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LovesAnimals · Oct 20, 2009, 02:11 PM

Hi everyone... I'm still in my situation unfortunately... but hanging in. I can't remember who said it, but they were right when they said the court stuff would drag on forever... well it has and continues to. He is switching lawyers if he can raise the money for the first payment (because his other one won't take payments) and that is going to drag it out at least another month before the pretrial stuff can take place... The judge already decided there is enough evidence to take it to trial... so that's where it's headed.

He continues to float in and out of the house whenever he wants... and has stopped letting me know where he's at and what he's up to. Just when I think I've made it clear that there is not going to be a "me and him" when the court stuff is all over... he does or says something that makes me think differently.

So, in a nutshell... nothing has changed in my life. I'm a loser that just can't seem to get my head out of my you know what! I'm not saying that for sympathy or anything! It helps me deal with my thoughts and everything when I tell someone what I know is the truth!

I feel like I'm ready to tell him that I want to move on with my life... but I don't want to go through the drama and I'm not sure what he will do?? He just knows how to push my buttons so much that I feel trapped.

You all were so right when I was moving I should have just moved on my own and not allowed him to go too. Now it's even more difficult. He even made the comment the other day that only two of his friends are even helping him deal with everything. Again all about what people can do for him. I actually yelled at him because how dare he say that I'm not helping him!

We all know this relationship is and never was a good one and it should just end now. I know I could end things really quick by testifying for the DA the truth and getting a restraining order but I just can't... I just want all of this to be over... The court stuff, him in my life, the drama... just want it over. I know it's all up to me... but when am I going to know that it's the right time??

Anyway... thanks again for listening...

LovesAnimals

JudyKayTee · Oct 20, 2009, 02:15 PM

You are NOT a loser - he is doing everything he can to make you feel like you are a loser... but you are NOT.

You are trapped in a situation and you are trying to get out.

Take a deep breath - you are steps ahead of where you were when you first posted.

Rethinking things and re-examining your past decisions at this point is like spinning tires on a car - you are going to go nowhere!

Keep looking forward and hang in there!

none12345 · Oct 20, 2009, 07:10 PM

Remind me why you are living with him again?

basketballlover · Oct 20, 2009, 07:27 PM

Okay, first of all YOU ARE NOT A LOSER! That much is obvious. Second, whether you want to or not, drama will happen. You won't be able to avoid it. One way or another it will happen. Now that way be harsh but it's the truth. Listen just don't give up. Keep strong. If there are any interests like sports or clubs you'd be interested in join. It helps to have interaction with people who have similar interests. Just don't give up. I tell that to myself everyday. Give up and you've lost the battle. Stay strong and you've won the war. Believe in yourself. As hard as that may be, believe. You can do it. Not all people are like him. You were just someone unlucky enough to have it happen to you. The moment you are free you will wake up, take a deep breath and feel free. You CAN do it. Keep up the hope. :)

If it helps, listen to the climb by miley cyrus. Even if you don't like her. Listen to the song. The climb up is hard but the vue makes it all worth it.

sully123 · Oct 21, 2009, 03:03 AM

Loveanimals be strong, and walk away. He has so much control over you. You are not a weak person. It takes courage and respect for yourself and say I don't desrve a person like this. Look ahead and how much stronger you would be without this man.

Survivor07 · Oct 21, 2009, 03:12 PM

Glad to hear you're still okay.

YOU are not a loser. You're just living with one.

And, yes, the court stuff will take forever.

You know what you have to do. When you're strong enough, you will. I know you will.

Keep in touch and be safe.

Rhiannnonn · Oct 22, 2009, 12:11 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Do you know what happens to victims who drop charges against their abusers??

They are not taken seriously by police, family, or friends. That will leave you vulnerable to whatever he gets away with.

Protect yourself.

Oh boy! Ain't that the truth?

My third (and, and this point, last) husband had been abusive to me since the day after we got married. This probably accounts for why the marriage lasted six weeks (five weeks and six days too long). Believe me, I'm not making jokes here. I'm talking the kind of Neanderthal who wakes you up the morning after yo get married and when you say you're not ready to wake up, he says, "Hell! We're married! I don't have to take 'no' for an answer anymore!" and procees to do as he wishes. He probably could have gotten more reaction from a wet dish rag that morning.

