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    herky35's Avatar
    herky35 Posts: 9, Reputation: 3
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    #1

    Jan 19, 2009, 05:22 PM
    What to do
    My wife of 6 years suffers from depression and anxiety and she's on medication, couple days ago she felt like she had a anxiety attack and she went to dr and they gave her some more meds and up her doeses on her other meds. I don't know what to do about all of this she has issues with her mother, work and worse our youngest daughter has infant scoliosis she was born with and has been having lots of surgery done plus now she needs a halo traction. Even though these are what she stresses out on I think its affecting our marriage as a couple... our sex life sucks and I don't feel the affection do to the stress I have told her about it and she gives me the attitude of "if you dont like it to bad" I feel horrible. I'm trying to be understanding and support her but its taking a toll on me. Need some advice please
    Nestorian's Avatar
    Nestorian Posts: 978, Reputation: 152
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    #2

    Jan 19, 2009, 05:34 PM

    You know, I used to be like your wife, and I'm not saying it is or isn't anything, but just because they "say" depression / anxiety doesn't mean it is.

    I realise she could be stressed for any number of reasons, simply because of depression, or situational variables. However, I was once "told" by doctors that I had depression/ anxiety disorder. What they didn't know was that the anxiety was caused by stages of mania.

    Does your wife ever seem, Happy for a time, or talkative, or energenic, feels as if she can do anything, Or "IRRITABLE" to the extream. This is all apart of what "could be" mania. Look into getting your wife looked at for Bipolar. Consist of Mania (can feel like panic attacks if you don't keep yourself in check. Like I had neglected to do.) but is also has depression.

    With bipolar you go from manic to depressive and it messes you up. There are constant states of confusion. Very hard to handle. It is a MOOD disorder, and sounds close to what your wife is experiencing. At least form what I can tell. I'm no doctore so take her in and just ask about it, and look in to it. It's a possibility. Beware do not mention the anxiety, depression, just ask them if she maybe bipolar.

    You have a lot to deal with and I'm not sure what I can tell you. But if you have any really important questions, this is a good start. We always agree that it's best to go to a pro, to be sure, but some time we can help.

    Peace be with you.

    P.S. She may want to talk to a counseler.
    Nestorian's Avatar
    Nestorian Posts: 978, Reputation: 152
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    #3

    Jan 19, 2009, 05:39 PM
    I read more into your wife's situation, and they uped her dose, but if it's an anti depressant and she has Bipolar, she will feel high, like things are just speeding, like her heart, blood, thoughts (usually.) That is because she is getting too much of something like seritonin, and so after she is out of a depressive state she is pushed from normal to manic. Manic people can be very mean, and snap very easily. Does this sound like her?

    Does she write? Diary, or any thing like that?
    herky35's Avatar
    herky35 Posts: 9, Reputation: 3
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    #4

    Jan 19, 2009, 05:57 PM

    The new med I not sure of name of it is suppose to come her down when she takes it and that's only when she feels like she's having a attack but it actaully knocks her out... she the type that can be happy one sec then turn completelly around and be mean and grumpy. Manic kind of sounds like it but not totally sure she used to write a diary but don't think she does anymore. Last couple days she's been good I don't know maybe its just me she seems fine now but I think the way she's being is affecting our marriage more then she thinks and that really bothers me.. I think I need to convince her to go to the dr again and I go with her and tell them what I think maybe dr needs to know what other people see
    Nestorian's Avatar
    Nestorian Posts: 978, Reputation: 152
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    #5

    Jan 19, 2009, 06:06 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by herky35 View Post
    the new med i not sure of name of it is suppose to come her down when she takes it and thats only when she feels like shes having a attack but it actaully knocks her out...she the type that can be happy one sec then turn completelly around and be mean and grumpy. manic kind of sounds like it but not totally sure she used to write a diary but dont think she does anymore. last couple days shes been good i dont know maybe its just me she seems fine now but i think the way shes being is affecting our marriage more then she thinks and that really bothers me.. i think i need to convince her to go to the dr again and i go with her and tell them what i think maybe dr needs to know what other people see
    I see, bipolar does have different effects. Some are effected more extreamly while others are less affected. I believe the more extream is bipolar 2 and the less but longer is bipolar 1, what I got. Remember though, it is all about mood swings, from big to small. Mean to nice, chatty to quiet, angry to sad. And so on.

    Yes, our own advice is usually the one to take. You sound like you know what you want to do, I deffinately agree.

    Good luck to you.
    ShadyLady's Avatar
    ShadyLady Posts: 98, Reputation: 10
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    #6

    Jan 25, 2009, 01:26 AM

    You wife has some HUGE stressors in her life! Just the fact that you have a severely disabled child is enough to cause anxiety. Her mother could be a big source too--in fact it may even be the main source, going back to her childhood. Add that to the strees of work and then you complain about not enough sex. Shame on you.
    It is unprofessional to diagnose someone with the little amount of info you are giving so be careful. I wouldn't doubt she has a lot of anxiety with her situation.
    Some counselling might be in order to oncover the SOURCE of her anxiety. This is a very treatable disorder, but not by merely pushing pills at her.
    artlady's Avatar
    artlady Posts: 4,208, Reputation: 1477
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    #7

    Jan 25, 2009, 01:36 AM

    I am sorry for your pain. I know how difficult it is to try to cope with the pain of your child's suffering.

