[dreamingsfree]

Married 1 1/2 yr to husband who has 12 yr old son. I have 2 grown sons. Plan was 1 big happy family. Now plan is just to survive and try figure out what next. Brief as possible, the day stepson, husband & I all moved in together , stepson had attitude but never showed it before. Husband refused to acknowledge problem and chose to give in to son and ignore and blame me. I never confronted until I found out stepson was being mean to my animals, telling awful lies about my treatment of him and to make it worse my mother in law apparently had hidden resentment toward me and marriage and was encouraging stepson. When all out in open stepson wanted to go live with his mother,husband granted that as long as he attended counseling. Mother in law continued to coax bad behavior and child's mother was again found not fit. When I was asked to go get stepson(husband working out of town for 30 days) I insisted he stay with someone else until his return. Husband told officials to send him to foster home ecad. Until his return hoping son would appreciate & learn to respect us. Stepson went to his Grandmothers(my mother in law)to stay until husband returns home. Grandmother sets him up to permantely live with her, gets temporary custody order and child continues to tell lies about me and refuses to live with his dad if I live there.
Husband returns home, mother in law tells my husband & I that I have done something to stepson that is unspeakable and she has put him in cousneling. When asked what it is I did, she replies no one is to ? Child , it would upset him too much. I offered to leave if child would stop lies and go home with his dad, he announced he didn't want to live with his dad because he didn't get to be in charge like @ grandmothers and moms. Long story shorter, court custody hearing showed child lied and that I was not to blame for any of it however I was ordered to attend along with all involved counsle with child. I have tried to believe child & mother in law are not out to destroy my life anymore but I see different. My sister, family, boss @ work all tell me not to let child back in my house. Truth is I am afraid of what they will say or do next . So big dilemma is husband gets upset about his son of course and blames me for not trying hard enough. I have thought many times of separation or divorce but when gets down to it my husband tells me no , he doesn't really want that, son won't stop acting out on him and his mother will always try to control his life as she has always done. What do I do?? We have court hearing around sept 4th and I am so caught up in this I really don't know if I am wrong for not letting son back in my house.

[Fr_Chuck]

Tell husband to get a life, let step son live with granma all he wants, she is evil, my mom is most likely much more evil, she has never accepted my second wife, tells our son in front of him that he will most likely die before she sees him again from the way we take care of him.

So I know the hell you are going though, tell her off, don't hold it in, and be blunt with her and husband and step son.

Demand your husband and you go to counseling.

I have stated it over simple but in basic there is nothing you can do against the devil in grandmas clothing.

[talaniman]

You and hubby need to talk and get your house in order only then can you deal with the son together. Grandma doesn't even count right now, and should be told to back off. Good Luck!

[Amythest]

I have no real expertise, only an opinion.
When I was young I hated my step-mother, I didn't mind her before, but once she became step-mom. She seemed evil to me. ( blame kid stories if you will )but years later, I grew closer to her, I realized she never really was the enemy, she wasn't trying to take my mothers place, she didn't hate me, or wish ill will on me. IN fact this woman loved and cared for me. She only asked me to do things because it was what was needed at the time. IN fact now that I am older, I ask her advice and consider her a good friend. So coming from the sons point of view, maybe that is what it is like. LIike who are you to come in my home, in my life and act like the queen bee? Who are you to tell me what to do, and take away my dad, your not my mom? Why are trying to pretend you are? Maybe he doesn't think you'll last, or you really don't care? In order to get anywhere, as hard as it is, you'll have to see Your new son's perspective, also I notice that you refer to him as your husbands son. This is also something that caused problmes with me and my step mom, I was my dad's child. That really hurt and so I would lash out. It felt like she didn't accept me. So on one hand I didn't want this lady to replace my mom, but I didn't want to be referred to as my dads child either. Although everyone is unique. Maybe with time this will work out. Like me and my step mom did, it took years, in fact it took me having no one to turn to and her just accepting me even despite the past that really changed my attitutde toward her, so as hard as it is, look for that opportunity. I know this hurts, I hurt my step mom a lot growing up, and she hurt me.

Also on the grandmas side, things to think about, is your husband the only son? Or favorite son?.
Does your husband come from a richer background than you? Didffernet cultures? Or religious tradtions?

It is possible that she too feels threatened, that you are going to cause her son to change in ways she fears, or that you may hurt her son. Perhaps she does not trust you in this way, in which you could only prove with time that "hey lady like it or not I really am here for the long haul and I do love your son". Another question is why did your husbands first marriage split up?
Is it possible if you were able to talk to the mother\ ex wife maybe she could offer insite? Maybe the grandmother has some control issue and doesn't approve of any woman?
In any case, biblicaly it says leave the mother and be joined to the wife.
So you could go based on that.

Husbands perspective, if your husband has been close to his mom, or has problems standing up to her this can be part of your problmes, at times this is what can be an issue. Maybe he has trouble distinguishing, he has knownthis woman a lot longer than you, so he may be more apt subconscoulsy to hear her first, this is not meant as a slap in your face. It just seems to be something that happens.

In any case I don't think you are wrong in saying you don't want your guy's son in your house, especially if he is physically disruptive and abusive.
But be careful that you aren't buying into the scheme of the grandma telling the son that you don't care for him, and see she won't even let you into the house, see she is trying to steal your dad from you.
Don't let the grandmother use this to minipulate you into being some uncaring monster your not. Because you probably do love this child and it is why it hurts so much.

[dreamingsfree]

Thank you all that replied. It is so nice to get others who are not involved opinions. I do know that Grandma is telling him these things but unfortunately I am reluctant to bring stepson back into home until I know her extreme negative influence will hurt all our live.

