[sgoodnews]

I am currently in a relationship where one foot is already out the door. I have been married for 8 years; however over the past seven years my husband has shown very little interest in me physically. I am 30 and my husband is 38. We rarely had sex in past seven years. At last in average three or four times a year. Most were when we were trying to have a child. We have a five year old son now.

I was very confused and I didn’t know what to do or say. I didn’t want to complain since everything else was so great in our life. He was a very caring, loving, and loyal person. Still intimacy problem was always bothering me in our life and I couldn’t stop thinking what the problem can be. He never talked about it even once and everything seemed to be Okay to him. Finally last year I decided to talk to him about how I feel. As soon as I opened up to him everything got worse in our life. He even stopped hugging me, kissing me and holding my hand. He made a distance between us bigger and bigger. First he said that he had no idea about this problem in our life and he has never seen such a thing as a problem in life. After months I was begging him to find out and solve the problem he told me that he is not attracted to me anymore and there is no chemistry. Why and how, he never wants to talk about it. I don’t believe he is cheating on me. I was about leaving him but he didn’t want me to leave. He has seen two therapists in a past year. None of them worked. Every time I tried to get intimate, he rejected me and said he is not attracted to me and cannot do anything with me. I was so sad and depressed and in tears most days for a past year.

Our life has totally changed since I opened up this problem. And I blame myself for it. Not only the intimacy problem has been never solved but we have lost what we had before. He is not the same person he used to be. He doesn’t like to talk and he is very cold. He seems very unhappy now. He was never like this before I opened up this problem last year. He loved me and was very nice to me and doing many things to make me happy. But now he doesn’t care about anything. He is telling me that he is not in love with me anymore and he can just love me as a friend and as a mother of his child not as his wife. He wanted me to keep our marriage just for the sake of our son. But it is not easy for me since I am so hurt for what he did and said to me in a past year. He just wants to talk about what to do with our son if we are not going to be together and never say a word about fixing our marriage. Last month we decided to get separated and now he seems very Okay with it. His excuse is that he doesn’t want to hurt me anymore and see me sad and depressed all time. Now I don't know what to do. These are the valid reasons to give up on my marriage? Is there any way to fix anything now? Please advice.

[450donn]

So sorry he never loved you in the way a husband and wife should love each other. You have invested 8 years with this bozo and for that I am truly sorry for you. On top of that you believed that having children could fix everything. So as I see it your choices are, 1) insist on counseling to get to the bottom of the problem. If he refuses then your choices are leave or stay in a loveless marriage. 2) get out now and file for divorce.
Have you ever asked him if he is a homosexual?

[sgoodnews]

450donn, thank you for the reply. Yes I did ask him if he is a homosexual and he said he is not. Do you think that love had anything to do with our problem? He believes that he was in love with me even though there was no sex and intimacy. Is this possible that there is love but there is no lovemaking

[450donn]

Sure. When it is all said and done and you are 75 or 80 years old and sex is gone what you have left is love. But, based on your original post you are not at that age, so sex has to be a part of marriage. There is something wrong with him, and like I said before if he is unwilling or unable to discuss the situation with a professional with you in the room then I have a hard time understanding any reasons to stay in a loveless marriage. This from a person that is totally against divorce too LOL. Could it be a physical problem?

[DrHoneyBee]

Hi sgoodnews, I am new to the site and after reading your post, I got very interested because we have had the same issue. The only difference are, we don't have kid/s together and he admitted to me that he is a homosexual so it wasn't that hard to move on although it hurts.

I think for me, you just have to focus yourself into something's that interests you. Your son, your career maybe or meet new friends. You are not that old to just feel bad about your past relationship forever. I always believe that someone better is waiting in the right place and the right time. Give yourself some attention and learn to love yourself more. I don't believe that there's a problem with you, your husband is the problem. When he sees you happy, who knows he might want you back as a real wife, not just a room mate.

[sgoodnews]

He is saying that there is not any physical problem but I am not sure. How can I know?

[GirlWSlingshot]

Does he have any trouble with depression in general? Sometimes it's not a strictly physical problem but there is just something off with the brain chemistry which does not allow him to get or stay aroused. Does he "take care of business" by himself or is he just asexual?

[GirlWSlingshot]

Oh. And I just wanted to say something that I've had to repeat to myself quite a few times. (I was married to a man who had no interest in my physically.) This is not about you. There is nothing you can change about yourself and this does not mean that you are undesirable. This is about something in his head, not something wrong with you and your body.

[DrHoneyBee]

You will never know if he's not even willing to consult to a professional with you or he keep shutting you off. He said that nothing's wrong with you physically and it seems to me like he never bother to try to work things out or solve the problem. So if I were you, I will try to move on before you lost your self-respect. You don't deserve to waste your time hoping, go out and meet new people.

[sgoodnews]

GirlWSlingshot, he says he is not depressed but I am not sure. Before we got married he had a hard life and was in a very bad relationship which still he is sometimes complaining about it.
Yes, he takes care of business by himself. This is what he is saying.

