[learnintolikeme]

First of all I have to say thank you to the many who have helped me so far with coping with my problem. I really appreciate this.
For those who don't know my story it is that my husband had an emotional affair with his first ever girlfriend from 20+ years ago. This led to him saying that our relationship was dead and he wanted out for a while to find himself. I didn't agree with that, if he meant that it was dead then he would have to pack and get out, no turning back. The next 4 months were a mixture of better sex, politeness and hellish silences. Needless to say he stayed and still communicated daily with her behind my back. I found out and s**t hit the fan again! I also found some old letters he had been reading. I confronted him and of course I was a spy, no good snooper and all that. It didn't seem to enter his head that he was a cheater, deceiver and no good husband.
He walked out and said he was never coming back, I told him that this was his choice but in spite of everything I still loved him. He came back next morning and acted as if nothing had happened. Said he wanted to stay but wanted never to talk about this again as this was his way of coping. I agreed as I really didn't want to lose him.
This was just before xmas and he told me that he had given up the contact . The deal he wanted was that I believe that he does not contact her and I don't mention it again.
Now this is hard.
Life has become so much better, I want so much to believe him and trust him.
At night he cuddles in to me and if I try to turn he holds tight. That is very nice.
Outside of the bedroom he does not cuddle but is making an effort around the house.
What is my problem then?
He looks so sad, his eyes have lost their sparkle.
He never tells me he loves me.
He doesn't take any initiative to go anywhere let alone make any plans.
I wash, clean , cook , pamper without any help.
He comes home from work and falls asleep in front of the telly.
Now I am sad, I feel that I am not able to fulfill the area that she filled to make him happy.
I have promised never to talk about it so I cannot approach this with him.
I ask him what will make him happy, he just answers that he is!
There has been no arguments in the house for 1 month now and that is good, but where has life gone??
Is this a phase that will blow over or is there anything I can do to get the happiness I so desparately miss.
Any advice would be appreciated both good or otherwise opinions are welcome.
Basically I am really wondering if I should stay or give him his freedom, this is hard for me but I am really wondering if his actions are speaking louder than words. Is he blaming me for keeping them apart? I don't want to end up being the one blamed for ruining his life.
Or is this over sensitivity on my part because of mistrust, if so what can I do?

[450donn]

Insist, no DEMAND that you both go into counseling. If he refuses, then suggest that he can sleep on the sofa until he determines if he really wants to keep this marriage together or not. I am not for divorce at all, but in cases of abuse I strongly suggest it. This is a form of abuse so why not make him suffer too. Sex should be the last thing on his or your minds at this time in your lives. But it seems from your post that it is all he is thinking about.

[dderhardt]

Though it seems like the end of the world when you leave someone you love, life does go on & usually gets better. If he has lost "that loving feeling" & the sparkle in his eyes, the other woman probably rejected him & he is staying with you because you probably take very good care of him. We are mother's to our children, not our husbands. Life is too short to live in an unhappy relationship. Trust me, when you find the right person, you will know it. Try being best friends with someone before you have a relationship. When you have to walk on eggshells & always have it in your mind that just maybe.. you're not being paranoid, you're being posessive & a glutten for punishment. It will only get worse. Good luck

[plonak]

Though it seems like the end of the world when you leave someone you love, life does go on & usually gets better. If he has lost "that loving feeling" & the sparkle in his eyes, the other woman probably rejected him & he is staying with you because you probably take very good care of him. We are mother's to our children, not our husbands. Life is too short to live in an unhappy relationship. Trust me, when you find the right person, you will know it. Try being best friends with someone before you have a relationship. When you have to walk on eggshells & always have it in your mind that just maybe...., you're not being paranoid, you're being posessive & a glutten for punishment. It will only get worse. Good luck

I'm sorry but I don't agree with this advice. I think that marriage is sacred "till death do you part" and should be worked at when there is trouble.

I think the OP should try to go to counseling with her husband to try to work it out.. Sometimes things take effort and that's what you get yourself into when you marry someone.. you can't just jump ship when things go bad.. you have to work through them.. well that's my opinion anyway.