[Deeply in love]

Hello,
I'll begin by saying that my husband (15 years) was having an emotion affair, but he says he loves me and wants to be happy with me again. I was blind-sided by this happening as I have always felt secure and happy.

I'm trying very hard to be understanding as I am deeply in love with him, and I have found it in my heart to forgive him.

The newness and excitement of an affair and the flattery is hard to compete with or recreate, and I'm hoping that there may be those of you out there that could give me some tips so that I can stay myself but explore new options and not go back to the same ways that lead him to stray.

From what I gathered so far, it's not about the physical aspect, it's about the attention and him feeling that he was put on a pedestal by the other person.

Please let me know your advice, as I'm open to suggestions.

[valinors_sorrow]

I would attempt to help but I don't understand what is meant by an "emotional" affair? Was there a physical affair too? And I don't know why you are seem to be taking sole responsibility for it either? I don't see any mention of where he is in making amends for his actions and that confuses me-- is he making any amends? What exactly might you have done to deserve this? And why is he trustworthy now? I don't mean to pry, but it's a bit of an odd way you have put it and I am lost without some of this information.

[Deeply in love]

Hi Valinors_Sorrow,
Thanks for your concern. From what I've been told the affair was at a bar and there was no physical interaction other then kissing. Not to say that isn't enough, but that is what I have been told. I am not taking sole responsibility, I am hurt emotionally by what he has done to the trust we had for one-another, however I have been reading columns and advice that tell you to look inside and see what was missing that he was seeking. The one thing that kept coming up is how he felt like he could do no wrong in her eyes. He is making attempts also like taking me out more often and doing things I like to do as well as being open to conversations and supporting my feelings, but I want to be able to do the same. I forgive him but it will be a long time before trust can be rebuilt, if it can. It's very hard to break the monotony of our routines.

[valinors_sorrow]

Hmmm I am still confused. I am not sure this is what I would call an "affair" since it sounds like a one-time deal of going too far while drinking by your description. Did they see each other and go too far more than once? If so for how long? And it is over? I think its very important to know exactly what it is, how much damage was done and where you both are in the process-- and I am still confused about that. Also I still have not heard that he made amends, you know, like saying "I am sorry and it won't happen again" sort of stuff? Never mind all the taking you out etc. And while its important to look inside, the context you speak of it in sounds kind of goofed up to me frankly. You can't look inside for what he felt was missing in the marriage that if you pull it out now it will fix it, but it almost has that sort of tone to it-- and I don't think that approach is workable at all. You speak of being deeply in love and appear to be almost bored all at the same time even. Its very confusing. Forgive me but I remain unsure how exactly to help here. Maybe its me but it sounds like you have forgiven too soon without going through all the process and he is looking to make you happy by doing whatever you want, which isn't really a proper atonement. You both can't make an end run around this thing, if that is what this is?

[Deeply in love]

Understood. 4 month seeing her one or twice a week. I guess I sound confused because I feel confused. I am deeply in love with him, he was everything to me. I was comfortable with how we were. I'm not the sort to go out much, I would rather stay home and have an intimate evening, do gardening together, even work-out together. I'd rather rent a movie then go to a theater. I'm trying new things to create a sense of change I guess, too create the feeling of excitement and not just routine. Routine and Monotony were his words. If I were to describe it I would say it was cozy and intimate, but he seems to have been seeking more then that and I'm trying to put a finger on what it was, based on what he told me. Maybe I can't but I want to try.

As for his attempts, yes, he did say he was sorry and he did apologize and said he never stopped loving me and that he would end all contact with her. We went through days of conversing and displaying our emotions and feelings and sorrow and remorse. His emotional break-down was what leads me to believe that he truly does want me and needs me and is willing to try and be happy. I just want to help him along, I want him to realize what he is and can be.

[valinors_sorrow]

Is it over and did he make amends? This is really an important element in the picture so I ask for good reason.

[Deeply in love]

I believe it is and As for his attempts, yes, he did say he was sorry and he did apologize and said he never stopped loving me and that he would end all contact with her. We went through days of conversing and displaying our emotions and feelings and sorrow and remorse. His emotional break-down was what leads me to believe that he truly does want me and needs me and is willing to try and be happy. I just want to help him along, I want him to realize what he is and can be.

