[Not_alone]

This October, I will be turning 19 years old. During my whole life, I've never felt like I've ever had a father figure... ever.

When I was 9, my parents divorced, and a year before that, separated. Custody was given to my mother and I lived with her throughout the years.

Basic rundown, my father is much older than most. My parents are 25 years apart, at the ages 50 and 75! So, needless to say, my dad is very old fashioned. He raised 3 sons before me, with another woman, and they too are all getting to be in their upper 40's.

On top of him being... well... old, he has always been very abusive to me. He's never hit me, but he's also never said one kind word to me. All my life he's only badmouthed my mother, telling me things like "she's nothing but a whore, and you're turning out to be exactly like her" - "your mother is nothing but a fat slob and a liar who deserves to be taken out and shot in the head, and you should go out with her!"

Along with that, he has always called me bad names as well, and constantly puts me down. He says I will never amount to anything, and that I should be thrown into jail because I'm a young adult who hangs out with my friends, no less.

There's so much he's said to me, that it would take 3 pages just to type it all down. I've tried talking to him about how he makes me feel, but it's like he doesn't care. He always tells me that my opinions don't matter, and that I'm always wrong. He also constantly reminds me that he has "disowned" me, and that the rest of the family, on his side, despise me.

It's very hurtful to hear these things, and feel as if he doesn't love me. I don't have ONE memory of ever doing anything with him as a family, or even a kind word when I've done something "right".

He also cashed in my trust fund that was meant to go towards my college educations, so now I have to save up all by myself. I graduated high school at the age of 16, and have been working ever since to get a car, and gather money for school. I'm by NO means stupid, but he always tries to make me feel that way.

I feel as though he hates me, and for the longest time, I've felt that too. Hate is such a strong word, but how can I feel anything else for someone who has never showed any amount of love or affection? How can I not help but feel hatred for someone who considers me a disappointed, has never been there for me, his own flesh and blood, his daughter, and tells me that he wishes I was never born?

I've debated trying to go see a psychologist, but I can't afford that. I have no one to help me out, but it's a real wear and tear on my emotions and mental being.

His health is not in the best of conditions, and it won't be long before he passes away. I do not want him to leave this earth thinking that he hates me, because all I've ever wanted was a father who would love me, and there could never be anyone to replace him.

There has not been a birthday, father's day, or Christmas that I've forgotten, to at least call him up and wish him a happy day, or to send a card and present.

It really makes me feel like I've failed as a daughter, because of what he says, even though I KNOW I'm not a bad kid, and never have been.

I don't know what to do. I feel ashamed to talk to anyone about it in person, because I don't like to cry and I know I would. It's so hard to explain things to other people and have them understand the hurt you feel.

If anyone has any suggestions, I would be extremely grateful to hear them. I don't want to hurt anymore because I feel as though my own father never loved me...

[artistall]

I can feel your pain and understand the conflict you experience within yourself.  However it is very important that you understand the complexity of this situation.  You are the product of a second marriage and one that he despises greatly at this point.  He directs his angers at you because you are an easy target and perhaps he cannot vent his anger to whom it is intended; primarily your mother.  Another aspect of this is that he has some very deep emotional issues that need to be addressed and therefore he may never realize the psychological damage that he has inflicted upon you!  You are truly an outsider in a highly disfunctional family. It is imperative that you address this issue yourself so that you can see yourself as being an innocent victim of their animosities and due to the inadequacies of others your life has become a tragedy!  You have a long road ahead of you as far as overcoming the damage to yourself esteem and own personal image.  I would urge you to seek some form of group therapy through a mental health agency that you may be able to attend for little or no cost.  You will find many others who have similar stories to share.  The healing process will take years but you should start now.  I admire your courage and stamina in a situation  that seems so hopeless.  You have a good spirit which enables you to turn the other cheek in a desperate attempt at reconciliation.  However you must retreat at this point by not seeing or speaking to those individuals that cause you direct or indirect emotional suffering.  I want you to know that I am here for you as long as you need help.  If you find that I have been helpful please feel free to email me.  I will do whatever I can to help you cope with this situation.  Seek help as I have advised and in the meantime let me know how you are.

