[BIM]

Just a note to "WildCat21" you seem to be an awful bitter man. You must be talking from experience with the being cheated on. No I have not dated either of these guys I am also friends with the wives.

No I have not cheated on anyone else. Nor would I cheat on my husband.

My husband, I thought, was more of a free spirit. When we were dating he told me about an instance when he video taped a friend of his having sex with his friends girlfriend, and that he got close enough with the camera to bump into them. I do not approve of this behavior either, but I don't keep bringing it up.

He also likes to "moon" everybody all the time. I don't feel that is appropriate either. It is not like I flash myself to anyone.

To me he has a lot of double standards, and it is frustrating.

[SINGLE4]

I doubt. There is more too this I am sure. I can just tell - if there wasn't more too this then you would not be here.

Did you date either of these guys???

Have you ever cheated on anyone in your life????? I bet you have. Sorry. I just know.

Sometimes people come here for reassurances that they are right - things like trying to find out it's OK to cheat - it's never ok.

You're husband would not have these insecurities otherwise.

Wildcat21... you are an insecure person (not sure I wanted to call you a man... don't think you are worthy)! You are obviously just like this ladies husband! Maybe yous are brothers..! If my husband would have stipped me down the way this ladies did... I would have told him that he can look but if he does... that would be that last time he would EVER see me naked! If there is not proof of infidelity besides some lowsy pictures of "friendship" then... there isn't a marriage. If you don't trust someone... you should be married to them! Maybe he needs to be married to someone who smoothers him and wants to be with him 24/7! I guarantee he wouldn't be able to take that for too long!

Hang in there!!

[Wildcat21]

Nope never been cheated on... I just know from experinece here what's really going on. We don't have the real story.

See - you just gave us more info.

[BIM]

What difference does that information make?:confused:

Please inspire me.

[Wildcat21]

Love the insults - hahaha! Weak people.

Well, if you don't give us the entire story - then everything is BS.

You came here for sympathy and not answers. I know there is more to this story that you won't tell us. I just know from experience.

Spin away at your side of the story - I know your husband has another side.

We want the truth - not BS.

[Bronica]

Well I Think... You Gave Him The Inch To Not Trust You,so As Some Men Will Do,thell Take It A Mile. Only Time Will Help Him Through This But Your Just Going To Have To Deal W/the Misstrust For A While. Now This Is All Assumeing You've Not Had Priour Misstrust Issues, And Or Hes Not Abuseing You Now Or In The Past. Turn The Tables How Would You Feel? And The Wife Was In The Photo Maybe There "swingers".point Is Hell Read Into ,over Anilise It. I Can Understand I Too Work And My Husband Is Jelous Of The Wierdest Guy Here! Hes Truly Shrimpy. But None The Less Were Friends, Friends Only!! And Ive Done Nothing To Suggest Other Wise Most Men Are Just Grown Boys And They Have To Work Through There Problems S L O W L Y... Just Don't Respond To His Negativity,hell Should Stop Soon Enough.

[SINGLE4]

Wildcat21... you are right... there are two sides to every story! Right away you are assuming that she is lying which... I don't understand! Everyone else here only tells their side when asking for advise about a situation! Are you criticizing everyone the way you are criticizing this lady? You could've answered in a more tasteful way! Being blunt is OK... sometimes but do it using more respect! :) I have been cheated on and I would like to think I know the signs but I am no expert!

[BIM]

Think as you may "Wildcat", it is too bad everyone lies in your eyes.

I came to get helpful information and received it from several. I thank everyone who replied. I found some information useful for trying at home.

[valinors_sorrow]

He kept me up all night that night yelling, I called my mom over to help calm him down. He stripped my clothes off of me in our kitchen looking for marks. He still goes though my purse, goes through my cell phone, he tells me I cannot go out without him.

Shakes my head here and gives it one last stab: I know enough to realise this right here, even if there HAD been infidelity, is enough to press legal charges for abuse and assault and land him in both jail and very likely an anger management or domestic violence program where I live. If that isn't enough to wake some people up, then I don't know what to say. I have had a front row seat to all sorts of things going wrong in couples as part of my professional life and it is simply not possible to mitigate irrational stuff like this with rational responses. I totally understand the need to try it but when it doesn't work, look me up. Good luck.

