[trouble588]

I don't know what to do. My husband cheated on me for months (maybe a year) and ended up with the other woman being pregnant and having his child. He swears that he has ended things. I believed him, just like I believed him when he said he ended things before and she got pregnant.
The baby is 8 1/2 months old. We have been married for 3 weeks and I can't stand the fact that she calls him. I know that there has to be some contact because of the child, but I feel like there is a lot more contact than I am aware of. I hate when he has to meet her to pick up the baby every weekend. I hate when he has to go to the baby's doctors appt with her. It is like a knife in my back!
This morning she called and I answered the phone. She wouldn't tell me what she wanted only that she wanted to talk to him. It caused a huge fight between me and my husband. I want to trust him, I love him with all my heart. But now I am having second thoughts about even having married him.
We have been together for 7 years, and the only thing I ever wanted was to spend my life with him. I broke up with him 2 weeks before we got married because I didn't think I could deal with her being in our lives forever. He promised me that he would make me feel better about it, but he hasn't.
In the 3 weeks we have been married we have only had sex 4 times. I am just not interested. This makes him mad, but I don't want to have sex with him because I think about them, and what they did. This has only gotten worse since we got married. I think maybe I made a huge mistake marrying him.
I love him, I want our marriage to work, but I don't know if I can move beyond his betrayal. Please help me make a decision. He won't go to counseling. He thinks I need to "just get over it".

[Jake2008]

There is so much to consider here, and I think you are perfectly entitled to feel as you do. It is not easy to understand or accept that when you married him, you also 'married' his baby, and the baby's mother. At least for the next 18 years.

Daunting thoughts. The future is now the four of you, not just the two of you. You are starting with a lot on your plate.

When you married him, you got a package deal. Time, money, resources, emotional investment now have to include an additional two people.

It will have to be resolved one way or the other. The baby isn't going to go away, nor is the mother. You will have to be willing to take on the additional responsibility of raising this child with your husband, and all that goes along with that. There is no way around it.

That being said, and if you choose to stay and accept the responsibility, all of the adults are going to have to reach common ground. It is far better for the child to have consistency and nurturing environments, than face knowing he is not accepted in your home, or life. Counselling is the only way to work through all of the issues of betrayal, and establish trust with your husband again in order to do what's right for his child.

It is a huge investment for you if you choose to take this on. But to have a good, honest relationship with your husband again, you will have to have a relationship with his ex girlfriend, and a relationship with the child.

To keep going as you have been leaves you and your husband between a rock and a hard place. You cannot have just him anymore, he has morphed into three.

Surely he sees that he is going to have to address the needs of all concerned, particularly you. He cannot expect that everything is okay just because he wants to. He is going to have to make a commitment equal to, or greater than, the vows he took to you, and accept that your feelings and concerns are worth the effort to understand.

[450donn]

There are some serious issues in your post. Please do yourself a big favor and get some professional help. This will fester into a disaster if you don't take care of it and fast. It may already be too late to save this marriage, but please don't wait until you get pregnant too and then have to deal with children and your deep seated hatred for this guy.

[trouble588]

Yesterday, after the huge blowup, he asked me what he could do to make me feel better. I told him he could go with me to get counseling, he could let me go with him to pick up the baby. Now he says I just want to start drama with the baby's mom. That's not the issue. I want to have peace of mind that there is nothing going on. As far as counseling he has flat out refused. He says he won't go because he is not going to have someone tell him that this is all his fault and what a bad person he is.
Am I being unreasonable in these requests? I asked him if he is willing to do "whatever it takes" to make our marriage work, and his response was "Not whatever it takes", but I am willing to do some things. WHAT??

[450donn]

Hunny, I guess you have your answer. He flat out is refusing to do what ever it takes. So now, you have to make a hard decision.
Personally, I think you need to make arrangements to get out of the house. When he comes home, in as calm a voice as you can announce that you are leaving and moving to*****. And that when he figures out if he is willing to do whatever it takes to save the marriage or not to let you know. But that the offer is only good for? Days. After that find a good lawyer and file for divorce. Either that or shut up and put up with this garbage for the rest of your life. Your choice.

I am totally against divorce, but it's not like you have a lot of time invested in this jerk so please make the wise decisions now, before it gets sticky with children of your own.

[Jake2008]

I wouldn't push it at this point. If he's digging in his heels and refusing to even consider counselling to address the obvious, serious issues, let it go for now.

What I WOULD do, is go myself.

I agree with Don that you need professional help, but I respectuflly disagree with giving up on the marriage with an ultimatum. If you force him, he will probably go to counselling, but it will be a waste of time.

If you decide to go yourself, you will be able to find better ways of coping and understanding the dynamics of your relationship with your husband. If its 'my way or the highway', you may get him to go, but it won't solve any problems.