    If my child was ill ,sex would be the last thing on my mind.I know men can use sex as an escape but generally speaking women don't.

    She has no room for you right now ,she is obsessed with her child.

    Support her and think of her needs above all else.Where are you in the picture with your daughter?

    Are you there in the hospital ,holding her hand during procedures and living through her pain?

    Unless you are there 100 percent you can't know what its like.

    Hang in there.She may come back to you when there is not chaos in her life,provided you supported her when she needed you most.
    Choux's Avatar
    Choux Posts: 3,047, Reputation: 376
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    #8

    Jan 25, 2009, 02:50 PM

    It sounds to me like your wife has a lot of anger toward you, and you will have to get to the bottom of it in order to repair your relationship and sexual relationship.

    She may feel like you have abandoned her in the face of your family problems... that you are emotionally and physically uninvolved.. that you are just another burden to her.

    If you want to improve the situation, you will have to dig deep into yourself. Figure out what you are contributing to the negativity of the situation. Then, apologize to your wife and plan for making a better future. You do work, don't you? Hire a mother's helper for doing housework after dinner and so on.

    Best wishes to you and your family, :)
    Illusion's Avatar
    Illusion Posts: 195, Reputation: 33
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    #9

    Jan 25, 2009, 06:43 PM

    Well, you have a lot going on right now. The most important thing is to keep the communication between you and your wife going - she is struggling emotionally and you will need to stay positive as much as you can to help her. You may need to take the lead here as far as staying optimistic since your wife just feels overwhelmed by it all. Yes, it is difficult, and yes, it takes work but you can do it. Your reflections back to your wife should be focused on a positive outcome - "Honey, we are going to get thru this" - "it feels like alot, but we are making it and our baby is going to be all right" - and with medical care being what it is now - I would say you are going to be all right. If both of you didn't have the courage and strength you wouldn't have come this far. Having a child with an illness is time consuming and it can be scary - but know you are getting the best possible medical care for your baby. Stay involved with your Doctors, ask questions, know as much about your child's illness so that it is not this big, giant monster looming over you - no, this illness just means your child needs extra care and attention. And you guys are doing it - you are getting the care you need for your child, your involved. Love your child and support each other. Remember that you want the best for your family and that means knowing that things are going to work out - if something comes up, you and your wife will take care of it.

    Sometimes you know we just need to believe in something higher than us just being human. We need to know that God has led us this far and will continue to care for us as we move forward - that all we need will be provided. You are on the right track by asking questions and trying to make it better.
    herky35's Avatar
    herky35 Posts: 9, Reputation: 3
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    #10

    Jan 26, 2009, 05:07 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by ShadyLady View Post
    You wife has some HUGE stressors in her life! Just the fact that you have a severly disabled child is enough to cause anxiety. Her mother could be a big source too--in fact it may even be the main source, going back to her childhood. Add that to the strees of work and then you complain about not enough sex. Shame on you.
    It is unprofessional to diagnose someone with the little amount of info you are giving so be careful. I wouldn't doubt she has a lot of anxiety with her situation.
    Some counselling might be in order to oncover the SOURCE of her anxiety. This is a very treatable disorder, but not by merely pushing pills at her.
    Lady without trying to sound rude to you but I'm taking it that either your not married or you been in a bad relationship. I know what's she's going through and I understand I know the stress she's going through with OUR child cause it worries me too her stress with her mother I know because its about my kids that I have custody from a previous marriage. My wife I have now has a mother that doesn't want my kids around. What you said about me being shamed of myself think about this lets pretend I'm a judge and your on the stand, "i sentence you to death for a crime that your husband or boyfriend commited" does that make sense to you?
    herky35's Avatar
    herky35 Posts: 9, Reputation: 3
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    #11

    Jan 26, 2009, 05:12 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by artlady View Post
    I am sorry for your pain. I know how difficult it is to try to cope with the pain of your child's suffering.

    If my child was ill ,sex would be the last thing on my mind.I know men can use sex as an escape but generally speaking women don't.

    She has no room for you right now ,she is obsessed with her child.

    Support her and think of her needs above all else.Where are you in the picture with your daughter?

    Are you there in the hospital ,holding her hand during procedures and living through her pain?

    Unless you are there 100 percent you can't know what its like.