[fantainfinite]

Sorry mate but I don't feel sorry for you. Your father is abusive but I would swap him with mine any day of the week. If you are mature and strong you can see the outrageousness of his behaviour and fight him back or cut him off for the rest of your life. Its hard but life is ing hard. My father sounds similar to yours in that he is old, my parents divorced when I was about 2. But he is elitist and never directly says anything. He is incredibly manipulative though. Narcissist in its most insidious form. Its like he tortures my mind and his words are like poison. I feel like I am going insane every time he talks to me. He changes erratically in personality to keep me off balance so I'm easier to manipulate. I can't ever get his insane voice and twisted words out of my head even now I've moved to another part of the country. He constantly criticises me and contradicts himself and changes tact to get one over on me. I can never relax or form identity because its like he feeds off me. He is truly insane. He sits in his flat thinking he deserves respect for having achieved nothing. He thinks up stupid ill thought out theories about life and is completely ignorant. He has ruined my life. I don't have an identity because of him. I hate him.

[Onlychild]

I could relate to their message and situation.

[troubleshootersandy]

I too had a father similar to both of yours. #1. You have to realize that your father's did not then, and do not now, love you! They can't help it, they are sick or twisted or who knows what. The reason does not matter!! # 2. You have to start getting over it. Your father should be dead to you. Cry about losing the father figure you had in your head and start to mend #3. Be a better person. Don't act like the lousy father you had.

It is very hard to do, but the only way to go. And it takes a long time. Start now. These father's are lousy and there is not a thing you can do to change them. Accept that! It's your life, take control! If your family won't allow you to "divorce that father" You really need to divorce them too. They don't have your best interest at heart.

Been there, done that.

[shatteredsoul]

I guess the thing that keeps coming to my mind after reading all of this is how important it is for you to forgive him. I know that sounds crazy in a way, especially for all that he has done to you and to your mom. It is obvious that he is a miserable person who doesn't have any sense of how to treat people. You are still a precious girl, and I think its so sad that you have suffered so much from his verbal attacks. Although it has always been aimed at you, none if it is about you, and all about him and his feelings of inferiority. I don't know if he just hates his life or what he has or hasn't done with it, but he is pathetic. What you need to do to move on and grow, is to forgive him for what he couldn't be for you. This isn't for him, but for you. I have had issues with other people who have been very harmful and hurtful and I stayed angry and resentful for so long, I thought forgiving them would be like accepting what they have done. It really isn't. It isn't o.k. what he has done, the damage is and always will be there. Yet, you have your whole life in front of you and I bet you will be an amazing mother yourself. You need to let go of the feelings he has created in you. He shouldn't have that kind of power over you, once you forgive him it will allow you to begin to heal. It is kind of like someone who has been raped, yet for you it was mental. If they stay trapped in that experience, their attacker continues to have a hold on them. You have had someone attack your soul and spirit, someone you should be able to feel protected and loved by. That takes awhile to get through. Allow yourself to grieve for the father you never had. Forgive him in his weak health, because when he passes, he will then see all the damage he caused and it will take lifetimes for him to undo what he did to you. Take comfort in knowing you are stronger and more resilient for what he did and you are still capable of giving and receiving love. You are a tough girl and you have had some tough breaks, but things will begin to get better for you. I really believe that and as long you need to deal with this, there is plenty of positive advice and helpful insight from many people here. Yes, you will have many negative feelings, but try to get them out and let them go. Nothing good comes from hate and resentment, except sadness and despair in your heart. You are too precious for that. I don't know if this is what you wanted to hear, but it is said with the best of intentions.

