[ka1]

The quick stats are that me and my ex-fiance’ were together 7 yrs, engaged 1 yr. Three weeks ago she did the I need space line on me. That last few months have been sketchy, there was definitely an emotional disconnect. She wanted space, and so I withdrew my proposal and took the ring back. But I felt I agreed to the separation way to easy, and I let her know that I did not think it was a good idea. So me the ex, spoke on the phone. It was clear that she did not want to reverse her decision. She tells me the standard line of I’m smothering her, and she needs the space. I live three hours away, it’s not possible to smother her. And no, I don’t call five times a day either.

A lot of people including myself thinks there may be another guy in the picture. All I know is that things were fine, and great with us until she took a trip to Atlanta, during which she saw an ex, and ended up having dinner and going to a club. To her credit, she did not hide that fact when she got back, but to say I had a freaking hissy fit would be the understatement of the year. I didn’t shriek or anything, but I made it clear that it was not appropriate. She tried to argue with me about it, and then I dared her to call any one of her male friends and get just one of them to agree with her—none did.

Nothing has been the same since. She still says there is not another guy; especially not him. That she wants to separate because the stress of me wanting to get married. She says she has shut down, and does not want to give me a chance to unlock the door. And then the further craziness comes out. Here’s the play by play.

Me: So how long is this “separation” supposed to last?

Ex: “I don’t know. I can’t tell you. Don’t try and make me follow a schedule within a separation. It’s like you’re still trying to control me.”

Me: No, I’m not. But I need a date that this is going to last, and I want to know the rules, like neither of us are going to date and be intimate with other people. If all you want is time for work and to clear your mind of the wedding stress, then you don’t need to date anyone.

Ex: I don’t know that I’m going to come back to the relationship. I don’t want you to be with anyone else. It would bother me if you dated, or slept with someone else. But I’m not going to promise you I won’t date anyone.

I’ll never understand why people that seem perfectly reasonable three weeks ago, can now be complete _oles! I mean, I love this girl, but does that not sound like the most selfish, self-centered, Y thing I have ever heard.

So my question is there seems to be a rule that separations never end up getting back together. That’s the rule, what makes an exception. Her behavior in the last four weeks is puzzling, but before that we had a decent relationship. We fit like a glove, same values, goals, family loves me, etc. I don’t know how to deal, well I know cause I’ve read posts here and elsewhere, but still the actual doing is hard. Have NC for about two and weeks. Sorry about length:eek:

[neverme]

Eh in what world would it be OK for her to date but not for you to date??

You need to get on with your life. She seems like a piece of work to me, to say the least.

This behaviour is totally unfair. It's understandable that you would think there is someone else in the picture considering the drastic change in behaviour and goals.

I've never been engaged but I know this must really be breaking your heart. My advice normally would be to tell her to 'get f****d!' but I don't know how easy that would be considering you were engaged.

Her feelings have obviously changed for a reason and you don't want someone who can't even commit to not seeing anyone while your on a break.

It seems like she's playing games, wanting you to pine after while she goes out and has one last turn round the dancefloor.

[Romefalls19]

My rule is that the world won't wait for me, so I'm not going to wait around for anyone. If she doesn't want to be with me now, I don't want to be with her ever. Perhaps that's a cold way to look at things, but it works for me.

I am engaged, and I know it would break my heart to see my fiancé walk out the door. But I'm not going to wait around for her, especially when she won't give a date for the separation to be over. That is a red flag that she wants to have her fun and when she is ready to commit again, she wants you there.

[kctiger]

'get f****d!'

All right... do I know you? I thought I was the only one that knew this phrase and used it periodically. Where are you from?

[ZoeMarie]

I wouldn't wait around. In my a opinion a break, is a break up, especially when there are no rules to follow. You either want to be with someone and work through tough times, or you don't. I would never ask anyone for a break, it's just selfish.

[neverme]

Alright...do I know you? I thought I was the only one that knew this phrase and used it periodically. Where are you from?

Ha! I'll doubt it, and I keep it for special occasions when I just can't seem to get the exact sentiment out :D

I'm Irish by the way

[ka1]

Threads merged

Just how long are you supposed to do the NC rule? Do you just wait forthem to call, even its like 8 months. V-day is my favorite holiday, and I would like to be with her. We have not spoken for three weeks. Was thinking about emailing her. The flip side is if she has plans, then I know definitively how things are.

[Romefalls19]

You already know how things are, they have ended. Don't put yourself out there for even more hurt

[kctiger]

Are you doing NC just to get her back in your life? Did you get scammed by an e-book?

Valentine's Day is just another day. You don't need someone there to make you feel good. Go out, have fun, watch a movie, whatever, but for God's sake, don't ruin your progress just because of some commercial holiday. It really ain't that big of a deal.

[artlady]

NC is not a game that is played until a certain amount of time has passed.NC is letting go,the key word being go.

Letting go of a relationship that is over.You can't get over someone in three weeks,so you can not be friends yet.
Vday is for lovers,not friends.

Don't negate all the work you have done for the past 3 weeks.It couldn't have been easy.

Do you want to start from scratch again? Experience the pain of breaking up all over again.If she wanted to talk to you,she would have called.

For your own sake... continue to let this one go.

[kaitou]

NC never ends.

[ka1]

It has to end at some point, edpecially if it is so good at working. And no I don't quite accept that we are over. Silly maybe, but I just can't.

[kctiger]

Denial, what a dreadful stage...

Guess we all have to learn the hard way. Good luck!

It's not that you CAN'T accept it is over, it is you WON'T.

[SAB123]

The fact is it may be over, but if you sit around and hope it's not over you will never move on. The fact is on one of my breakups I could not come to terms it was over. She did come and just continued to keep breaking up with me. NC is not for an ex to come back, it's for you to heal and move on. It's been 1 1/2 years since I last contacted my ex, and I will continue NC until I die.

[ka1]

No I won't. Why can't I be part of the 3% that do get back together. Waht's the difference? 7 yrs is not a casual thing.

[kctiger]

You want to know when you can break NC? It is when you can start thinking with your head, and not your heart. You are still blinded by emotions, which make you vulnerable to breaking down. Until you are able to think, clearly, with your head, make rationale decisions, that better you, don't break NC.

[SAB123]

No I won't. Why can't I be part of the 3% that do get back together. Waht's the difference? 7 yrs is not a casual thing.

I was with my ex fiancé for 5 years and she broke up with me 5-6 times. It's kind of hard when she kept breaking up with me over and over. On the last break up I was healed enough to know that she was treating me like garbage and Their's a reason why people break up because the other is not into the other person. You are only living on false hope and delaying your healing process.

[ka1]

Then I geuss there's no point to any of this and no one EVER gets back together. We've never broken up once in 7yrs.

[kctiger]

Why do you come on here and ask a question and then get mad when people give their advice? Do what you want to do, and quit wasting people's time.

[ka1]

I'm not mad. I'm just wondering what makes the exception? They do exist, so how, is my question. And for the people that do make it back, did the dumpee have to wait for their ex to contact them.