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    crazyoverher's Avatar
    crazyoverher Posts: 319, Reputation: 6
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    #1

    Feb 22, 2009, 08:48 AM
    My GF of 5years is breaking up with me.
    HI everyone, I have been reading the posts for a week now and they have helped me realize that I'm not alone in my situation... nonetheless here's my story... Please give me advice if you can!! Thank you.

    Well, my GF of 5 years is having NC with me. I love her and she loves me but we had a big fight last week and now she isn't responding to any of my emails, texts,. and if she does, then it is a one word response. She has broken up with me in the past but we have always gotten back together. I came crawling back. Pleading, begging for her to recognize how special our love is.. and so she did.

    But she has a mean streak in her and likes to cut off contact with me when she throws her tantrums... I just done know if this is one of them or if she really broke up with me! That's my problem.. and if she did break up, then I want her back because I love her. I admit I have NO self respect anymore and she probably doesn't respect me.. but I don't care... I want what I want and I want her!! Please help me. What do you think? And if I have NC with her then, she will break up with me I'm sure and I don't want that...
    kctiger's Avatar
    kctiger Posts: 3,653, Reputation: 1319
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    #2

    Feb 22, 2009, 08:55 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by crazyoverher View Post
    I admit i have NO self respect anymore and she probably doesnt respect me ..but i dont care...i want what i want and i want her!!!! please help me. what do you think? and if i have NC with her then, she will break up with me im sure and i dont want that....
    I think, reading this paragraph, it presents a huge problem that will doom every relationship you have for a long period.

    Here are some finer points to consider:

    1. If she throws tantrums like this and cannot learn to communicate, then it ain't worth it, seriously.

    2. USUALLY couples that break up often, then get back together, stay in that same, stupid, wasteful pattern as long as they know each other. The problem is that neither of you two are strong enough to just let the other one go, as you need to realize it is NOT meant to be

    3. You are selling yourself out for something, that, judging by what you wrote, just doesn't seem worth it. You cannot lose yourself respect over this, period.

    You both need to grow up, learn to communicate, and get out of this dysfunctional and almost toxic pattern you have going. You may love her, but that isn't worth all of the drama and unhappiness that this is causing you. If she can't be mature enough to quit ignoring you and to let you know where the two of you stand, then screw her. Sadly, however, I feel that even if she did let you know it was over, you would go crawling back, like a dog, which would feed right into her hands...

    Personally, I would give her some time to get over her hard headed attitude, but I wouldn't put my life on hold why she struggles to formulate what it is she wants to say to me. This isn't fair to you. If she is already initating NC, then get yourself into that mode as well. This isn't how relationships work.
    crazyoverher's Avatar
    crazyoverher Posts: 319, Reputation: 6
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    #3

    Feb 22, 2009, 09:03 AM

    Those are good points... but she is so loving when things are going great. That's why its so hard for me to let her go... another thing... she is f... kn so beautiful... face, body... everything! When we go anywhere, men and women look at her! Anyway, we do have BIG drama.. it seems like it's a rollercoaster up and down... but when its goood its great! I've tried to tell her not to throw any more tantrums and she says: then don't piss me off and you knew that I was like this...

    So now what? What do you suggest I do?
    kctiger's Avatar
    kctiger Posts: 3,653, Reputation: 1319
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    #4

    Feb 22, 2009, 09:05 AM

    She knows she is good looking, and it seems to me she treats you like a dog, because she can, and because you act like it (sorry, but get some self respect back)...

    Now what?: Prove to her, and most importantly YOU, that you don't need her, and get on with your life. This stuff ain't worth it. I would also almost be willing to bet that if you don't go crawling back, and if you act like a man, she will eventually come back to you... but I don't think that would be a good thing either.
    crazyoverher's Avatar
    crazyoverher Posts: 319, Reputation: 6
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    #5

    Feb 22, 2009, 09:10 AM

    OK... so if I act like a man... does that mean I could just text her once... like "good morning" and that's it... you know? I mean its not like I'm bothering her or acting crazy and texting her all day... just once to let her know that I'm still here, thinking about her. OR... do you think that I should go NC... and if do, then what? The possibility is high that she will remain broken up and/or she will think that I don't care about her anymore. You see the quandry I'm in? Also, we have been together for 5 years!! That's a long time. I can't even imagine what it would be like to try to find another woman as hot as her... etc. help!! And thank you for your responses...
    unknown2world's Avatar
    unknown2world Posts: 5, Reputation: -2
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    #6

