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proteas · Feb 2, 2009, 12:59 AM

We have been married 11 years (and dated for 4 before that) and have 2 kids. The first 10 years I was really busy with work and she had a tough time coping with the loneliness bought on by a few job-related re-locations and bringing up our first child single handily as a stay at home Mom. About 18 months ago I took a sabbatical from my regular job and took up some lite work from home to spend time with the kids and give her a chance to start working again.

Her new found lifestyle gave her the freedom she wanted but has brought a lot of bottled up issues to the front. The fact that I never had the time for her through the personal issues she dealt (loneliness, confidence boosting at times, bringing up our first kid) but always found ways to find fault in what she did; she even visited a psychiatrist on her own many years ago to help her deal with these issues... and I did not do much to help her then either.

These bubbling emotions (some stated and others not) have created innumerable arguments and angst between us over the last 9-12 months. Our sex life deteriorated rapidly. On a couple of occasions I suggested that we see a counselor but we never moved on it believing that we would be able to correct things ourselves. By the time we finally did agree to meet a counselor the damage was done... out of the blue one day she decided to move out stating that she couldn't take it anymore... needed her space to breathe and regain her life. Fortunately, she agreed to going through a stage where she would live out of the guest room for the sake of our kids but made it clear that she would never turn back and that the separation was final -- she even went to the extent of saying that I was free to have women over. That was 2 months ago, on my birthday. I was devastated.

The shock of her potentially leaving me brought about tremendous realization and subsequent change in me and my personality (at least as it applied to her). For example, the angst that I would typically face when we went through a disagreement was overnight replaced by the feeling unqualified acceptance. Four weeks later, I worked through her anger by doing the little things for her, everyday. I ate huge quantities of humble pie over that period and spent many a night just trying to massage my frayed emotions, readying myself for the day ahead -- I always started my day by getting her a cup of coffee and a warm good morning. I found new and different ways to do things for and with her and make her (really) smile. I'm not perfect; every time I sliped-up it set us back a week at the least but I somehow found the strength to carry-on single minded and focused. The last 2 weeks have been much better: we went for a movie together (chick flick) and even danced a few times... at home. What has really heart warming is that she has reciprocated through words and deeds a few of times as well.

So what's the problem you ask. Well, she's not ready to come back to our bedroom. As she puts it she wants to make sure this phase is long lasting and is not entirely convinced that someone can change so much so quickly. My explanation to her that ''when someone faces a life altering situation such changes can happen" has not been bought by her as yet. It's not easy for me to go on without her emotional support (may be part of my changed persona) so I need to find a way to accelerate her movement over the last hump of our separation. Does anyone know of some well documented cases where people have changed quickly and permanently when faced with a life altering situation (doesn't have to be marital)? Something that I can share with her to let her know that I am not unique and more importantly that the change is for real. Also, any other thoughts of how I can navigate this last mile would really help.

cozyk · Feb 2, 2009, 01:47 AM

Do not, I repeat do not pressure her on the sex thing. You are doing fine but SHE has to be the one to come around in that dept. The best thing you can do is be happy with the progress you have made and don't ever "tell her" that you have changed, just show her. And not just until you get back to "normal". Always. When your good behavior remains a constant that she can trust and not just think it is a ploy to get her back, or get her in the sack, THEN she will come around. Be patient, if you rush it, you'll screw it up. And keep up the good work.

BTW I had a similar situation in 2001 where I had to prove I'd changed. I had to live it and show it, and I still make a conscious effort to live it till this day.

trmpldonagn · Feb 2, 2009, 01:53 AM

Good day to you there Proteas. Your wife is wondering if your change is permanent. She's not going to find out by keeping her distance. Some people sincerely do try to change or think that they have. It could be a matter of time before old habits come back to surface. You sound like a gentleman and a scholar for your efforts. I hate to hear when a marriage is (possibly) falling apart. Can you suggest counseling again? It's too bad that she said the damage was done but I disagree with where you two thought you could work it out without counseling. I think it's worth a try.

As far as life altering situations where people have changed? Some people come out of jail reformed. Some people drive slower if they were in a car accident because of speeding. But some people still smoke even though they had a cancer scare. Some people go back to jail. It is difficult to compare other situations to you as a person. Everyone is different. I do agree that you can change. I really believe that couples counseling could do wonders for you two. The question is, will she go? I hope for you that in her mind, it's not over. Best of luck to you and hang in there.

cozyk · Feb 2, 2009, 07:47 AM

Originally Posted by trmpldonagn

Good day to you there Proteas. Your wife is wondering if your change is permanent. She's not going to find out by keeping her distance. Some people sincerely do try to change or think that they have. It could be a matter of time before old habits come back to surface. You sound like a gentleman and a scholar for your efforts. I hate to hear when a marriage is (possibly) falling apart. Can you suggest counseling again?? It's too bad that she said the damage was done but I disagree with where you two thought you could work it out without counseling. I think it's worth a try.