If he is confrontational and unwilling to go, he may, on the other hand, be willing to hear what the counsellor had to say, and you two might get a decent, non argumentative conversation going. When he realizes that he won't be seen as the 'bad guy' as you said, he may be more inclined to try.

You cannot control him, or his actions, but you can do something positive to improve your marriage. I hope you don't give up without a fight.

[450donn]

I wouldn't push it at this point. If he's digging in his heels and refusing to even consider counselling to address the obvious, serious issues, let it go for now.

What I WOULD do, is go myself.

I agree with Don that you need professional help, but I respectuflly disagree with giving up on the marriage with an ultimatum. If you force him, he will probably go to counselling, but it will be a waste of time.

If you decide to go yourself, you will be able to find better ways of coping and understanding the dynamics of your relationship with your husband. If its 'my way or the highway', you may get him to go, but it won't solve any problems.

If he is confrontational and unwilling to go, he may, on the other hand, be willing to hear what the counsellor had to say, and you two might get a decent, non argumentative conversation going. When he realizes that he won't be seen as the 'bad guy' as you said, he may be more inclined to try.

You cannot control him, or his actions, but you can do something positive to improve your marriage. I hope you don't give up without a fight.

Problem as I see it though is that he has dug in and being stubborn. Do you want to live with that situation for the rest of your life? She only has three weeks invested in this bozo and the marriage. Now is the time to decide if you want this sort of fight for the rest of your life or not, Not in 10 years when you have a bunch of small kids too.

[Jake2008]

One of the reasons I wouldn't give up without a fight is that Trouble said they had been together for 7 years.

That is a huge personal investment in a relationship. Only three weeks of it has been an 'official' marriage.

Only my opinion here based on what we've got, but I can't honestly say that she should just up and dump him.

That's her call to make after she's done all she can to come to the right decision.

The more opinions the better.

[trouble588]

I have decided to get counseling myself. I am not willing to give up yet, except for this one issue we do have a pretty good relationship. I love him and I love his son. Maybe if he sees me go, it will help him want to go to (maybe not), but I have invested a lot in this.
I am obessed with this, and maybe I need to figure that part out without him being involved in it. During the week it consumes my every thought. I seem to do much better when we have the baby here with us on the weekends, and I think that in part has to do with that fact that the baby is here and he is here and I know exactly what he is doing. I think it bother me that the baby's mom only calls during the week and doesn't call on the weekends when we have the baby, not even to check on him. I find that weird, but he says he can't control when she calls.
I don't want to live with this situation, as it stands now, for the rest of my life. And if I can't deal with it, after having some professional help, then I guess I will have to let it go.
I am not going to wait 10 years, but I am going to give it some time.
I don't have any friends to talk to, and well, you can only imagine what my family thinks, so this is my only way of talking things out right now, and I appreciate your responses to my questions.
He doesn't know I am even talking about this on here because he would be livid. I feel like he just wants to forget what happened. I can't do that. I have forgiven him, because I had to, but I can't just forget.

[Fr_Chuck]

My ex and I have a child, I go over one night a week pick him up and we go to a ice cream, a meal or something, and I get him every other weekend. There is no reason you can not sit in the car while he goes in and gets the baby, you don't have to go in that is often where the drama starts.

I talk to my ex and check on my son at least once a day, and my son ( a little older than a baby) calls me every evening.

You will have to deal with this other women and baby for years and years, at school events she and you will be there. When the baby is sick, my son had to go to the ER, and my ex called and I got up and left and went to the ER, since that is where I should be.

It is hard to find a man willing to be the father and he needs to be supported also in that choice

[Jake2008]

You are living proof Chuck that any kind of relationship worth saving, can be worked out.

Trouble, I am really proud of you for taking the step to get counselling for yourself. Having somebody listen to you is the key. You can say what you like, and express your anger, fear, confusion etc. and with an impartial ear of a counsellor, get some advice in how to effectively deal with it all. This is not something that you can get anywhere else, and you will gain insight, and some peace of mind.

I hope you will come back and let us know how you are doing. :)

[NowWhat]

In order for this to work, BOTH of you have to want to do whatever it takes to make that happen.

He has already told you that he is not willing to do what it takes. He is willing to do whatever he comfortable with. Big difference. Huge difference.

You have been married for ONLY 3 weeks. Honestly, you should have never walked down the isle until you knew you could handle this. Not just hope that it all fell into place.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but honey, wake up.

Your marriage started on lies. He cheated, said he was done, then here comes baby. He said this, that and all come back to lies.

You need to know that you come before the baby mama stuff, and he isn't showing you that.

Can you live your life in the shadow? I don't think so.

3 weeks - and all this - can you live like this for the rest of your life?