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Is there a reason that I am still single?
Hi... I am 31 years old! I am divorced with one child. I have been divorced for 6 years.
I was in a relationship 2 months after my divorce for approximately 3 years! Needless to say... the last year of our relationship... he cheated! He is now married to this gal and has a child! I truly thought he was the one! I live in a small town and the selection of men is minimal. I have dated anywhere between 22 year olds and 34 year olds. I have gained some weight after my three year relationship but I wouldn't consider myself obese. I feel very insecure when I start seeing someone and the relationship gets physical. I recently was "sorta" seeing this 39 year old who lives about 45 minutes away from me. I liked the idea that he was older and "probably" more mature than the other guys that I have dated. Unfortinately... I slept with him the first night we met. We have a mutual friend that told me that he was interested in pursuing a relationship with me. He is "okay" in his looks but he personality was wonderful. I contacted him and we talked for about a half hour that night! Every night after that for a week and a half he called me! He invited me up to the town he lives in to go swimming at a late with him and some friends (including our mutual friend). I didn't bring my bathing suit because it was close to 9 pm before I got there. (It was a Monday and I had to work). We seen each other one more time after that! Things went fine but... he hasn't called in almost a week and I tried to call him 2 nights ago! Am I doing something wrong? |
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For one, it sounds like you're trying to rush into things the minute you meet someone. You entered a 3-year relationship only 2 months after your divorce. How long did you know your husband before you married him? And how soon after meeting him did the two of you become serious? What kind of dating history do you have prior to meeting your husband? By your own admission you slept with your latest interest the first night you met him. It seems like you're falling for everyone and anyone. You're being way too available for these men ; you're not giving them the chance to pursue you at all. They figure they have you right where they want you and so they can treat you like a disposable washcloth. Back off, make them chase you and don't be so darned willing and available all the time. Do things for and with yourself, without a need for male companionship ; visit places you like, go to restaurants you like, take up a hobby or classes. Join a bowling league or dance club. Remember, you are your own best friend, whether there's any men in the picture or not. Make things happen for YOU. When it comes to relationships, YOU make the rules and the men play by your rules or they don't play at all. Don't let them drag you around, which I have a feeling you've been letting happen. This is not to say that you become mean or abusive but stand your ground. I think you'll be amazed at the results.
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 Originally Posted by s_cianci
*I was married at the age of 20 because I became pregnant. I had just been raped by my "male best friend and class mate" (we were neighbors). I didn't know how to deal with the fact that I was raped and I had a one night stand with a guy at college that I knew from back home. We thought we'd "do the right thing" and get married. The marriage lasted for 5 years. I ended the marriage because I was to the point where I couldn't even stand to look at him. He cheated on me with a co-worker. I was not in love with him so leaving him wasn't hard except for the fact that we had a child together (that was hard). Going into this relationship after my marriage was the first time I ever fell in love with someone. I was not on the rebound. Things moved quickly and we (my daughter and I) moved in after 9 months of dating. That relationship ended after 3 years. It has now been a little over 3 years since we broke up. I have not had and actual "date" with any guy. I guess these small town guys don't know what dating is. We always meet at the bars. I having been going out and spending a lot (last 3 years) with my girlfriends. We go to movies, demo derby's, rodeos, bars, dance clubs, etc... |
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Have you ever been looking for something at home and just can't seem to find it, no matter how hard you look. Then, when you stop actively looking for it, you find it. Sometimes, relationships are like that. You are actively looking for someone, anyone. Stop. How much time are you dedicating to your daughter, I mean really dedicating to her and her alone? She doesn't need to see you go from guy to guy. She needs her mom, period. I know you had her at a young age, and I know it's been hard being on your own now, but how hard do you think it is for her?
I'm not saying you're a bad mom, I'm sure you're not. I think that if you give yourself to your daughter, you may find yourself not focusing so much on the fact that you aren't dating. Now, if you want to go out and have fun with your friends once in a while and you happen to meet a nice man, that's okay, but take it slow. Super, super, slow. Dating 3 months after a divorce and moving in 9 months later is way to fast. You aren't alone, you have your child to think about. Start going to places that have substance. How do you expect to find Mr. Right in a bar or dance club? I know you live in a small town but there has to be places that are a little more respectable. Church functions maybe? If your church doesn't have church functions, then speak to your pastor about starting some for singles. As nice as you think they may be, keep these guys away from your kid, don't even let them meet or be in the same room, she doesn't need to see this. You said you had gained a little weight, lose it, and tone it, it doesn't matter if you don't think you are obese. If anything, you will not only look better but have so much more energy and feel 10 years younger. Stop dating young guys, that's just a waste of your valuable time and energy, chances are, they may not have much interest in getting seriously involved with an older divorced woman with a child. You will meet the right person, just be patient and focus on your daughter and yourself and things have a way of working out. |
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My daughter has yet to meet any guy that I have dated since my 3 year relationship. I decided after my divorce that she wouldn't meet any guy until I was serious about them. I never let a guy spend the night at my place while she is there either! Not that I feel I am easy (except for this last incident)! She is my first priority and will always be #1 in my life!