It wasn't bad enough that I was covered with bruises, when my husband got home from work that night he started his usual snarking because I didn't drink alcohol 7 nights a week. After dinner, I was crocheting and watching TV and he was having fits and came flying across the table in the corner between the couch and my chair, bellowing "You want me to black both your eyes??" right up in my face.

I stared him down and he went and got himself another beer. Whenhe came back, he grabbed my arm and smashed it onto the arm of the chair. "Now what are you gonna do?" he taunted. (Never did understand his facination in acting like white trash... )

I reached in the pocket on the other side of the chair and pulled out a steak knife and pulled it across the arm he was smashing my other arm with. Not enough to do more than scratch, but just enough to draw blood. Made him let go real quick. He was looking rather shocked when he sat down on the couch.

I picked up the phone and dialed 911. It was ringing but wasn't answered when he pushed the button in the cradle hook (we're going back a few years here folks). He was looking triumphant until the phone rang and I pulled the phone out from under his hand to release the button.

"Hello?"

"This is Dispatch at Xxxxxx County Sheriff's Department. Did you just try to call us?"

"Yes, I did."

"Ok, is there a problem?"

"Yes there is."

"Ok, keep your answers to yes and no. Do you want us to send a Deputy?"

"Yes, please that would be lovely!"

"Is this a domestic problem?"

"Yes."

"Would you eel more comfortable if I stayed on the line with you until the deputies are in your driveway?"

"Yes, that would be absolutely lovely!!" And we chit-chatted for a few minutes until she told me that there were patrol cars in my driveway and we hung up. The husband says, "Who was that?" And he told me I was lying when I said it was 911 dispatch. He threatened to knock the sh-t out of me for lying when I said he better not because I was on the way to answer the door before the Deputies knocked on it. When he saw them, he visibly shrunk.

Oh... in an effort to shorten the story, the older of the two Deputies pointed out to him that he could tell that I was being beat up on. One bruise in particular, he said, was in a place that was practically impossible to bruise. When the husband tried to show him his arm where I cut him with the steak knife, the Deputy said, "Good!!"

Me, me this cop talks into letting the husband sleep on the couch and leave in the morning. He doesn't want to take him to jail "because you women are all alike...you have us take 'em away and in half an hour you're down there cryin' for us to let 'em out."

I said, "Obviously, you don't know women like me. If I have to have a man removed from my house, I don't give a damn where he goes as long as it's not back on my doorstep!"

So, the Deputy told him to stay in the living room and sleep on the couch and leave me and my daughter alone. I would close and lock my bedroom door and that would be that. And if they were called again, there had better not be any new marks on me or he would go to jail for sure.

But every time I tried to close the door, he starts turning on the TV and stereo fullblast and it's after 2 AM. I pull the fuses out of the fuse box in my bedroom closet and he starts screaming at the top of his lungs. (All I need is the neighbors calling the cops on me! ) So, I had to call the Sheriffs department again. So he left.

When the Deputies showed up at the door, they told me they had picked him up when they saw him walking. They wanted to make sure that I was OK before they let him go on his merry way. And they let him go on his merry way.

And gets as far as a payphone and starts calling me over and over and over... And I was forced to call the Sheriff's department again. While I'm explaining to the dispatcher what's going on, we were interupted several times by his calls to me from the pay phone. So, cars were dispatched to all two payphones near where I lived (which put the Sheriff's Dept. a block further away), and he was at the one I said it was most likely the one he'd be at. He sent the night in jail because he got mouthy with the Deputy. And the phone calls started again they let him the jail at 6:30 AM.

Now comes the part where I got lucky:

He went back to the state he came from, did something stupid and got himself thrown in prison. (Obviously, this took a couple months.) He starts writing me letters trying to convince me to write him letters while he's stuck in prison. (Grandmother said get a divorce kit and a divorce while you know where he's at and he's not going anywhere.) He starts writing me letters that alternate between begging me to write him perfumed letters; and threatening kidnap my daughter, and to stalk and kill me when he gets out of prison. Just as soon as he got paroled, he'd be there to kidnap her and kill me... And this isn't just in alternate letters, it's usually in the same letter! In poems. With bloody pictures. I'm not kidding! He could start begging in one letter and by the end of it be threatening! And I thought that the threats were veiled...

So, I called the Sheriff's Department and talked to someone there about what they thought that I should do? Who did they tink that I should talk to about it? They suggest calling the prison. I call the prison, and talk to the Chaplin. The Chaplin as the Asst. Warden call me. They asked me to send them s few photocopies of the letters and envelopes so that they could see them. I said that I would send them ALL of them.

