[LovesAnimals]

I didn't mean to upset anyone on this site... I honestly took the 5th to ultimately protect myself now and in the future whether he gets put away or not. I can't be the one who helped put him there... it's complicated.

I didn't file charges against him. The state took on that case therefore they should keep me out of it. Don't get me wrong, I agree that the state should help those that can't help themselves like a women (or man) that takes abuse and beatings and really can't find a way out. But there's a reason the person doesn't file themselves... they are scared of the outcome...

I posted on this site because I was confused and scared and really wanted to determine if I was truly in an abusive relationship or just over exaggerating things or situations. With all of your help I know I'm in an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship that had advanced twice to physical and could go down that road again. I was holding on the hope that he would "see the light" and change... That's not going to happen and I'm grateful to you all for helping me see that. Now I have to just apply all my knowledge to my life and make the change.

I don't mean to appear like I'm whinning and poor me either... just looking for answers and reasurrance. I will get to a really good point and then slide down 60% and I just don't get it. I'll see things so clear and then things get all clouded again...

Again I didn't mean to hurt any one or upset anyone... sorry

[chuff]

I didn't mean to upset anyone on this site.... I honestly took the 5th to ultimately protect myself now and in the future whether he gets put away or not. I can't be the one who helped put him there...it's complicated.

But it's not.

He's an abuser, you are the abused. To end it, you must leave.

It's not any more complicated then that. You can put other factors in there, you can use excuses but at the end of the day you just have to leave.

I didn't file charges against him. The state took on that case therefore they should keep me out of it.

The state took on this case to help you.

Don't get me wrong, I agree that the state should help those that can't help themselves like a women (or man) that takes abuse and beatings and really can't find a way out. But there's a reason the person doesn't file themselves....they are scared of the outcome...

Agreed. There is a psychology going on that prevents many, including you from leaving. But that same psychology that tells you "I want him put away but I won't help. Why don't they just do it anyways" is not reasonable or fair to society as a whole. Invoking the 5th is so you don't have to incriminate yourself, your birth right as a citizen and one you shoule truly cherish as other countries don't allow such things. So for you to use it to esstenially let him get away with and then turn around and say "Well why can't they just put him away because of police statements and photos" is asking for some special right. I'm not saying he's right, I'm saying you as a woman have a lot of power in this country, and have rights that women in 2009 in other countries don't. You have the resources to and birth right to end this. If you won't, there is a underlying psychology of fear that is there and I recognize that, but don't tread on everybody else's rights. I don't wish for you to be in this situation, I wish for you to empower yourself and get out. I wish for you to trully accept your birth right and inner strength to end this. But the state can't do it for you, you can do for you.

You obviously keep coming here, you obviously know there is a problem, and you obviously are not a quitter. You have every tool available, and you have the state on your side. You have a lot in your corner so you have to act on it. Sitting by waiting hasn't worked for you so far, and you have momemtum in you favor so it up to you to follow it through.

I posted on this site because I was confused and scared and really wanted to determine if I was truly in an abusive relationship or just over exaggerating things or situations. With all of your help I know I'm in an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship that had advanced twice to physical and could go down that road again. I was holding on the hope that he would "see the light" and change... That's not going to happen and I'm grateful to you all for helping me see that. Now I have to just apply all my knowledge to my life and make the change.

Well you should continue coming here and perhaps more often to continue building your strength or just accept that you have it and apply it.

I don't mean to appear like I'm whinning and poor me either....just looking for answers and reasurrance. I will get to a really good point and then slide down 60% and I just don't get it. I'll see things so clear and then things get all clouded again...

Again I didn't mean to hurt any one or upset anyone...sorry

I'm not hurt but your attitude of "let someone else take care of it" speaks to part of your problem. You were just going to wait for the state to do something, just like you are going to wait for him to leave you. You are giving your power away. When more power comes to you and you can take action, you give it away. I understand fear keeps you in a certain place because to a certain degree it keeps everybody in a certain place in different situations. But you have power and the gov't gives you power and you took the two options they gave you, testoimony or silence and choose the one that helps him. In the end the one hurting is you, and believe me I don't want to see you hurt but you have to use your rights here. This can be solved, this can be won, and this can take you to a good place, but nobody else can do it for you.

[liz28]

Nobody thanks your whinning but everyone wants you to get it through your head that your better off without him--but you don't get it yet. He is a loose cannon that can go off in any moment and the sad part is that he blames you for hitting you. What??