[mastblast702]

I do feel for you I am in your situation but I am a young man at the age of 19. My father has done all the same things to me . The thing is with my dad he had a prick father. See my dad was burned very badly at the age of ten and his father would come into the hospital and beat him in the hospital for getting burned. So you can see it is a cycle. Fathers or mothers are pricks because they had prick parents. That's why you must break the cycle of abuse. Come to terms and say I am not doing anything wrong to deserve this treatment and he is wrong for saying that and blank it from you mind caz it is true just forget about that person they will most likely die old miserable and lonely, and guess what, they put themselves there not anyone else they did. NO ONE ON THIS EARTH DESERVES treatment like that especially from family none the less. They are the one with the problems not us.

[N0help4u]

He is set in his ways and his irrational 'stickin thinkin' you have to realize that that is his problem and not yours. He has to live with his miserable attitude; you don't distance yourself.
My parents were negative but I turned their negativity into a positive outlook for my own life.
Don't let his opinion bother you. Sure it hurts that he isn't a father to you but there is nothing you can do to change that any more than you are able to change a leopards spots.
Move on with your life and when he sees you have gotten somewhere in life he can eat his words.

That is really rotten that he spent your trust. I don't know if you would be able to go after him legally for it or not.

[kandyfruitcake]

This October, I will be turning 19 years old. During my whole life, I've never felt like I've ever had a father figure ... ever.

When I was 9, my parents divorced, and a year before that, separated. Custody was given to my mother and I lived with her throughout the years.

Basic rundown, my father is much older than most. My parents are 25 years apart, at the ages 50 and 75! So, needless to say, my dad is very old fashioned. He raised 3 sons before me, with another woman, and they too are all getting to be in their upper 40's.

On top of him being ... well ... old, he has always been very abusive to me. He's never hit me, but he's also never said one kind word to me. All my life he's only badmouthed my mother, telling me things like "she's nothing but a whore, and you're turning out to be exactly like her" - "your mother is nothing but a fat slob and a liar who deserves to be taken out and shot in the head, and you should go out with her!"

Along with that, he has always called me bad names as well, and constantly puts me down. He says I will never amount to anything, and that I should be thrown into jail because I'm a young adult who hangs out with my friends, no less.

There's so much he's said to me, that it would take 3 pages just to type it all down. I've tried talking to him about how he makes me feel, but it's like he doesn't care. He always tells me that my opinions don't matter, and that I'm always wrong. He also constantly reminds me that he has "disowned" me, and that the rest of the family, on his side, despise me.

It's very hurtful to hear these things, and feel as if he doesn't love me. I don't have ONE memory of ever doing anything with him as a family, or even a kind word when I've done something "right".

He also cashed in my trust fund that was meant to go towards my college educations, so now I have to save up all by myself. I graduated highschool at the age of 16, and have been working ever since to get a car, and gather money for school. I'm by NO means stupid, but he always tries to make me feel that way.

I feel as though he hates me, and for the longest time, I've felt that too. Hate is such a strong word, but how can I feel anything else for someone who has never showed any amount of love or affection? How can I not help but feel hatred for someone who considers me a disappointed, has never been there for me, his own flesh and blood, his daughter, and tells me that he wishes I was never born?

I've debated trying to go see a psychologist, but I can't afford that. I have no one to help me out, but it's a real wear and tear on my emotions and mental being.

His health is not in the best of conditions, and it won't be long before he passes away. I do not want him to leave this earth thinking that he hates me, because all I've ever wanted was a father who would love me, and there could never be anyone to replace him.

There has not been a birthday, father's day, or Christmas that I've forgotten, to at least call him up and wish him a happy day, or to send a card and present.

It really makes me feel like I've failed as a daughter, because of what he says, even though I KNOW I'm not a bad kid, and never have been.

I don't know what to do. I feel ashamed to talk to anyone about it in person, because I don't like to cry and I know I would. It's so hard to explain things to other people and have them understand the hurt you feel.

If anyone has any suggestions, I would be extremely grateful to hear them. I don't want to hurt anymore because I feel as though my own father never loved me ...

