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lilawil85 · Jan 30, 2009, 07:48 AM

Hi, I am engaged and will marry in 6 months. My Fiancé is 10 years older than me, if this means anything. He has a 10-year-old daughter, which he has legal custody of on weekends starting on Friday. His sister baby-sits for him because he works on weekends. My question is what happens after we are married? I'm I now responsible to take care of her every weekend (my only days off)? I get along very well with her and I truly don't mind doing it once in a while. How do I tell my future husband that I don't want to be tied down on my time off with his daughter? I'm I wrong for feeling this way? Please help me...

shannon1973 · Jan 30, 2009, 07:56 AM

When you met him did you know about his child? I think when you marry someone who has children you take on that responsibility. Maybe a babysitter one or two days a month so you can have some time to yourself.

starfirefly · Jan 30, 2009, 07:56 AM

It's a hard thing to do, but you knew he came with a daughter so by marrying him you should be accepting the fact that you are going to be a step mom and she is also 10 years old its not like you have to do a whole lot with her, you need to let him know that you will be there to help but still need your own free time as well

HistorianChick · Jan 30, 2009, 08:09 AM

You're marrying a family, not a man. If this is unfair to you, then you need to rethink your decision to marry.

She WILL be YOUR daughter when you marry - and actually, she should be your daughter now, even before you sign a paper.

You're an instant Mom when you marry a guy with a kid. Yes, you will be responsible to take care of her as a mother should.

Fr_Chuck · Jan 30, 2009, 09:38 AM

Yes, if you can not marry him and his family you need to stop wedding plans now. There will be weeks in the summer most likely, christmas and holidays where his child will take priority when he has them.

If you can not take on the role of a step parent you need to back out

penny69 · Jan 30, 2009, 01:27 PM

You need to think about what you really want. I have two kids and recently re-married a man with no children of his own. Although he does love my kids and does watch them while I work, I feel as though he is not truly happy with being tied down. This has caused a lot of hurt and resentment on my part. Make sure this is whay you want before you say "I do" Your not only affecting your life, but those of your fiancé and his child too.

Wondergirl · Jan 30, 2009, 01:38 PM

I agree with the above responses and want to add that this young lady can add so much to your life, and you to hers. She's at a terrific age! -- very mobile and easy to entertain. Bake cookies with her, let her help you clean house, plan meals and grocery shop with her, go to the library, read to each other. The two of you could have so much fun together! Don't think of her as a pain and ruination for your free time. Think of her as a positive addition to your life! And your good will regarding her and her growing appreciation and love for you will only enhance your relationship with her father. I envy you!

talaniman · Jan 31, 2009, 10:51 AM

Would you treat your own daughter that way??

Mymama · Jan 31, 2009, 02:24 PM

You sound very selfish to me. If she was to read this how do you think that would make her feel? I was with my stepmom on the weekend because my father work also. She didn't make it fun, to this day I really can't stand her. So my question to you is, what kind of relationship do you want with your new child? Do you want her to LOVE you or HATE you? She will make or break or marriage! Watch one do you think your husband would choose: new wife or his own blood. Thank about it!! Again YOU MARRY THE WHOLE FAMILY NOT JUST THE MAN!!

artlady · Jan 31, 2009, 02:33 PM

You bought the whole package so you need to be firm if you don't want to be weekend Mama.

I would think it is important to you to create a relationship with this child,who is the child of the man you love.Shes 10 its not like it would be that difficult to take her with you.

I think you would look at this as a chance to be friends and help her through this.I think hubby would like it as well.If you love him you have to love his child.That is the way parents think!

She is probably going to resent you anyway.. just because your not Mom so you should go out of your way to be friends.
Heavens knows when she is 16 she will need to have a friend.
Your not Mom but you need to be someone in her life.

N0help4u · Feb 1, 2009, 08:30 AM

I agree with the others she should be a joy instead of a problem.
If you do not want to spend time ''babysitting'' her NOW then what and how are you going to handle it if and when you get married and it comes time to be just the two of you will you still view it as babysitting? So what is the difference now or then?
You need to establish a good relationship with her NOW rather than seeing her as a child that you HAVE to babysit.

Jake2008 · Feb 1, 2009, 08:46 AM

I agree with all the other posts.

You are marrying a package deal. Your relationship with your future husband, his daughter, AND his ex-wife, and his sister, are all part of the package.

You cannot avoid having a relationship with the child. If you do, she will feel rejected, and all the good intentions in the world won't fix it. Right off the bat, you have to be prepared for motherhood, even if it is only 2 days a week, plus probably part of the summer vacation, every other Christmas, birthday's etc.

It is not selfish of you to question this whole situation. This is YOUR life after all. There is no shame in deciding not to take on this huge responsibility, but you cannot negotiate the child. She will be a constant in your life from the minute you sign on the dotted line.

If on the other hand, you decide to marry this man, do so with your eyes wide open, and your homework done. Realize what the role of being a mother means, and do your homework ahead of time.

She may be a great kid, but realize that she will hit the teen years too, and what you may find fun and pleasant in a relationship with her now, may be entirely different in a few short years.

It isn't too late to back out if you decide that this marriage is not for you.

talaniman · Feb 1, 2009, 09:41 AM

Is it my responsibility to babysit my future stepchild?

Yes! Its also your responsibility to be a good role model and help raise this young female. If you cannot handle that responsibility, don't marry the guy!

What's telling to me is you look on this as a burden, not an opportunity.

You aren't ready to marry him so tell him your true feelings now, not later.

Daryldunmore · Feb 2, 2009, 03:52 PM

Comes with marriage, you don't like it then you better rethink this over. My with has 2 kids and I helped in what ever I could do because we are a team. You need to be sure this is what you want.