[LuckySin]

This will be long and everyone will wonder why I'm pining over him.
So my boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me 8 days ago. Our relationship was always rocky and never stable, yet I still love and care for him deeply and I'm finding it so hard to let go. We met on a chat site and quickly started chatting via msn. We chatted everyday for a few hours and we always had things to talk about. I kept asking him when we would meet in person and he always said "soon." We end up talking on the phone about 4 months later. A month later I'm literally ready to break off our chatting relationship, and he says that we should meet. We set a date and last last minute he bails, saying he injured his feet playing a sport--he calls me to apologize. I give him another chance. We set another date and he cancels last minute--again--and says he "doesn't feel like leaving the house." I'm livid and ignore him but he IM's me an apologizes and won't leave me alone. Finally he agrees to meet again and I'm not hopeful... but he insists that he must apologize. We go out to lunch--he's quiet which I like. This is happening during the month of December and he becomes more interested in me. He keeps making plans but half the time he bails. He calls me to wish me a merry xmas and happy new years and on new years day he asks if we can go for dinner--if I'm not busy. I tell him I'll let him know and we do go out that night. This night was different because he flirted abd touched my hand and this was when we first kissed. So we see each other and one night he's going to a hockey game and says we can meet later. But then he says that maybe not because he may be tired. I tell him I'll drive to where he lives and 45 minutes later we meet for coffee. He asks me out that night and he's SO lovely dovey I can't believe it. He's cuddling and kissing me and being adorable. So we see each other only once a week and I tell him I want to see him more but he doesn't seem that into it. He also is hesitant to introduce me to his friends. And I understand guys may want to take things slow but honestly during our entire relationship this is what it pretty much was. We saw each other once a week and he had SUCH a difficult time having me meet his friends, even though he said he loved me and wanted to be with me forever (even talked about marriage). He said he had a lot of anxiety about meeting his friends and family because he was so nervous. Meanwhile I'm pretty much making him feel like it's not normal that he doesn't want me meeting them. So I meet one of his friends 10 months later then I meet the rest a month after that. Also, I only went to his house and met his parents that same month too. He's embarrassed of his house because his mother is a hoarder and he hasn't had anyone there since he was 10 (he was 25 at the time). So anyway when we first met he just started working in his field (construction) and by July he was laid off. He also reffed football from aug-nov. and I met his friends and family right when that ended. So during this time he had nothing really going for him and he felt down about it. Well end of November (that same month when I met his friend and went to his house) he came by my house and was crying hysterically that he couldn't be with me anymore because he didn't feel the butterflies and that he didn't love me. I said it was normal for the butterflies to go-it didn't mean it was the end. He was so sick over it. We ended up talking on the phone where we felt the way we did when we first started and everything was going good. He apologized for saying he didn't love me. Well we end up spending more time than usual together during the xmas holidays and we spend xmas together. The next day I feel something is off with him so I text him if he's alright--hes says no and that he screwed up. He says he's breaking up with me AGAIN. I get pissed but I'm heart broken. We continue talking and he wants a break and we don't spend new years together. We get back together and celebrate our 1 year anniversary. However, he says he's unsure he loves me and tells me to be patient with him. He says that he feels anxiety when he's around me. He then tells me that he's always hed anxiety about things and is never able to make a decision. He also runs when things get too hard--he never makes an effort. Even in school when he had to choose between studying and possibly failing and not studying and paying the fee for a failed grade he'd rather fail with out trying and paying the fee. So The next year is so horrible ans hard. Im frustrated with no progress happening and it's clear to me that he has many issues--he has many aquaintances but no real friends. He also never had relationship longer than 2 months. Hes not close to his family at all--he barley speaks to his parents and NEVER speaks to his sister. He has no one close to him and he's pretty much a loner. He also has no ambition or motivation. Hes content to collect Emplyment Insurance instead of finding a job and playing online poker. He always said to me that he wishes he could win the lottery. Anyway, he really is a sweet guy he just has many many issues. He has low self-esteem and lacks confidence. And he has a lot of anger issues that he can't express. So he starts seeing a therapist because he's crying every day and he goes but isn't really willing to do the work needed so he eventually stops going. This was around August of 2008. Meanwhile our relationship is barely there. I give him an ultimatum--he include me in his life and if I see changes within 3 months then we can stay together. Well I see a 180 from him. He's inviting me to dinner with his friends, we go to the bar with his friends, he takes me to a hockey game, etc. I was so happy I cried. Well new years comes around and we get into a fight and I break up with him. It started that he was apprehensive about us because of my age--im 28 and he didn't want to ruin my chances at marriage and children if "this didnt work out." Worse comes to worse and I break up with him--even though he said he didn't want to break up. Well a few days later we talk and we get back together and he says "so are we officially back together now?" and I say if you want to and he says "yes." but then I start doing things on my own because I tell him I want to spend more than once a week with him and he's still not doing that--he's unemployed--so I go out on 2 separate occasions by himself. He invites himself but I say no--i figure if he really wamted to do things with me he would have initiated it himself and not have waited till I made plans on my own. So its gets really bad and he breaks up with me on the phone--hes crying hysterically and this is how he's always been throughout the whole thing. The first time he broke up with me he went to the emergency because hethought he was getting a heart attack. Anyway he says he wants to break up and we do but I'm so bad at the NC (even during our breaks) and I cave. I get into a bad bad fight with my mom and I'm hysterical and call him and ask if I can come over. He says OK. I realize I made a mistake right away and it turns into fighting again--asking why he deosnt want to be with me etc. he says that he doesn't feel anything for me anymore but meanwhile he's crying. He says that he gets anxiety when he's around me and convinces himself to spend time with me and he wants to cry whenever we talk on the phone. I say I'm moving to another province and he starts crying. He wants me to move in a few months so that he can decide whether he made a mistake or not. It ends really bad and I call him the next day for 5 minutes. I call and text the day after and he never responded back. I texted him that I can't let him go even though he wants me to and that he means too much to me. To give a bit of background on him--hes never been happy. I suspected a year ago that he suffered from some kind of depression and anxiety. Also, he goes out with friends but he doesn't enjoy himself--he says he goes just to get out. He's not happy doing anything except play online poker, buy hockey cards, and ref football. I know you all will think I'm crazy but was this relationship doomed from the start? What do you think the problem was? Could it all have happened differently if he got some professional help? I'm realizing that its over but I'm stupid--i still have a tiny bit of hope. He says he doesn't want me to go and he can't stand the thought of me being with someone else. I think space would do him good and I've not contacted him since yesterday morning. Can he just be really really confused with himself?Please help!

