[emackin]

I am 28 years old and when I met my husband 5 years ago he was perfect. 3years into the relationship I got pregnant and about 3 months later married. When I had my beautiful baby boy he was hardly around because he was in the police academy. I would only see him on weekends. So I decided to move into his family's house and I thought we would spend more time together but again he too busy to fit his son and I into his schdule. We don't talk and fight 90% of the time. It feels like he doesn't want to married and that the only reason he asked me was because he thougtht it was the right thing. I am totally mierable in this marriage.I'm alone all the time and away from my family. Even when he is here, he's not. I matter a fact he is in the same room while I'm writing this message and crying and he has not turn around to consul me. I don't know it seem as if he doesn't care about the way I'm feeling. The way he talks to me and way he rejects me, the way he puts himself and work ahead of both me and his son. It seems unreal but yet I'm still here. I tried moving in with my sister but I felt like I was intruding on her family and our kids were not getting along, so I came back. A week later and back in the same boat I was running from.. WHy I am still here? I don't have any money of my own, I'm still in school. I really don't have any where comfortable to go. In addition, I keep thinking maybe he will change and realize that his family needs him but I think now that it it too late. What do you think?

[aqua@home]

It sounds like you two are in need of some marriage counselling. If he would be willing to go then that would best. You two have to do it together, not with other family members involved. Be honest and decide if this is really what both of you want. Wishing you the best.

[Fr_Chuck]

It means my computer keyboard locked up last night, on the road again the wireless service at the motel was off/on and I could not get back to fix my answer.

I was trying to say how hard marriage is anyway, and that sadly too many American couples are just like this. And a police officer is evern worst. They see so many bad things during their day that they don't want to talk about normally. And that marriage counseling will work, I have been there, done that, and glad for it

[aqua@home]

Fr. Chuck... what does that mean? Sorry, but I don't know and am just curious. Thanks.

Sorry Fr. Chuck!

[JoeCanada76]

Okay, Have you actually communicated how you feel. Did you even attempt to share this with him. Or do you keep it to yourself. If you keep the way you feel to yourself then you are part of the problem as well. Of course, marriage counselling is defiantly a must. No, it is never to late. Marriage and the children are very important. He is the only one that is working, he is feeling like the sole supporter. Am I right? There are many fathers that take the role of supporter so seriously that they forget the importance of special time with the family. Communication is the key. If you do not have that then some mediation is needed for sure. If he refuses to go, you need to find some Godly counsel for yourself to help you through the way you feel. I do hope and pray that everything works out for you and your family. The only thing is if you think it is over and you already quit without even trying then your setting yourself up for the fall.

Joe

[talaniman]

I agree a 100% with the counseling with both of you would be better but alone if necessary. Communication is the key and it sounds as if you two don't. It also sounds as if you have moved out a number of times and still not found a comfortable place to be. May I suggest instead of running or waiting for him to change, work on yourself and the things that make you a happy person. If he is working then you should take the time to concentrate on making a comfortable and happy home, while seeking to improve yourself and please stop depending on him to make you happy. Being married to a policeman is never easy and they have the highest divorce rate of any profession as they see a lot of things we don't, and tend to be very closed mouth about their work. It takes a very special person to deal with this. A very patient person.

[Fr_Chuck]

Ok, I have been trying to post on this right since last night, I will see how old dial up still works.

As a former police officer who graduated from the Fed and 2 state law enforcement academy I can tell you first hand, it affects you. And you as the person doing it can't see it. First you are taught that everyone lies, and you learn to read body signals ( but only the negative ones) You learn that you have to make a presesnce that just by your body and how you talk you take control ( full control) of every situation.

Next you learn not to trust anyone but fellow officers and that you have to even wonder about some of them.

Depending on the size of the department and where it is, you will see hookers and drunks, and fights and killings and drug dealers, You will feel and rightly, that eveytime you put on that uniform, you may not make it home that night, You have to mistrust every perosn you meet, wondering if they have a weapon or if they will be the one to shoot you in the back after they pass you. You will see so many training films of traffic stops gone bad, you will suspect every ticket to be a armed felon just looking for a chance to do something.

Then you go out and guess what most of the public don't like you, don't want you around, If you stop and ask if someone needs help, they will think you are there to hassle them and get smart with you often.

Then the level of normal people you deal with will be the hookers and drug dealers, you never see the world the same again ( ever and I do mean ever, if he quit the job today years from now he will still be "looking" at the surroundings)

So when he comes home he does not normally want to talk about Suzie the hooker and that her top came off as she tried to get away, or that she offered to do him and two other offices if she would get off. He does not want to talk about the crack house two blocks over that was busted by his department, or about the drunk who used the bathroom in his car and had to be cleaned out before he got home. Or about the 15 year old he held in his arms that died from the car wreck.

I still have night mares from things that happened 20 years ago. I am lucky, I don't remember things real good anymore, so a lot of things are forgotten, but I have prayed many times others could be, I have as most officers have, seen things that are so sick and so bad that I often wonder how I could ever adjust back to regular society.

And yes I used to just sit and watch "cops" on TV ( until I found a lot of it was reflimed or staged) but when I started showing my wife as we were driving down the street, who was the hookers, where the crack houses were, we were walking down the street and a street person called me by name and I introduced my wife to him ( he was Atlantas best pan handler)

So yes he has a lot of issues he is trying as a new officer to deal with and most likely don't know how to process a lot ofwhat he sees hisself.

[Krs]

I agree with all of your previous posts.

You are stuck and you need a way out.
Suggest marriage counseling to your husband. I understand being in the police acedamy is hectic and busy but if he can't or won't make time for marriage counseling, then to me he is NOT worthed.

Good luck.

[s_cianci]

Unfortunately he may have felt that it was in fact a "shotgun" wedding. I have to question, however, why none of this became apparent to you during the first 3 years that you were together. In terms of knowing each other it's not like you rushed into marriage. The pregnancy may have served as a "catalyst" but you had already known each other for 3 years as it was. I wonder if maybe there were some signs and indications that you should have taken note of but didn't. I presume your husband is now a police officer. Bear in mind that that is a very stressful line of work, with rotating shifts and having to be on call virtually 24/7/365. Certainly that's no excuse for him to neglect his family but it's something that needs to be considered. At this point I think you need to really talk to him about your concerns and let him know that you're unhappy and why. Don't criticize or accuse but let him know just what your expectations are of him as a husband and a father. If all else fails, then, sadly, it may be time to call a divorce lawyer.

[vwb101]

Well, all I can say is. Talk to him about how you feel tell him what you wrote here. If you can not bring yourself to tell him and are afraid of the results then build up the courage and do it, you are a married couple, you should be able to tell him stuff, so tell him how you feel and exactly what you wrote here. You never know what will happen. I feel for you. And I think you should also talk to him about some marriage counseling . And if he denies your convos and does not go forth with the counseling, then I guess he can not change. I wonder how many years of school you have left. If you still love him, just stay with him and bear him for until your school is over, I mean it's still a place to stay. And if it is that bad think of him as just a room mate. Focus on your beautiful son, and focus on your studies, once you are done I am sure you can find a nice job and support yourself. Until then my guess is just staying with your husband, as much as he doesn't spend time with you he still supports where you live and that's all you need if you want to get done with school and live on your own. This is my best guess if he doesn't want to even have convos and attend the convos. It's just an opinion and a third view on this, I'm probably wrong though. But if I do help in anyway by saying all this I am glad I could help and I really feel for you. Thanks for listening.