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LoveStoned · Mar 3, 2009, 10:53 PM

Wow... This is exactly why I picked my stuff up and left my ex without even saying goodbye. Out of FEAR. Didn't trust his reaction to situations.

Understand that he will never take responsibility for his own actions. In his eyes he did nothing wrong maybe just caught a little tantrum... yeah right... When your feelings are not taken into consideration it becomes a big traumendous problem. Leave. SERIOUSLY. If someone is truly in love with you, they will do almost anything to please you and not hurt you in any way.

It will hurt a lot. Heck I've even found myself chasing my ex to work things out but after a strict month of NC I now realize that cutting him off was for the best. I'm regaining myself esteem, hanging out with friends, and I realize that I deserve someone who will respect and appreciate me for who I am and not try to control me or what I do.

If you can't communicate with someone nothing will work.

mandywebster97 · Mar 4, 2009, 01:21 PM

Understand that he will never take responsibility for his own actions. In his eyes he did nothing wrong maybe just caught a little tantrum...

Listen, she is right! He is like a four year old he thinks it was just a temper tantrum but these kind of "temper tantrums" can kill you.

If someone is truly in love with you, they will do almost anything to please you and not hurt you in any way.

When you loved him, if you don't know did you hurt him. If you said no then why does he get to hurt you.

HistorianChick · Mar 4, 2009, 01:26 PM

You asked if your marriage can survive domestic violence...

... my question to you is "Why would you want it to?????"

If a man hits you, that should be it. Period.

Your children are at risk. Your life is at risk. Your children's lives are at risk. WHY would you willingly choose that life?

You don't deserve to be abused. Ever.

LovesAnimals · Mar 4, 2009, 04:28 PM

Hey... I'm still getting your messages and I'm really really reading them and taking it all in. I can't help but still feel like I'm going a bit crazy and can't believe I'm actually in this situation.

So, I was talking to my mom today and she said that she doesn't want to hear another word about what's going on if I don't do anything about it. She said I was starting to rationalize why it would be best to stay... I can't believe it but she was right!

I really truly understand his frustrations because in his eyes... he hasn't really done that much wrong to me that can't be undone and doesn't understand why I can't just get over it. He's admitted he was wrong and promises to stop the behavior so I should forgive and forget right? According to him at least. We are in the middle of couples counseling and I tell him I wish I could make it all better but I can't and I don't know if I will be able to. I try to be honest and he just gets mad and says I'm not trying hard enough. Same old same old.

What do I benefit from staying with him?? Nothing that I can't get from friends and family really... Am I really happy, no or I wouldn't be questioning it right? I just need to trust my instincts and go with it. Stand up for what I feel and don't listen to him complain about how selfish I'm being and that I don't take marriage seriously and I'm giving up. No arguing back because it won't do any good and no point but that's when he gets the most upset... no reaction at all from me.

I went and looked at another house last night and really... it's perfect and he bascially said that I would qualify for it because all I have to do is make 2 1/2 times the rent a month gross and I do. The house is completely empty and just looked so big and lonely. So of course I'm dragging my feet on it. I just can't believe I'm going to have a foreclosure on my record after I've worked two jobs for so long to afford everything... feels like I did it for nothing!

I had a reality check on how much my life is affecting everyone around me when my manager last night at work said I needed to pull it together or take some time off because I can't keep calling in on my shifts.

I just don't know who to trust with what they are telling me you know. Everyone here has made total sense and is expressing exactly what I know I have to do. It's just getting the backbone to do it right?

I didn't tell you all the last time he choked me I went to the doctor because all the blood vessels in my eyes were broken (completely red with no white) and I had lost partial vision for a few minutes and hearing for a short time as well. My husband was actually the one who told me I was close to death most likely... and said it calm. But later he cried about what he had done and said how much it hurt him. He's been sleeping really badly having nightmares and talking in his sleep so it has to be affecting him. Well the doctor reported him to the cops and I had the opportunity to have him arrested but lied because I didn't think it would do him good to sit in jail... should have done it... sigh...

He has been really good the past couple of days but started to get irritated again. I just don't get it? If I was the one who wasn't working, and was hurtful and mean I would be kissing his butt not being pouty and demanding. Then again I wouldn't have behaved that way either so...

I'm going to submit the ap for the house tomorrow morning and see what happens. They said it takes a few days to find out and I guess I go from there right?

