus...

if your cool about things... keep it mysterious... you are always the prize... don't get soft... have a total spine... be busy doing other stuff... tease her, make fun of her sometimes... suprise... PLAN SOME GREAT THINGS. Laugh... did I mention MAKE HER LAUGH?? You got to make her laugh. = YOU CANHAVE THEM JUMP THROUGH HOOPS TO BE WITH YOU.

Personally I think you surrendered too much too her... saw her too much... let her get away with too much (goingto the bar).

Guys should never jump through hoops = reeks of desperation... you want the women to jump through hoops - keep the ball in your court. Don't put complete importance in them = heartache.

Women are part of your life... not your life.

YeloDasy · Aug 9, 2006, 02:00 AM

Ok, now I am confused... I totally see why this question was asked... so women are to contact the guy after a break up? Or whoever broke it off should be the one to come back?

Wildcat21 · Aug 9, 2006, 10:04 AM

Good question.

First... YOU CAN'T JUMP THROUGH HOOPS FOR SOMEONE IF THEY BROKE WITH YOU. That only happens in the movies. You only PUSH them away further. They made up their mind at that pont that they want to/need to move on withOUT YOU!! It would be repulsive to them if you did.

People WANT what they can't have. ALWAYS!!

Ideally - IF you give the person who broke space... they may come back. It'sthe only way- you need to make them miss you, remember what they gave up.

Of course there can't be any cheating - ever, abuse - verbal or physical, lying, drugs/alcohol abuse.

s_cianci · Aug 9, 2006, 11:54 AM

She broke up with you so if you want her to ever possibly have regrets then you need to adopt a "no contact" policy. As far as you're concerned she's disappeared from the face of the earth. After all, she can't very well miss you if you're "jumping through hoops" now, can she? There's no guarantees that she ever will eventually miss you but if you go on with her life as though she doesn't exist any more, you'll at least have a chance. In time you may even find that you don't want her back. After all, surely you don't believe that she's the only interesting woman on earth, do you? There's plenty of others out there that you can have fun with. Get out and explore your options. The results just might surprise you.

YeloDasy · Aug 9, 2006, 02:15 PM

Got it! :)

talaniman · Aug 13, 2006, 10:09 AM

If she breaks up with you... no contact.
If you break up with her... no contact.
Jumping through hoops... never.

valinors_sorrow · Aug 13, 2006, 11:55 AM

I tried to rep you Tal but...

A breakup followed by contact is call "mind games"... sign up at your own discretion but don't be then complaining about the games.

ilovcali · Aug 14, 2006, 08:10 AM

It's been a month since my break-up. I have not contatced my ex once, nor has she contacted me. She really wants it to be over I guess.

In that time, I've hung out with friends, tried to focus on work, taken small road trips, started taking jujitsu lessons, even dated a new girl who really likes me. But today, I feel as bad as I did right after the break-up. What is the matter with me? The wound is not healing with time. It seems to be getting deeper. The reality of how badly I was played perhaps is sinking in. I don't know. But it's awful.

I finally took a day off from work today. I haven't missed any work until now. Today, I'm just sitting at home and feeling miserable. I feel like such a loser. I can't help but remember how she said she "loved me", wanted to be with me forever, wanted to have children with me. How could everything have been such a lie? And why was I not good enough for her, what was missing in me? Why couldn't she be happy? I did everything I could for her, but I wasn't a pushover. Is that such a fault? That I was unwilling to let her get away with anything and everything?

The worst part is, she's not going through any of this pain and struggle over me. I'm sure she is content, perhaps already with a new man, not even giving me a second thought. That is how meaningless I was to her. Why can't I be like her and forget and move on so easily? I was the one who got screwed, why is it harder for me to move on?

