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A4Effort · Feb 22, 2009, 10:51 AM

Well, I am one of those. I am broke up with my my true love, my soul mate, my life partner, and decided to look for help everywhere. I committed all of the usual mistakes: calling often, arguing with the ex, begging to get back together, etc... You name it, I've done it. I am still in the recovery stage and have been feeling depressed for the last 2-3 weeks.

Here is what happened between the two of us. We have been dating for 1.5 years and everything started great. We had our fights here and there but nothing too serious. As the time past we started arguing more and more. She also started thinking about the future. I was committed and wanted a long term relationship. She wanted the same but had doubts in her mind. We are both in college and one day she tells me that she wants to go out and experience. She was looking for space and have some time to explore. She told me that she did not want to be with me while she had these thoughts and did not want to hurt me by staying with me for longer. She couldn't get herself to break up with me, so I decided to do it for her because I understood that she needed to do this. The break up was the most painful thing I've ever experienced. I want her to be happy even if it is with another person. She started dating right after we broke up and it has not made it easier on me. We also live right next to each other on the same dorm floor one room away from each other. I went on dates too but couldn't get myself to stop thinking about her. I've been keeping myself occupied but all day long I think of her only.

She was very similar to myself but she still was able to teach me much. We grew together as one and as individuals. Towards the end we were together so often that I started to feel suffocated. I wanted space at the time and now that I have it I do not want it anymore. We both want to remain best friends and continue talking with each other. I have read several article on this site and many of them stated that it is very unlikely that we will get back together. She still loves me and I her.

Well that is my story and I hope I haven't bored too many of you. Thanks for listening.

talaniman · Feb 22, 2009, 11:20 AM

Welcome to the forum, A4Effort!

She still loves me and I her.

That's only partly true, as the love has changed, and she no longer wants what you want.

Staying in contact with her, and her being that close, will only stop you from healing, and dealing with the reality of this break up.

Its not easy, but its important that you back away, and regroup, and rebuild a life of your own, without her in it. This will allow you to heal, and make better decisions for yourself, in the future, based on facts and not just intense feelings.

A4Effort · Feb 22, 2009, 11:28 AM

So, how do I maintain a friendship with her while rebuilding myself?

Also, I am afraid that I will not find someone like her because we had so many things in common. She is the one who I thought I would marry after college.

I do not want to loose her in my life.

smalltowngal · Feb 22, 2009, 11:43 AM

You're putting too much effort into trying to keep a relationship with her, whether it be as boyfriend/girlfriend or as friends. Right now, you cannot be friends. You can't sit back and watch her with other guys because it's only going to hurt you. You can't hear about it. And by being around her right now, it's inevitable that you will see and hear about them. And you can't build a life on your own if she is still around.

I agree that you need to back away. Is it possible to move to another dorm? Or even another room where you are less likely to run into her so often?

I wouldn't worry too much about dating right now either. You should date someone because they strike your interest, and if your thoughts are on your ex while you're on a date, then the person obviously doesn't strike your interest.

You should also find some activities to fill in your time. A study group, and exercise program, a part-time job, anything to fill in the time so you're not sitting around feeling sorry for yourself.

It's going to take time to move on, so don't put too much pressure on yourself.

A4Effort · Feb 22, 2009, 11:47 AM

Thanks. Yeah I've been keeping busy allright. I have 3 jobs and various clubs/activities and homework on top of all that. You are right that I cannot be friends with her right now and that I need to focus on myself.

Its very hard when we share much such as the same friends, and the same living arrangement.

It is just so hard to completely let her go. She was my first true love, I lost my virginity to her, and learned so much from her.

smalltowngal · Feb 22, 2009, 11:51 AM

And it's okay to feel that way. You SHOULD feel that way, at least for a while! After all, you did love her. I can almost guarantee for you though that the next girl who enters your life will be just as special, though possibly in different ways.

kctiger · Feb 22, 2009, 11:54 AM

It is going to be hard for sure, but the fact that you have sooo much good things going for you... well, honestly, that gives you a HUGE leg up on most of the people who come on here with a similar story.

Sadly this stuff happens, but you sound like a good guy with a good head on your shoulders. Friendship with her is not realistic right now... it is time for you to be selfish, and concentrate on bettering yourself. Enjoy the college years man! They don't last forever...

