[kaz_89]

Hi

I am having a lot of trouble at the moment, and have done for the last 1 and a half years. I am kind of with this guy who I love very much and he loves me too. We have no problems together at all, the only problem is my mum. She doesn't like him because she doesn't think he is good enough for me. Well he treats me like a pricess all the time, and he is always doing sweet things for me, he's a good listener and good to talk to and well I'm sure you get the picture. I can admit he isn't rich or anything and he is working, not at college, (he is 18). I am at a dance school and studying, so I am not wasting my time on him and not studying. So I don't understand why my mum won't let me see him, she says he's not up to my standards, and that he is a loser and that I should marry someone with ambitions and who will make a lot of money. The thing is I don't care about that kind of thing, (I mean I'm not stupid enough to think I can live on love-u know, because I know we would be fine if we were to stay together and the future). But I'm not happy at the moment because I want her to know, (she used to know but then she stopped me and now I'm keeping it from her). I hope you understand all that I've said, but I need some advice, I don't know how long I can cope being unhappy like this, I hate keeping it a secret, and I know that if I tell her, (which I have done before and its ended up in arguments and getting kickd out of the house etc) she will be sooo dissapointed in me for keeping it from her.
Please help :confused: :(
Thank you

[kp2171]

Your relationship with your mother is a unique one... you'll never have another quite like it. So it makes sense this is driving you nuts... you just want everything to be OK.

Well... a parent wants the best for their child, and sometimes we don't agree with the choices you make. Our daughter dated a jerk for 1.5 years... a guy who just didn't treat her well at all (different from yours I know), but there was not much else we could do other than let her make her own mistakes. Your mother needs to hear from you that you respect her opinion, but you don't agree.

What is her background in terms of relationships? Its possible something happened to her along the way and she's wanting better for you, even if her actions are misguided.

I also dated a girl for 7 years (2 HS, 4 college, 1 after) whose mother never thought I was good enough. I came from a poorer side of town and her husband was a doctor. Their garage alone was bigger than the house I lived in. the irony was that she came from a poor rural community, and her husband came from one even poorer, though he always treated me kindly and with respect. In this case, we dated and she simply mildly disapproved. It was noise we were willing to put up with.

Living with a secret isn't going to help you. Tell her you intend to see him. When she goes crazy about it do the best you can to stay calm. I'm guessing she has fears from her own life or regrets that are surfacing through this situation.

[talaniman]

How old are you? And do you think your age has anything to do with this situation?

[Wildcat21]

I really want to know why the Mom doesn't like him. The truth - what did he do?

I tend trust the parents in this at your age. There has to be more to this. More details plaeae.

[JuLee]

Wow, your situation sounds really familiar with mine. When I was 18, I met this guy 19 yo guy. My parents didn't say anything at first because they thought we'd break up after a while, you know puppy love. Things started to get serious after 2 years. I dropped out of college and worked but he didn't because he was still in school. He was a nice guy, exactly like how you described yours; listned to me, treated me fairly and was all a women could want in a man (minus some minor details) except the fact that he didn't have any money (and a bit on the conservative side). My mom, especially, wanted me to marry someone who was rich and noble because [she thinks] we came from a noble family and wanted him to have a nice stable job already to support me and would nag at me all the time and call my boyfriend horrible names to make me break up with him. She's tried setting me up with so many guys too and we almost broke up a couple times because of that.

Well, I've been with the same man for 8 years now and we just got married a couple months ago. He has treated me fair and been by myside through everything, in other words, he loves me to death, and I love him to death. Im so happy to have not listened to my mother on who to marry. I could've been with a rich man, possibly even a millionaire but what good does that do if we're not going to love each other conditionally?

I think you should trust your instincs and be with who you want to be with. Your mom only wants the best for you but she doesn't always know what's best. If he really is good to you like you say, don't listen to others then. Sometimes its like the saying, "too many chef spoils the broth."