I do dedicate a lot of my time to my daughter! This summer we started walking around town in the evenings for exercise and to just bond! We also go camping in the summer and sledding in the winter! I am not trying to be defensive but I guess I don't explain myself very well! So far... I have received 2 comments saying that I am trying too hard! I hear you loud and clear! Thank you for you input!! |
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And you call me insecure. Too funny.
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Originally Posted by Wildcat21
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Yeah - you're right. Let see - who was negative to me??
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!! I guess you for got. |
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Slow it down. You are going way too fast. This can scare people away ver easily.
Why were you telling us about your appearance? Do you feel that he hasn't called you because he is not attracted to you physically? You brought up stuff about your appearance but didn't really relate it to your situation withthis guy? If he is that shallow then he's not worth it. OR You are way to insecure and drive people away with this insecurity. It isn't attractive at all to be this way. You need to love yourself before anyone can love you back! |
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Originally Posted by Wildcat21
Originally Posted by Wildcat21
Your posts in this thread do nothing to help the person so why bother other than to hear yourself talk?? I'd expect more from a "relationship expert" and this reflects poorly on AMHD. Talking straight is fine. Telling it like it is, OK. But even the "great 'cat" should learn, its not all about you. |
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Single4
You've made some bad choices and had some terrible circumstances. Most of us have made some bad choices along the way. You need to learn from your mistakes and decide what you really want for yourself. Sex isn't the connection that will get you there (though I'm not going to minimize sexual compatability)... but you did have sex with the man. Fine. You called and he didn't reply. Not the best news, not necessarily the worst. I wouldn't necessarily write him off. You never know what a person is going though... Being in a small town compounds your problem. Being a single parent also makes it harder... my wife was single with a child for 12 years before we met and eventually married. Dating for her was rarely fun. So... it is normal to want a relationship, and its not uncommon to make bad choices from time to time in the pursuit of happiness. Doing same thing and expecting different results is not a reasonable attitude... your first goal needs to be to strengthen yourself, outside the context of a relationship. But since your post was dealing with relationships, I guess I'm all for the direct route usually. No pretense, no games, no hidden agendas. If you like this guy enough to pursue the relationship then call him. Don't beg, don't make a fuss, just call him and see what's going on. If you cannot talk to him in the context of being a friend, then you probably shouldn't be a lover. Most guys hate the "how do you feel" or "tell me what youre thinking" questions, especially when they don't know for sure... So don't make your next conversation about all of that noise. Id simply see if he is interested in seeing you. If so, then you have a chance to reconnect. Just don't make it about sex and don't make it about the rest of your life. All you can do is take it one day at a time. If things don't seem to fit, then you need to move on. There's a few billion people on this earth. He's not the only one. |
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KP, I thought your post was excellent!
Please focus on yourself and your daughter... someone will love you and your life... they might just find you! I agree to call and just chit chat... see how it goes. Slow with no pressure is key... get to know someone... Your question topic is why are you still single? Well, I agree with the above people saying that you rush into things and have had unfortunate relationships... sometimes we can spend way too much time on something that is not good for us... and less time searching for what IS good for us... don't waste time on those who are not worth the time... you will be grateful you are open and available to the one that will bump into you one day... |
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Thank you for your thoughts kp2171
The reason I was telling you about my appearance is that I feel that maybe he isn't attracted to me physically! But he doesn't exactly have what society calls "a great bod" either, but... in my opinion, I don't care what he looks like! A guy could have a "Brad Pitt" body or a "Chris Farley" body but as long as I am attracted to their personality, that is all I need. It just seems to be that most men (and some women) only look at a females body and not at her personality! Originally Posted by kp2171
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Originally Posted by YeloDasy
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UPDATE: Is there a reason that I am still single?
Well... I have two words for you all... THANK YOU!! I told some friends about this sight and what I had asked for help with and they all thought I was nuts! I told them your advise and they laughted at me... now they are joining and may even be addicted! Lol
I had previously told yous about a guy that I went on a couple of dates with and that didn't call me back! He called me last night! I sort of forgot about him until I saw his name come up on caller ID! I tried what yous had suggested and be more active with my daughter! It worked! I wasn't constantly thinking about him... I was constantly thinking about what me and my daughter were going to do that day! I feel as though I have done a 180! Now... I LOVE ME! Thank you all again for your advise! |
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Bravo! (insert sound of applause here)
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Well done :)
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