You don't have the problem, he does. YOU ARE LOVELY. Actually, you're worth at least ten of him and he damn well knows it. You have not failed him - he's failed you, and failed himself. And your mother, by raising someone who thinks as you do, has raised soemone pretty bloody incredible.

You're not obliged to love your dad, simply because you're related by blood. That wasn't a choice, it was an accident of birth. Don't forgive him - he won't respect you for it. He's trying to put you down constantly to make himself feel better. Who needs the bloody trust find when you have a brain in your head? Which you do. Progress in your life and watch the lonely old man wither and die as you bloom...

[sunsetstar3500]

I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. I'm 22 years old and my dad has never loved me. He's never been a father figure in my life. All my life he has told me that I will amount to nothing. He has constantly degraded me both in private and public places. He once told my mother that he has achieved success when his words have destroyed her, my sisters, and myself. He expected me to get pregnant at an early age and drop out of school. So when I graduated in the top 1% in high school he was so surprised but he still wanted all the credit for that. He told me that the only reason why I made it that far was because he was there for me... when all my life I felt like he was an absent father. Somehow, I managed to study my way through arguments and problems at my house. Now, I'm about to graduate from the university with 2 degrees and what does he still tell me... that I will amount to nothing. That I'm stupid and that others have completed their degrees faster than me. So basically what I've learned is that I cannot change him and I cannot sit around waiting for him to change. I have to move on with my life and heal. It is not healthy for me to listen to his words and allow them to penetrate my heart. My dad has issues and so does yours. I'm a christian and I believe in forgiveness. Do it for yourself. Whenever I tell my dad that I forgive him he hates it... u want to know why? Cause he wants to have control over me. But I will not let him have that. I forgive my father for everything he's done to me and so should you. When you truly forgive him you will feel a weight lifted off your shoulders. You're a strong young woman. Hang in there. Have faith and you'll make it through. Another thing I wanted to let you know is that I used to be really sad because I would be jealous of others who had a real father figure in their lives but one day I met God... He showed me what a true father is... one that loves you, never judges you, is proud of u, listens to u, gives you advice and direction, wants the best for you, and is always there for you. Turn to God and you will feel like you've always had a father all your life. I wish you the best of luck in life... if you've never had a relationship with God its easy... Just start talking to Him and tell Him how you feel... believe me, He will listen and you will start to see His power in your life.

[toddles93]

This October, I will be turning 19 years old. During my whole life, I've never felt like I've ever had a father figure ... ever.

When I was 9, my parents divorced, and a year before that, separated. Custody was given to my mother and I lived with her throughout the years.

Basic rundown, my father is much older than most. My parents are 25 years apart, at the ages 50 and 75! So, needless to say, my dad is very old fashioned. He raised 3 sons before me, with another woman, and they too are all getting to be in their upper 40's.

On top of him being ... well ... old, he has always been very abusive to me. He's never hit me, but he's also never said one kind word to me. All my life he's only badmouthed my mother, telling me things like "she's nothing but a whore, and you're turning out to be exactly like her" - "your mother is nothing but a fat slob and a liar who deserves to be taken out and shot in the head, and you should go out with her!"

Along with that, he has always called me bad names as well, and constantly puts me down. He says I will never amount to anything, and that I should be thrown into jail because I'm a young adult who hangs out with my friends, no less.

There's so much he's said to me, that it would take 3 pages just to type it all down. I've tried talking to him about how he makes me feel, but it's like he doesn't care. He always tells me that my opinions don't matter, and that I'm always wrong. He also constantly reminds me that he has "disowned" me, and that the rest of the family, on his side, despise me.

It's very hurtful to hear these things, and feel as if he doesn't love me. I don't have ONE memory of ever doing anything with him as a family, or even a kind word when I've done something "right".

He also cashed in my trust fund that was meant to go towards my college educations, so now I have to save up all by myself. I graduated highschool at the age of 16, and have been working ever since to get a car, and gather money for school. I'm by NO means stupid, but he always tries to make me feel that way.