So the next thing that I hear is from the Warden and she's telling me that he won't be getting paroled when he thinks that he will, he will be serving out at least his whole sentence. If I would like to be at the parole hearing, they will make sure to make sure I knew when it was, my reply to that was a polite thanks but no thanks. Why didn't I contact them sooner than I did? There was nothing that was veiled about those threats! And she would like to suggest that I move before he got out if I could. (I've moved to two states since then.)

In one of those states, I ran into an organization that I learned a few things from about staying safe from abuse. Places and organizations to look for emergency help from (if it says Rape and Abuse counseling, it's a good place to start they can point you in the right direction), they know the safe shelters, and take the counselling they offer!! You really need to talk to someone who KNOWS what's going on, not just has theories on it.

The biggest point is that YOU want to survive. Who cares about the marriage? After you heal, you can look for a better marriage, but YOU have to survive.

LovesAnimals · Nov 2, 2009, 03:16 PM

Thanks for sharing Rhiannnon... Thanks to everyone else who is still giving me the encouragement to move forward at my own pace. It's also nice to know that there are people out there that understand what I'm going through and what I'm dealing with.

A lot of you have told me I will reach a point... well I'm there... On Friday I was straightening out my jewelry case and noticed I had some jewelry missing. My husband was home so I asked him and he didn't really answer me... he was half asleep. Then when he got up he just acted angry at me and got ready to leave. I asked him where he was going and he said he had to do some things and also get my jewelry. I asked where they were... and you guessed it... taken a loan on them at a pawn shop. I asked how could he do that and without telling me? He got defensive and said it wasn't like it was my wedding ring not like that would have mattered and that it wasn't a big deal because it's not like he sold them... just took a loan out. Yes it is a big deal right? He basically stole my jewelry right??

Then when he gets back he hands me some pieces of jewelry and by that time I knew everything that was missing and there were two more items. He said he didn't know. He was getting ready to go again (said a friend needed help) and then I asked him again. He said he'd have to check the paperwork... Then we got into it because I was so hurt by him taking my stuff, not missing the stuff, but that he took it. We fought and he tried to make me feel bad saying I wasn't helping him enough... I told him that I couldn't wait until all of the court stuff was over so we could both move on. That makes him even more angry and telling me that I've got it all figured out and well... he's very intimidating when he's like this... He left eventually but not without saying that because he's leaving I'm now going to think he puts everyone else ahead of me...

He text later that he was sorry and that he'd get my jewelry back the next day. He didn't come back to the house that day at all. Then Saturday I was going out for once! My best friend and I were going to a couple of Halloween parties... His first text to see what time I was going and if I'd be out late so instead of starting something I replied. When I got to the party I put my purse down and enjoyed myself... When we headed to the second party I saw the three texts. Two wishing me a good time with one send only 30 min after I got to the party and the second an hour later. Then an hour after that was the one stating that "what you are too busy to return my text" and a little nasty. I text back and said knock it off and that I didn't have my phone on me... going to the next party. Then he gets angry saying he didn't know about two parties and then the texts get worse from there... calling me and my friend names and just being mean and hurtful!

Of course on Sunday come the apologies and then he said he would come to the house if I wanted to see him and I told him I didn't... of course he said that hurt him and no one understood "the cross he had to bare" with the guilt, sadness, etc...

I haven't seen him but I think he'll be there tonight but I hope not. I haven't heard from him either... I want to tell him to just get out of my life but I'm unsure of his reaction...

none12345 · Nov 2, 2009, 04:08 PM

Your problem is, you are too nice. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong about being nice but it comes to a point where you just become where other people lives your life.

It is your life, don't feel guilty for telling him to get out just because he has no where to go. He isn't treating you right at all. He having no where to go is his problem and not yours.

And what is taking the divorce so long? :confused:

Telling him to get out of your life is the right thing to do and that is what you should do. Don't think of his feelings, just think of all the abuse you have to deal with. Some people just don't deserve sympathy and he is one of them. Good luck!

PoorBloke · Nov 2, 2009, 04:26 PM

Get rid of him and move on with your life, you may find someone that is better in the future.. but it won't be while that jerk is around!

LovesAnimals · Nov 9, 2009, 08:57 AM

I hear you on not being able to move on with life with him still around. It's not all his fault though because I now realize I'm blurring the lines by being nice and still allowing him to be a part of my life.