The pain is perhaps unbearable now, but you will get over it. Life is full of changes, and experiences like this, that forever change the way you do things. Now you know what love is, and now you can truly find happiness...

Welcome to AMHD!

A4Effort · Feb 22, 2009, 11:57 AM

Thank you all. This is a very inviting and comforting place.

Yes, I am very glad that I have things going for me. At the time we broke up I started thinking that I wasn't good enough and needed to change. It was a stupid thought. I will do my best to keep the distance between the two of us while I rebuild.

When can I start becoming friends with her. I know it will take time.

kctiger · Feb 22, 2009, 11:59 AM

Originally Posted by A4Effort

When can I start becoming friends with her. I know it will take time.

To be honest... once you truly get over this, you won't even ask this question, as it won't matter... you will know the answer to this once you no longer care about the answer to this... confusing, but just think about it.

A4Effort · Feb 22, 2009, 12:13 PM

One of my good friend/mentor told me how she went through the same thing as I did when she used to go to college. She ended up marrying him and they have been having 18+ years of nothing but joy.

This is something I wish could happen to us.

A4Effort · Feb 22, 2009, 12:29 PM

Finding another person who is like her will be very difficult. She had everything I was looking for and than some. There is not one quality that I did not like about her. She was beautiful, smart, social, creative, active, she loved art, she accepted me for who I was as a person and never asked me to change, she helped me grow and become a better person, and finally, she showed me what true love is.

smalltowngal · Feb 22, 2009, 12:37 PM

It's not time yet to think about finding someone else, and it will never be time to find someone else like her. I don't mean this to sound harsh, but if you were so perfect for each other, you would still be together. You even said that you were also feeling smothered. There are many women out there who will share your interests and love you for who you are. All you can do now is appreciate what you got out of the relationship and take the lessons you've learned with her into your next relationship to make it stronger and better. You're still focusing on life with her, and while it's going to be hard to let it go, you will slowly find ways to move on and make your life your own.

Alty · Feb 22, 2009, 01:15 PM

First, welcome to AMHD, great site, great people. :)

Second, sweetie, love hurts, breakups hurt, moving on isn't easy, but necessary.

We've all been there or will be one day, we remember the pain, the heartache, the feelings of despair, but trust me, this will end.

You need to stop thinking of her, move on with your life (easier said then done), stick to No contact and find happiness without her.

This isn't an easy road, lots of bumps, hurdles and set backs, but you'll be amazed how each day it will be a bit easier. Before you know it you'll be over this, and that's when you can move on, find someone else, and you will find someone else, I guarantee it.

The members here are great. Tal and Kc, Romefalls and others, well, they give great advice on breakups and how to handle them.

Whenever you feel the need to talk, come here, we'll all walk you through it, you don't have to travel the road alone.

Good luck.

A4Effort · Feb 22, 2009, 01:22 PM

Thank you for the support. This is just what I need. Being able to let all my troubles with the relationship off my chest helps a tremendous amount.

A4Effort · Feb 23, 2009, 11:32 AM

So yesterday she had a date and I had a lot of trouble with not knowing what she was doing, when she was coming home, and with whom she was. I tried to occupy myself with anything but it didn't work too well. I called over a friend and together we watched a movie. Later that night when she came home I decided to talk to her about having no contact with each other for a while. I told her how I needed to heal and I couldn't do it while she was around because she would always remind me of what I used to have. Also I would always know when she goes on dates. I explained to her how I needed about 3 weeks or more to fix myself again and that after my healing time I could start being her friend. I told her that I still loved her and that I want to be there for her but I just need some time to adjust. I told her that I want to get back together with her but I will not beg her nor will I be waiting for her. It will be very difficult because we have 3 classes together, participate in ballroom dancing together, and have the same friends. She became somewhat irritated and started to cry. She left the room afterwards. I wanted to follow her and comfort her but I didn't. The next morning (today) I talked to her briefly about the previous night and made sure that she understood my situation. She did understand the situation but was very sad that I could not be her emotional support anymore. I told her that I cannot be there for her emotionally while she is dating others because she would have the best of both worlds.

