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AmExp · Feb 10, 2009, 11:44 PM

I am dating a guy who is 36 ( I am 23). He is in amazing shape and attractive! For the most part he has treated me well and has done a lot for me. He has totally wined and dined me. This is by far the best relationship I have ever been in. We have fallen madly in love with each other after 4 months. Here is the issue... he does not like me out of his sight. He claims he gets nervous when I am not with him and I go out with my friends to drink, dance, and have a good time. After my night out he asks me 20 questions if I danced with anyone or if they danced with me. If any guys asked for my number or touched me. He makes threats that if another guy touches me and he sees it then he would break his neck. He says he is not controlling and wants me to have fun but does this sound like a guy who is NOT controlling? At one point he went as far to say that he only wants me to drink when he is around to protect me. He doesn't believe I should make any new male friends because we have each other and our old friends. Is he right? Am I just making a big deal out of a guy who really does love me? Or is his love dangerous?

BrentNumber1 · Feb 11, 2009, 12:00 AM

As you know, this situation is not healthy.
This guy has the sound of some major insecurity issues. Have you learned anything about his past that would give a clue as this type of abnormal behavior? Was he cheated on by a past g/f? Does he think he's not good enough for you? I would lay it to him straight- you are in love with him but that his insecurity is scaring you/pushing you away. You need him to trust you for this to work. Try to get him to open up.
If this behavior continues get out.

PS- do the threats of violence toward other guys seem legit, is he a "lose his temper" type of guy, if this is the case RUN! 36 is way too old to be acting like a jealous little boy with too much testosterone.

AmExp · Feb 11, 2009, 07:20 AM

You make some valid points. His angle with me was that he doesn't get jealous... ever ( I type this as I raise my eyebrow). He feels as though I am going to run back to my ex because I had an encounter with him while we were beginning to date. He claims he has never had that happen to him before ( I DID NOT CHEAT ON HIM! My ex and I hung out and that was it).

He thinks I act like a little girl when I "try to make him jealous"

AmExp · Feb 11, 2009, 07:21 AM

When he was younger, he was the type of guy who would "lose it" but now he claims he is different and has left that behavior behind. He has never hurt me or touched me. As far as I am aware he has never touched any woman. I am wondering if I would be different because his addiction for me is something he has never experienced before...

kctiger · Feb 11, 2009, 07:22 AM

This dude is 36 and threatens to "break someone's kneck" if they touch you... is he serious with that. I am sorry, but that is the thought and reaction of an 18 year old. Clearly he has some insecurity issues to work on. That is my take on it.

AmExp · Feb 11, 2009, 07:27 AM

Well I told him that was very extreme and out of line.

kctiger · Feb 11, 2009, 07:29 AM

I don't mean to sound harsh, but he is acting half his age, and frankly, I cannot stand guys that talk or think like that. If I were you, I would get out of this, it has Ike and Tina Turner written all over it. He is way too afraid of losing you, almost to the point of physical control.

AmExp · Feb 11, 2009, 07:39 AM

LOL at the Ike and Tina comment. Do you honestly think it could resort to him PHYSICALLY harming me? Am I being to naïve to see it? From what I am aware he was never violent to his ex's in the past.

DSMom · Feb 11, 2009, 07:40 AM

This is unhealthy. I understand that you love him... (I was once in a very similar situation) Unless you want the rest of your life to be like "reporting" back to someone, being controlled and under someone's thumb... you need to get out. I used to make excuses to that "it's just b/c he loves me so much" Ummmm an ENORMOUS part of a relationship is trust (I am sure he says he trusts you, it's the others he doesn't... been there done that) he has trust issues, period. Every aspect of your life will turn into you answering to him, you having to explain things to him, you not being able to have normal friendships with your girls and hang out... it will snowball from here...
He is insecure and jealous (even though he claims not to be). This is not a normal healthy relationship to be in, and there is no wining and dining that is worth your freedom as an individual.

kctiger · Feb 11, 2009, 07:41 AM

His behavior is a slippery slope to more dangerous behavior. I would NEVER talk like that to one of my girlfriends (former/future). It screams low-class and blatant immaturity.

DSMom · Feb 11, 2009, 07:41 AM

Originally Posted by AmExp

LOL at the Ike and Tina comment. Do you honestly think it could resort to him PHYSICALLY harming me? Am I being to naive to see it? From what I am aware he was never violent to his ex's in the past.