Any suggestions on how to break the news I'm leaving? How much of the furniture and things can I really take. I understand it's community property so half but I'm going to be taking pretty much all the debt so... I just don't see him stepping aside for me to actually move out though... it's going to be a mess! :(

Justwantfair · Mar 4, 2009, 05:06 PM

Originally Posted by LovesAnimals

Any suggestions on how to break the news I'm leaving? How much of the furniture and things can I really take. I understand it's community property so half but I'm going to be taking pretty much all the debt so.... I just don't see him stepping aside for me to actually move out though...it's going to be a mess! :(

OMG, you don't break the news that you are leaving, you don't tell him where you are going, you don't have a conversation, you call the cops to escort you to your home to get your things and you leave, no forwarding address, no trail for him to follow. He is going to blow when he finds out, you don't have a conversation about it. File a restraining order.

Call the battered women's hotline, find a battered woman shelter in your area. YOU NEED SUPPORT. You will rationalize yourself right back into staying. GET OUT!

LovesAnimals · Mar 9, 2009, 11:45 AM

So everyone has made so much sense and it's all things I know deep down. Thank you so much!

So I talked to my counselor on Thursday and she said I should have a conversation with my husband about ending things. He had text me the night before saying that he was no good and that we could sit down on Friday and figure out how to get me out of our horrible financial situation and then he'd be out of my life forever. So I decided to call him out on that and say he was right and that nothing is permanent but it needs to be done.

Then... my husband sent me a text that I got a letter from the DA. When I went to the doctor after the second incident she called the cops and reported it because I'd told her he did it. The sheriff took a statement and I said I wasn't pressing charges. Well, an investigator came to visit me and I told him he didn't attack me and that it was just horse play. I told him I stated otherwise to the doctor because I was mad at him and also was embarrassed. I eluded that the horseplay was sexually related.

The letter stated that the state was pressing charges. I thought everything was done with because it's been over 2 months! Now they are pressing charges of "assult with a deadly weapon, non-firearm" and "coporal crimes/spouse". I don't think I want to be with him any more but I don't want him to go to prison either! I don't think it would help him at all... just make him worse. I promised him I would stick to the fact it was just fooling around and hope for the best and that even though I'm not okay with "us" I wouldn't leave him alone in this and would be there for him.

So now I have to deal with this... working two jobs... and trying to either rent or keep my house. I don't know why I am not completely falling apart right now... I think I'm in denial of everything going on and dealing with every day decisions like what to eat helps me get through the day...

Just when things can't get worse... they do!

Justwantfair · Mar 9, 2009, 12:07 PM

Originally Posted by LovesAnimals

I don't think I want to be with him any more but I don't want him to go to prison either! I don't think it would help him at all...just make him worse. I promised him I would stick to the fact it was just fooling around and hope for the best and that even though I'm not okay with "us" i wouldn't leave him alone in this and would be there for him.

How will you feel when he finds his next victim to vent his frustrations on?

You are not helping him, by lying and protecting him. Your husband has a problem. You enabling is not going to help you seek ANY closure in this matter and this is just another way for him to manipulate you into staying involved in his life.

If your husband wasn't in the wrong there would not even be a possibility of prison looming over his head, this is NOT your battle, you didn't mess up. YOU DON'T HAVE THE PROBLEM (except him), the problem is his.

UnluckyDucky · Mar 9, 2009, 12:09 PM

Originally Posted by LovesAnimals

So everyone has made so much sense and it's all things I know deep down. Thank you so much!

So I talked to my counselor on Thursday and she said I should go ahead and have a conversation with my husband about ending things. He had text me the night before saying that he was no good and that we could sit down on Friday and figure out how to get me out of our horrible financial situation and then he'd be out of my life forever. So I decided to call him out on that and say he was right and that nothing is permenant but it needs to be done.

Then....my husband sent me a text that I got a letter from the DA. When I went to the doctor after the second incident she called the cops and reported it because I'd told her he did it. The sheriff took a statement and I said I wasn't pressing charges. Well, an investigator came to visit me and I told him he didn't attack me and that it was just horse play. I told him I stated otherwise to the doctor because I was mad at him and also was embarassed. I eluded that the horseplay was sexually related.