I feel as though he hates me, and for the longest time, I've felt that too. Hate is such a strong word, but how can I feel anything else for someone who has never showed any amount of love or affection? How can I not help but feel hatred for someone who considers me a disappointed, has never been there for me, his own flesh and blood, his daughter, and tells me that he wishes I was never born?

I've debated trying to go see a psychologist, but I can't afford that. I have no one to help me out, but it's a real wear and tear on my emotions and mental being.

His health is not in the best of conditions, and it won't be long before he passes away. I do not want him to leave this earth thinking that he hates me, because all I've ever wanted was a father who would love me, and there could never be anyone to replace him.

There has not been a birthday, father's day, or Christmas that I've forgotten, to at least call him up and wish him a happy day, or to send a card and present.

It really makes me feel like I've failed as a daughter, because of what he says, even though I KNOW I'm not a bad kid, and never have been.

I don't know what to do. I feel ashamed to talk to anyone about it in person, because I don't like to cry and I know I would. It's so hard to explain things to other people and have them understand the hurt you feel.

If anyone has any suggestions, I would be extremely grateful to hear them. I don't want to hurt anymore because I feel as though my own father never loved me ...

I know exactlly how you feel he said the same things to me my mom ran away from him and I didn't see him till I was like 11- 12 but he makes me feel like crap he says the shoot your mom in the head thing that I shuudn't be hanging out with kids yelled at me for holding money I just meant to hand it to him and he sid someone would steal it it I held monet=y out and started yelling at me and he said I was wrong about learning from your mistakes he's never his me but makes comments like the shoot your mom he wished he would have and sometimes just scares me please don't try to help me I just wanted you to know that there's people out there just like you and my dad would probably be mad if he saw this

[Jordana27]

I was in the same boat, but my Dad was raised by a abuseive father and then by his older Brother. My Dad died when I was 15. So the effects have not been as long as yours, but I don't have a family at all (just my Mom). I would cut ties with him, seeing how you have tried to talk to him and reason with him. I cut ties with my Mom & Dads side of my family (seeing how they didn't want me around any way). It has made things for me better also get some therpy, talking it out will help u to deal with it. I know cutting ties seem drastic but you have to end the cycle, and the only way that will end is with you. Good luck!

[LearningAsIGo]

I was raised in a similar situation.

My father was mentally/emotionally abusive and had other children with another woman who were treated better than myself and my brother.

Until he died, my emotions were very dark and depressed. Still, his death affected me greatly in ways I could not imagine.

My instant reaction was relief in a way. Suddenly, this heavy burden was lifted off my shoulders and in a fairly short amount of time I started to learn the real importance of life. After his death, I can say that lots of "secrets" came out... things that helped me develop closure over the situation. Forgiveness came when I learned about his own abandoment as a child and abuse he endured. I realized he didn't know better and treated us like he was treated. It was sad, of course, but it made sense and helped me realize it wasn't personally toward me. I think with my dad, he loved me, but his anger toward life and my mother was over powering, perhaps more than he ever knew, since he was emotionally stunted.

Something tells me that while your father's story may not be the same, he has the same mental block about his behavior.

Realizing he is a flawed individual, as we all are, also helped me to accept his unacceptable behavior.

I'm not saying this will come to you overnight - far from it. However, its obvious to me that you are an intelligent, loving individual who will triumph over this adversity. Our parents aren't always the people we would like them to be, but at the end of the day its how we've treated people ourselves that count.

Good luck to you - I hope your father can come around, but if he doesn't, hold your head high and be proud of the person you've become with all of the adversity in your life.

[tara1]

I was raised in a similar situation.

but his anger toward life and my mother was over powering, perhaps more than he ever knew, since he was emotionally stunted.

Thanks for sharing your life experiences, and advice, with others. Its heart breaking sometimes to see what people have to go through or are going through in some cases. May God give peace to everyone.

