[losingitinIL]

I have been dating this guy for 4 yrs... when I met him he was expecting a child with another woman... before committing into this relationship I made darn sure I was not wrecking a potential family. After researching the situation it was apparent that they were definitely NOT going to be anything other than co-parents. Five months after our relationship began a beautiful little girl was born. Now here is the story... he tried to go to the hospital and see her but "mom" wouldn't allow it. Six months go by and she still will not let him see his daughter. He finally got legal councel and at 8 months finally got to see her... there is so much more than just that. Now the little girl is going to be four and she is starting to tell me that "My mommy says your a bad person, but your not right?" This is every visit and it kills me inside to hear her say it and I can't say anything back besides "No I'm not and you no I love you" So what do I do? I can't stand the fact that this "mom" would even think of putting her child in the middle of anything.. I just don't know what to do... And dad is lost about the situation also... this "mom" is crazy... I honestly think she has severe issues... I have tried be civil with the girl but she just is not having it.. She even goes as far as to make up stories about me... It has been 4yrs why can't she move on? She is so stuck on the fact daddy and her are not a family and I seriously don't think she is going to grow up and face reality... There is so much to this... I just want to know what to do because I'm hurting and I think she is hurting the little girl by telling her I'm bad... HELP... PLEASE!!

[Fr_Chuck]

Glad he finally went to court and get visits, needed to do it early on. But he can take her back to court and get the judge to order her not to say things like that. But not sure how much good it would do.

[Jake2008]

I have known more than a few women in your position.

When you have the little girl's best interests at heart, and you sound like a very caring person, you will never go wrong. I admire you for not taking the bait and sending stories back or messages for the mother, which is an easy thing to do via a four year old. They are little sponges.

Also admirable is that you are maintaining a very positive force in this little one's life, and your concerns are for her first.

While this goes on from the mom's side, there is nothing you can do but what you have been doing. Reinforce the positive, and provide a safe nurturing environment for her while she is in your care. She will soon enough realize as she grows that mom's words and actions are a one way street. With all the negativity coming from mom, via the child, to you, and nothing returned, she will, later on, have likely developed a more trusting relationship with you, because it has been honest.

As to her stories. That only reinforces the obvious, and isn't surprising. She isn't satisfied to stir the pot using her own daughter, so she'll up the ante. It may even get worse before it gets better.

Don't feed into it in any way, shape or form. Take the high road here and you will set the tone for the years to come. As bad as it gets, keep your resolve to not stoop to the level of betraying not only the trust and confidence of the little girl, but your own principles and standards.

You can't go wrong if you just keep doing what you are doing.

[Illusion]

I agree with Jake above and Fr Chuck - some very good ideas. I also think your boyfriend needs to talk with the Mother and talk to her about what the child is saying. Just, "I need to make sure that you don't make any negative statements to our daughter about me or anyone close to me. Otherwise, I'm sorry but I will need to ask the Court to intervene." Your boyfriend needs to set the rules here because it is affecting the child - and the household. So far you have handled this really well - it is upsetting - you just need to continue to stay neutral and calm. Hope it works for you. Take care.