    Hang in there.She may come back to you when there is not chaos in her life,provided you supported her when she needed you most.
    Yes I'm with our child 100% of the time when she's in the hospital, man two of these answers I've gotten must come from a single mother's or people who have bad experience, but to say she doesn't have no room for me just because of our daughter is a terrible thing to say cause if id say that I didn't have room for her either we both would be up the creek without a paddle during situations
    herky35's Avatar
    herky35 Posts: 9, Reputation: 3
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    #12

    Jan 26, 2009, 05:23 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Choux View Post
    It sounds to me like your wife has a lot of anger toward you, and you will have to get to the bottom of it in order to repair your relationship and sexual relationship.

    She may feel like you have abandoned her in the face of your family problems....that you are emotionally and physically uninvolved..that you are just another burden to her.

    If you want to improve the situation, you will have to dig deep into yourself. Figure out what you are contributing to the negativity of the situation. Then, apologize to your wife and plan for making a better future. You do work, don't you? Hire a mother's helper for doing housework after dinner and so on.

    Best wishes to you and your family, :)
    OK maybe after hereing all the comments I got here maybe I didn't explain my situation enough or some of you didn't read my question with a crap, only one of you made sense the rest of you make me feel I'm worthless thanks that helps, accusing me of being the problem where the problem is in the issues that I mentioned, explain to me how I'm even the problem when the problem is a child going through what she's going through, problem is her mother and the other problem is her job, I don't recall mentioning that me and the wife had any problems other then the sexual part, and I do deal with that. I'm curious to know how many of you people who have answered this have been on the side of being stressed on these type of issues as well as being on the other side of understanding how your partner is being stressed out.. I can raise my hand can you?
    Choux's Avatar
    Choux Posts: 3,047, Reputation: 376
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    #13

    Jan 26, 2009, 05:45 PM

    h, She is angry with you... you say "she gives me the attitude of "if you don't like it to(sic) bad".

    This is what you have to overcome, her anger, if you want to have a good marriage and a good sex life. :) That will require some thinking on your part and a lot of giving because of her breaking down under the stress of her life.

    Very best wishes to you and your family, :)
    jenn4094u's Avatar
    jenn4094u Posts: 128, Reputation: 6
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    #14

    Jan 27, 2009, 10:33 PM

    I'm sure she is feeling the stress, too! You two have a lot going on and I know it's hard to have a ill child plus deal with all of life's other drama! My first suggestion is to have your wife see a psychiatrist. They are much more equipped to determine if She is suffering from depression or if it could be something else. My boyfriend was being treated for depression by his family doctor for 4 years but still wasn't right. He saw a psych. And they determined he's severely bipolar. They changed his meds and he feels so much better! Almost like a new person. He says it's so nice not to be worried all the time. Secondly, sometimes when life gets crazy outside of the bedroom, we wemon tend to take those feelings into the bedroom. Get a sitter and take a night off. Take her someplace that is special to you both and try to reconnect. Send her flowers at work the day before with a card asking her to dinner and arrange for a sitter yourself. At dinner, try to focus on positive things, no work , kids or stressful subjects! Talk about wonderful times you've had together and remind her of why she loves you! Then, take her home, draw her a hot bath with bubbles , turn off the lights, light some candles and put on her favorite music. Wash her back, rub her feet, relax her! After the bath, have her lay on the bed and give her a nice massage while you put lotion on her, vanilla scented is my favorite! Then turn on the charm and see what happens. I know you can't possible do this every day, but sometimes a little romance goes a long way! Good luck! Let me know how it goes... I'll check back on here to see how you are doing!
    loopy123's Avatar
    loopy123 Posts: 63, Reputation: 2
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    #15

    Jan 27, 2009, 10:46 PM
    What to do?? Stop feeling sorry for yourself and spend more time concerning yourself about your wife.

    Build a bridge and get over it
    ShadyLady's Avatar
    ShadyLady Posts: 98, Reputation: 10
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    #16

    Jan 28, 2009, 01:43 PM
    I very much understand your stress also. When you wrote you said you were very upset about your sex life, & I was trying to tell you that if you pressure her your relationship will get worse with everything else going on right now. I was waiting for more info on if she has been diagnosed & what medications she takes.
    Right now you both need each other more than ever, and it's not just for sex.
    If your wife's mother doesn't want your children around go talke to her. Try to resolve this conflict like an adult. Let your mother-in-law know that your children are part of the family & that it hurts you the way she treats them. Ask her why.
    Some of these problems are going to work themselves out, like your daughter is going to get better. That will relieve a lot of stress. You can reassure your wife with this knowledge.
    Now with you and your wife. Don't you think you both need a break? Go take some time for yourselves and find a restaurant with a booth where you can sit side by side and relax.
    At home start giving lots of gentle attention. When you see her get upset, pull her into your arms. Maybe she just needs a good cry.
    As far as sex: maybe she is tired? Do you or the children help out with the household chores? With all the stress and anxiety it wears the body down and can actually contribute to other illnesses. Help her! Did you know that women are turned on when men do the cooking? Sit her down and "make" her watch. Find other ways to have brief physical contact with her. Two days of sensual touching just might get you somewhere.
    I expected you to be angry with me and actually wanted it. You need to let things out yourself.

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