[LUNAGODDESS]

I see danger... I should get out of here feeling moment... Uhmmm... Questions does the child acts too young for his age; is hyperactive, restless; has he been cruel to animals or people…does he destroys his own things;... does he accepts hug from you and/or any one else?. suspect a behavior disorder.. . it sounds like your stepson's problems are of his own making and internal to him... you need an assessment team... that will involve parents ( mother and father for now... later Grandmother and You) then counselor and minister... this is going to hurt so hold your stomach... most children with behavior disorders should receive treatments and interventions in isolation from their families, homes, neighborhoods, and communities these problems may not have developed during your relationship... it would not surprise me that your husband was looking for a babysitter... he is 12 years old and early identifications should help the problem... so continue your efforts to focus on his behavior... establish family rountine and give incentives that reward his good behavior;give yourself a break regularly... something that involves just you... go to a spa... somethng else do not be confrontional with his mother... boys have a loyality to the mother... that is life after all... as for the grandmother keep her out of family business... for now... unconventional setting and a child at risk can end up with a dream ending... seen it!

[s_cianci]

I don't blame you for not letting your stepson back into the house. He is a liar and a manipulator and naïve people like your mother-in-law let him get away with it. No doubt he is angry at the breakup of his parents' marriage but you did not cause that. SInce the courts have declared her to be an unfit mother I'm willing to bet she was an unfit wife as well. Your husband needs to make a commitment. He is married to you, not to his son. As hard as it may be for your husband to give up on his son, it was he who made the choice to marry you and he now has to stand by that commitment. When push comes to shove, you are #1 in his life, not his son and not his mother. In a few years his son will be grown and not have the time of day for his father. What will your husband do then? You may have to give your husband an ultimatum ; either he honor you as his wife and stand may his marital commitment first and foremost, even if it means cutting off contact with the son, or else it's over. As for that matter it wouldn't hurt for your husband to take a similar stand with his son ; either he respect and honor you as his father's wife or he can indeed live elsewhere and find a new family to kick around.

[dreamingsfree]

My husband has now made it clear to me that he wants to live with me & his son, when I express my reservations about this he gets very agitated at me and tells me then if I won't give his son another chance he will leave & live with his son, I offer I understand the love for his son & do what he feels will help his son & I will stay married and faithful aslong as he needs but we would have to live apart , he then tells me he needs my help with his son, My husband is aware of what is @ risk for me if my stepson were to succed with any part of what he was trying to accomplish with me but he continues to tell me that I am not fair to his son.

[Amythest]

Wow just reading this makes me want to cry.
You know what
The only thing I can do to eally help you is to pray.

[talaniman]

I see no other way but counseling for you and your husband, If he won't go LEAVE! Sorry, I just don't think you should live in fear especially if his son can stay with the Grandmother. He needs help more than the two of you to be honest and if your husband is unwilling to seek help then why should you babysit his brat?

[valinors_sorrow]

I see you surrounded by three sick people. And I don't mean sick bad, I mean sick ill-- mentally ill, soul sick, each in their own way. You have to ask yourself why you are there at all. It is a bad environemnt for anyone healthy. If I were you, I would be recognizing the slim chance of this working out, so at that point with very little to lose, I would make non-negotiable conditions about my staying with them. Conditions like husband and wife get counseling and son lives at grandma's for now. If your husband meets the conditions, stay and seek positive changes and if not, then know with confidence that it really wasn't working out anyway. Sick people often choose to remain sick, as screwy as that sounds. And you don't belong there if they do choose to remain sick-- but you know that already, I can tell.

[K_3]

I really feel for you. I take it the lies your stepson told about you were pretty bad, yes? No? Could they create problems for you? Children can create a lot of damage to a relationship. You really need to think hard before this marriage goes on much longer. They do sound like they are past dysfunction into the next phase of family illness. Val is right some people function this way all of their lives. Be very careful, before long you will be sucked in and start thinking there is something wrong with you. Have you noticed starting to feel twinges of "maybe I could do better". Don't go there. I would get away for a week or so if I could and see how you feel. You may find you feel very free. If that is the case you know your answer.
Good luck

[Amythest]

:P t-man you said it .blunt. But so right.

[Amythest]

Blame childresn books.. oooo I should write a childresn story abut awesome step paretns:P

[LUNAGODDESS]

Yes, agree with the pack... why should you be baby-sitting bio-daddy's brat while bio-daddy gets a time out...

[talaniman]

How come Dad hasn't agreed to some counceling for his son? Have you brought it up to him? The kid needs help.

[s_cianci]

My husband has now made it clear to me that he wants to live with me & his son, when i express my reservations about this he gets very agitated at me and tells me then if i wont give his son another chance he will leave & live with his son, I offer i understand the love for his son & do what he feels will help his son & i will stay married and faithful aslong as he needs but we would have to live apart , he then tells me he needs my help with his son, My husband is aware of what is @ risk for me if my stepson were to succed with any part of what he was trying to accomplish with me but he continues to tell me that i am not fair to his son.

Sadly, it sounds like your husband has made his choice. Not a good one at that. Your husband needs an ultimatum now, like I said in my previous response to your thread. If, when push comes to shove, he insists on choosing his son over his wife, then you pack your bags and leave. Or, better yet, pack your husband's bags and throw him and his son out on their ears. You deserve a man who'll make you #1, not #2 or #3. 5 years from now when his son is a total rebel and doesn't have the time of day for his father your husband will have his regrets, I assure you.