[saralo]

I am in recovery for alcoholism, have been sober for about 16 months. It's been hard but the best thing I have ever done. I have been struggling with a relationship with a man also in the Program. We are told in the Program to let go and let God. I try to do this but can't seem to let go on this issue. We met about 4 months ago and the chemistry was strong. Eventually he asked me to lunch , where he told me some of his story. He was in the Program for a few years. He met a woman, she got pregnant. They never married but she got pregnant again and they began to build a family. At some point she began to use drugs again. Apparently she is a meth/speed user. She got pregnant a 3rd time. He is not sure if the youngest is his, never took a test to prove it or not. He ended up getting full custody of the 3 children and was raising them on his own. Then he said he began to "use" again. I asked him if drugs were part of his story, but he didn't really answer. I was surprised but have heard many stories at the countless meetings I have attended and not much freaks me out. If there is a willingness to do better anyone can change. Currently he has about 3 months sobriety, as far as I know. He seems to be taking it very seriously. After our lunch we talked on the phone and he said his Sponsor (mentor in the Program) told him now was NOT the time to become involved with a woman. I agreed, my Sponsor felt the same. It is strongly recommended we don't do that in the 1st year of sobriety. He fumbled with his words but did say he felt a strong attraction towards me, I confessed the same. We decided that it would be best to remain friends and see what happens. I felt this was wise, that we were being very adult. He asked "Sara will you wait for me?" While I scramble for an answer he said "Oh no, I was just kidding..." Then began this on again off again struggle. He would make a date and had to cancel due to work. Then a phone call after I saw him at a meeting just to tell me "I looked hot." Then another broken date, he was with his Sponsor and his Sponsor didn't care (understandably) if he ran late and missed our lunch date. Then another flirty call, then nothing. Last week a friend of his shared in a meeting about a woman who is getting out of jail and now wants another chance. It was detailed and I knew it was the mother of his children this man was speaking about, he pointed out his friend in the back of the room as the father, it was my love interest. I have not heard a peep from him since. I really want to move on but can't. If he is trying again with the mother of his children then that is something he must do. I don't want to stand in the way of that. I'm not sure if he is or isn't. I have a lot of questions! Waiting does not feel good to me! I would like to know if it's a waste of my time and just put him in the "didn't work out" category and be done with it. If he weren't in recovery I think I could. Am I just making excuses for him? Is he sincere? Or is he full of crap and toying with me? I have deleted his phone numbers so I won't be tempted to call him. I just want some peace on this! Help.

[Krs]

Hello and welcome to AMHD :)

Firstly I think you have done right in deleting his phone numbers. I personally think he is toying with you.

Now that this women ( the mother of his kids ) is out of jail, it could be that only more problems will arise.

I would concenrate on giving yourself a full recovery a 100% for you.

[saralo]

Thank you, I probably needed to hear that. After reading my post back to myself I sounded nuts. What if he asks me out again? What do I do?

[Krs]

That is entirely up you..

Would u trust him?

[Wildcat21]

I personally think you should stay away from this guy. He has too much baggage. 3 kids and sobriety is a lot to handle.

Find a good guy that doesn't have the wife and kids. Someone who is can help you and understand.

I agree about not rushing into anything.

[talaniman]

Until your recovery has reached a point you can deal with life on lifes own terms I suggest you stay out of a relationship with any one at this point in your life. Give yourself the chance to recover from what I know is a deadly disease. You'll have plenty of time for healthy relationships after your recovery has made YOU healthy again.

[valinors_sorrow]

You know they say in "the rooms" that a romance in early sobriety is like sprinkling Miracle Grow on character defects. And now you see why. Please don't hazard your recovery any further with complications like this. Romance and recovery can be a disastrous mix. Get in with some good sober girlfriends. And get yourself a sponsor (I heard no mention of one for you?) Use her until you develop your own red flag system. Mine went off at the mention of the ex's relapse, the poor kids, jail, his relapse,. okay, get the picture? What are you doing with that in early recovery yourself?

