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    JustDad's Avatar
    JustDad Posts: 3, Reputation: 2
    New Member
     
    #1

    Jan 29, 2009, 01:42 PM
    Stepfather Mentally/Emotionally/Physically abusing daughter
    I am at a loss for what to do, which is why I came on here.

    I am a father of a 16 yr old girl.
    I was her soccer coach growing up.(Go Mighty Leprechauns!)
    I did all her classroom projects for school with her
    I attended all her award cermonies and was lucky enough to
    Become president of "Dads Club" on her elementary school campus.

    What I Wasn't was a good husband to her mother. Who suffered from my own mean spiritedness and control issues. And insecurities. Galore.

    And she left me and divorced me. Early on Which, looking back is JUST what I had coming. Yup.

    Years later and TONS of counseling and anger management classes, I feel like I have made a lot of progress and have insight into my own formerly viscous and insecure behaviour.I am a much better person now, like myself more, and am a better chocie as a mate than before, when I should have had a " Danger!Do not get near " sign tattoed to my forehead.


    My ex wife went on to date different guys.
    I met very few of them, which is OK because I didn't NEED to to be the one screening them, she had moved on with her life and was making her OWN choices and didn't need my help ( Read:Control) as shed had PLENTY of that in the past.

    I dated different women. The quality of which has gotten better since I got me STRAIGHTENED out.


    My ex wife tended to pick guys that were verbally abusive, both to her and to my daughter. The last boyfriend she had fit this profile and my daughter suffered for it.

    Then she met a guy. He had:

    A) A good paying job

    B) Similar interests as her(Surfing)

    C) Youthfull looks

    D) Single

    E)Widower who lost his last wife(How? )


    And she hung out with this guy, often staying gone from the house where my then 14 yr old daughter was for two or even THREE days, and my kid would call me and say she was scared to be alone. For days. And Id drop by and bring her food.

    So I went to her family members and told them about it.
    They had bought her car of her college graduation present and were currently paying on it
    And they "talked" to her.

    And she stopped staying gone for three days at a time
    And moved the then boyfriend in... and he started driving HER CAR.
    And the family members that were making the payments for the car STOPPED making those payments.
    And the boyfriend moved allhis stuff into her apt.

    THIS IS WHEN THINGS WENT SOUTH

    From the time he moved in he would tell her mom what to do.
    And he would drive her car. Which is her choice.
    But... he would also...

    Walk around the house in his boxers(With a 14 yr old in the house?)
    Drink beer and stock fridge with same(My ex wife WAS a Christian and didn't drink... THEN)
    Demand that things be SET STRAIGHT and neat and EXACT.

    You get the picture

    And she married this guy, my ex wife did.
    Which again I feel was her choice.

    And they moved into a nice rental house in a coastal san diego city.

    And from that day forth, the REAL problems started. Here's just a FEw of the things he has SAID to my daughter:

    "Your DAD is a loser(Meaning me)
    "Your Dad is a murderer(Meaning me... spent time in prison MANY MANY years ago of which my daughter is aware. Im not proud of this but it is part of my past.
    "You dont have a DAD...IM YOUR DAD now"
    "Your ugly and have a big nose"

    And to my ex wife he said:

    "Your a dumb "
    "You can't surf" (Which caused her to cry cause she worked hard on learning this)
    "Your fat" (And he watches he when she eats food.
    "You are an idiot"

    These are but a few of the thing he has said to both of them, but not by far the WORST of them.

    And my 16yr old daughter responds badley to him and tries to stick up for her mother


    And her mother makes excuses up for him, and, alllthough clearly enraged at how she's being treated... allways ends up meekly bowing her head and saying "YES DEAR"

    Which really pisses my daughter off.As both her and I have spoken about how I treated her mom and how it was innaprorpiate and to not tolerate a man treating you that way... no matter what..

    And the guy continues his reign. And his bullying. And his name calling. And demanding PERFECTION in all things doen at their house: " NO! The dishes must be put in the dishwasher THIS way!!!" he yells to them as they load it.


    Till one day he says one thing to many and my daughter gets inbto a shouting match with him. And she slaps hi, which I NEVER approve of, as violence is never the answer.

    And he grabs her by her arm and backhands her
    To the head... knocking her to the floor.

    SHE CRIES... and screams at her mom "Are you going to let him do this to ME!!"

    To which her mom replies"Well, you shouldnt have slapped him"


    Now at this point I can:

    a) Get my third strike and make him disappear(Again this is not an appropriate response)

    b) Call CPS and then my kid gets put into a FOSTER HOME for her last two years of HS, and well all know what happens in a lot of those places(Physical/emotional. Sexual abuse)

    c) Help take her to court to get emanicpated as a minor. But she needs a f/t job to do this no?