As far as life altering situations where people have changed? Some people come out of jail reformed. Some people drive slower if they were in a car accident because of speeding. But some people still smoke even though they had a cancer scare. Some people go back to jail. It is difficult to compare other situations to you as a person. Everyone is different. I do agree that you can change. I really believe that couples counseling could do wonders for you two. The question is, will she go? I hope for you that in her mind, it's not over. Best of luck to you and hang in there.

Even if she will not agree to go to counseling, you may want to go yourself.Remember, your job is not to change her, only she can do that. Your job is to bring forth the best "you" that you can be. She will either find this very appealing and follow suit, but if she doesn't you will still get a better you, and that can only lead to good things in your life. I wish you peace and clear thinking. Stay focused on improving YOU.:)

Justwantfair · Feb 2, 2009, 08:05 AM

I agree the fact is that you need to continue to prove yourself in actions and let her come around in her own time.

The fact that you have made this change because of the "life altering situation" doesn't make it a permanent change. What do you believe will be any different when your life goes back to routine? What will happen when the "life altering situation" is no longer in front of you, and when things return to the way they were and she has to be ready to leave again just to see an adjustment in your attitude.

She is right to not want to rush back into a reconciliation. Take your time and don't rush her. Continue on your path, you are making progress. Good luck to you.

proteas · Feb 2, 2009, 09:30 AM

Thanks for the support guys! I'm already at greater peace with myself and less hurried to get anywhere. I guess as long as I know that we're headed in the correct direction it's good enough for now. I'm just going to enjoy this period of my life, knowing that it won't be around for ever and won't (I hope) ever repeat. And seriously, I really enjoy giving her attention on tap... as a matter of fact she's out there catching up with some office work looking really tired... I'm going to go over and give her a shoulder massage.

And as far as the suggestions for self counseling go, I guess I could have and should have done that 2 months ago when I was a wreck but feel a world of a difference and really confident now.

Cheers!

Ber Rabbit · Feb 2, 2009, 09:56 AM

You've taken a hard road but it sounds like you are getting a second chance. You have to stay mentally and emotionally healthy too, you don't want to end up feeling the way she did. Don't be afraid of the counseling just to have someone to talk to and don't be afraid to open up to her as well. Take your marriage back to the dating phase, flirt with each other, use this time to re-discover what it was that made you fall in love in the first place and re-kindle that love. Grow together rather than apart. I wish you well.
Ber

wolfgangqpublic · Feb 2, 2009, 08:54 PM

This will take some time, don't rush it, she'll come back when she feels she can trust you.

Get the counseling yourself, don't obligate her to go.

AND DON'T FALL BACK INTO YOUR OLD HABITS!

proteas · Feb 6, 2009, 06:05 AM

Hey Guys! Have started counseling sessions. Got a whole new perspective on things, past and present, and am able to take the ups and downs of this process a lot better. Irrespective of the outcome of my saga I know I'm going to come out a better person I was going into this. Rest is up to fate.

Thanks for the advice and shoot off a prayer for me when you get a moment!

cozyk · Feb 6, 2009, 07:25 AM

Originally Posted by proteas

Hey Guys! Have started counseling sessions. Got a whole new perspective on things, past and present, and am able to take the ups and downs of this process a lot better. Irrespective of the outcome of my saga I know I'm going to come out a better person I was going into this. Rest is up to fate.

Thanks for the advice and shoot off a prayer for me when you get a moment!

I'm so proud and pleased with your progress and the way this is unfolding. This is a success story no matter how it eventually ends up. Anytime you need a nudge, advice, want to express a concern, having a bad day, a good day, whatever, come to us here on AMHD. We are here for you, and we are FREE! To me, this is what it is all about. Helping each other through this complicated journey called life.:)

proteas · Mar 24, 2009, 05:26 AM

To all my well wishers out there I wanted to share with you that life is looking up... finally.

Counseling has really helped me bring perspective to the situation and build up my patience. I've done some personality tests (in absentia for my wife as well) that's helped explain a lot of her behavior and find ways to bridge differences in ours.

We've had several cathartic sessions (initated by me) which has not only brought out a lot of the past but allowed me to explain my actions... something she wanted to hear quite badly. With some of the bad blood out, she's more accepting of my caring and thoughtfulness -- for example I didn't realize how bad Sunday evening's were on her until I bought her a huge bouquet and saw her change the rest of evening like never before. I guess that goes to say I've learned my wife a lot in the last few months as well.

We still sleep in separate rooms but she confides a lot more in me and is comfortable opening up emotionally, something that the past me didn't allow her to do.