Please consider that IF you are to date, it only be once a week and no heavy emotional stuff exchanged until the twelfth date, lol, I mean it! You two jumped in way too fast on each other and now its all sticky because of it not working out. Whether he is full of crap or not, he isn't really available so act accordingly on that. I like how you deleted his number, now learn to leave him alone and the peace will come when you heal and make yourself whole without a man shoring that up. And that, Saralo, will take lessons from other women... so get busy with them, please? First things first here!

[Skell]

I agree with Tal, simple and great advice. Look after YOU first. You have enough on your plate without this as well!
Good luck!

[s_cianci]

Because he is in recovery he is very vulnerable and probably can't handle too many things on his plate right now, if you get my drift. Add to that the fact that his sponsor is strongly advising him against getting involved with anyone right now. To top it off, if the mother of his children is in fact seeking another chance that will clutter his emotions even more. All things considered you may need to write this one off, at least for right now if not forever. He has a lot to sort out and probably can't make the emotional investment in a relationship just now. Things may eventually work out but for now I'd just go on with my life and forget about him right now.

[RelationshipVision]

Despite the wisdom of "No Intimate Relationships During the First Year of Sobriety," many recovering addicts fail to heed this well-known dictum. They have a hard time accepting that a hiatus from intimate relationships is necessary, possibly because they don't understand the "Why?" The problem is not the relationship or intimacy per se. It's the sex. Sex tends to increase one's level of emotional involvement and intensity of feelings, which those in early recovery don't usually have the ability to deal. The overwhelming majority of these relationships do not work out. When treatment practitioners take the time to explain that a year of sobriety and 'relationship abstinence' are merely meant to allow a sufficient amount of time to learn how to deal with one's emotions without having to resort to addictive behavior, build self-awareness and become responsible for one's own emotional care, chances are much greater that recovering people will adhere to this guideline and will end up developing lasting, intimate relationships in the long run..

“No Intimate Relationships During the First Year of Sobriety”

By Daniel Linder MFT

Recovering addicts hear this all the time in 12-step programs. However, this sound bit of wisdom is rarely heeded. Many have a hard time accepting that a hiatus from intimate relationships is necessary. In their minds, dating and new relationships seem benign. “As long as I’m not using and we’re not using and are in a program, I’m safe.” Not so fast. Getting into an intimate relationship prematurely is, as my mother would say, “Ill-conceived, ill-advised and ill-consummated.”

Odds are more than fifty percent of marriages will end in divorce for the general population. Want to venture a guess as to the odds for those in early recovery who test this cardinal rule?

Despite one’s best laid plans or intentions to not re-enact the same dysfunction and failures of previous relationships, the odds are overwhelmingly against the relationship -- doomed to be dysfunctional or have a shortened life expectancy.

Of course, there are always exceptions to the rule, but assuming that we would not want our emotional and mental well-being to hinge on a miracle, is it worth the risk? But this is not what the recovering addict is thinking about. When it comes to delaying gratification, when it comes to ‘choosing’ between ‘one step at a time’ versus ‘all at once,’ thinking in terms of gradual and taking time to develop and being objective and realistic are not how addicts are wired. There is no point of reference. Most recovering addicts don’t realize that admitting to being out of control and surrendering to their powerlessness, as having done so in Steps I and II, also apply to their emotions when dating and in early stage relationships.

The problem is not the relationship or the intimacy. It’s the sex. Sex tends to increase one’s level of emotional involvement and intensity of feelings, especially for women. Men tend to cope by splitting off from their feelings; that is, are more likely to engage in sexual relationships while remaining emotionally divorced or superficial. Sex is a trigger for emotional over-involvement or under-involvement relative to the stage of relationship. Either way, each one’s inability to manage his/her own emotional needs and provide self-nourishment will eventually jeopardize the developing relationship.

