[cozyk]

My heart is heavy. A little background . My 18 yr old son is a senior for the 2nd time in high school. I don't know what makes him tick, or more to the point, not tick. Starting around grade 6, I've been getting the same phone call from teachers... every year.

Alex is a good kid, he is never a conduct problem and is very likable. The problem, he constantly fails to finish assignments, fails to turn in assignments on time, daydreams in class, etc. Because of this , he has passed each grade by the skin of his teeth.

He was diagnosed with ADD which I think was not really the case. The testing was very vague. Through the years, he has been on 3 different kinds of ADD meds, with no improvements, he has been to a child psychologist which turned out to be a dud, we spent 2000.00 on Sylvan for study skills, (his reports were excellent there, I believe because he had individual attention) Had special testing all along, and test results were very good. He's had learning disability test , which showed no disabilities. He does very well on standaridized tests too.

His problem, he is not responsible and he fails to follow through. He forgets things constantly and is a huge procrastinator. He can't even get himself up in the morning. He will do okay for awhile after a huge lecture but then falls back into old habits. It is almost like he sleep walks. He wakes up, turns the alarm off and lays back down. Next thing you know, he is back asleep. He even has a friend give him a wake up call. He answers the phone, talks, then goes back to sleep. Stays in the shower forever, I believe because he is sleeping while standing.

His father says in hind sight he wished we had sent him to some sort of military school but he doesn't think he could make it. He is extremely skinny and not muscular at all. He has never been athletic. His interest is in cars and music. His gpa is below 2, so we are hoping he can get into a trade school. Actually, we are hoping he gets his high school diploma this time. He is in the middle of his one month grounding for handing in his senior project paper late. He was grounded 4 weeks last semester for getting 4 zeros, for not handing in assignments. He never recovered from those 4 zeros and ended up failing that English class. He is retaking that class for the 3rd time now.

When we ask him, "what were you thinking?" he replies, I don't know. My husbands brother is a 51 year old version of this. We are scared to death that our son will be like his uncle. Basically, a total screw up. An army recruitment guy came out and tried to convince our son to join up. He gave them an absolute NO. The army guy continued to call for several months, but the answer was still no.

I am lucky in one respect that my son has a great spirit. He is thoughtful, considerate, compassionate, generally, a very high quality character person. The down side. Not responsible, self disciplined, or motivated at all. My husband is SO disappointed because he acts just like his brother. Ewww, that just made me shutter. His brother has an excuse for everything. Nothing is HIS fault. What's a mother to do?:confused::(:mad::o:eek:

[J_9]

Cozyk, as a parent, are you following up on his assignments? Keeping him grounded?

He needs to make lists according to importance. If you are not, you need to be in touch with his teachers regarding his assignments. Where my daughter goes to high school we have something called Planet K12 where we parents can get online daily and see our children's assignments, and keep track of their grades. Does your son's school have this?

Unfortunately, he can't be trusted to do all this on his own. He needs your guidance, and perhaps your heavy hand.

Do you take privileges away when he fails to do what he is supposed to do?

[DSMom]

Your son sounds to be very smart. The fact that he is well mannered and compassionate is great. When it comes to school work and procrastination... it sounds as if you may have to "hold his hand". I understand that he is in his senior year for the second time, but you may actually have to have himm pull out his assignments and do them right in front of you and check them over. Even though he is nearing adulthood (being 18 or 19 now) he is still a tudent in schol and obviously is not doing it on his own.
If he is not doing it on his own, you and dad now need to be active (more so) in his assignments and hold his hand through them like a kiddo. Have him pull out his assignments and do them (mayeb at the kitchen/diningroom table) where you can see him working and can check when he is done. This will eliminate any excuse for not doing it because you will know he is sitting there completeing his tasks. The teachers I am sure will comply with letting you know what is due when if the school does not offer a way for you to check the information online.
This may sound juvenile for his age, but still sounds like what needs to be done.
Good Luck! I hope you all can get this resolved because he actually sounds like a fantastic kid that is very smart... he just needs the direction/motivation to put it to work!