Just this weekend, because he was sick, I did things for him like bringing him medicine, something to drink etc. Probably didn't help matters by going grocery shopping with him and allowing him to pay. I know he doesn't have the money but he's been eating the food I buy for months now and I welcomed the help. I wasn't able to buy any this weekend and was completely out of a lot of things...

The light bulb clicked on that somehow he things things are going to work out for us after all the court stuff is done. I can't and SHOULDN'T let go of the things that have happened!! And I won't!! It's my choice and he's trying to take that away from me... and I'm allowing it.

Tonight I'm laying it out straight...

Synnen · Nov 9, 2009, 09:03 AM

Honey... make SURE there is someone there you can count on when you lay it out for him.

Do NOT do this alone, just the two of you.

Please.

sully123 · Nov 9, 2009, 02:52 PM

Why do you keep on doing for this man? Your suppose to be getting strong and avoid him. He is dangerous! Your life could be taken away in a heartbeat.. It's always something else.. I thought you were heading in the right direction, why do you even talk to him..

LovesAnimals · Nov 10, 2009, 02:00 PM

I didn't get the chance to talk to him last night because he wasn't around but it's probably better because I didn't have anyone else around... not smart or safe.

I am stronger than I used to be... believe me! I'm still not where I need to be and I'm aware of this but I'm trying to take steps to do so. I can't bring myself to do the steps needed to get him out of my house and life because of the case pending and because, well, I'm just trying to be safe about things...

If he thinks that I'm "rolling over on him" then he has nothing to lose right? If he's going down he will most likely take me down with him. Sure a restraining order sounds good... but it's just a piece of paper and doesn't apply to his friends.. I'm just trying to be smart or though I feel I am...

I don't cry and get upset over the things he does anymore and I think that means I'm a lot stronger than I used to be. He can't manipulate me into thinking this is all my fault because it's not! Everyone is allowed to have their own opinion and own choices and he decided to strangle me when I didn't pick the one he wanted me to... that's why he's where he is right now... not because of me. I think that's a huge step that unfortunately took me forever to get to :(. I'm going to continue to plug along and I will get 100% there eventually, I will!

sully123 · Nov 10, 2009, 04:04 PM

Loveanimals do you have any family you can go to? Or a friend other than him? Yes, you can get a restraining order and its not a piece of paper. What state do you live in? I know NJ the state is tougher now on Domestic Violence even putting your hand on someone. Your automatically arrested. I would be so scared of that man, I don't know how you can even stomach him in the same room, nevertheless talk to him. You have to be strong, you need a backup.

ordinaryguy · Nov 13, 2009, 01:33 PM

Originally Posted by LovesAnimals

I can't bring myself to do the steps needed to get him out of my house and life because of the case pending and because, well, I'm just trying to be safe about things...

Every day you delay, you become less safe.

SolidMan09 · Nov 15, 2009, 02:41 PM

I want to offer a perspective that isn't often seen, and most certainly isn't well received by most if any out there.

It's devastating to see that the typical and common response to this type of situation is that in all cases, or at least the vast majority of cases, a man that has unfortunately resorted to violence can and will likely repeat that behavior.

As a man who has been exposed to that most devastating and unfortunate choice, I've learned that the years of abuse (verbal, emotional, and physical) I'd suffered as a child had developed in me a pattern of behavior that I would resort to in my adulthood. For years, I've been an 'angry' man - yelling often, using profanity, even throwing things or destroying my own possessions. It was the behavior I grew up with, and had always thought that there were many people - particularly men - that would behave this way when angry. It was what I learned, and it was what I did - and I was none the wiser.

During an intense argument with my wife several months ago, I found myself in a most desperate situation and ultimately resorted to violence. I grabbed her and yelled at her and threatened her, and within that moment, have found that I had destroyed my marriage, my family, and ultimately my sense of self worth. Never once did I believe I was capable of that sort of behavior. Never once had I believed I was entitled to acting out in such a horrid manner, and even believed myself that domestic violence was and is utterly unacceptable. Nevertheless, that day - everything changed, and there is nothing I can do that will undo the damage and trauma I've caused my family.

Since that day many months ago, I've undertaken a very intense journey to understand why I acted in such an unacceptable manner, why I was not able to control my anger, and why my decision was to do what I did. I have felt so utterly devastated by the emotional pain I've brought unto my wife that I can barely breathe, even to this day - some 4 months later. I find it difficult to look in the mirror at myself, for when I do I see a pathetic man who was not able to treat his wife properly, and while I may be a good man inside, my actions did not reflect that of what a good man does.