[UnluckyDucky]

I don't wonder why you're pining over him at all. It's only natural when you fall in love you tend to overlook things that may be wrong with your partner. I don't blame you for feeling this way at all.

I do however, think this relationship was pretty much doomed from the start. I understand that some people like to take it slow, but the way he seemed to have strung you along like that seems a bit much in my opinion. My first reaction would be "I wonder if this person is married or is living a double life". I believe that it is a VERY bad idea to get involved with someone going months and months in a "virtual relationship" without even meeting them first. Why waste the time and effort if when you meet the person for the first time it turns out you don't feel anything for them or the chemistry isn't there, or even worse.. what if they aren't who they claimed to be? You'd definitely be in a pickle there as you'd be already emotionally invested.

From what you're describing, he has some serious self-image issues he needs to work out. His behavior all throughout the relationship screams of low self-esteem and little confidence. I honestly don't think he was ready for a relationship. He needs to address his personal issues including anxiety through professional help.

I say you should tell him to seek some professional help and leave him alone so he can get his life together. Don't beat yourself over this though. Like I said before, its easy to overlook the warning signs when you're in love with someone.

[NateStone]

All right, first of all when your typing stuff mind dividing it into paragraphs? It's quite difficult to read a HUGE wall of Text :P

Anyway, yes tell him he should seek out some help, and that you want him to because you really care about him and never want to see him hurt again.