[DoulaLC]

I wholeheartedly agree with the others... back to the basics of study skills. Just as you likely sat with him to help with homework when he was 8, do so now. Yes, it is his responsibility, and yes it can be an inconvenience, but he needs to get into the habit of putting his education first. And it is just that... habit.

He shows he can do for the short time you get after him so there is no reason why he can't do it all the time other than choosing not to and not being in the habit of it.

His teachers likely have websites or at least a way to send e-mails back and forth to help you keep tabs on assignments, what tests are coming up, etc..

Sometimes teens need more parent direction and guidance than younger kids.

[frangipanis]

Hi Cozy, I'm probably not the best person to offer advice on this, since your son is not too dissimilar to my 18 year old who is brilliant at organising his social life and creating music... the rest I'm waiting to see. He would certainly like a job within the music industry, or to study sound engineering one day. He just isn't there yet.

My son is also thin, but I'm not the slightest bit worried because I know he's healthy and emotionally well balanced. He certainly has brains! He just isn't using them in ways I might prefer him to be doing at the moment... lol. He's also popular and everyone likes and respects him, even adults. I know that once he's ready, he will find his niche and stay on course throughout life.

You probably can't do much more than you're already doing for you son, I imagine. He will still need a nudge from time to time, and the offer of any support he might want from you as long as he is willing to ask, will also help. Apart from that, the best way you could help your son develop his confidence is to remember he is his own person, and to be confident he will eventually sort himself out well enough to find work that fits his needs and interests. He may even surprise you.

[cozyk]

Thanks Fran, I DO believe that he will find his niche someday. I've noticed that he excels in the things he likes . Otherwise, it's like pushing a boulder up hill to get him to do what he has to do. A little over a year ago, he had a concert in our back yard. He does not play an instrument, but he arranged for 4 different bands to perform. He and a friend built a little stage. He set a schedule, made posters to advertise, admission was free, but he took up donations to help pay for materials for the stage. He is planning on doing it again in March. THAT is his love and he wants to own/operate a venue for bands. About 75 people came last year. He wrote to the home owners assoc. to ask permission to do this in our neighborhood. He got the OK if music stopped at 11:00. It gets pretty loud. He did stop it at 11:00 though. The next day he walked around the block to make sure his guest had not littered anywhere. I will feel so much better though if he would just get that high school diploma . It would be a big sigh of relief because he AT LEAST has to do that.

[hotchapati]

My son was a good student in honor classes, he is supposed to be in high school but instead he is in a program for drug use. When I read your post, I was like, wow is she talking about my son? My son simply could not get out of bed and be on time for school. He was in detention constantly for being late . Phone calls from teachers and what not! Then one day my husband brought home a drug testing kit, after my son resisted and put up a fight, we finally got him to pee in the cup and sure enough he was positive for marijuana, coke and heroin. Now I am sot suggesting that your son is into these things, but there is no harm in testing and getting the doubt out of the way.

[liz28]

If your son can put so much into putting up a show than that just shows that he isn't into school because that is where he needs to applied hisself and everything else should come second. In this day and age you need a plan for life and your future. And if anything else fails he need his education to fal back on.

Your son sounds smart and knows exactly what he is doing. He isn't turning in or completing assignments on time because he don't care about them and he should.

[Wondergirl]

we spent 2000.00 on Sylvan for study skills, (his reports were excellent there, I believe because he had individual attention)0

The above stood out -- he did his work and excelled because he had individual attention. Kids with ADD can't focus because of all the classroom distractions. Individual works well with these kids.

You and your husband cannot be tutors; you are his parents. I know from personal experience that I cannot (easily) teach my own child. He needs to be accountable to someone. Is there a retired teacher in your neighborhood or area, perhaps someone the schools know about if you don't know anyone. If you can afford it (and maybe you can't not afford it!), hire that person (an older male tutor might be just the ticket). Set up a daily or several-times-a-week homework-doing schedule. I would start at an hour and go from there. Even if that tutor just sits there at the table and reads a book, your son will be obligated to sit there too and do his homework. Arrangements can be made for snack breaks and potty breaks. The tutor can eyeball the finished assignments for accuracy, point out problems without telling the answer, and let your son rework them and figure out what he did wrong. This will give your son stability, consistency, an unbiased anchor person to use as a resource.