Most importantly I've developed far greater patience and still enjoy showing her my love very much. There are the occasional moments when she does the same and that's very reassuring.

Donno how long this phase will last but it's become less of a question for me as long as I know that were on the right path and making progress every week.

Thanks for being there when I needed you guys, and keep up the prayers... cause they seem to be working!

Cheers!

cozyk · Mar 24, 2009, 07:16 AM

I am so encouraged by your update. I know if I was the woman in this situation, I would be impressed that you were putting all this effort into "us".

but she confides a lot more in me and is comfortable opening up emotionally, something that the past me didn't allow her to do.

Being comfortable to open up emotionally to you and feel safe to do it is HUGE. Don't ever make her regret it by using it against her, or throwing it in her face in the heat of an argument or you will undo all the good work you have done. For a woman to feel safe to share her heart with her husband is even more intimate than sex. She is trusting you with her most vulnerable self and you should see that as a great honor. But, remember, this can't be a temporary thing, it has to go on forever and you should feel safe to share your inner most feelings with her too.

Your report has made me smile. Keep up your good work.
There is a fine line between a man seeming desperate and trying every trick in the book, and a man that is sincerely putting in hard work on himself, to bring forth a man that deserves her respect and love. You are succeeding with this fine line.

Don't know if you are familiar with Dr. Laura. I think she can really be a bee-otch but she always ended her show with these words. After her last bit of advice she would always say...

NOW, go take on the day.
Cozyk

cozyk · Mar 24, 2009, 12:20 PM

I am so encouraged by your update. I know if I was the woman in this situation, I would be impressed that you were putting all this effort into "us".

But she confides a lot more in me and is comfortable opening up emotionally, something that the past me didn't allow her to do.Being comfortable to open up emotionally to you and feel safe to do it is HUGE. Don't ever make her regret it by using it against her, or throwing it in her face in the heat of an argument or you will undo all the good work you have done. For a woman to feel safe to share her heart with her husband is even more intimate than sex. She is trusting you with her most vulnerable self and you should see that as a great honor. But, remember, this can't be a temporary thing, it has to go on forever and you should feel safe to share your inner most feelings with her too.

Your report has made me smile. Keep up your good work.
There is a fine line between a man seeming desperate and trying every trick in the book, and a man that is sincerely putting in hard work on himself, to bring forth a man that deserves her respect and love. You are succeeding with this fine line.

Don't know if you are familiar with Dr. Laura. I think she can really be a bee-otch but she always ended her show with these words. After her last bit of advice she would always say...

NOW, go take on the day.
Cozyk

Jake2008 · Mar 25, 2009, 01:32 AM

I admire you for taking steps to put things on track. This may very well be the effort that is needed, and I sincerely hope it works out for you.

I lived in your wife's shoes. With my husband's career, we moved 13 times since we were married. My children were in 6 different schools in 8 years. He was indifferent to all of it, as he was busy with his career and I was at home, raising children and preparing myself for the next inevitable move.

I used to crave attention from him, but he saw no value in me. He was so far removed from his family that at one point we agreed to separate.

That was when he changed. He'd show up with flowers, do all the little things that meant so much. He had a rude awakening, thinking, despite my obvious pleas to even talk, that I would ever consider leaving.

I had to learn to trust him all over again. I had serious doubts that he could really mean it for the long haul. I kept my guard up because I had learned to cope with life and kids on my own, and it was not up to me to keep him, it was up to him to do what he had to do to stay.

I'm happy to say that it all worked out. The experience was very difficult emotionally for me, and for him. He had to really figure out what he valued in his life, and what he needed to do to succeed with his marriage and family.

So, while I understand your quick turnaround, I have experienced that with my husband myself, it will take time for it to completely settle with your wife. She may have lingering doubts for a long time before she can emotionally be 100% committed again.

Do the very best you can, and my guess is she will come around.

proteas · May 3, 2009, 04:47 AM

Hi Guys! Would like to share with you that I've made it through. We have reconciled and are back together much stronger as a couple than we have ever been.

The last five months have been a tremendous learning for me and has made me a new person with a much richer appreciation of my wife and me personally. While my wife has moved back in our room only a couple of days ago it has become quite evident that she has let out all the bad blood of the past and filled that up with strong and positive emotions towards me and our kids.

I hope this encourages others out there who are in a similar situation and aren't sure whether it is worth the effort.

It is, quite clearly, "great to be alive"!

Cheers!

anon157 · May 3, 2009, 07:26 PM

Proteas,

Thank you for sharing your story. I am trying to rebuild the relationship with my wife as well. It has been a month and a half since I realized I had been neglecting her. I have been very frustrated lately in the fact that she has not responded to my "change" After reading your posts, I will find a new found sense of patience. I know that I will be changed, but now it is up to her to decide whether to accept this change on "her" time, not mine.

Again thanks again.