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rg61fc · Feb 18, 2009, 09:36 AM

I love my wife very much but there is an issue that is driving me nuts. She has raised her kids to be completely helpless! They can not do anything for themselves. They are complete slobs, they throw trash all over the floor, walk through the door dropping backpacks and shoes where ever they fall. They leave dirty clothes all over the house! To top it all off they expect me and their mom to be their full time maids and have said so. They also have zero respect for their mother or me, they talk back constantly, call us names and tell us to shut up. My 5 year old step daughter is the worst, she is the definition of spoiled brat. It is so bad that I dread coming home, I get no alone time with my wife because the kids are so needy. I refuse to clean anything other than my messes now. I will not be a maid, and my wife won't follow through on punishments so I feel hopeless. I love my wife so much but I am completely miserable! What do I do??

frangipanis · Feb 23, 2009, 03:02 AM

You sound at your wits end. Is this helpful?

Supporting Your Spouse in Their Role as Stepparent - Being A Step Parent (UK)

It also sounds like you went from being a single male to becoming an instant dad. How long have you been married and how many step-children do you have?

Happygirl09 · Feb 23, 2009, 03:15 AM

Wow... there are some serious issues here. Number one being the lack of respect to adults. I was raised in the South and we would have NEVER disrespected our parents. Maybe you and your wife should check out a parenting class. There were obvious issues that your wife can learn to address that were there before you came along and there will be some helpful tips for you as a step parent.

DoulaLC · Feb 23, 2009, 04:09 AM

Is your wife OK with how the two of you are treated by the children? Does she see the issues with disrepect and would she like them to change?

No doubt you have discussed this with her. If you haven't already, form a plan for expectations and bring the kids in for a family meeting. You and your wife will need to form a united front so the kids will know they can't get around either one of you. It won't be easy to change the old habits, but if you remain consistent it will happen. Better sort it out now while they are younger as it will only get worse if you don't, and will likely take its toll on your relationship with your wife as well.

Jake2008 · Feb 23, 2009, 06:20 AM

That is a more complicated problem than can be solved by just talking to the kids in my opinion.

The kids obviously don't take effective direction from the mom, and haven't done so, long before you became a part of the family.

They are far less likely to take direction from you, being a step-parent, who is even farther down the ladder.

If together, you and your wife are unable to resolve obvious issues, that puts YOU between a rock and a hard place. You cannot tackle this on your own. Nor should you have to live without a basic level of sanity and respect in your house. Their living habits were long ago established.

There is absolutely no harm whatsoever in establishing behaviour expectations, and effectively learning how to maintain a civil household. I strongly suggest you seek out family counselling, by a trained therapist. You need to learn, together, how to effectively dicipline these out of control children.

As someone has said, if you don't learn how to get a grip on it now, it will only get worse.

Step parent or not, I admire you for stepping up and taking care of business. If more fathers did this, there would be a lot more happy households out there.

rg61fc · Feb 26, 2009, 01:08 PM

Originally Posted by frangipanis

You sound at your wits end. Is this helpful?

Supporting Your Spouse in Their Role as Stepparent - Being A Step Parent (UK)

It also sounds like you went from being a single male to becoming an instant dad. How long have you been married and how many step-children do you have?

I was married before with two kids of my own who now live with my ex and my kids would never have spoken to me like this!

frangipanis · Feb 26, 2009, 01:44 PM

Originally Posted by rg61fc

I was married before with two kids of my own who now live with my ex and my kids would never have spoken to me like this!

Sorry about that mistake. Does your wife agree family counselling is needed, because you really don't sound happy with the kids attitudes or the way they're behaving and it's effecting your marriage.

One thing I would say is that if you're comparing your own children with your step children, they'll all pick up on your criticisms and act out their hurt (they feel they're failing, don't think they can win with you, and so take it out on everything and everyone)... if that makes sense. It isn't necessarily anyone's fault, since it's much more complicated than that. It's just that it can easily happen in a step family.

I'm no expert, to say the least, as my 12 year old daughter hasn't yet adjusted to having my partner in her life and is still acting out her hurt and confusion (my partner and I don't live together, but hope to). My 18 year old son gets on brilliantly with my partner, so no problem there. What clicks into place with one child, may not be right for the other one.