I did this one summer for two boys, one going into fifth grade and one going into high school. Their parents were frustrated. Both boys were smart but had gotten behind. Charles and I sat at his kitchen table two afternoons a week doing remedial math. Mike and I spent two mornings a week at McDonald's -- big tables, always after the breakfast crowds had left, we ate breakfast, and then he sat for an hour and did remedial math and English assignments that I had whipped up. For both boys, I made sure they knew times tables, their work was neat and organized, they didn't use calculators but could do the work in their heads or on scratch paper, they understood what they were doing, they drew pictures for word problems, and that Mike knew parts of speech and how they interacted in a sentence.

Maybe giving your son another crack at that individual attention will at least get him through senior year. (P.S. Another idea -- when I was in college, I tutored a h.s. girl in Latin. Maybe a college student in your area would be able to tutor your son, but of course be careful so you don't end up with a worse situation--say, a social hour.)

[frangipanis]

Thanks Fran, I DO believe that he will find his niche someday. I've noticed that he excels in the things he likes . Otherwise, it's like pushing a boulder up hill to get him to do what he has to do. A little over a year ago, he had a concert in our back yard. He does not play an instrument, but he arranged for 4 different bands to perform. He and a friend built a little stage. He set a schedule, made posters to advertise, admission was free, but he took up donations to help pay for materials for the stage. He is planning on doing it again in March. THAT is his love and he wants to own/operate a venue for bands. About 75 people came last year. He wrote to the home owners assoc. to ask permission to do this in our neighborhood. He got the ok if music stopped at 11:00. It gets pretty loud. He did stop it at 11:00 though. The next day he walked around the block to make sure his guest had not littered anywhere. I will feel so much better though if he would just get that high school diploma . It would be a big sigh of relief because he AT LEAST has to do that.

That would look great on a resume, cozy, and having clear goals for his future is just what you want to hear. All that motivation indicates he could easily have a bright future.

Good luck motivating motivating him to complete his high school diploma... as my son dropped out completely. I wasn't thrilled about that, of course, but in a way, I'm not too worried either, as I can see he has a lot of motivation and goals in life that will no doubt eventually see him through. What he has lost in formal education, he has gained in experience and confidence, and he can always pick up on studies when he is ready. Even so, I've been encouraging him not to drag his feet on this front, since he doesn't want to find himself too far behind his peers in a few year's time. If he ever wanted private tutoring to get him through his studies, I would offer it.

Wondergirl has made a great suggestion. As your son has remained at school, he is in a better position to benefit from that kind of assistance. I'll be interested to know if this idea or anything else you find works with your son, so please keep us posted.

[Jake2008]

You know what cozyk, I like that kid.

He's polite, friendly, conscientious and considerate with his friends and family, and has obvious talent in the artistic end of things. There are not too many artists who will ever say that school was a good fit for them. They were not born to be groomed to line up, do what they're told, graduate, get a haircut, and get a real job. (so to speak ;))

I think his upbringing speaks volumes as to the quality of parenting he's getting. My guess is many other parents would have given up trying to motivate him, and you've jumped through firehoops.

I have seen many kids that age, just do what they have to do to get out of school. They are not motivated by academic pursuit, and would much prefer to be the creators of music and art and pursue those passions.

The world needs more, not less, of those types of people.

I believe he will find his way, and excel at whatever he chooses to do. He already has great passion for music, and who knows where that will lead him.

School is not a very good measure of future potential in anybody in my opinion.

[Wondergirl]

School is not a very good measure of future potential in anybody in my opinion.

I wonder if she could homeschool him into getting his diploma. She could work with the h.s. to find out what he still needs and get sample tests from them.

[Jake2008]

That's a very good point, and a good possibility.

I am in Canada, but because my daughter had a learning disability, they allowed for home schooling for two of her classes. There was a teacher assigned to visit once a week, and she took her test at home under the teachers supervision. She would not have got through her year without the help.