[GirlWSlingshot]

GirlWSlingshot, he says he is not depressed but I am not sure. Before we got married he had a hard life and was in a very bad relationship which still he is sometimes complaining about it.
Yes, he takes care of business by himself. This is what he is saying.

Taking care of one's sexual needs alone is a lot simpler than navigating a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship with another person.

People who have an actual chemical imbalance that is causing depression don't always know that they are technically clinically depressed. They show it in different ways. Some people sleep a lot, others can't sleep at all. I'm not saying that he definitely has depression that is effecting his sexual drive and inclinations, but it is a possibility.

[talaniman]

Since your separated, I would focus on you, and not him. Whatever his demons, doesn't sound like he is dealing with them well at all, so make sure your doing what you have to for yourself. You may never find out what his problem is, or if he deals with it.

[spanglish30]

I wondered myself if he was a homosexual.But you posted he said he isn't.Can you two get a separation?

I'm sorry you are going through all this!! No matter what someone out there would find you "attractive inside and out.

My heart goes out to you.Good Luk!! SPANGLISH30

[sgoodnews]

Thank you all for your posts. I am still thinking what his problem can be. I need more advice please. Anybody at the same situation as mine?

[DSM521]

Wow I feel so sorry for you and your situation. I thought me and my wife had sexual issues tell I read your post. My wife lost her drive after our first daughter. We went years only having sex a few times a month. The only reason we had it that much is because I told her its been long enough and I need you. We went years with out speaking about it. I finally opened up to her and we had a good talk. From then on it has been a little better. She never comes to me and wants it but I can tell her its time and she will give in. She is very understanding of my feelings and says she wishes she could feel like me.

I can't even think of how hard your situation is for you. Made and my wife have been going through a lot of stuff. I have even posted on hear before "I think my wife had a one night stand".

I can't see that he is normal, he either does not love you, is homosexual, or is depressed. His reaction to you talking to him about your feelings is VERY alarming. If he is a caring husband he would listen and talk to you about your feelings.

I don't see a lot of hope in your situation, I am not a professional but it just does not look good.

[Mazze1]

I had the same type of situation. Every relationship is different but it turned out that my husband was a narcissistic individual. I learned a lot from therapy and will share a website that speaks a lot about this. It may not be your relationship but then again.. if like me you keep going ah haaa when you read on this site... you may gain some clarity. On the site look specifically for "witholding" and you'll find hundreds of us who had lived in sexless marriages. Let me emphasize, that it is not you but clearly he is not relating.
Welcome to Dr Irene's Verbal Abuse (Site)! (dr. irene's verbal abuse site)

[Gemini54]

Your husband is punishing you for telling him that he's inadequate. You were unhappy with your sexual relationship and (rightly) talked to him about it. He responded by being offended and withdrawing his love and affection.

Your husband is a child. He doesn't know how to give, love or communicate in a mature relationship. Whilst you put up with the lack of sex you could relate to each other on his terms. Now you've indicated that you want something different he can't cope because it's not on his terms. He has done the only thing he can to punish you - withhold himself.

There is little future in relationships like this. In his mind, the separation will always be your fault. It will be hard, but you need to move on and find someone that can give you the love, affection and sex that you desire.

Try not to waste too much time analysing him and the reasons behind his actions. Begin to create the life you want.

[nitsnitz]

A couple is so associated in mind and spirit that a physical relationship develops.
To increase intimacy in relationship couples must feel comfortable with sharing their innermost thoughts, needs, and desires and both of them are supportive of each other in every way and know that they are supported. Couples have to trust always even when there are difficulties, each knows that they acted with the best of intentions. Intimacy in marriage will continue to improve and grow and the sexual relationship will flourish. Couple counseling therapy especially focuses on these tips to increase faith, love, trust, friendship and intimacy in married and unmarried couples’s relationships.
Marriage Counselors, Christian Marriage Counseling, Family Relationships and Couple Therapy

[Jake2008]

Have you actually separated?

There can be many reasons a couple stops being intimate. It could be he is depressed as someone has said, or he may have some sort of sexual dysfunction or erectile difficulties. He may be a workaholic to compensate for his shortcomings at home.

The easiest way to not get at the problem is to blame someone else for it, i.e. you.

You say he has been to two therapists, with no results. Has he had a complete physical? His lack of drive may very well have a physical basis.

If he has been willing to go to therapy in the past, he may be open to talking to his doctor about this.

That he has changed so much since you talked to him about it, and has grown even more distant, could mean that he is not willing to find out the real reasons he has no sex drive. But, I'd say there is a big red flag there that he knows very well exists. For some reason he chooses not to deal with it.

Maybe before throwing in the towel, urge him to get some professional guidance. It could make all the difference.

[the_lonely_spouse1]

Hello,

As I was reading your story, I felt like I was reading the story of my life with small differences!
My husband has also been rejecting me sexually for a year, ever since I moved in and we got married! Every time I initiate something, he finds an excuse to get out of it!

You have been very strong to hang in there for 7 years... and I feel you... I know all about tears and loneliness every night... feeling undesirable and thinking it is my fault..

It is sad that your husband does not want to even communicate and talk in order to save the relationship! I support your decision of moving on and finding somebody who can make you happy like you deserve!!

Good luck!