    Feb 22, 2009, 09:19 AM

    Reading this as a women's prospective I have to say maybe you can improve how u treat her and show her some respect. Women want nothing more then respect. They want to feel like they are on top of the world
    kctiger's Avatar
    kctiger Posts: 3,653, Reputation: 1319
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    #7

    Feb 22, 2009, 09:20 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by unknown2world View Post
    Reading this as a womens prospective I have to say maybe you can improve how u treat her and show her some respect. Women want nothing more then respect. They want to feel like they are on top of the world
    That is such garbage! She acts like a total immature brat and you think he should reward her? What planet are you on? Just because you have an opening between your legs doesn't grant you the power to treat guys like dogs. Get over that stuff. What points in his post did you see that would lead you to believe he didn't respect her? He doesn't respect himself... that is the problem here.
    unknown2world's Avatar
    unknown2world Posts: 5, Reputation: -2
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    #8

    Feb 22, 2009, 09:22 AM

    Oh gotcha I am sorry I read it wrong besides I don't date men SO I Don't know much about them
    crazyoverher's Avatar
    crazyoverher Posts: 319, Reputation: 6
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    #9

    Feb 22, 2009, 09:25 AM

    That's true... I have always treated her like a lady.. NEVER cussed at her, etc... and yet she has cursed at me... thrown me out of her apt... been mean to me... etc... and like a fool I go back and then its like she is thinknig that she can do whatever to me and that its OK... I am getting tired of that behavior but I love her. You know? And the times that I put up an argument, then she totally cries and says I'm so mean. Its like I can't stand up for myself with her even though she can treat me like dirt. I have a good self esteem in everywhere elsel in my life... but I just can't seem to be tough with her. :(
    kctiger's Avatar
    kctiger Posts: 3,653, Reputation: 1319
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    #10

    Feb 22, 2009, 09:27 AM

    Grow some balls and quit rewarding her behavior! Go NC and learn to build yourself esteem up. Seriously, you have let her single handedly tear you down. NO MORE!
    crazyoverher's Avatar
    crazyoverher Posts: 319, Reputation: 6
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    #11

    Feb 22, 2009, 09:46 AM

    You know that's tough to do... going NC. Ill do it if you think that I should... im here to get advice from anothers perspective, but are you saying that its not good for me to even just wish her a good morning or good night? If you say no, then OK.

    I do want her back but I don't want to be a doormat like I have been for the longest time now. And another thing, why is she doing this to me??
    ImTotallyLost's Avatar
    ImTotallyLost Posts: 134, Reputation: 24
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    #12

    Feb 22, 2009, 10:32 AM

    No contact. At all. No morning texts. No good night calls. Nothing. LEAVE HER ALONE. If she tries to talk to you, ignore her. She started the NC, now let her feel the pain. Give it at least a month before contacting her again. Don't worry about she forgetting or jumping in bed with someone else. Also, start considering that this time you guys broke up for good. It will make NC easier. Look at all the other interesting and beautiful women in the world.

    About the why... well, you might never know really why. But I can tell that her behaviour is very immature. It might have to do with she knowing she's beautiful and thinking that's all she has to do. But she doesn't respect you at all and you shouldn't put up with that. That's just stupid.
    crazyoverher's Avatar
    crazyoverher Posts: 319, Reputation: 6
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    #13

    Feb 22, 2009, 10:39 AM

    All right... thats good advice... its going to be hard though, because I do love her and because I've been with her for 5 years!

    The thought of her being with another guy just kills me though... and yes I guess she is very immature although she thinks she is acting like an adult... very mature about life in general.

    Do you think she will ever come back to me? And if she does, what do I tell her? NOT to act this way ever again??
    ImTotallyLost's Avatar
    ImTotallyLost Posts: 134, Reputation: 24
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    #14

    Feb 22, 2009, 10:51 AM

    Ok. So you need not to think if she's with someone else or not. Actually you need to stop thinking about her. It's not easy. But you must do this. Don't worry if you catch yourself writing a txt message. Just don't send it. Don't call. Delete every e-mail you write.

    If I think she'll want to come back? I'm quite sure of that. You guys had a pattern and she thinks she can walk over you anytime. The thing though, is that she likes the fact that she has power over you. That's the dynamics you established with her.