The letter stated that the state was pressing charges. I thought everything was done with because it's been over 2 months! Now they are pressing charges of "assult with a deadly weapon, non-firearm" and "coporal crimes/spouse". I don't think I want to be with him any more but I don't want him to go to prison either! I don't think it would help him at all...just make him worse. I promised him I would stick to the fact it was just fooling around and hope for the best and that even though I'm not okay with "us" i wouldn't leave him alone in this and would be there for him.

So now I have to deal with this...working two jobs...and trying to either rent or keep my house. I don't know why I am not completely falling apart right now... I think I'm in denial of everything going on and dealing with every day decisions like what to eat helps me get through the day...

Just when things can't get worse...they do!

I believe that the doctor was legally obligated to report any crimes to the police so I can't fault them in doing so. Things might seem pretty bad to you right now, but this might be the sort of wake-up call/kick in the pants your husband needs. I can't say I'm in agreement with you lying (perjury) to protect your husband - the doctor obviously found that the physical evidence was enough to think otherwise and I think you should come clean. Don't put yourself in jeopardy by lying any further.

You need to stop protecting your husband. You are not responsible for him. You let him off way too easy when you didn't press charges. May I politely remind you that he nearly killed you. I know you still love him but that doesn't forgive what he did to you and now the law wants to make sure he's punished for his actions. As it looks like there is really no way out of this situation, hopefully the state will recognize that he needs psychological help and get him the help he needs.

darkvision · Mar 9, 2009, 01:20 PM

Im sorry I found this one late. But my advice is going to be along the lines of what others have posted. GET OUT NOW!! NO man should ever treat you that way. The first time it happened you should have called the cops and got out of dodge. It sounds like your mom is willing to help which is great! Call your mom say mom I'm bringing the kids over were coming to stay for a few weeks till I can line up another place to stay.

As other members have said get him arrested! He almost killed you that is attempted murder and he admitted it! Don't let someone else become his victim.

Also calling the cops before you start packing would be a good idea, men like him are cowards and won't do anything in front of them, ensuring you and your children get out safely. Don't worry if you have to leave some stuff behind, it can be replaced, your lives cant!

HistorianChick · Mar 9, 2009, 01:20 PM

So I talked to my counselor on Thursday and she said I should have a conversation with my husband about ending things.

PLEASE get yourself a new counselor. Any counselor worth her/his salt - or the paper their degree was printed on - would advise you to get yourself out of this volatile situation PRONTO... no explanations, no "chats", no conversations, just OUT. Don't you realize that if you "have a conversation" with him about your intent to leave, he could seriously hurt you, or even, Heaven forbid, do worse and permanent damage??

He had text me the night before saying that he was no good and that we could sit down on Friday and figure out how to get me out of our horrible financial situation and then he'd be out of my life forever.

I hope that you're not going to willfully choose to trust a man that hits women. Nothing he says can or should be trusted.

I promised him I would stick to the fact it was just fooling around and hope for the best and that even though I'm not okay with "us" I wouldn't leave him alone in this and would be there for him.

Please don't lie for him. A person should never be asked to lie for someone else. Ever. ESPECIALLY in this situation.

So now I have to deal with this.

Please get some help... you don't have to deal with this alone. Your Mother knows that you need to get out of this situation... let her help you. Please.

JudyKayTee · Mar 9, 2009, 01:25 PM

Originally Posted by HistorianChick

PLEASE get yourself a new counselor. Any counselor worth her/his salt - or the paper their degree was printed on - would advise you to get yourself out of this volatile situation PRONTO... no explanations, no "chats", no conversations, just OUT. Dont' you realize that if you "have a conversation" with him about your intent to leave, he could seriously hurt you, or even, Heaven forbid, do worse and permanent damage????? .

Agreed - shocking advice. There was a terrible case which set precedent in NY some years ago. Woman wanted a divorce due to husband's temper and rage. Went to a counseller. She retained an Attorney. Attorney sent letter to husband because counsellor advised her not to just walk out. He got letter, she came home from work, he killed her. Left 5 children without a mother. He got life. Children also no longer had father. Horrible, horrible case. I don't know how the suit against the counsellor was settled.

I take the position if a woman says he's violent and she's afraid... believe her.

Get out now, however, whenever, do what it takes.

starbuck8 · Mar 9, 2009, 01:37 PM

Okay, you need to listen to me, and you need to listen very carefully all right?