What often happens is that sex, exciting enough as it is, often leads to an infusion of romantic feelings, which can further heighten the excitement, which then awakens the “sleeping giant” -- the backlog of unmet emotional needs from previous relationships. The “giant” awakens (emotionally) ravenous and is not aware of the extent his/her hunger drives the relationship. Our unmet emotional needs reside in our unconscious and are sealed off from our awareness.

It’s during the first year of recovery that the addict is to learn how to break the cycle of addiction. A year of sobriety and ‘relationship abstinence’ are meant to allow a sufficient amount of time to deal with one’s own emotions without having to resort to his/her addiction, to build self-awareness and to become responsible for one’s own emotional care. Rather than relying on an external source for relief or emotional gain, which is what s/he is accustomed to do, s/he begins to look internally, to rely on oneself as a source of emotional nourishment.

“The most important relationship is with oneself” poses a complete paradigm shift to the recovering addict. If the necessary amount of time to grow the relationship with oneself hasn’t lapsed, chances are the recovering addict will do what they’ve been accustomed to do all of their lives; that is to look outside of oneself for relief or to make up for what is missing emotionally.

When unmet emotional needs begin to get played out in the relationship, the relationship can become an addictive or dysfunctional one, which further perpetuates the cycle of addiction. There may be excitement and hope at the beginning, but it’s only be a matter of time before increasing strife, stress and dysfunction lead to the relationship’s demise. An additional factor of concern is that dysfunctional and failed relationships dramatically increase the risk of relapse.

At the 5 month point of a sustained period of ‘relationship abstinence,’ Linda, a recovering alcoholic, proceeded to date a man, Jack, whom she met at a 12-Step meeting. Jack had been sober 10 years.

After approximately 5 dates during 3 weeks of dating him, the “writing was on the wall.” Linda had sex with him on the third date, which felt like quite an accomplishment that she was able to wait “so long.” When I asked her to assess the level of her emotional involvement, she thought about it awhile before saying in a tone of wonderment, “Not too much I hope. Noticed myself checking my phone messages more frequently than usual. That’s all.” She was referring his anticipated return from being out of town for several days. She didn’t want to fret about whether he would call her upon his return, but she did. She didn’t want to end up calling him before he called her, but she just couldn’t wait.

There were other indications of emotional over-involvement. When Linda talked about how she reacted when a couple of overtures she had made to him, i.e. expressing a desire to celebrate his birthday together and a dinner invitation, he suggested they “play it by ear,” she noticed herself getting angry and responding sarcastically to him.

It was apparent that Linda was looking for assurances that he is still interested. When his assurances weren’t forthcoming, she reacted as if he wasn’t being truthful, that he really wasn’t interested in her or the relationship, which wasn’t the case. He might have been taken aback by the edge in her voice. Linda couldn’t see that she was reacting from wounds of past relationships, from a place of insecurity, and the extent her mental and emotional well being hinged on how he responded to her.

The challenge for Linda remains the same as for any other recovering addict; taking the time -- how ever long the process of self-reclamation takes, before entering into a sexually, intimate relationship.

“No intimate relationships during the first year of sobriety” is merely a reminder that it takes a year or so of rigorous participation in a program that is sobriety and self-based before one is emotionally ready to get sexually involved. If entering into such a relationship prematurely, the recovering person, and anyone else for that matter, runs the risk of unresolved dependency issues tainting the newly developing relationship.


Bio:

Daniel Linder MFT is a licensed psychotherapist in the San Francisco Bay Area, Relationship Trainer, Addiction Specialist; Author: Demystifying Addiction, Relationship Recovery and numerous related articles; and to be released April 1, 07, Intimacy, The Essence of True Love. CEU’s: Relational Recovery Training (8 CEU’s), The Relational Model of Addiction (6 CEU’s), Stigma, The Game of Appearances (3 CEU’s), Diagnosing Addiction and Mastering Intervention (2 CEU’s each).

Website: Free Relationship Help and Training Resource - Relationship Vision - Empowering the Transformation of Relationships
E-mail: [email protected]