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mum2five · Jan 19, 2009, 06:53 AM

I seem to be being thrown advice in every direction. This started on another thread about my son becoming to be a right handfull especially at school.
At home we all seem to live a pretty much normal existence as you would expect from a housefull of 4 children aged 10 - 6 - 5 and 8 months. We have the usual temper tantrums and sibling arguments but just normal day things.

The problem I have is that whenever the three eldest children visit their father at weekends ( if he can be bothered to come for them) they come home different kids.
They always take 2-3 days to get back into a routine - dad has no bedtime routine or any organised routine.

The problem I have -
I can not speak to my ex husband about this - we had a domestic violence marriage for 10 years which although was kept away from the kids as much as I could yes of course they knew something was wrong.I had to take out an injunction for a year against him after I finally left him 2 years ago.
I try to have as little contact with him as I can - although he loves nothing more than to quiz the kids on how mine and my new partners relationship is !

The kids for 12 months had supervised contact with their dad but after 12 months this was dropped as he showed no sign of threat to the children ( which I did not worry about as it was me never the kids he directed his anger towards)
I strongly believe the kids should see their dad on a regular basis but others think this is more damaging -
After never knowing if he is coming to get them - after he spends all time he has with them screaming he can't cope and they are never go back etc etc
The trouble is the kids always want to go - any advice ?

mum2five · Jan 19, 2009, 07:01 AM

Can I add that my 5 year old son since starting in his new class after the school holidays of summer he has lost all interest in school work and just wants to play with this friend he has - whom I do not think is a suitable friend!
My son has become aggressive in the classroom towards another friend - actually strangling him in a play fight to the extent he left bruising!
He has also a nasty habit of banging his head against a wall if he does not get his own way. He can also at times be very aggressive towards his two bigger sisters.
The school has asked me to go in this Thurs to discuss his change in attitude. They know about my past marriage and think it is to do with that.
It makes me feel a failure as a mother as if it was my fault and yes in a way it was I stayed!
But I have done everything in my power to bring my kids up correctly and they know right from wrong which is why this is very frustrating.

N0help4u · Jan 19, 2009, 07:08 AM

Really it isn't up to what you, I or anybody thinks if there is a court order and the kids want to see him. If you deny them seeing him then you come across as the bad guy and they learn to resent you.
The key word here ''I strongly believe the kids should see their dad on a regular basis but others think this is more damaging'' - is regular basis,
My x would only bother with my kids a few times a year and at HIS convenience. I think that is 'damaging' to the kids,

Yes at the other parents houses things are different and most moms do say it does take them forever to get them back into the routine and discipline but you have to work at it. Like explain to them that that may be the way dads house is run but you follow my rules in my house,

mum2five · Jan 19, 2009, 08:07 AM

Just to say there is no court order, the court granted 100% custody with no acess rights to me alone.Due to the serious nature of violence.

liz28 · Jan 19, 2009, 11:38 AM

I don't think you and your kids father is on the same page when it comes to parenting. I think a child can benefit more from having both parents in their life regardless if the parents is together. But when the parents aren't together it starts with the parents and they have to get along in order to work together as a team and stick to a plan and rules. However, I think the dad is using his time to pump the kids for information about you and don't have rules to either try to be the cool parent, he doesn't care, or he don't have any parenting skills.

Since talking won't get through to him I wouldn't let them go there until he agrees to go to parenting classes.

nike 1 · Jan 19, 2009, 11:57 AM

If the time that your ex is spending with your children is damaging or destructive to their development, by all means don't let him have the kids at all! You have full custody meaning you are fully responsible for their well being. You need to out weigh the pro's and con's keeping in mind what's best for your children. I wish you the best in dealing with this and realize it's not an easy task for having to deal with this alone.

liz28 · Jan 19, 2009, 12:04 PM

I wanted to add, get help for your 5year son. Put him into counselling asap because his behavior gets too out of control.

mum2five · Jan 19, 2009, 01:55 PM

All three children have had counselling but they say as they show no signs of being traumatitised there is nothing more they can do - very frustrating for me.
I know as the kids gets older and wiser they will see their father fow what he is but as far as they see he is perfect.
I am with a new partner who the kids idolise and he in return has much time for them spending one on one when I am busy etc so they all get undivided attention.
I just seem to be pulled in between me not wanting them to go and them crying to go.
Yes we both have very dif approaches to parenting but he was never around even when we were together

Fr_Chuck · Jan 19, 2009, 07:50 PM

Confused, you say there is no order, but then you said he did supervised for 12 months and they allowed unsupervised,

If there is no visitation order, then you can demand anyhting you want.

But to be honest sounds like the complaints of 70 percent of women when kids go visit dads and so on.

mum2five · Jan 20, 2009, 01:22 PM

My ex husband has his rights as a father squashed in court and the judge ordered if he wished to see his kids then he would have to apply to the court at a later date.
As for the supervised access this was not done through the courts I brought it upon myself to organise this through social services.

nike 1 · Jan 20, 2009, 01:43 PM

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

confused, you say there is no order, but then you said he did supervised for 12 months and they allowed unsupervised,

If there is no visitation order, then you can demand anyhting you want.

But to be honest sounds like the complaints of 70 percent of women when kids go visit dads and so on.

Sorry, but I don't see any of this being helpful at all.

She's trying to establish what is best for her children. She has an absolute right and responsibility for their well being.