[mebram]

I can't even remember the last time we had sex. Everything was fine when we first got married. About five years ago I went out with a female friend and she accused me of cheating on her, we have cleared that incident but things remain the same. She says that she has no desire for intercourse and that it hurts. One doctor told her that she's confusing pain with pressure and told her to try alternatives such as toys and videos. She said that the doctor was crazy and that she wasn't going to try any of that. I am not pushing her into having sex, I have been very patient. But it does get very frustrating to be married and the most action we have is a make out session, could she really be impotent and if so is there anyway to get her to be intimate again.

[Fr_Chuck]

Marriage counseling is a must, she is not over the incident ( and my never be) she may not even realise it at a conscience level.

She may be "feeling" the pain for a medical reason this doctor missed, so a second opinion from a gyn ( and she may even feel better if the doctor is a female)

After that the marriage counseling is a must.

[educatedhorse_2005]

Set another appointment up with a female doc.
Seek counseling.

Always take your wofe along when there will be other females around.
Then they do not have any doubts about your fidelity.
Have suggested lubrication or maybe just a hand job from her.

[LUNAGODDESS]

She sounds like... first how old is she... is she on birth control of any type... it could be something so simple as she does not want to be pregnant... if sex has become to painful for her go the doctor (female)and go with here... that will make such a big difference... you love her... do all that is necessary...

[letmetellu]

Ask her to please go to a Dr. It is possible that it could be something that could ruin her health. Plus if it is just a mental or harmonal thing it would be a bonus for you. I can think of many thing worse that a sexless marriage but I would still have to live one. You say that the only action you get is some make out sessions, do either of you have an orgasm during this make out sessions. Have you ever told her that you would like to make her have on or that you would like to have one.

[phillysteakandcheese]

While I agree with the above recommendations - counselling and a visit with a female doctor - I have to point out that there is lots of sexual fun to be had without intercourse.

I'm not saying you should be selfish, but honestly now - If she cared about your feelings the least she could do is "get you off" once in a while, even if it's just a token gesture while she works through her own problems.

I think there is much more going on here than just "intercourse hurts"... If she is unwilling to help herself, it's easy to see why she wouldn't make any efforts to help you.

I personally could not function in a sexless marriage... but I would do everything possible before deciding I had to leave the relationship because of a lack of physical intimacy.

[Amythest]

I think men fail to realize that sex really isn't just a physically thing for us women. IT is so difficult for most women to want sex with someone they feel emotionaly disconnected from. Possibly even spiritually. Sex may not even hurt her physically as much as it does emotioanly. She should definalty see a second maybe even a third opiion on the physical aspect of it, maybe counseling even. Have you tried romancing her, without expecting or wnating sex?just for the sake of the fact she is your wife.
Maybe if you could try that, as hard as it is forget about the sex part, just focus on some sexless romance, who knows it may be all that's really needed.
Do you tell her she's appreciated? Or that you find her beautiful, not as lip service but in sincerity of heart? Or do you focus a lot of your attention I want what's mine you owe me? If you are seemingly aggressive to her, she may shuttle off. Think of a dove the cleft of a rock. You got to do what you have to do to make her feel safe again. She may have forgiven you, even though it is unrealistic and never happened, but there was probably a eed planted there. Anyway she needs to go to a doctor, and if still nothing is found, then definaly try romancing her. I also get the hand job thing but seriously, if you are not careful your going to make her feel like a degraded peiace of trash and then you really aren't going to get any. She's going to loose more trust and hope in you. But what do I know...

[talaniman]

While I agree with Amethyst, a man must do whatever his wife needs to feel safe and wanted, respected, and loved, a wife must also do the same for her man. Honest communication is needed and any medical or physical problem must be addressed. Will she go to a marriage counselor WITH you?

[kp2171]

Loss of physical desire can happen, and usually does in most relationships in some degree, for some time. It might be a short term decrease for a time, as when one is depressed, phsically ill, or otherwise emotionally distracted, or it might more severe, as in your case.

Sexual compatibility should not be what holds or tears apart a marriage, but it is something that should be discussed and attended to.

Because a doc says she should not be feeling pain does not mean it isn't so. My wife's experience with docs and uterine pain (not vaginal pain during intercourse) went through three MD's who misdiagnosed, with two suggesting psychological manifestations. Well, they were wrong. Surgery by a somewhat reluctant doc who thought at best she had some adhesions found a cyst hidden from the view of the ultrasounds. So maybe she's telling the truth.

However, she might also be simply untinterested in sex. You say that it never goes anywhere. Does she enjoy your giving oral stimulation? Also, on a personal note, are you well-endowed? If you are it might be that you are hitting the cervix when inside her, causing discomfort.

I agree with the others in that the mental side, regardless of whether there is a physical etiology, is of key concern. You know that when your mind isn't in it, sex is as enjoyable. You need to lose yourself in the moment to fully experience it. I think there needs to be some frank discussion between you about sex. You don't know if something happened in her past and sex was never enjoyable, she just went along for a time. Or whether the incident with the woman became the cause of the mental block.

Before you push therapy at her, id try to talk to her about this calmly and rationally. She should at least be willing to talk about this.

As mentioned, there are of course other ways to achieve sexual gratification, but when you feel like the partner is simply "servicing you", well that's really not all that exciting now is it.

[mebram]

Thank u all for your advice, I have tried being romantic, surprising her with dinner and telling her how beautiful she is and all that other good stuff. I have never tried to force the issue, and I continue to be patient in the hopes that it is just a temporary issue,

[ScottGem]

Not to be a pain, but it might help if the correct terms were used. Impotence is a male affliction referring to an inability to have or maintain an erection. The female equivalent is frigidity which refers to being adverse to intercourse or unable to orgasm.

[mebram]

Thanks, I wasn't too sure I was using the right term

[Myth]

I have to ask... Is your wife on any form of birth control?

[mebram]

No she's not

[Myth]

The reason I ask is because most women on say the depo shot lose all sex drive and it will actually become physically painful. The other thing is I don't know how old she is but could menopause be an issue? No offence or anything, I'm just looking at all the possibilities.

[mebram]

She's only 32

[Myth]

It's been known to happen that early. Definitely, go and seek a second opinion and maybe try alternative medical help, acupuncture, massage therapy... etc. I know I probably didn't help at all but well I tried. I hope you both figure out what it is... Maybe hypnosis as a last resort.

[mebram]

Thanks I will take all opinions into consideration, thanks for taking the time to let me know what you think.

[JuLee]

Try talking with her about the things she likes to talk about or have interest in. continuation in that would first make her happy, which leads to smiles and laughter, then leads to kisses and last to love making.

Maybe she's like me and is just getting to that stage where she doesn't really enjoy sex anymore. I think if my husband touched on the issue more with me, I'd probably open up more and enjoy it more. Try that.

[Amythest]

I know it's strange but I tend to laugh and say I have a bi=polor sex drive... When it's there its extrem and when its not its nearly non-existant... maybe she's got it too? Has there been any other new findings?