[s_cianci]

Clearly, either your mother or you have the wrong perception of this guy. Try talking with her matter-of-factly, without arguing, accusing or blaming and hear her side of the story. Then share yours. In a situation like this I think communication goes a long way in bridging the gaps. Also, how serious are you about this guy at this point? Your mother's concerns my be over nothing if you're not contemplating marriage at this point. If that's the case then reassure her. That may go a long way in getting her off your back about this guy.

[kaz_89]

Thanks for your replies they are really helpful. Well I'm 17 and he's 18. He has done nothing wrong, that's what's so annoying and frustrating about all of this. If I confess to my mum about it again she'll go crazy I don't know what to expect and I'm scared of telling her. She wants me to practically be perfect. I want to stick to my opinion because I love him and he loves me and his personality is everything anyone would want. My mum hasn't had a good relationship in the past, especially with my dad, but I'm old enough and bright and wise enough to know that my guys nothing like my dad. I can understand why my mum is like she is about him but its my decision and I just need advice on how to make her understand it is, and how to tell her.

[talaniman]

As a parent I've always tried to keep the lines of communication open with my kids and watch and guide them and hoped they would be comfortable coming to me and being honest and respectful. I know for a fact your mom wants the best for you and a better time of it than she had, but you already know that. At some point she will let go a bit but for now I can only advise you to open a line of communication with your mom, no arguing just ask questions about life and listen. I just think you will have to ease into this and not just lay a bomb on her. When your 18 you'll be an adult but until then remember mom feeds, and houses you so, hey she may be hard but all her actions are for you and right or wrong she must be doing a fine job because you sound like you've been well raised so be kind, your chance will be here before you know it. Patience

[blueiman]

Your mother has issues. She should be supporting you and if she thinks it's a mistake with this guy she should love your own decisions and allow you to make mistakes and learn from them. Just like everyone else does. She is protecting you for all the wrong reasons. If she cont with this problem she will push you away and some day when she is old and needs you you will not be there for her. Hope she understands that... either make your own decisions and live with the consequences or let your parent tell you what to do and be happy with it.

[Skell]

I understand this must be hard for you and I'm sure you are old enough and bright and wise enough to make good decisions. But also remember that your mother is probably a little older and little wiser and a little brighter and she may see reason to be cautious about this guy that you don't.
I don't envy your situation as it must be hard to be in such a position but try to respect your mums position here in that I'm sure she is only doing what she THINKS is best for you.

Kep talking to her as best you can about this but don't isolate her from things.

This will only lead to matters getting worse between the two of you!

Good luck and keep us posted!

[kaz_89]

Thanks for your replies but I really need advice on how to tell her and let it out gently. I'm scared of going about it the wrong way. Thank you

[Krs]

Hi there.

Right, reading through your posts I can see you are in a lot of distress because of this. You want your mum to know how much in love you are with this guy and you want her to know that the love is mutual and you want to be together.

If what you say is true that he has done nothing wrong, then I would sit with her and explain in all honesty that you love him, it could be wise that you and boyfriend go in together and talk with your mum. If she loves you enough she will understand and expect this, after all I'm sure she wants her daughter to be happy!

I was in abit of a similar situation, when I was 19 I meet an english guy, to cut a long story short, we had a long distance relationship for 1 year in which that got too much to handle, so I decided to leave home (which bare in mind was not england) to go live with him in england.
I mean 19, well its still fairly young.
So both of us sat with my parents, obviously they weren't over the moon at all when I told them I was want to leave home to go be with him, but they accepted him immediately due to my happiness, they said " they would rather miss me, then say NO i can't go and watch me cry all time ".

Good Luck.

[talaniman]

thanx for your replies but i really need advice on how to tell her and let it out gently. im scared of going about it the wrong way. thankyou

You should be trying to open up a dialog with mom anyway, so the subject of dating should be discussed, listen to see if a window of opportunity presents itself. Nothing wrong in gently telling her of your feelings to date. Or to receive phone calls, or as Krs suggested clean your boyfriend up and present him to your mom, after properly preparing her for it of course. Or you can wait until your 18, but I suspect she doesn't want anything to stop you furthering your education though. Unless you can support yourself you have to pretty much go along with her program. Do you think she dreads the day you leave home ? Are you an only child?