There are all sorts of challenges in trying to determine the sort of family values you and your partner can agree to in the first place, and then working together to get the kids to want to come along with you. Let me know how you're getting on as I'm interested in this subject too.

rg61fc · Feb 26, 2009, 04:14 PM

Originally Posted by frangipanis

Sorry about that mistake. Does your wife agree family counselling is needed, because you really don't sound happy with the kids attitudes or the way they're behaving and it's effecting your marriage.

One thing I would say is that if you're comparing your own children with your step children, they'll all pick up on your criticisms and act out their hurt (they feel they're failing, don't think they can win with you, and so take it out on everything and everyone)... if that makes sense. It isn't necessarily anyone's fault, since it's much more complicated than that. It's just that it can easily happen in a step family.

I'm no expert, to say the least, as my 12 year old daughter hasn't yet adjusted to having my partner in her life and is still acting out her hurt and confusion (my partner and I don't live together, but hope to). My 18 year old son gets on brilliantly with my partner, so no problem there. What clicks into place with one child, may not be right for the other one.

There are all sorts of challenges in trying to determine the sort of family values you and your partner can agree to in the first place, and then working together to get the kids to want to come along with you. Let me know how you're getting on as I'm interested in this subject too.

My wife says they are just being kids and it is the parents job to clean up after them. My oldest step son is 13 and he stuffs his trash down into the couch cushions! He will be walking with a piece of candy, unwrap it and just let it fall out of his hand onto the floor!

frangipanis · Feb 26, 2009, 04:31 PM

Does your wife actually clean up after them? If she is and the house is looking okay, then no wonder she has no time for you.

Tell her the consequence of her not working with you to sort out a set of ground rules with the kids is pushing you away. For every action, there's a reaction, and she may lose you over something as petty as candy wrappers.

Fr_Chuck · Feb 26, 2009, 04:44 PM

Sounds like a time for a serious talk with mom, but yes I would not do any of the clean up, and I would start locking the computer wth passwords and more so the kids can't use them, and more to enforce some punishments

HighandDryinnNy · Feb 26, 2009, 05:14 PM

I see your posting about your wife controlling the money,

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marria...ey-322510.html

It sounds like you hold some resentment towards having to pay for them, while continually being disrespected by these children. It also seems like your wife has a lot on her plate, and by controlling you it helps her have a sense of control over what she doesn't: her kids. May I ask, is their father in the picture at all? What is his relationship with your wife and kids?

rg61fc · Feb 26, 2009, 05:43 PM

Originally Posted by HighandDryinnNy

I see your posting about your wife controlling the money,

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marria...ey-322510.html

It sounds like you hold some resentment towards having to pay for them, while continually being disrespected by these children. It also seems like your wife has alot on her plate, and by controlling you it helps her have a sense of control over what she doesn't: her kids. May I ask, is their father in the picture at all? What is his relationship with your wife and kids?

The boys father is in the picture but he plays more of a friend roll than parent, he does anything he can to disagree with my wife and make her look like the bad guy to the boys. My step daughter's father stopped seeing her when she was just a few months old but still pays child support.

DoulaLC · Feb 26, 2009, 05:49 PM

Well, if your wife doesn't see any problem with how the kids are behaving you don't have too many options... at least none that are pleasant.

Either put up with it... talk to your wife some more, let her know, again, how unhappy you are with the way the kids behave and that there needs to be some type of compromise, put your foot down yourself with the kids, or leave.

HighandDryinnNy · Feb 26, 2009, 05:58 PM

You must be the bigger person, and step up as a role model. It may take some time, but it sounds like the kids haven't had a very strong parenting force behind them. Why is it that your wife is so lax on her disciplining? You have to have a talk with her, create a plan to try to follow through on "crime-appropriate" punishments. My mother was the same way, and at first I hated my stepdad, because I thought he was trying to control me. Now that I'm older, I really love and respect him, he is the closest thing to a father figure I have. If you discipline, balance it out with family fun times. Try to bring them together as a family, and it may be hard but it will be worth it.