[Here_To_Help- Jon]

Consider some short term therapy/marriage counseling with your husband to let a 3rd party add some perspective. Obviously a trust issue/nerve has been touched in your husband - but his behavior is out of line and borderline abusive and not "in tune" with the incident. I think you are approaching the point where you need to say "Get past this" or "Get out". If he calms down even a little... you can offer a "how can I help you get past this" and work as partners... but only after the abusive treatment stops.

[Wildcat21]

Yep I said she lied - nope.

All I said was I want the whole story. We are not getting the whole story. All I want is the entire story.

I am sure there is more to this.

[kymwm]

I would like to add my two cents.. My cousins' husband was a very jelous man. Yes, she would flirt. I flirt, my husband flirts, his best friend flirts. Her husband was the biggest flirt of all. When the rest of us were flirting, it was innocent, but no so much w/ him. Anyway, he accused her of sleeping w/ 37 different men, & two women(yes, she kept a list). This went on of the 1st 9 years of their marriage. Then, right before their tenth annivarsary, he addmitted that HE slept w/ her 1/2 sister just 2 weeks BEFORE they got married!! All of those years that he was accusing her, was because of his own guilt. Same thing happened w/ my friend. Her husband kept implying that she was cheating on him, when latter it was found out that he was cheating on her. Ever heard the saying, "he who accuses has the most to hide". Neither of these women EVER cheated on anybody, yet both jelous husbands, who kept accusing both of them, each had an affair. Maybe your husband is feeling guilty about something? Also, I agree that he way over reacted, & I don't know that I would stay if it was me. Seems like total lack of respect on his part. Like I said, we flirt, but I trust my husband, & he trusts me. We both realize that it is all in fun. If you can't trust the person you are married to, then why be married?

[Skell]

I don't understand the need to flirt when married?
Can someone explain it to me please?
Flirting is meant to be a bit iof fun between single availabel people isn't it?
Not somehting that married or committed people should need to achieve.

Surely it only leads to the situations you have all described here.

I'm not condoning the husbands behaviour in either the original posters post or kymwm's post above.

But someone tell me why married people want to flirt yet they can't expect or accpet that there may some consequences??

[talaniman]

When flirting hurts feelings or causes chaos it is no longer innocent. Some who are married don't mind, some do. When it becomes a problem it needs to be dealt with. When its done blatantly and in front of a partner who dislikes this kind of behavior then it is rude and disrespectful. A callous disregard for your partners feelings in my view. Also a sign of a relationship that is lacking. I would never make my partner feel so insecure especially after we had discussed it and made our feelings known. I'd love to flirt but not at my wife's expense or at the expense of my marriage. When in doubt, Talk it over (honest communication) and listen to each other. Which is obviously what the posters relationship clearly lacks. The husbands actions though are out of bounds, way out, in my opinion and should not be tolerated EVER. As to the wife's flirting, bad judgement on her part because there is no way she didn't know her actions would piss him off. There is a need for a heavy dose of marital counseling for this couple and maybe a separation to cool this situation off and clear thinking to take hold, or else this relationship is in the toilet. There are MANY issues to be worked through. The sooner the better.

[kymwm]

I guess for some people it is a personnaly thing. I flirt w/ everyone, men, women, kids, animals. Many I should call it "fun loving" instead of flirt. It has never gotten me into a "situation". I guess when I do flirt, I also let it be known that I am happily married (12 years in Oct; together for @ 20years w/ dating). My husband is the same. But it is not an issue for us, we know it's harmless. And I assume that we send out "vibes" to the people we flirt w/ , because most people seem to know we are only having fun, nothing is meant by it, & that it is harmless. I have been a flirt since I was a kid, & from what I can tell, so has my husband.

[phillysteakandcheese]

I don't understand the need to flirt when married?

I think there is a difference between the kind of flirting that is innocent and fun, and flirting that is inviting and laden with innuendo.

