[imlost]

Bare with me... this is the first time I am doing this and it may be long. In order to begin, I need to give you a little history. Back in high school, I entered into a relationship with my best friend. We were so happy and still until this day, the times I spent with him are some of my most cherished. I have never been able to open up and feel the way I did with him. We lost our virginity to each other our senior year... so we always have a bond of being each others first and first love. However, due to his immaturity our relationship took a turn for the worse and we had a horrible break up. I remember not being to eat for days at a time and crying constantly. I thought he just threw me away and not only did I lose my best friend but my boyfriend... the one I thought I was supppose to spend the rest of my life with. I went through one guy after the next trying to get over him. A few years later I saw him again and I knew it was over. Then I met my husband shortly after.
My husband and I have been married for almost 12 years. I really did love him but was amazed at how many times my ex would pop into my head. Even on my wedding day I was thinking of my ex. Maybe it was because I did not have closure or maybe because I always felt he was the love of my life. I heard that my ex was looking for me shortly before I got married, but I did not want to be found. I was afraid he just wanted to play with my head.
Fast forward 12 years later. Throughout the years I have thought of my ex and have had dreams. But I push the feelings back and try to get on. I thought I got over him years ago. In my marriage, my husband has had 3 affairs... the current one has been going on for 2 years now. I just found this out! I have given him chances and he continues to cheat and he does not want to go into counseling or stop talking to his newest girl. My heart has turned black towards him and I want out of the marriage. I have been a housewife for a long time and have stayed because of our 2 children and scared I won't be able to make it financially... but I feel more alone when he is around then when he is not and have decided to leave. Just trying to get loose ends tied before I can.
About a week ago, I got a friend request on Facebook from my ex. He wrote to tell me how bad he felt things happened and hoped I had forgiven him. I accepted and we have been talking every night. He is married. That crushed me... horrible, right? But I can't help it. Anyway we started talking and it seemed like old times. He kept talking about how devastated he was when he lost me and that he had tried to find me. And then one night he opened up more telling me that he has always loved me and has never been able to connect with another woman like me. He then told me that his wife left for 18 months and that he thinks she is having an affair. So he is having problems... sounds similar to mine.
I realize after all these years... that I am not over him. He is still the love of my life. We are trying to keep it simple and not confusing... but I don't know how well that will work considering out past and current feelings.
I don't know how to handle this... I know I need to sit back and let he and his wife see what is going to come of their marriage. He wants his marriage to work, but still loves me and is hurt by the fact that he thinks she is cheating. (She left for work reasons by the way... and that is where the affair started). So I just wonder if two people who share a bond like us and who are dealing with cheating spouses can eventually spend the rest of their lives together? I need advice big time!!

[JudyKayTee]

I don't think a relationship based on lies - which cheating is - has much of a chance. I'm sure others who post regularly on this Board will have better and/or different advice.

If your marriage is over, if his marriage is over, then dissolve that marriage. Then go forward.

Personally I have too much self respect to be the other woman, always have.

[artlady]

You still feel this great feeling for your ex because you never had a bad experience with him.You were so young and first love,hearts and flowers,that's not the real world of love and struggle and adult relationships.

If your marriage is over and when and if he is a free man,than and only then would I suggest pursuing this further.Otherwise ,you are asking to be the other woman and I believe in sisterhood and would never do that to another woman.

It is also degrading to you.

You sound as if you are ready to move on but I suggest you move on to you.Get to know who you are as a single adult woman and then you will be ready to have a fulfilling relationship.

[HistorianChick]

I don't think the issue is about your ex. You already know that you need to sit back and let him work out his own problems, without you involved. You know that you can't break up a marriage.

The real issue here is the fact that you're accepting your husband's affairs. You are allowing him to use you; by not standing up for yourself the first time, you essentially told him that it's OK, you won't leave for the kids, and he can do whatever he wants - no consequences. When someone cheats, there SHOULD be consequences.

You were a better/stronger woman that I would have been when you found out he had an affair the first time. But, you've heard that saying, "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me." You're being played and allowing it. That second time you found out, you should have taken the kids and left.

But you didn't. You decided to give him another chance to redeem himself. That, again, is stronger than I would have been. Now that he has, once again, broken your marriage vows and shattered whatever trust you had in him, you are left with a decision.

Stay with a cheating, lying man, or take your life back, stand up, and make a change. Your children are growing up in a home where there is no trust, no communication, no relationship. That is not a good example for them.

Sweetie, take your children and go to your family. You're giving him the control - the control that is YOURS, and only yours. Have you heard the song by Rascal Flatts, "Stand"? Listen to it.

Find your proverbial "end of the line," get off your knees, and take your power back. NO man has the right to treat you this way.

The ex - well, let him do the same. If there was an affair, he needs to work that out and make his own choices.

Don't become the other woman for him - because you're becoming the woman that your husband was attracted to.

I wish you the best of luck and all the courage in the world.

[learnintolikeme]

You said that you broke up because he was immature. Sounds to me like he still has problems growing up. Take care of your own marriage first. This one has cheated 3 times. How do you put up with that?
Get out of this and find a worthy man, one that won't cheat.
When you are feeling down and walked over it is so easy to think back. This is a form for security searching. He was your first love, he made you feel good. That is why you can remember him so well. Then look at how he made you feel when you split up.
He won't leae his wife for you, he will use you to get revenge is that any platform for a secure and happy future?
I wish you all the best