Well, its hasn't even been a day yet and I feel horrible about my decision. I hope that with time it will get better and I will either be able to move on or become friends with her. I really hope that we do get back together and have again what we used to have.

wolfgangqpublic · Feb 23, 2009, 12:01 PM

Originally Posted by A4Effort

So yesterday she had a date and I had a lot of trouble with not knowing what she was doing, when she was coming home, and with whom she was. I tried to occupy myself with anything but it didn't work too well. I called over a friend and together we watched a movie. Later that night when she came home I decided to talk to her about having no contact with each other for a while. I told her how I needed to heal and I couldn't do it while she was around because she would always remind me of what I used to have. Also I would always know when she goes on dates. I explained to her how I needed about 3 weeks or more to fix myself again and that after my healing time I could start being her friend. I told her that I still loved her and that I want to be there for her but I just need some time to adjust. I told her that I want to get back together with her but I will not beg her nor will I be waiting for her. It will be very difficult because we have 3 classes together, participate in ballroom dancing together, and have the same friends. She became somewhat irritated and started to cry. She left the room afterwards. I wanted to follow her and comfort her but I didn't. The next morning (today) I talked to her briefly about the previous night and made sure that she understood my situation. She did understand the situation but was very sad that I could not be her emotional support anymore. I told her that I cannot be there for her emotionally while she is dating others because she would have the best of both worlds.

Well, its hasn't even been a day yet and I feel horrible about my decision. I hope that with time it will get better and I will either be able to move on or become friends with her. I really hope that we do get back together and have again what we used to have.

You made an excellent decision, and try your best to stick by it. Don't even think about breaking no contact until you've shaken the desire to hope for a reconciliation. It's okay to flirt with the idea, but only if you can swat it away by realizing its unlikelihood.

A4Effort · Feb 23, 2009, 12:05 PM

I hate how there is no hope of getting back together even if we still love each other. :(

kctiger · Feb 23, 2009, 12:07 PM

There is a difference between hope and probability.. one is driven by emotion, the other by the brain.

It isn't probable that you two will get back together, yet you HOPE you will. You need to control the "hope" factor in order to heal...

A4Effort · Feb 25, 2009, 03:01 PM

Threads merged

Well, I finally was able to let my ex know a few days ago that I wanted to have no contact with her in order to start my healing process. She somewhat understood but still was very hurt by it. After only one day of no contact, she came into my room and cried her eyes out. I did not support her while she cried because that is why I decided not to have any contact with her in the first place. She broke up with me so that she could see what else there is out there and see if I was the one for her. She still loves me and wants to be with me. But I told her how I cannot be her emotional support while she dates other guys and heal myself at the same time.

So than she brought up this promise I made her before I instilled the no contact rule about how we would go celebrate a recent accomplishment of mine. So, I decided to honor my promise and we hung out the next day. It felt just like what we used to have and we even had sex. Before we went out to dinner I clearly let her know that the next day I was going back to the no contact rule until she has made up her mind about what she wants. She told me her ultimate goal is to be with me once she knows for sure that there is nobody else out there for her.

We ended that night on good terms and I have no clue how she feels today. I do not want her to be okey with the no contact rule because she will use that time and move on from me just as I am trying (but its not working) to move on and heal myself.

What do I do?

jman123h · Feb 25, 2009, 03:14 PM

The NC rule obviously helped.. she came crying back to you in one day. If she doesn't want to be with you that is out of your control. My girlfriend is currently wanting space and wants to 'find herself'. This sucks. You need to focus on other things as hard as it is and know that you have a long life ahead of you and if she isn't the one someone else will be. I was told this so many times in the past month and I'm starting to believe it. You may not be able to date other girls for months or even a year or more, but one day if this doesn't work out you will be back out there with someone who does know you are what they want. Screw them letting us just sit here and wonder what they are doing and if they are eventually going to come back. Live your life as a single person, not necessarily hooking up with other girls but do whatever you want and talk to whoever you want. If you are what she wants and she loves you enough she will come back. I feel the NC is hurting my chances as well but I hear from friends all of the time she wonders who I'm talking to and if I'm hooking up with girls. She definitely loves you and if it's right she'll realize that you are the one she needs.