I hope you see the light one day before the clouds come because your holding on to someone who isn't worth it. And I think your staying with him because you don't want to start over and this is a wrong reason to stay with someone.

A man who hits you doesn't respect nor love you. You need to watch "What love got to do with it and Enough"--maybe these movies will give you the strength you need.

I wish you the best becsuse at the end of the day it is your life. But I think you need to go down another road instead of staying on the one your on.

[LovesAnimals]

Hi... thanks for the encouragement! I do really need to keep on a path to inprove my life and I know it's not going to inprove with him :(

Well, I had my day in court and I blew it! I didn't state the truth but I had immunity so I will not get in trouble. I knew the Judge wouldn't believe me though so they are continuing with the charges. I know that's wrong of me... but it doesn't make me the bad guy you know? In his eyes I tried everything I could to help the situation or that's what I thought he'd think... Instead he says I wasn't convincing and then tells me how I wasn't good enough on the stand. I was really sick at the time too. Nothing pleases him... unless they would have believed me but I don't think anyone would...

We've pretty much been staying out of each other's way lately. He stays gone most of the time hanging out with friends and only comes back to shower for the most part. I continue to work and work and then hang out at home doing the hobbies I like.

But just when I think he gets where I'm coming from, he sends me a message like " how are you hun...hope you are feeling better. Luv U"

I have decided that I am making a clean break after all the court stuff is over. Whether he gets off on probation or goes to prison/jail... we can not go on like we are. Since there is no turbulance and my life is pretty calm right now, I'm going to enjoy it for a little bit. The court stuff should all be done and over with in about another month or two. I've waiting this long... what's a couple more months right?

Any advise on how to break all of this to him when everything is done? I will not be moving but asking him to leave. I'm the only one on the lease.

[talaniman]

You can ask him to leave tomorrow since it doesn't matter what the court outcome is. An eviction notice? Just do it and not drag it out ant further than it has been already. Why? Just be careful, and have plenty of support around you.

[Synnen]

Serve him an eviction notice---with PLENTY of people around you when you do it.

And KEEP people around you.

He WILL hurt you again when he realizes you are GOING to push him out of your life.

And once he's moved out---get a restraining order.

[amicon]

This guy s dangerous.I agree completely with the two previous posters.you need to get rid of him now before it too late.

[Survivor07]

Well, you said it yourself, nothing pleases him. He needs mental help and he takes everything out on you. Please get him out of there.

I agree with Tal, the court stuff doesn't matter. There is no reason to wait. None. Just another excuse. I do understand, though. I just know you will be glad that you did.

You get a dependable support system around you, with you, in your home. Give him an eviction notice. Tell him it's over. The best way is to just do it and don't send him mixed messages. Just tell him it's over and that he needs to get his things and leave by such and such a time. Keep people there with you then and well after he's gone. Don't drag it all out. That won't help you (or him, since you seem to be concerned still about him).

Then, yes, most definitely get a restraining order so he stays away from you and YOUR home. Have the police there if you can. Call the prosecutor and tell them you want him out and need help. They know the situation you're in and are trying to help you.

You have to help you. You can do this. You know what to do.
There is no other way that will be successful. There is no talking to him sweetly, parting as friends. That's not what this is. He needs to be sent a clear message to get out, and stay out.

Be safe and strong!

[sully123]

What are you even doing with this man? Do you want to be dead on a slab. This man is dangerous. Stop making excuses he will hurt you. Go to the proper authorities and get a restraining order. He hurt you, and will be in jail for domestic violence. That is the law now.

[someone27]

1st, please get away from this man and seek help for yourself... please. Now, I recently left my husband in Dec 2008 and have no plans of returning to him. He abuses rx drugs and then gets physically violent with me and to top that doesn't remember doing such things!
When you're in love, you shouldn't be scared to be yourself or do the things you'd normally do... this is because you are happy... how can you be happy when someone says and does hurtful things. My husband and I were trying to add to our family of 3 but when I'd try to initiate sex he'd turn me down and be very angry if I objected or was just generally pissed, being my normal self. Ridiculous of me! Simply take the time to heal yourself and if love is meant to be it will work itself out and not be such a chore for him. He should be able to meet you halfway with counseling (if that's what you want once you get away) or anger management of some sort. Good luck to you! Its hard in the beginning but please know that this is temporary... finding love again, wasn't that hard and he treats myself and my son like gold...

[LovesAnimals]

Thank you for the advise on the eviction letter. Can I still do that when I do not own the property? I am the only one technically on the lease (because I had planned to move by myself).