DO NOT protect him from going to jail! DO NOT lie for him! He NEEDS to go to jail, and you NEED to not contact him any further! You are doing him or yourself NO FAVOURS by not putting him where he belongs.

Do you know what is going to happen? He IS going to do this to you again. His words are just noise. Do you remember the story about the boy who called wolf? Well you are being the girl who called wolf, and sooner than later, the cops ARE NOT going to take you seriously anymore! They will see who called, and they will take their time to get there, because they know that you always want to drop the charges and lie for him. They aren't stupid! They KNOW you are lying! By that time you could be DEAD!

Why do I know this you may ask? I was YOU sweetheart... I WAS YOU! Do you want me to list the number of bones in my body that were broken? Or the number of hospital visits I made and lied about because I was threatened? Everything in your story was ME!. and I was there longer than you. It doesn't get BETTER! It gets much WORSE! Trust me, you could very likely end up dead. This is nothing to take lightly!

Cut off all contact, period! Find a new counsellor, because the one you have is BRAIN DEAD, and find someone that is qualified in handling abuse cases. Find a safe place to live and let the lawyers handle anything that involves contact. Do NOT tell him you're leaving, DO NOT tell him where you are going. Plan ahead, wait until he's out of the house, or bring the authorities with you and GO!

If you don't have a place yet, go to a battered woman's shelter in your area. You will be safe there. At the very least, go to a friend or family member and stay with them, but let the cops know that is where you are, and tell them the situation.

You need to get out PERIOD!

talaniman · Mar 9, 2009, 01:38 PM

Leave him to cut a deal with the prosecuters on his own, and worry about what you have to do for your own life.

Time to be selfish, and protective of your own, and let everyone else take responsibility for their own actions.

Stringer · Mar 9, 2009, 03:09 PM

I was involved in the same situation. My mother, bless her soul, lived through verbal and physical abuse to an extent that I really don't want to go into here. But I can tell you that she said that she 'stayed' because of 'us' kids... she kept forgiving him and saying that 'you have to understand the pressures he is going through.'

WHAT? For all those years! He had her scared to death!

I have to say that except for this (really big) flaw, we were a caring and wonderful woman, very smart woman whose capacity for loving was boundless... But clueless when it came to her own life.

When we were older and left home we all (all eight of us; her kids and his) begged her to leave and come live with one of us...

We told her that we would 'have it out with him or at least sit him down to straight talk" Her final argument was.. 'please don't, he will only take it out on me... ' She wouldn't leave and we couldn't intervene...

She said that 'he is better', 'he loves me in his own way', 'he doesn't really mean it'...

She put up with his CRAP and abuse for over 26 years! I don't understand, but I do know that she even would take the blame for things that we did as kids 'so daddy won't get mad!' I found this out much later...

Finally... he died, I did not go to his funeral and neither did most of his kids... we actually felt relieved...

Mom finally opened up and began to live her live, she traveled, she visited all of us in various parts of this country and 'came alive' for what I think was the first time... now, she was smiling much more...

I made a blood promise to myself that I would never spank, hit or abuse my kids or my wife... never and I would use 'him' as an example of how NOT to be...

My point is this LovesAnimals, HE WILL NEVER CHANGE! Please leave now, get away from him, start the first day of your new life, cut the cord hon, IT WILL NOT EVER GET BETTER only worse... I really pray that you leave and are safe.

I'm sorry, but stop and think for a moment, some of this problem is the low respect that you have for yourself... you need to change that, you need to start building you own life...

Stringer

liz28 · Mar 9, 2009, 04:07 PM

Please leave! My cousin almost lost her life due to domestic violence. Her boyfriend beat her for years and nobody in my family knew about it until he beat her with a bat and made her blind in one eye. Now she has to wear a patch on her right eye and to this day she stills has nightwares about the abuse.

So please don't defend him because a man that would hit, choke, threaten you, or cause any bodily harm to you isn't a man at all because a real man would walk away to cool his head befores it even gets to that point. Believe it or not you're the victim and need to protect yourself because what you had with this guy isn't love. You need to gather all the strength from within and stand strong. Talk to others women that walked in your shoes by joining a support group but put this guy in jail and I bet you he won't survive and guys in jail don't like to hear about guys like him.