What really is my problem? Sorry for the rant. I'm just hurting really bad today and I wish the pain would stop.

needadvice06 · Aug 14, 2006, 09:06 AM

Don't worry man, you'll get over it. I'm in a similar situation now myself, and I have been in the past as well. Things seem great most of the time, but there's the odd time when the pain of that relationship will slip back into your mind. Just try to put it out of your mind, and keep busy.. move on with your life and don't dwell on your ex... trust me, from experience, I dated a girl for 5 years and after we broke up (I broke up with her) it took me a year to date again. It was the biggest mistake I ever made, as so many opporutnities passed me by. Its OK to grieve, but don't let her (who I'm sure is having fun and dating other guys) stop you from being happy

Wildcat21 · Aug 14, 2006, 09:28 AM

"The worst part is, she's not going through any of this pain and struggle over me." - how do you know? She just doesn't forget about you.

Go for a long run. I bet a lot of money you are not working out.

This gal gave a lot of insecurities.

People Want What They Can't have.

Do me a favor and read all the free articles at:

www.lovetactics.com - read them all.

Read every article on datin gand relationships at www.askme.com

valinors_sorrow · Aug 14, 2006, 09:33 AM

Before you take up the wise advice of the previous posts and put this out of your mind, can we take a closer look at some of what I recognise (as in it takes one to know one LOL) here?

Originally Posted by ilovcali

It's been a month since my break-up. I have not contatced my ex once, nor has she contacted me. She really wants it to be over I guess.

Warped logic: It means one thing about her and another about you somehow.
Reality: Well the same could be said from the other direction about you too - NOT that I am advising anyone contact anyone here, okay? Over is over and it looks like you both are living in reality, bravo for you both.

Originally Posted by ilovcali

In that time, I've hung out with friends, tried to focus on work, taken small road trips, started taking jujitsu lessons, even dated a new girl who really likes me. But today, I feel as bad as I did right after the break-up. What is the matter with me? The wound is not healing with time. It seems to be getting deeper. The reality of how badly I was played perhaps is sinking in. I don't know. But it's awful.

Warped logic: Because it feels worse it must be getting worse. Why can't this be fixed by doing all the right things? I want it fixed now!
Reality: The shock may be wearing off, the reality of it takes time to sink in, the human psyche deals with loss in layers. It takes time to see the progress and frankly one month is not that long for the depth of loss. You are in grief, so just take it easy-- including on yourself.

Originally Posted by ilovcali

I finally took a day off from work today. I haven't missed any work until now. Today, I'm just sitting at home and feeling miserable. I feel like such a loser. I can't help but remember how she said she "loved me", wanted to be with me forever, wanted to have children with me. How could everything have been such a lie? And why was I not good enough for her, what was missing in me? Why couldn't she be happy? I did everything I could for her, but I wasn't a pushover. Is that such a fault? That I was unwilling to let her get away with anything and everything?

Warped logic: I didn't do anything to deserve the relationship ending even though I am sifting over and over and over only the details that make me look faultless. Hey, maybe if I make myself out to be THE BIG VICTIM here, I'll recover my totally flattened ego and feel better... never mind that means I might be stuck playing the victim forever.
Reality: Whatever I did, I didn't realise it was bad enough to contribute to it ending. This is one hard lesson to learn. The only way to feel better is to learn what I need to learn to make this pain count for something but hey, I can do that!

Originally Posted by ilovcali

The worst part is, she's not going through any of this pain and struggle over me. I'm sure she is content, perhaps already with a new man, not even giving me a second thought. That is how meaningless I was to her. Why can't I be like her and forget and move on so easily? I was the one who got screwed, why is it harder for me to move on? What really is my problem? Sorry for the rant. I'm just hurting really bad today and I wish the pain would stop.

Warped logic: I know how she is and she isn't hurting one bit.
Reality: You have no idea how she is.

That was a good rant and you need to let it all out. Grief means we aren't thinking too straight so I am not calling you dumb here either -- not at all, okay? This will go a lot easier if you would do two simple things. Begin to tell yourself the whole truth as much as possible, and lower your expectations. Grief is like recovering from a really bad emotional flu and it is a time for you to be especially kind to you. Now go reread the two other posts.