[LuckySin]

Thanks for the replies. I would also like to add that nothing ever interested my boyfriend. He never cared to do anything but hang out at home. We never went bowling, skating, or anything like that. That's why I think he had a depression before I met him--he feels uninterested in anything in his life. He never ad an opinion on aything either. He couldn't say he enjoyed something--he would always say "it's ok, it's alright." That's how he mustve felt about me--" ok, alright." I'm hurting so bad. I'm sad that he doesn't care whether he ever sees me again. He always acted like he cared--he'd cry so much when he thought about it but I guess him not contacting me after I sent him that text about how I feel for him says more. I feel that he's being callous and cold-hearted and that I never meant much to him. If I meant anything to him he'd still be with me--he wouldve decided that I was too important to let go and work on his issues. But then I feel like I did so many wrong things in this relationship that maybe it could be my fault? Maybe I just needed to give him time and back-off? I always pressured him and made him feel bad for not doing the things that I thought were important in a relationship. Who would want to be with someone who made them feel that way?

[LuckySin]

Also, throughout our relationship I was always so insecure and needy--i think because he was so distant and remained unavailable. Every time we fought or broke up I was always the one who contacted him first. ALWAYS. Even last Saturday when I contacted him through texts, when he called me back I asked if he was upset I texted him and he said "no, i was expecting that youd contact me." He didn't mean it in a bad way or to put me down, but he is aware that I will contact him after anything. Do you think that if I do NC for a while he'll wonder and contact me?

[UnluckyDucky]

Thanks for the replies. I would also like to add that nothing ever interested my boyfriend. He never cared to do anything but hang out at home. We never went bowling, skating, or anything like that. That's why I think he had a depression before I met him--he feels uninterested in anything in his life. He never ad an opinion on aything either. He couldn't say he enjoyed something--he would always say "it's ok, it's alright."

It definitely sounds like he has some depression and/or other mental issues he needs to get addressed by a professional.

That's how he mustve felt about me--" ok, alright." I'm hurting so bad. I'm sad that he doesn't care whether he ever sees me again. He always acted like he cared--he'd cry so much when he thought about it but I guess him not contacting me after I sent him that text about how I feel for him says more. I feel that he's being callous and cold-hearted and that I never meant much to him.

I doubt he was ever ready to be in a relationship due to his mental issues. If you're looking for a "normal" emotional response from him I doubt you will get one. He just may not be capable of it right now.

If I meant anything to him he'd still be with me--he wouldve decided that I was too important to let go and work on his issues.

I know that is what your heart is feeling right now, but this is simply untrue. You're assuming he'd react the same way as if the roles were reversed - because you're feeling that if you were in his shoes, you'd be "deciding that he is important to let go and work on your issues".

But then I feel like I did so many wrong things in this relationship that maybe it could be my fault? Maybe I just needed to give him time and back-off? I always pressured him and made him feel bad for not doing the things that I thought were important in a relationship. Who would want to be with someone who made them feel that way?

He most likely has deep rooted depression and other mental issues. While you may have made mistakes this likely wouldn't have mattered in the long run.

Also, throughout our relationship I was always so insecure and needy--i think because he was so distant and remained unavailable. Every time we fought or broke up I was always the one who contacted him first. ALWAYS. Even last Saturday when I contacted him through texts, when he called me back I asked if he was upset I texted him and he said "no, i was expecting that youd contact me." He didn't mean it in a bad way or to put me down, but he is aware that I will contact him after anything. Do you think that if I do NC for a while he'll wonder and contact me?

Can you seriously say with your heart and mind that you want a relationship with this guy still, especially with someone that appears to not be emotionally available in the capacity you want him to be due to other issues?

Honestly, NC is for you - not for you to make him wonder and come back. You're only asking for more heartbreak and pain with that though process. I know you're in pain. I know you're feeling all these horrible emotions. Believe me when I say you're not alone and many of us here have been through it.

The best thing you can do is back off and encourage him to get himself the help he needs so he can address his own issues. This is not normal and as long as he is the way he is without getting help, I do not see ANY chance at a normal relationship.

[talaniman]

Disappear from his life, as hard as that will be, but you both have issues you need to deal with, and neither of you can help the other.

So don't take it personally, but you bring out the very worst in each other, and should leave each other alone.