It can turn into that. My ex was abusine, not in that he raised a hand to me, but this type of action turned into mental/verbal/emotional abuse... it is a TERRIBLE thing to go through

AmExp · Feb 11, 2009, 07:48 AM

I am just trying to figure out why I am "so special" to him. He is constantly telling me nice things about how I am beautiful and very pretty, but that if I work on my tummy I would be even MORE of a show-stopper. Yet he turns around and says he would love me at any size. I find that hard to believe because his relationship with his ex-wife partly fizzled because she let herself go. He also like to tell me from time to time that, "he could have any girl he wants." I find myself confused at times...

kctiger · Feb 11, 2009, 07:52 AM

You are enamored by his tactics at whining and dining you, but that isn't really who he is, and I think you know that. Your last post is littered with red flags... flags that go up around a complete control freak.

LEAVE! Yes, if that is your pic, you are beautiful, and I would not want to be in a relationship such as the one you are in.

DSMom · Feb 11, 2009, 07:55 AM

From the last comment you made... is this someone thaty you would want to spend your life with? What if you had children and didn't lose weight right away? What if he didn't see you as a "show stopper"?
I heard it all before about how it is hard to date the "hot girl"... and that's where the "protection" comes into play... Puh-lease... If he truly was in LOVE with you as a person, he would trust you when you are out and have no problems with you doing so. He would not play the million and one questions game and he would believe you when you told him you love him and are just hanging out with people...

HistorianChick · Feb 11, 2009, 07:58 AM

I'm still hung up on this comment a few posts ago:

Originally Posted by AmExp

He thinks I act like a little girl when I "try to make him jealous"

Do you intentionally try to make him jealous? You said "when I try to make him jealous."

If this is the case, then you've created this problem... Kind of like praying for rain and not wanting to deal with mud...

AmExp · Feb 11, 2009, 07:59 AM

Ok but I want to make sure I get the most authentic answer. He dated his best friend of 12 years for a year ( when they were younger). She is STILL madly in love with him although she has gotten much better. Before it was just strange that she could not move on and date again. I am glad she finally has. Anyway, if he was so abusive, then wouldn't he have done the same thing to her? How could their friendship last 12 years if he was that bad? I personally do not find her that attractive... a semi-cute 34 year old Barbara Streisand and his ex wife looks like a heavy set version of Genine Gerafalo. Am I missing something?

artlady · Feb 11, 2009, 08:01 AM

You are new to this relationship and it is a relationship,not ownership.If he is displaying this behavior during the *honeymoon* phase,it is a red flag.

This type of controlling jealous behavior only escalates and in a year ,you may be so under his thumb as to not be able to make a move without his permission.

He is most likely feeling his age and feels insecure about his ability to keep someone thirteen years his junior satisfied.

Proceed with caution. Make it clear to him now that you will not tolerate jealousy and that if he continues to mistrust your judgment,perhaps you are not as well suited at you thought.

Nip it in the bud.You have no obligation to answer to him about your every move.

AmExp · Feb 11, 2009, 08:05 AM

Originally Posted by HistorianChick

I'm still hung up on this comment a few posts ago:

Do you intentionally try to make him jealous? You said "when I try to make him jealous."

If this is the case, then you've created this problem.... Kind of like praying for rain and not wanting to deal with mud....

I am a naturally giggly person. Sometimes I giggle at inappropriate times. When we are laying in bed and watching TV or whatever and I get a text and it is funny, then I giggle. He thinks I try to hide my phone from him. He asks me who it is and I tell him and he STILL thinks I am lying. I usually have to show him to prove it or sometimes I don't show him just so he knows he cannot bully me into showing him. He has requested that I announce the incoming callers name when I answer the phone like this, " Hello?"... "Oh, hey (insert name here)." So that he will not have to try and figure out who I am talking to.

spitvenom · Feb 11, 2009, 08:06 AM

I have an in law who is 34 dating a 21 year old and this sounds exactly like their relationship. He "trust her" yet he grills her whenever she walks in the door after being anywhere without him. He even gets mad at me when I talk to her and I'm married to his cousin.

I always thought it was a little strange that a 34 year old was dating a 21 year old they really have nothing in common and his response to me was this is a trophy girl how many 34 year old do you see with a 21 year old.

I swear he doesn't even care about her he just likes the fact that she is very good looking and young and he knows how to control her. I tell her all the time to leave him she hasn't yet but she is tired of going out and then getting grilled by her parole officer I mean her boyfriend when she comes home.

I'm not saying your relationship is like theirs but if it is leave now because his girlfriend gets more and more miserable everyday and I really feel bad for her she is a very nice person and she doesn't deserve the grilling every time she goes out.

AmExp · Feb 11, 2009, 08:11 AM

I agree DSMom. He does have his short-comings (we all do), but I honestly have to say this relationship is seriously the best one I have been in. I admit that my hanging out with an ex and not being honest about it certainly did NOT help. I apologized and this was over 3 weeks ago and I am still hearing about it and getting side comments from him. He does pretty give me whatever I want and never says no.