    That's why I think you should push her back if she comes. Just ignore her. She'll probably come with drama. Just don't give in to that. Give it time. And by time here I'm talking about months. Live your life. And don't wait either. Once you feel you'ready, start dating other people.

    I honestly think that you should never go back to her. It was an uhealthy relationship, from what you described. But if you feel she matured and you really want to try it again, only do it after a year. So that you can get some self respect and put yourself first in your life.

    Remeber: you are the most important person in your life.
    crazyoverher's Avatar
    crazyoverher Posts: 319, Reputation: 6
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    #15

    Feb 22, 2009, 10:58 AM

    All right... ill try doing just that. I think it sucks big time.

    I mean how do I get over someone that I am still in love with?
    crazyoverher's Avatar
    crazyoverher Posts: 319, Reputation: 6
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    #16

    Feb 22, 2009, 11:00 AM

    One more thing...

    Should I send her an email telling her that I'm not going to wait around anymore for her? And the reasons?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #17

    Feb 22, 2009, 11:06 AM
    I can't believe you have put up with her crap for 5 years, and done nothing about it. She treats you like a dog because you allow it. That's not healthy.

    Grow some, and stand up for yourself by leaving her alone, and get some dignity, and self respect for yourself. You need to be healthy, and happy, with yourself, before having a healthy, and happy relationship, and trust me, this ain't it, I don't care how hot she is. Her beauty is only skin deep, whats underneath is a very ugly person.

    should I send her an email telling her that I'm not going to wait around anymore for her? And the reasons?
    NO, absolutely not! Disappear from her life and get your own act together. That's the NO CONTACT you need!
    ImTotallyLost's Avatar
    ImTotallyLost Posts: 134, Reputation: 24
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    #18

    Feb 22, 2009, 11:29 AM

    Haha. Well. It sucks, indeed. I'm still struggling with me ending a 4 years relation (3 months break-up; 1 month NC), so trust me, I'm not speaking without understanding how bad this sucks.

    The basic idea right now is that your heart wants something that your brain knows it's a bad idea. So you need to override every single thing you feel it's a good idea, but you know it's bad. But you need to understand why you are doing this. You are doing this for yourself, not to get her back, OK? If you don't put this in your head, this will not work.

    The things you have to do right now are to focus on other aspects of your life - not on romance or dating. Go out with friends, entertain your hobbies and work... enjoy the fact that you have the freedom of doing whatever you want. Remove everything you have that reminds you of her. Box her toothbrush, clothes, pictures,. Your heart will want you to think of her, so you need to reduce the opportunities for it to act. That's also where the NC is useful.

    So here's what I learned: love is a very powerful thing. But time is as powerful as love. You just need to give it some time. I promise you it gets better. It will take time.

    To let you know my story... I was dumped without understanding why (sort of... I didn't want to believe, I guess) and I was deeply in love. "I want to marry you and have kids" kind of love. It took me 1 month after getting dumped to finally start NC. Which hasn't been as absolute as it should. Still, I'm finally starting feeling I don't love her anymore. I'm finally indifferent to what she thinks and I couldn't care less if she's screwing someone else... I can't think about it, but I can not care. And I'm finally able to go out on dates without really thinking about my ex.

    Hope it helps. Good luck man. It's the best thing you'll do.
    heartbroke's Avatar
    heartbroke Posts: 163, Reputation: 24
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    #19

    Feb 22, 2009, 12:03 PM

    She has you in the palm of her hand. You have no respect for yourself and she sees that. That's why she treats you like this. Don't give her the satisfaction of treating you this way. Disappear from her life. Most guys won't take this crap from a girl. She'll realize that if she goes out with other guys and sees that they come and go like ups packages at a packing center, because its her attitude that's the problem. Then it would be up to her to change herself. If she does decide to come back, then its up to you whether you want to accept her back and put up with her crap, unless she was willing and changed.
    wolfgangqpublic's Avatar
    wolfgangqpublic Posts: 189, Reputation: 29
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    #20

    Feb 22, 2009, 12:18 PM

    One thing to add to what has been discussed, in regards to the issue of her being with another guy.

    Accept it.

    As much as it might hurt, assume that she's either with another guy now or will be very shortly. Even if it's untrue, assume it. That way, when it does happen (and it WILL happen), you won't be quite as stunned by it. Upset sure, but at least you'll have expected it.

    At the same time, take time for yourself, and when the time feels right, go out and explore what you can with other women. Even if it's just first dates that lead nowhere, as long as you're genuine you'll slowly see the other options out there.

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