    I need to mention two things about this situation for you to make a good call:

    A)Im currently homeless, lost my job and got behind on my rent so can't take her myself and the courts would probably not give her to me, given my legal background from 25 yrs ago...

    B) RIGHT after the incident of him knocking her down, both he and mom went on VACATION to Hawaii... as they had planned to BEFORe it happened


    C) My ex is PREGNANT from this monster. Which again is her choice, but affects my daughter badley

    D)MY daughter is SCARED of him, my ex is SCARED of him and my daughter thinks
    That because both of them put on such a good "SHOW" in public(jobs, married her pregnant etc) that my daughters complaints will fall on deaf ears. My kid is frustrated cause everyone seems to think that they are such the perfect family and behind clsoed doors its like THIS.



    PLEASE TELL ME WHAT TO DO. BECAUSE AT THIS POINT IM NOT SURE
    If you can give me more insight into ho wher mom is operating
    And more insight into the legal end of things here, and more insight into
    What somebody like that thinks like(The guy)


    Id appreciate it.

    Im pretty much worn out and confused. So please... everyone on here! Write me about this, if you have suffered similar treatment or know someone who has and how it ended.


    INPUT PLEASE




    A REALLY WORRIED DAD



    P.S.

    For all you Christians out there, yes I have went to prayer on this. That's why I am even talking about it... instead of just reacting to it.
    asking's Avatar
    asking Posts: 2,673, Reputation: 660
    Ultra Member
     
    #2

    Jan 29, 2009, 02:31 PM

    What about grandparents, aunts and uncles, friends?

    At 16, your daughter can tell a judge that she wants to go live with someone else, if they are willing to take her. My nephew went to live with the parents of friends for his last year of high school when my sister had cancer.

    Is there someone? Think about this.

    She may not want to abandon her mother, but I'm guessing the mother is too overwhelmed by day to day stress to think long term how to deal with this. She may also be feeling she already failed once, with you, not counting boyfriends, and that somehow this is all her fault and she has to make it work (maybe, just a thought). But someone needs to rescue her too. But start with your daughter.
    uhhleesha's Avatar
    uhhleesha Posts: 105, Reputation: 21
    Junior Member
     
    #3

    Jan 29, 2009, 11:06 PM

    Call DHS or child services. They will arrange a meeting with the child at school, and will usually call the parents while they are at work/away from the child the day off so the parents are unable to persuade the child.

    What about the rest of the family? They might be able to adopt her and get her out of harms way.
    ShadyLady's Avatar
    ShadyLady Posts: 98, Reputation: 10
    Junior Member
     
    #4

    Jan 30, 2009, 12:56 AM

    You need to get you life together and then do what you can to help your daughter.

    Your ex is the way she is because she was conditioned to be that way. If it continues, your daughter will get the message that this is "normal" and will end up in the same type of relationship(s).

    Having a record from 25 years ago should not keep you from getting a job. You can't possibly still be on parole, and it was so long ago I don't think it would even show up on a background check if one was even done.

    You know what's going to happen. The situation is going to get worse. In some states a law has been enacted making it illegal for a steparent to hit a stepchild, even if it is considered "punishment". Check the state's law your daughter lives in.

    Also tell your daughter to not hesitate to call the police if he hits her again. If Child Services gets involved they would not necessarily put her in a Foster Home. They would look for a relative to place her with first.
    jjb4060's Avatar
    jjb4060 Posts: 87, Reputation: 1
    Junior Member
     
    #5

    Jan 31, 2009, 07:46 PM

    I don't think that your background will play a role in this situation. Often cps tries their hardest to keep the children with family instead of foster care. And if you could get a job and get up on your feet it would really look good in court. Your daughter may also be able to tell cps that she wants to be with you.

    Good luck to you!
    asking's Avatar
    asking Posts: 2,673, Reputation: 660
    Ultra Member
     
    #6

    Jan 31, 2009, 07:51 PM

    At 16, your daughter can tell a judge where SHE wants to live. If she can find someone to take her in, I think the transition can be done. I'm not saying it's easy, but it is possible for her to get out. You can help her make a list of possibilities and go talk to them discretely. It would probably be helpful to get some other input on this. For example, if there's a battered women's shelter or women's center nearby, your daughter might be able to get useful advice there. They might be able to arrange free or cheap legal advice.

    Have you talked to her about any of this?
    lilcandypanda's Avatar
    lilcandypanda Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #7

    Nov 30, 2011, 09:07 AM
    Its like you just described my life. My stepdad does that same thing. We get in yelling matches and fights. I threatened to beat his car with a golf club once and that did NOT blow over very well. We have 3 refrigeraters, one downstairs one in the garage and one in the kitchen. The one in the garage and downstairs are packed with beer. He also makes fun of my dad and mom and me and calls me retarded and calls my dad names for being in jail. He watches my mom. Every email. Every text. Every word. Its so scary

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