Also, if you don't have nobody to stay with or a support system you can always go into a domestic violence shelter ana they would help you with everything you need to help you recover.

talaniman · Mar 9, 2009, 04:13 PM

Do you know what happens to victims who drop charges against their abusers?

They are not taken seriously by police, family, or friends. That will leave you vulnerable to whatever he gets away with.

Protect yourself.

liz28 · Mar 9, 2009, 04:16 PM

The domestic violence hotline number is 1-800-799-safe. They can made arrangements to pick you up from wherever your at. And help you by providing housing, counseling, support groups,etc

Stringer · Mar 9, 2009, 04:25 PM

To me, a man who hits a woman or a child... isn't a man at all...

What's he is really saying to you? I can't compete with you intellectually so I have revert to violence and abuse..

Not a man at all... (period)

diorgirl2382 · Mar 10, 2009, 11:04 PM

and he choked me. He moved back.

This cannot be good. Both of you need to be away from one another as you both seem psychologically fused together. For whatever reason, yourself worth is so low, your judgement is clouded into thinking being choked is acceptable. His is obviously clouded, if he thinks it is OK to do that to someone. I am not trying to defend him in ANY way, but... Obviously he must be miserable to have to stoop to such a disgusting level. I can only imagine how ty he must feel about himself. Regardless if he does or does not, the bottom line is that you two are toxic for one another AT THIS POINT. For one to think a certain behavior is acceptable to DO, while the other thinks it is acceptable to DEAL WITH--there are serious underlying issues that need to be fixed. I hate to say the solution is to leave a marriage, but then again... I definitely do not advise living a life being disrespected in any way. He's crossed some major lines, and the fact that you even bothered to ask about advise shows it bothered you. Please walk away with your dignity, I promise you will love yourself for it later on. You deserve it... for yourself.

LovesAnimals · Mar 11, 2009, 10:54 AM

Hey... I'm back and still reading all your great comments. I was mistaken about what my counselor had suggested. She wanted me to tell him it was done but wanted someone... friend or cops... there because of the kind of reaction he might have. I didn't talk to him about all that though because of everything else going on.

The last person who wrote sounds exactly like my counselor. She says I have to unhealthly draw or need to my husband that doesn't allow me to leave. She says I'm actually hurting him by staying. She can see how much everything confuses me and how much I really do love him. The problem is that his constant want of things and his own way and treatment of me... changed who I was. I had resentment that built up slowly and I would just ignore it instead of addressing things... Now it's caused all this drama and nonsense to happen.

The really sad part is that I've always (in the past) been able to overlook all the bad and focus on the good and we move forward in our own demented way and now I just can't let go and do that. I know too much. I know our relationship is not healthy for either one of us right now and maybe never... I try to explain all this to him and he just doesn't get it. We need to have space and time to heal and fix ourselves so we can both be in healthy relationships whether with each other or not. I just put a stop to the cycle and things spiraled out of control!

I know what needs to be done and I think I'm in a better state of mind with our relationship or lack there of.

There is just too much going on for me to handle right now... I'm trying to work both jobs, figure out where to live (haven't paid on the mortgage and I'm approved for a place to rent). Now that he's getting the unemployment again and with both jobs I'm sure I can get the mortgage paid and hopefully caught up but should I even bother with everything else going on? My husband is facing prison time for the things he did to me.

My good sense tells me "what the hell are you doing women!" sticking by a man that almost killed you! He needs to have consequences to his actions or he's never going to learn or change... Unfortunately I think he's going to have some pretty big consequences...

So... this is where I'm at...

I know we can't be together for the good of me and the good of him but I'm not going to leave him alone in dealing with the charges. Even though I know his actions put him in this position I can't help feeling responsible for bringing them on because I told the doctor the truth! I told the truth! I'm not going to deny that he choked me but I am going to say it was horseplay and he doesn't deserve to go to prison for years. Maybe they will get him the help he needs.

He's got some fantasy that we are still going to be okay in the end even though I tell him I'm not okay with him or us to this day! I try to be as honest as I can...

Thanks for all the advise and believe it or not it's really helped me to sort through some things on the seriousness of everything. I do have escape plans in place and codes if something is wrong. I more fully understand what needs to be done but I have to do it in baby steps for me... I have come to the conclusion that I need to take ownership of things and make actions in my life to resolve the problems... One step at a time...

Thank you all