[black_eagle1982]

I've been there. My father has just turned 79 (I'm 27) and he has three sons from a previous marriage. Ever since I can recall, all he's done is dissing my mother and my brothers behind their backs, as well as me. I've overheard him over and over again, criticizing me, saying that I was a failure and calling me names and that I'd never amount to anything, and that I was always going to be like that, but then, when standing before me, he'd say the absolute opposite to all that. To him, I'm a whore for having a boyfriend and going out with my friends, and I'm useless to society because I don't have a job, which is actually something he never wanted me to do (work, that is.)

Unfortunately my father has managed to destroy myself confidence to the point where I can't find a good, steady job and I'm financially dependent of him. Every time I tried to get a job (or whenever I actually did), he'd tell me that I didn't need a job and that he could financially support me and the entire family. Of course, it's just one of the many lies he says to keep his "family" (because I can no longer think of my family as such) close to him, and that way they won't desert him. Whenever any of us attempts anything to become independent, we automatically become the biggest sons of b&%$ ever known to man.

To that, I must add that he's a very controlling man, who has to know absolutely everything about you. Where you are, who you are with, what you're doing, why you're doing it... and that wears me out, as well as the people that surrounds me. My fiancé has been dealing with this abuse since we started going out and miraculously, he still hasn't left me, although we've been through a lot of arguments and fights because of my father's behaviour (and we still do). He's calmed down a notch now, but at the beginning of our relationship, my father would call every 60 minutes or so just to find out where I was and what I was doing, and whether I was going back home or not.

Another fact that makes matters even worse is that he's been sick for the past five years and that he's lost control of his legs some time ago due to an injury in his spinal cord, so he needs assistance to walk and move around the house. He uses his impairment to extend his abuse even more, since he now wants us all to be around him to help him, even if it's just to open a can (which he can perfectly do when he's on his own, or when he thinks nobody can see him.)

I don't want to hate him but sometimes it becomes impossible, more so when I look back on all the damage he's inflicted on the entire family. He's always treated us like mentally challenged people, and he's been extremely verbally abusive to my mother (and sometimes, even physically), most of all. Despite all my attempts to make my mother realise the kind of abuse my father's been putting her through, and telling her over and over again to leave the house and get a job, she's never listened to me. I know things would be completely different if my mother would've left the house when I advised her to, but she wouldn't admit the kind of abuse she was going through. Oh, and my mother is also much younger than my father, she's 54 years old. And yes, my father always dissed her in front of me and my brothers.

On the other hand, my grandfather (on my father's side) was also a very abusive and controlling man who practically wouldn't let my granma out of the house, specially when he became sick, some time before he died. I think my father subconsciously learned from that example and is now doing the same to his wife and his children... one of my brothers reacted and has stopped talking to my father or even visiting him. Now he's left the remaining three siblings (my eldest brother died last year) in charge of my father and his illness. He's completely disappeared from the scene.

To top this, my father has no friends. All he ever had was his job and his money. He doesn't care about having friends, or even calling his relatives. He's had a fight with all of his "poor" relatives, talking them down and looking down on them because they didn't have a fortune, completely forgetting that when he was a child, he was in the same financial situation.

And yeah, same as you, I don't recall any familiar situation with him. Every school act and things like that, I had to count on my mom, because my father never showed up. He was always too busy with his job to take a couple of minutes to come and see me.

There is an abusive pattern in my family, as you can see from what I've written (which I hope makes sense, because I just read it and it looks like a giant rant... I hope you understand), and from my part, there was also denial of this abuse until my friends and my fiancé opened my eyes to let me see what we were going through. Of course, nobody else in my family will admit that we're highly disfunctional, and I'm very much afraid that my siblings as well as me will carry on with this pattern and that our children will undergo the same abuses we did... I hope it doesn't happen. And I hope that you too are able to get out of the situation you're in... first of all, don't give up hope and search help if necessary. There'll always be a friend or a professional to lend a hand or two.

Another suggestion, maybe the most difficult one, is that you try to ignore him. Don't listen to what he says. You know how much you're worth and the things you're capable of. Rely on the great things you achieved this far and don't let him or anyone get you down. You have the strength to pull through his abuse. And also, don't be afraid or ashamed to get help. Crying in front of somebody else can be incredibly comforting and will take the load -or part of it- off your shoulders.

Best of luck and don't give up!

Black Eagle 1982

[Jake2008]

There is no rule book that says you have to allow anybody to abuse you, and at a certain point, you need to try to realize that he is never going to change.

You are the one that has to change, toward him.

But, how do you settle with a lifetime of trying to be somebody you are not, or trying to live up to expectations that are impossible to overcome.

Mostly, it is a realization. That you are the only one who is in charge, and control of your life. Your father has no 'right' to the behaviour he shows toward you, and how you choose to respond to it, is the only thing that matters.

You will always share the same basic denominator, because you are related, but, that is all you need to share.

How you choose to view the world, and your place in it, should be free for you, and you only to choose. To allow the emotionally negative impact he has on you, is to give up your own power.

Limit your exposure. You aren't there much longer before college. Stick to your room, study hard, keep busy with outside interests that give you pleasure, like swimming, or biking.

Stop making excuses. His age has nothing to do with the way he treats you. He's just a nasty old man taking out his frustrations and misplaced anger on you. Don't excuse his behaviour, but don't allow it to penetrate your brain. Realize it for what it is- something you have no control over- and let it go. Think to yourself, "Is this really something that I'm going to dwell on, or allow myself to feel hurt over?" He** no!!

Get yourself a diary. When he comes up with something that is meant to hurt you, or you have a rough day dealing with him, get your diary out at the end of the day, and write it out. When you see his hurtful comments as mere words, you can detach from the meaning and realize that it is just 'him', and you have purged it from your day.

Keep up with the diary daily, and jot down anything and everything that is affected by your father. You will see a pattern to his behaviour, and when that becomes predictable, you are better able to see it coming, and make a fast exit.

Forgive. He likely could bend your ear about why he is the way he is, or he may say someday that he never meant to hurt you, or he never was allowed to deal with feelings and emotions, or he communicates so poorly because of the way he was raised. Accept that it is likely a combination of all of it and more, and realize that he is simply who he is. Forgive him for having such a miserable attitude, but accept that he probably loves you.

Bury the Hatchet. The best time of your life is approaching. Your independence, your studies, learning new things, meeting new people. You will have the time of your life in college, and will remember it for the rest of your life. This is the start of you building a foundation, and it is only under your steam. Nobody elses' direction, except yours.

Leave the past in the past, right down to the last word spoken. When you leave, leave the negative behind. Just lock it up in your brain somewhere in an imaginary file cabinet, and let it go to the archives. You have a life to live!

Start slowly, and maybe with your diary first. Really think about how you respond to how he treats you, and find that determination to follow a different and new path to responding to it.

Try your best to let the past stay in the past, don't dwell on it. It is what it is, and it won't decide your success in life- only you can do that.

[Biker_j]

@ fantainfinite

Every word you said, I could totally relate with. It was almost like you were talking about my dad. The thing is though that I'm not 19 or 20 like most of you, I'm 14 and there's nothing that I can do about my father. My dad is a fat sack of ****!