The reason why I want to wait until after all of the court drama... is because I'm trying to avoid a huge conflict if I don't have to. If he gets sentenced to jail/prison time then I don't have to go through the actions of telling him he has to leave. I will simply pack up his stuff and bring it over to his mom's or hold it until he gets out. If he goes in we are filing divorce immediately and we already talked about that so I don't get hit with his lawyer expenses etc...

Also, he is in a really bad place right now and I think he'd totally loose it if I did that. I don't want him to have to go to prison, just let me go... If I ended things now it would look really bad for his case. Yes, I still care about him and I don't know why but that's how I am. We can't go back... but that doesn't mean he can't change and be good with someone else and jail time wouldn't help accomplish that. I've seen some changes but maybe a different type of person would be able to bring about more changes...

If things get to the point where he doesn't go in and I have to tell him to leave I will have people around me that's for sure. Shoot... he's not going to get off 100% and probably is going to be charged with a felony w probation at the least. I'm sure they issue a stay away order, although there isn't one now so who knows...

Thanks again for the advise... I'm hanging in and figure only a month or two more before everything comes to a head one way or the other.

[none12345]

Sometimes survival is knowing when to get out alive when you still can.

[bjohnrupp]

Get out of the house or get him out of the house!! Once he starts being physically abusive he's not going to stop!

[Survivor07]

Sometimes survival is knowing when to get out alive when you still can.

I couldn't rep you, Noney, but you're absolutely 100% correct.

[Survivor07]

If your plan fails, and he doesn't go to jail, which it doesn't look like he will since you're helping his case, I'd use the police to get him out. That's what I did.

I understand wanting to avoid a conflict, but it is inevitable. There WILL be a conflict over... something... anything and that one might be one too many.

[none12345]

I couldn't rep you, Noney, but you're absolutely 100% correct.

Its okay Survivy! Its good to have you back.

Or wait, you never left at all? LOL

[LovesAnimals]

Hi everyone... I understand the need to get out of my situation but why go through the conflict if I don't have to?

Right now he really doesn't spend much time at the house. He usually just swings by to get some food or shower and change and sometimes he doesn't even come back for days at a time. I'm not really dealing with any arguing really or confrontation so things are pretty mello and I'd like to keep it that way while I can and avoid being the cause of the problem (hence the object of his anger) if I can...

Yes, I tried to help his case or rather did not help them to prosecute him. My testimony did no good for him because they've decided to continue with the conviction and have not offered a plea. I know it's the coward's way, but this way I'm not the bad guy in everything. I tried to help... you guys understand? That way I'm covered if he goes in or if he doesn't. If he goes in then I don't ever have to deal with asking him to leave. I've been dealing with the situation for a while now so what's another few months??

I'm going to leave things as they are for now but if he doesn't go in I am definitely following the steps you have suggested to get him out of the house.

He has been nicer lately but I'm not falling for it again. Too much has happened and at least I realize that now... and before I didn't.

Thanks again for your continued support... I really need it now. Just like I thought, my friends and family are so frustrated with me right now and just don't understand. My mom is the only one who I really talk to any more. That's the tough part too... I feel so alone. The more he's gone the easier it is though...

Thanks... LovesAnimals

[talaniman]

I think eventually you will resolve your issues, and cut him from your life in a more permanent manner. Then the healing can really begin, and you can put this behind you.

[Survivor07]

I do understand and I'm certainly not angry at you. I get angry at the whole situation and many like it. But it will get better. I, too, think you will get rid of him... eventually.

Just think, who's paying for the water when he stops in for a shower and who's paying for the food he's eating? Whose life is on hold?

I don't think you're a coward and definitely not the bad guy. You are his victim. Your actions of not wanting to help convict him show you're a victim. It's classic.

Just keep in mind that even if he goes to a trial and is found guilty, he won't be sentenced right away and most likely will be able to remain free on bail until sentencing and then there's the whole appeal process... Jail is not a definite here and even if he does wind up in prison, it won't be a life sentence... just get that other plan ready! Be safe and keep in touch.

[ordinaryguy]

Hi everyone....I understand the need to get out of my situation but why go through the conflict if I don't have to?

It's a strange paradox, but it's your need to avoid conflict at all costs that keeps you in a situation where it's inevitable. To get out of this relationship, you DO have to go through it. If he does go to jail for awhile, he will probably be worse when he gets out. I just hope you muster the courage to end it before he kills or permanently maims you. Time's a'wastin' and there's no way to tell how much you have left before he snaps. Putting it off just makes it more dangerous. Do it now.