[valinors_sorrow]

Okay, thank you for doing some digging. The balance in your relationship sounds off to me and I will list a few examples:
That you call yourself deeply "in love" isn't working for me, long term relationships early on trade in "being in love" for a different kind of loving each other - its part of the natural predictable stages of a relationship over time-- with 15 years you should have passed through some of that by now. It suggests to me you may be in love with love more than anything in which case your partner at some point feels not loved, oddly enough because they aren't really loved, they are used!

We went through days of conversing and displaying our emotions and feelings and sorrow and remorse..

This isn't sounded very well balanced, too emeshed, codependent, literally not enough separate identity -- you each need to have your own reactions and they aren't the same ones either. And this isn't just the way you are talking, people talk how they live.

His emotional break-down was what leads me to believe that he truly does want me and needs me and is willing to try and be happy. I just want to help him along, I want him to realize what he is and can be.

You get to be his counselor or his wife, pick one. And "trying to be happy" is very naïve approach -- do you both experience trouble getting at and talking about what is the real problem? I believe you (and maybe him) need to start telling the truth to yourselves and then to each other. Here is a good example of a not-truth...

I am deeply in love with him, he was everything to me.

Either you were deeply in love with him and he was everything to you OR you are deeply in love with him and he is everything to you. Do you see what I mean here? You need to stop playing games with yourself.

I believe because of the depth of confusion I see you creating and the emeshed nature of your relationship, that the best advice to you both is to spend time spend with a professional-- a marriage counselor, so you are free to be the wife. The help you need is beyond the scope of a question and answer forum.

[Deeply in love]

Thank you. I see what you mean. I'm trying on too many hats. I want to be his wife, I want to help him (counselor), I want to be something fresh and new, and at the same time I want to just be me. I am speaking for both of us, and I shouldn't speak for him because deep down I can only process what he says how I hear it. I have to start considering the "me" in all of this, not the "us" or the "we". You may be right, I love being in love, it's all I've ever know, he was my first and only. My user name should Be "Deeply in love..WITH LOVE" perhaps.

[valinors_sorrow]

Thank you. I see what you mean. I'm trying on too many hats. I want to be his wife, I want to help him (counselor), I want to be something fresh and new, and at the same time I want to just be me. I am speaking for both of us, and I shouldn't speak for him because deep down I can only process what he says how I hear it. I have to start considering the "me" in all of this, not the "us" or the "we". You may be right, I love being in love, it's all I've ever know, he was my first and only. My user name should Be "Deeply in love..WITH LOVE" perhaps.

Yes, very good, you are on the right track here. And know this: while you are deeply in love with love, that leaves precious little room to have a real relationship with you. Its like being in a relationship with an addict. And the other partner feels empty because its like living with a vacuum.

I am glad you can see how bad speaking for both is, very very destructive to you both! There is a "me", a "him" and an "us" and each is its own part. You have the lines so blurred he must feel nonexistant and resorted to being intimate with someone else just to feel alive and himself. I am not saying it excuses it (nothing excuses it, frankly) but its how it happens.

You've been given a serious wake up call on your marriage. Please seek professional help. It could do the both of you a WORLD of good, it really can. Meanwhile try on a book called "Women Who Love Too Much".

[Amythest]

I agree with valor, definitely seek counsling because your relationship doesn't sound healthy at all.
As for trying new and exciting things, maybe you can role play? If it's the excitement and thrill of someone knew dress up as someone else go to a bar and have him spot you, pretend like you don' really know each other. . But only if you are comfortable with it. I'd seek counsling first though, it is just a "spice up" idea. But yes seek counsling first.

[brendae73]

If he loved you he would not have cheated! Sorry!how do you know it will not happen again and again

[beanster]

I am going through somethink like it,too.First off:spouses who cheat usually lie,too,so I wouldn't believe any word from him about it.Second,there are other ways to deal with the problems in the relationship but he chose to look for somebody else.I at first believed that it was my fault but I started to talk to others and go online to forums where there are others in my situation and gradually I started to see that yes,I am not perfect,but his affair was not my fault.it was his decision alone.Now that still means that if I want to continue in the relationship,I have to do some work,too,but still he has to pull his weight,too,and even more as he was the one breaking the vows.