What do you really mean here by emotionally stunted? In general, what does emotionally stunted mean?

[LearningAsIGo]

Thanks for sharing your life experiences, and advice, with others. Its heart breaking sometimes to see what people have to go through or are going through in some cases. May God give peace to everyone.

What do you really mean here by emotionally stunted? In general, what does emotionally stunted mean?

By emotionally stunted, I mean under-developed, or... basically someone who is not fully able to understand or react to emotions on an adult level.

[karma]

There are agencies you can go to where you don't have to pay for psychological help and/or a therapist. I was mentally, physically, emotionally and sexually abused by my father and trust me, there are places you can go to talk. Here in NJ there is Drenk, but if you look online, or better yet, in your phone book in the governmental or local blue pages (or the equivalent in AZ) you can find them. Call hotlines for abuse, and ask them if they have any support groups or counseling available and they can direct you. Trust me, talking about it helps, A LOT. Please remember, it may be hard to hear these things from him and think he loves you, but somewhere deep inside he does. He may be acting out of self hate, hatred of your mother (sorry to say) or reacting to how he was raised. Living a good life is the best revenge, and although you do only have one father, he is just a man, with flaws and things floating through his head no one but he could ever understand. Stay strong, and tell him that no matter what he says or does you will always be his daughter whether he likes it or not and that you love him. He may say something mean, but be strong in yourself. You evidently are a strong capable woman, and you didn't need him to make it this far. Keep your head up, and hope that someday he will see the error of his ways. If he doesn't, then it was his loss.

[stevevinetta]

Hi

All I want to tell you is that your dad is old and has no one to care for and needs all the love and attention

Give him LOVE & CARE that is all he needs and PRAY for him daily things will change no matter how he treats you show that it does not affect you he will definitely see changes in you and he will change

You will see changes in him soon all the very best

[hoopschic]

I am in my late 40's and have just recently "divorced my mentally abusive father"
I did it because I was tired of being sick and tired and feeling bad about myself ALL THE TIME! Like most of you here, my spirit and identity is non-existent because of his violent temper and put downs. If it is wearing on your emotional health then you may have to decide to cut him out of your life or just talk with him for a very short amount of time and say love you dad but I got to go now.What ever you do, try to get on with your life before he messes it up.God Bless You.

[sunflower1974]

Believe me I know where your coming from my father is also extremely mentally and verbally abusive and it has permanently destroyed my life and the worst part is that everyone has passed away in my family the passed two years my mom ( who was the most amazing woman classy like jackie o and so warm and loving and gorgeous she always made me real like there is a shinning light ahead my dad makes everything feel like a dead end in life) my grandparents passed my best friend and some other very close people now its only my dad and he has become totally out of control and although I'm very smart and beautiful I do nothing with my life right now due to how bad his abuse has gotten since everyone is gone at least before my mom although divorced she could set him straight sice I was a little girl he tried to control absolutely everything I did including my thoughts he shut down all my dreams and everything I would set out to accomplish in life to such an extent that now its like I can't do anything while he is still here he has done some things which would take forever to explain but these things were intended for me to move back home its like he wants me to fail in life and gets enjoyment out of it and then turns around and mentally and verbally abuses me for not doing anything but let also tell you I used to own an advertising company and it was very successful my father shut it down because he originally set it up for me and then when I tried to shut him out of my life he destroyed my company and many other things in my life he is a well off business man and uses his money to control me literally for years I would put so much energy into keeping him out of my life but I just don't have the energy to do that anymore so basically I feel my life is over

[jadealger]

Hello, I really understand. My dad is the same way. It helps me to see all of these comments and see that I'm not alone. For me, God has really been the only way for me to find some amount of freedom although I still struggle with major insecurity. There aren't really easy answers for this stuff but there is a lot of help from people who have been through it, or just love you can get from other people along the way. But just know that I'm praying for you and I'm truly sorry. You aren't alone and God loves you immensely