I am attending many types of therapy and counseling, for I wish to NEVER repeat this behavior again - never again, not once, for the rest of my life. I am so desperately committed to change that I scour every internet source I can find to see if there may be even one becon of hope for a man in my situation - but unfortuantely all too often, the overwhelming response is that I should have no hope for myself, and that I am doomed to repeat my behavior. Every time I see a flip response or someone offering their quick judgment to someone who is asking a fair question - to say "No, you must leave him NOW!" or when asked if he can change, the answers are "No" or "Never!". Is there truly no hope for the man that wants nothing more in his life that to ensure that he is safe - and those around him can be safe, forevermore? Is there no hope that I can banish these same lessons I'd learned when I was growing up, and to never expose my own children to this monstrous behavior - and bringing to them their own certain pain of the cycle of abuse?

Is there NO way I can change? Is there NO way I can put an end to the cycle of abuse and violence? While I admit that going to just a single form of counseling will have spotty results, my own experience is telling me that true change is very much a possibility but only when the individual seeks it in every venue and every resource and commits fully to the incredibly hard work involved in undergoing such intense change. It will take some time, but even in 4 months I have become a different person in relation to anger, my ability to communicate, and in my general response to observing violence and abuse in others. As I look forward, I am fully convinced that there is hope for me and others like me - but at the same time, also recognize that there are men out there who just don't get it - and who, with all the help in the world, may never fully recognize their own behaviors and be able to overcome their own challenges with abuse and violence.

But please know, all of you - that there are men like me who know they have made a most tragic mistake, and that while we are human - we take total responsibility for our own actions. We do not blame others, but only seek to understand such that we can improve ourselves and purge this pattern of behavior from our lives forever. There ARE men who need the support of these various 'anonymous' internet sources as we seek to understand ourselves, to recognize and fully comprehend the total impact of our behavior, and to seek help in finding a path to improvement. If we collectively dismiss all men who have been caught up in this cycle, aren't we also dooming those who DO have hope of rehabilitation to never being able to fulfill that mission?

I am so very sorry to every single person out there who has had to suffer at the hands (or words) of violence. The nightmarish experience lingers in us all who have been there, and it is because of men like me - or at least, the man I USED to be.

Changing this is not easy at all... It is so incredibly hard, and it takes a pure comittment that can never be shaken or weaken with time. It takes total and complete vigilance to the process of change, that it must be at the center of your being. Yet change IS possible, maybe for only an unfortunate few.

rain6 · Nov 15, 2009, 03:43 PM

Read your post and count all the reasons in it for you to stay with him. Then reread it and count the reasons to NOT stay. I think you already know the answer. This man humiliates you, degrades you, disrespects you, makes you feel bad about yourself AND not only emotionally, but physically hurts you! Think about the man you imagined yourself marrying when you were younger. Did you ever imagine him doing any of these things? Of course not! We get attached to what we know because we're scared of the unknown, but a relationship should make you feel happy, loved, confident, secure. Right now it sounds like your relationship is not giving you any of those things.

Also, I don't know if you have children, or if you are planning to, but having witnessed it between my parents when they were going through their divorce I can say this: if you can't leave him for yourself, do it for your kids, or those in your future. My parents are both now infinately happier but what I witnessed 10 years ago has still left scars that affect me today. My mother tells me she only wishes she had left before things had gotten to that point. You're not the only person to go through this. Make the choice for yourself, leave now. You CAN do it!

Survivor07 · Nov 30, 2009, 04:09 PM

You sound like you're beginning to think you are your own person. That's good.

I hope it's not too much longer that you make the bold move that needs made.

Just a reminder to make sure you have support around you, day and night.

Devorameira · Nov 30, 2009, 05:15 PM

It is possible for an abuser to change but is it likely? Hell no! It takes real commitment and years of therapy to change such ingrained behaviors. It’s like child molesters…they can’t change because it is how their brains were hardwired. It can be beaten into him that it is “bad” but getting him to actually change and not just have him pretend that he has changed are very different animals. All of it requires that he willingly accept that what he is doing is wrong and needs to be corrected then start therapy, in one form or another, to start finding out what happened to him to make him behave/think like that.

Final opinion - leave and stay away! He will do nothing but make you feel worthless and kill your self-esteem.

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“The quality of your life is the quality of your relationships.” - Anthony Robbins