Most friendly humans – married or not - do the basic innocent and fun flirting. Something as simple as a compliment can be called flirting. If I can say something friendly or funny and get a smile from a woman, there is no harm done. A compliment taken too far or delivered in a more than playfully alluring way gets into something that is not appropriate for a committed couple. If I were to deliver the compliment that involved an unwanted sexual invitation or with more than casual physical contact, I am not behaving in a respectful manner.

While I personally do not think BIM went too far in her behavior, I can certainly understand how sitting on a co-worker's lap or being carried around by another man could be interpreted as going to far by her husband.

By the same token though, regardless of whether there is more to the story or not, I believe the husband went much too far when he ripped the clothing off his wife.
That is crossing the line of respect and dignity.

[K_3]

Flirting whether you are out on a date or with your spouse is being disrespectful to that person. Everyone has their own thoughts on what is actually flirting. I am very friendly and laugh, talk, and smile at everyone. Most places I worked I was always closer to a male coworker than any of the females. I never flirted with them. My husband was fine with it because he could tell we were just friends and he would enjoy visiting with them also. He would have invited one of them to a party for me. I would never have sat on their laps or been picked up by one of them. I am sure my husband would not have been comfortable with that. By always being keeping that line between us kept my husbands trust.
I do feel your husband went over the line by removing your clothes. He is over the edge now. Did his X wife cheat on him? There is more going on in his mind than just this incident. If for over 3 years nothing like this has happened and he went from zero jealousy to 120% jealousy there is more.
I am not saying you did more, he has some issues.

[Wildcat21]

He definitely has massive issues...

But I want the entire story. We're not getting that.

[kp2171]

My wife will flirt from time to time with a guy when we are out at a bar... not the I want you to take me home stuff, but just little things. She doesn't hide she's married, and she's coming home with me, and if the guys happy to buy her a few rounds of pool and lose to a beautiful woman, then so what.

BUT I will say it IS disrespectful to flirt if the spouse is uncomfortable under reasonable circumstances. And then there are the guys who go ballistic for any attention a partner gives another man, such as casual conversation.

And in this case, he obviously has some serious trust issues. Something has likely happened to him, either in the past with someone else or with you. Or maybe with one of the guys he knows. I'm close to a cousin who I think is great, except he talks about how the guys at his work b1tch and moan about marriage, himself included. Maybe someone he knows had something happen and its rattled him... but it sure sounds like either he is either has been burned in the past or something is going on.

You have absolutely every right to be upset about the strip search... and any further accusations are just noise.

I'm afraid this trust issue is going to have to be resolved for both your sakes or the marriage is going to really suffer. What happens if you ask him, calmly and unaccusingly, has he ever been cheated on before in a previous relationship. There is a deeper mistrust he's showing that is not due to your flirting alone. You need to find, if you can, what the source is. Hell likely not give this up easily unless he's ready to confront the real issue.

You also are going to have to draw some lines that are reasonable in a marriage. He should not rummage through your items. There should be no reason for you to be hiding anything, but he's crossing a line. Ask him why in the world he thinks you have the energy and time to run around on him when you are devoted to your family.

And if you haven't you might say you are sorry you hurt his feelings for flirting, but you are not going to feel guilty for something that you've not done and have no intention of doing.

[Grayfox]

To an extent, I agree with what wildcat has said. It is really difficult to pin the blame on either one of you, especially after hearing only one side of the story. You know what you did or didn't do wrong, and no one here is really going to change that. You two have a history, you've been in a divorce before, we don't know what you allow with each other or don't allow with each other. Its tough to tell if either sides actions were out of line, each individual marriage has its own set of guidelines, some are more flexible than others. You need to just work this out the best you can in your mind. More than anything, be prepared to do what's best. You most likely already know what that is. When you've come to a conclusion, that's when you should ask people here if they agree and if you're thinking clearly. There's just too much information that we don't have and can't get. No need to make any rash or finalizing decisions, sometimes time makes people feel differently about their actions or reactions, but make sure you've tried to see his viewpoint and imagined how you'd feel.