[Krs]

Good question Tal... are you an olny child?
I thought of that too!

[kaz_89]

No I am not an only child, I have a younger brother at 13 yrs old. I am at a dancing school and I am a grade B student so not perfectly clever, and I'm also not the best dancer in the school either, probably just above average. Where as my brother is an A grade student, so really brainy, amazing at sport too, wins loads of medals and has loads of friends. My mum always says I need to be better and goes on at me sometimes about my brother; she says "he would never ever go out with a girl on the level of him, (my bf)" or "he tries really hard you know and he always gets As in his reports" "why arent you as good as those amazing girls at your school, you should be trying harder, and i want As this year!" but I do try my hardest and I can't be as good as my brother which makes it even harder because my mum wants 2 perfect kids, but I feel like I dissapoint her, which is another reason I'm nervous about telling her.
Yes me and my boyfriend have talked about polishing him up and then going to talk to my mum together. I am really nervous though and I don't know how she'll react or whether it will ruin mine and my mums relationssip, on the other hand I feel I need to tell her because I can't keep it from her any longer. My mum is a very persistent woman, for e.g I asked her last time if she wanted me to be happy - and that he makes me happy, but she kept saying things like, "well there plenty of other guys out there with money and who are very nice people too and can make you just as happy" everything I have said to her to make her see that we are so much in love and happy, for her to just accept it, she has always made an excuse for. I just can't make her see.

[Krs]

I think you need to explain to your mum that MONEY and material things are not going to make you happy!!

She also shouldn't be comparing you to your brother and other students in your school, that's unfair.

[kaz_89]

Yes I know I don't think its fari either. I have told her that money and material things are important to me but again she argues back and says "trust me it will matter when you can't cope etc" she really is determined to stop me from being with him. Anyway I'm going to try telling her soon. If I don't have the confidence to tell her soon, I will when I'm 18 in February. Thank you for all of your replies. Please, if there is anything else I should know or if there is any more advice you can give me, I would be really greatfull if you could send that too. Thank you

[Krs]

Its true what your mum says "trust me it will matter when you can't cope" but still its not a valid excuse.
I personally would rather be abit short of cash and extremely happy and in love then having money flowing in from all corners and wondering if I'm wasting my time with that man!
Its nice when you and your partner start a new life together which involves both working and saving your money together for the future, which you can do because you are both young!

Did your mum have a bad past experience with money?

[talaniman]

Just so you know, You can't see what she is saying because all you can see is your boyfriend. She wants you to succeed in life which means being able to support yourself. Don't wait 20 years to understand where she is coming from. You are still growing and learning and in the next 6 months you'll be in control of your own destiny. Be patient, Sorry I don't see the hurry. Read other threads on this forum of people who were in a hurry to grow up and get a life of their own only to see that it wasn't as easy as they thought. Plan now.

[kaz_89]

Yeah I agree, I won't be rushing into anything anyway I just want her to know how we feel about each other you know? Yeah my mums had bad experience with money, but she was with a man who didn't support her and who drank all his wages (my dad). My guy isn't like that, no where near like that! I would rather work hard for my money, same with him, and have it well earned and save up etc than be with some rich man in the future, who I prob won't be as in love with as my guy now, and keep thinking back on how much I loved my guy now, and be frustrated at how I didn't have the chance to even try a future out with him, if you get what I mean. I have thought about it a lot and I'm not stupid, a lot of my friends are aloud to make their own mistakes, and I know my mum is just looking out for me but why can't she just let me make my own decisions, its driving me mad! Today I went out with one of my guy friends, and my mum phoned me up saying, "why are you hanging out with him he doesnt go to college anymore he just works now" and "people can tell a lot about you by the people u hang out with" and "hes a bit of a loser, take a leaf out of your brothers book" so basically she's a snob don't you think?